SRS Engaged(anonymous post)

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Darketernal, May 22, 2009.

  1. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    My fiancee and I have been going out for 5+ yrs, engaged for 1+ (we're both in our early 20s) but I don't know if it's going to work out. I made a very similar thread about 2 years ago, hoping stuff would get better, but it hasn't really... And I don't really see it changing in the near future.

    However, our lives are so intertwined I have no idea what to do. We've both taken care so much of each other (first gf/bf), and a big part of our lives have been dedicated to each other. We've lived together for +3yrs FYI.

    She'll be starting school (again) in September for 4 years, and I'll have to cover for her (my job is good enough so that wouldn't be a problem), and I couldn't live with myself hurting her emotionally and financially at what may be a turning point in her life. I've never been through a breakup, and neither has she, and I just can't see myself inflicting pain on someone who's loved me entirely for so long.

    Things aren't bad, per se... every aspect is sort of average. average sex, average fun, average motivation for anything, and lack of passion, etc... and she lacks the willpower to actually improve any of this. Basically mediocrity is enough for her, and that's what has been killing it for me over the last few years. I see our future as way too much of an average, boring couple with not that much passion (which pisses me off, because I try to treat every aspect of life with max passion).

    How much of a responsibility do I have, seeing as she's always been there for me, to try to make things work? I know the obvious answer is pretty much none, and it wouldn't make me a bad person, but I just can't come to terms with hurting her in any way. OT halp me with your words of wisdom.
     
  2. OhHai

    OhHai New Member

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    I was going through a similar situation with my girl. We were together for 2 years, and lived together for one of them. Things were great at the start, doing everything together, helping each other financially, and I know for a fact she was just waiting for me to pop the question. Then I began to slip into a very similar rut, where everything was mediocre, and it drove me nuts. I explained my feelings and we both tried to work on it, but nothing changed. Eventually we ended it because the issues were not getting resolved, despite how hard we were trying. I guess I could use some advice here too :hs:
     
  3. 7960

    7960 New Member

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    2 years was enough. Get out.



    btw, you're going to hurt her, there's no way around it. but you have to look out for yourself.
     
  4. Ford4Life

    Ford4Life Guest

    Have a talk with her and tell her what your concerns are, if she knows it bothers you she might be willing to put in some effort if you are willing to do the same.
     
  5. Yail Bloor

    Yail Bloor OT Supporter

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    get out

    its going to be painful and its going to suck

    just do it and let the healing begin
     
  6. johan

    johan Active Member

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    You and she will both come to realize that she is much stronger than you think she is.

    Leaving her will be freeing for you.... It will be INCREDIBLY SO for her.
    It is possible to leave someone with care, and concern and love.

    Do this for yourself, but even moreso, do it for her.
    You'll be offering her the best that you can give.

    The gift of herself and her own self-determination.

    This is not rationalization or sophistry. Believe it.



    After you leave, don't contact her again for at least a year, no matter how much it kills you.
    It's kinder that way.
     
  7. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    I understand exactly what you're feeling. You're not responsible for the way someone responds -- especially when you've done everything in your power to think it through, and to be as sensitive as possible without overstepping. Remember, if you think you're soley responsible for her happiness, and you were to present that during the breakup -- it would come off as quite arrogant. To think you have that much power would be insulting to her.

    So, clearly you now know this and wouldn't take that route. The first thing you may need to think about is how to untie the knots that you've formed financially. Begin the process before you begin what will likely be a painful process for both of you.

    Change and letting go of people who we cared about or who cared about us is incredibly hard -- but when we're not being true to ourselves and we feel imprisoned rather than free -- we have to let go, or we'll just grow resentful.

    Whatever you do, when you begin making decisions about how you'll end it, don't do her any favors by trying to buffer her sadness. The more you try to "help" her not feel hurt, the more difficult it will be for both of you. Let her feel what she feels and you focus on what you feel. This way, you can walk away feeling like you're actually doing the right thing -- which you are.
     
  8. Liptonucf

    Liptonucf wee woo wee woo wee woo

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    Have you guys had a serious conversation about your feelings...I get the sense from your story that these are deep feelings that arent being made known to your SO.
     
  9. Maffy29

    Maffy29 Active Member

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    I actually have sympathy for everything you talked about except the above paragraph. Why do you feel the need to support her while she is in school (again)? Why didn't she make it the first time? Similar thing happened with a good friend of mine. He was working a career type job and was going to support his fiancee while in college after she had flunked out once already (including tuition). I let him know my opinion on the matter and that I think that ship has sailed for her. She should have been looking at a tech school or something like that instead of a 4 year program. If that was what she absolutely wanted, then she needed to at least attempt to support herself.

    Was it your idea to support her while in school or did she ask? If I couldn't claim her as a dependant on my taxes, then I'm not supporting anyone.

    (I know its cold to think like that, but you have to look out for #1)
     
  10. chica&buddies

    chica&buddies Active Member

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    :werd:

    it doesn't seem like you two have tried to communicate your wants/needs in this relationship. i'm not surprised that it's mediocre.

    here's a good book...."the five love languages" by gary chapman. i recommend it. it'll be a way to communicate your issues as well as begin to work on them as a couple. it's very eye opening.

    on the flip side, if you lack desire to work on this relationship, it's time to get out. only you can determine whether you've put in enough effort to make it work. have you been communicating effectively through the years?
     
  11. MissKitty

    MissKitty If squats were easy they'd be called 'Your Mum' OT Supporter

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    It is not your responsibility to make sure she is financially secure after your relationship ends. She is a grown woman who should either support herself or make arrangements to change her plans so she can.
    You shouldn't be putting off a break up because you feel like you are responsible for her. She isn't sick, she is simply a student.

    As for the issues leading you to the break up? You need to work as hard as you can until you can honestly tell yourself you tried as hard as you could. You can walk away (if that ends up being the result) and know that you did everything you could and you didn't just give up.
    You both need to sit down and be honest with each other. If seeing separate professionals first will help this to happen then do that. If you can just sit down over dinner or on the couch and chat, do that.

    Right now it sounds like you have nothing to lose, so making sure you both see the relationship from the same angle will help.

    Tell her why you love her, tell her why you doubt the relationship, tell her what you feel you need that you aren't getting, and tell her why you don't want the relationship to end. Have her do the same (if it isn't all out of the blue for her).
     

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