SRS ending it with a friend

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by ChillerTwist, Jan 16, 2008.

  1. ChillerTwist

    ChillerTwist New Member

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    phew, man.... i don't even know where to start. i felt so crushed last night, in fact i still do. don't think i slept much either..... and over just a friend hah! wonder what it's like to lose a girlfriend (22, no serious relationships).

    but anyway, i had a run-in with a (girl) friend of mine last night. i wrote her an e-mail yester-morning how i basically felt that she was taking me for granted, that i was being mistreated and unappreciated (sometimes not giving me the time of day, or showing that she genuinely cares about me and my life) so i called her on it. i was brushing these things off when they happened, but it annoyed me to the point where i had to write her that e-mail so i can get those issues addressed. i've read a lot of posts here by metallic blue, and i've been inspired in putting ME first. we're usually pretty good at discussing things like mature individuals and that's how we both approached it from the start, but it snowballed into a huge mess.

    a bit of a background. we've been friends for a couple years now, spent NYEs together, most holidays, traveled around Europe together.. etc etc. we have this mutual friend (who is my best guy friend) that she's had a lot of run-ins with (pretty much on the same subject that i had an issue with), but they weren't as close as us two. i didn't get in the middle of it cause it was never my business, but apparently it's escalated into emotional drama a couple of times and this was taking it's toll on her. i found this out last night when she broke down during our talk. long story short, she said she couldn't take it anymore and that we need to "take a break". i don't know what that means in a FRIENDSHIP but i'm going to respect her and give her some space. i'm not going to go crawling back to her either at a later date, i think she made a huge mistake doing this. she's going to have to really want me back. probably 90% of it is not my fault and has nothing to do with me. i didn't agree with it, but i can't change her mind. i'm going to let it be and live my life. yes i'll miss her and feel like there's something missing, but hey! :hsd:

    this is how i feel this morning, and thanks for listening Asylum cause i had no other friend to share it with. any comments are welcome.
     
  2. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    Good for you to step up and express how you felt.

    Good job staying out of their relationship conflicts.

    Why did she break down do you think? For someone to say "Take a break" from a "friendship" is one of the strangest things I've heard. It's quite possible something is going on with her, something entirely unrelated to you I suspect. Of course you had every right to express how you felt and how it was affecting you.

    What is this 10%? And what exactly was it she was or wasn't doing/saying to you?

    I wonder what's going on with her.
     
  3. ChillerTwist

    ChillerTwist New Member

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    I think she broke down cause she was overwhelmed with feelings of not being good enough for some people. Her exact comments before the break down were "it doesn't matter what i do, it's not good enough for any of you". I felt terrible to hear that she feels that way and I sympathized with her completely. I wish I could help her with the problem and make it go away right there and then, but it's for her to deal with, not me. You suspect unrelated to me, I suspect the same. I suspect that it's mostly related to our mutual friend (my best guy friend). She's talked about getting away from him and the problems she had with him before, but now I got lumped in with him. Not fair.

    The 10%? I'm not sure. Maybe just that I came out too strong, or not taking her word when she said she cares about me and that she doesn't do these things. She said I read into her too much, trying to get inside her head and make sense of her thought process with certain things. Things she does wil make it seem like she doesn't care, when really she does. But this was hard for me to accept as I've seen the way she deals with my best friend. I was afraid the same would be happening to me. Some of those things include avoiding to hang out, not being invited to things, etc. I felt she was talking to me only when she needed to kill some time (ie. on her way out the door, in the middle of things). Another example, wanting to hang out with me only cause I had some weed. She had a girls night, and one of the girls unexpectedly brought her boyfriend. Then she invited me out. I immediately had the thought that the only reason she did that was so he would have someone to talk to, NOT because she enjoys my company. Sure it sounds silly now, but coupled with all the things in my head about the way she treats other people... I'm not surprised that I did think that way. Those are some specifics I think. Hopefully this is making sense cause my head is a mess trying to piece things together. :)

    EDIT: More: Making plans and then not sticking to them. We were gonna go skiing on Thursday. I told her days before that we had to go rent stuff on Wednesday. What does she do? Fills up her whole schedule (some important, some not important things) and doesn't have time for it anymore. I get upset here because I'm being brushed out of the way. She could've easily cancelled some of those plans to make room for me. I would've done the same for her. This feeling of not being in a reciprocal friendship drove me nuts.
     
  4. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    In other words she couldn't even meet minimum expectations, is that what she means? What are the minimum expectations you or others had that she was concerned about?

    She clearly feels distressed and bad about it, and you in return do as well. I wonder what is happening to her that is causing this inability to function in her relationships with friends.

    What type of problem is she facing that is causing her to not be able to meet minimum expectations? Do you know?

    What type of problems did she have with him that you're aware of? No it's not fair, but it sometimes happens. It's not intentional I'm sure. I'd like to see what might be happening.

    Do you find she doesn't communicate very well, and that her actions are often the only thing you have to go by, and so you try to investigate?

    Not hanging out, and not inviting you to things, I can understand how that could easily convey disinterest in being your friend. I can certainly understand that you felt like you were being used.

    Those are quite reasonable I think. The fact is, you did the right thing based on what serves you. Whether or not she really did care is moot, since if that is true, you're unable to tolerate it because it doesn't meet the minimum expectations you have of a friend. I don't think lowering those expectations is reasonable. You made the right call in my opinion.

    It sounds to me like this girl has something going on, and it's quite vague. You must be confused even after talking to her, because even if she is sincere, which she probably was -- I don't think she even knows why she's doing what she's doing. I'm still not sure why.
     
  5. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    How soon in advance did she cancel? I really do not appreciate when people cancel plans with me on a consistent basis. It is disrespectful, even if they have a factually rational reason. If they find they're being called to handle things that often that she or he continues to cancel plans with me, then I simply will tell them that I won't make plans with them anymore. I'll call them, and if we make contact, fine, but if not -- I'll make plans with other people. It's not revenge or personal. If they flake just because they feel like it, then that's entirely unreasonable, and I won't keep in contact with them at all. I don't tolerate disrespect.

    You handled it appropriately. Really.
     
  6. Ladybug

    Ladybug Guest

    When friendships get that emotional and complicated it's almost as if you're in a relationship anyway without the prospect of ever being laid. I'd have done the same thing, leave her off to do whatever the heck she hopes to achieve and check back with her in maybe six months and see if she's got it together enough to salvage something if you think it's worth the odd four bucks in coffee.

    I congratulate you on the size of your balls.
     
  7. ChillerTwist

    ChillerTwist New Member

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    The problems she's had with my friend are of the same nature she just had with me... but on a large scale. This was merely an annoyance I had with her, and would've been dealt with in a reasonable outcome if it wasn't for the other problems she already had on top of it.

    Yes

    I think her problems with relationships stem from having commitment issues. She's said it before herself. I guess it all makes sense to me now, or is starting to pretty fast. You know to ask all the right questions M-B!

    I hold good friendships very dear to me, and I have a couple. They're pretty much effortless. I'm not going to get into a definition of a friendship, but I'm sure we have the same views. Genuine caring and appreciation for the person, knowing what's going on in their life, doing things for each other to show that you care, because you know it will put a smile on their face, without ever thinking if you'll get the same in return... (cause you know you will) or even doing it for the sole purpose of getting that in return. It just comes naturally.

    It's unfortunate how this ended, but seriously.. how much should one half of a friendship be expected to give to get the other half to meet them CLOSE to half way.

    Thanks guys!! Love both your responses!
     
  8. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    Well then it's a pattern, and apparently one that he couldn't tolerate either. Hopefully if it's something she doesn't do intentionally, she can work out whatever it is, and if it's just who she is by default, best of luck to her in managing relationships with anyone who has self respect. She'll find herself by herself if that's just who she is.

    People who don't communicate are difficult to deal with. I usually avoid them.

    That's very possible, she may feel burdened by any obligation of her time because of something she's been through, and thus just unconsciously betrays the very people she's trying to hold onto. If that's the case, that's a very difficult thing to work through, but it's something she has to deal with alone, because while other people may be understanding, it's still her who is responsible.

    You'd be surprised, but relationships of any kind "do" take a lot of work, the difference is, we don't consider it work or even difficult, because we're passionate about it and experienced in doing it. Most of us developed those skills from youth, so much like speaking English (or any language) we just "do it" -- it's easy, but try speaking Chinese! For some people that's what relationships are like. Think of something you're exceptionally skilled at and love doing. It can seem effortless because of that! For other people, it can be an enormous burden, too heavy to handle, because while they might have passion for it, they may not know how to be those things, or may not be aware of the mistakes they're repeating etc. You called her on it, so that's a good thing, that's what a friend would do.

    Letting someone continue to do something that you know doesn't serve them without informing them, isn't right!

    It's as simple as you said -- keeping your side of the street clean, and managing it. Some people for whatever reason "don't want to" do that, or can't. In the end, it sounds like she just can't meet you halfway, so you had to let go.

    I face this challenge a lot myself. Because of my health I often can't meet minimum expectations. I handle this in a number of ways.

    1: I rarely make plans if I know I'll likely be unable to keep them.
    2: I isolate a lot during periods of ill health, meaning I don't call, write, or even see some friends a lot. Some people can tolerate it, others can't -- and so I lose some. I don't blame them, I'd probably do the same.
    3: I'm often self centered and not always thoughtful of another person's needs when my needs aren't being met or are challenged as a result of my situation. I have to take care of me first, which sometimes results in neglecting others.
    4: I can sometimes be down right disrespectful, especially when my mental state is being affected by the illness, so I sometimes am rude, sometimes inconsiderate, sometimes whiney and bitchy. Even though I don't mean to be these things -- and I can't always control it -- I'm still responsible for the consequence, and I'm responsible for making amends.
    5: I make amends to people I hurt, but that doesn't mean we'll continue to be friends, or that they'll accept it. Personally, I hate this illness, and I hate how inhuman it makes those inflicted with it -- they're some of the most frustrating people to work with, depending how strongly it's affecting their psychiatric state. It's easier to forgive their physical manifestations than it is the behavioral, because quite frankly, the mental isn't as easily understood.

    So, as you can see, I empathize with your situation, and yet I know what it's like to be on the other side of the "Can't do it" scenario.
     
  9. ChillerTwist

    ChillerTwist New Member

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    Certainly your life experiences help you understand a lot of these situations. I've read your bio thread, you've been through a lot and I think it's great that you contribute your knowledge to help others. Much like yourself I get a kick out of lending a hand, to friends or strangers. With that said, I feel like I should be going to the girl with some of the things discussed here, as I think they'd be of benefit to her and I feel somewhat obliged to help a FRIEND especially. Someone that was that close to me. I really want to. If the way she is now really is driven by something that's happened to her in the past that I don't know about, I feel bad... a feeling of helplessness. It's terrible. I really do feel like that. But at the same time after all the things we've discussed from MY point of view, I think I should just leave it.

    I guess these torn feelings will exist for a while now. What a son of a bitch they are, lol. :bigthumb:
     
  10. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    Having been on some many sides, I've come to realize that the line between victim and villain isn't so clear.

    Unfortunately being that you're in it, there is probably not much you can do aside from telling her that if she thinks she has a problem beyond a character defect, that she should get some type of treatment.

    I think leaving it would be in your best interest for now. She may come around again, and when she does, you can make it known what you think. You don't have to tolerate it though.
     
  11. ChillerTwist

    ChillerTwist New Member

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