SRS End of the rope of hope

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Brinley, Jan 15, 2005.

  1. Brinley

    Brinley Isis - Goddess of Creation

    Aug 11, 2004
    Likes Received:
    I'm having a serious dilemna in my marriage. I've posted about the sexual problems of my husband and I before and got some great advice, unfortunately, my marriage seems to be getting worse in my opinion. Story...

    I'm 28 weeks pregnant with my 4th child. My first two are from my previous marriage, but they consider my new husband their dad in every sense of the word. He's been their acting dad since my oldest was 4, she's now 7. We decided to have a baby in 2003, it was a mutual decision. In early 2004 some serious issues arouse concerning our marriage, and his honesty about it. (We were married in Washington, June 2003, I found out he was still married to his "ex" wife in April 2004). So, technically we aren't married. He is finally divorced from his ex wife, but we haven't made our marriage legal yet.

    During all this, we had some REALLY tough times, obviously. I decided to stick with him through everything because I love him very much, and I make our marriage and family my biggest priority. I was happy with 3 kids, but since they are all 3 girls, we decided to have another one and hope that it was a boy. Well, I am now pregnant with our "boy" and I feel like maybe it was a bad idea to let him talk me into it especially with everything that has been going on.

    Yesterday I was having cramping and a lot of pressure and I was concerned so I asked my husband to take me to the hospital. After being at the hospital for a couple of hours, we were released and sent home with an explanation that it was probably just back tendons and that the baby is nice and healthy and that I'm not going into labor. I was really freaked out last night, and in a lot of pain. I got the impression that I was putting my husband out by going to the hospital and even more so when he brought his laptop in the room while I was being monitored. I realize it is a tedious job to just sit there and wait, but I felt like I was all alone.

    When we got home, I went in and laid down because although we found out everything was okay, I still wasn't feeling any better. My husband proceeded to leave our screaming 22 month old with me while he went down and got on his computer. I made a comment about his lack of attention (probably more sarcastic than it needed to be) and he just left me there. I cried myself to sleep, while comforting my daughter.

    So, today I sit here, wondering what to do? This isn't the first time this has happened. I feel like I'm on the basement floor of his huge skyscraper of priorities. Worse yet, I feel like my two older kids are right there beside me, if not beneath me. He is an excellent provider, but as far as our marriage goes, I feel more like the housekeeper/nanny/roommate than the all encompassing "Partner".

    We've talked about it numerous times, I've suggested counseling, but he's not really interested. I've suggested maybe he talk to someone about it, but like counseling, he's not really interested. What I've come up with today is maybe sitting down with him and going over priorities in our life, comparing them, and going from there. Another idea is talking to him about maybe separating, but it would be a rather unique situation. Me being 7 months pregnant, it's VERY doubtful I could get a job anywhere! So, my thoughts are that maybe I can move out of our bedroom and into one of our spare rooms. We could both keep our roles as provider/ bread-winner (him), and care-taker/ domestic person (me) until the baby is born and I can go back to work.

    I'm just having a really hard time right now because of his lack of emotional attachment to my kids and me. I just feel completely in limbo and by myself in my marriage and pregnancy. Honestly, I think he's bored with me and the idea of a family, and it breaks my heart because I still love him more than anything, and no matter what happens, I'll always love him. I'm certainly not resigned to signing away my family and marriage by any means, but I'm at the end of the rope of hope. Looking for some light at the end of the tunnel.

    Sorry this is so long. Feel free to call it as you all see it. If I'm just being a whining emotional pregnant lady, feel free to say that too, but please explain why.

  2. BlueJeans

    BlueJeans Money For Nothing

    Dec 25, 2004
    Likes Received:
    Out There
    I am an expert on nothing. My advice probably useless.

    All I will say is that I feel your pain. I don't know if that counts for anything.

    Well, maybe I will chip in something. This is just a gut feeling. But maybe now isn't the best time to confront your partner on new living arrangements. I obviously don't know how things really are and what you are going through but maybe just hanging in there till the baby is born might be the best thing to do. For both you and the other kids.

    Moving down the hall sounds like something that may just intensify all the negatives without accomplishing anything. I guess what I'm saying is that if it's bad enough to leave then you need to leave. If not then just hang in there. You may need to carry on with an overly large burden during this pregnacy. But you may have to. You have kids that depend on you. Another yet unborn that needs you to be as strong as you can be.

    Ah shit. That was probably no help at all.

    Hang in there. And don't give up. Just writing here shows you still have hope, your still trying. Just keep at it.

    You go girl! :)
  3. katt_85

    katt_85 Active Member OT Supporter

    Oct 6, 2004
    Likes Received:

    The situation your finding yourself in is indeed a difficult one. I would definatly wait longer until decided you want to move out into a separate bedroom. Wouldnt that only distance you more from him?

    I am a little worried that you feel he lacks emotional attatchment to you, your children, and refuses the idea of councelling. I'm sure having three kids and one on the way must keep you both very very busy! Hes got the job and you have the kids to look after , and im sure both dont leave you with alot of alone time.

    How many months have you been pregnant for ? Have you both discussed making your marriage legal ? ( possibly an after your pregnant idea )How is your communication with your hubby ? Do you get to talk alot ? Or is he always not interested in a conversation regarding the both of you?

    My feelings too. lol
  4. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

    Oct 8, 2002
    Likes Received:
    Care,for all is like a bonsai tree
    First of all it's important that you have a (classic) husband (more too but i will explain later) , your husband is probably brought up with the typical idea. Male provides, Female abides. He thinks (in the back of his mind) that bringing up children is a woman's task. Along with cleaning the house, ironing clothes, cooking a meal. He just ensures that money comes on the table and doesn't want to do anything with the things i just mentioned. Now at any rate you have to understand that this is "normal" situation for a lot of males. Now young guys like your husband are typically easily 'fed up' with things. But that doesn't mean he doesn't love you, or that you have to immediatly worry that the relationship will end. 2 things.

    Your guy has to work at MOST 40 hours a week. Not a single hour more. Try to motivate him by working less hours , by saying 'you look tired' and i want you to work less hours a week because it is too stressfull for you. If you urge these things up to him, he should start to think. Maby he will concede and work less hours, which will enable him to spend more time with you and the kids. Which will hopefully be enough time to make you stop feeling lonely all the time.

    Second you are clearly over exaggerating your mother role. thumbs up for all your efforts into creating a big family, but the more kids you get the harder the strain and the more problems it gives. Problems that your husband rather would rather get rid of then ad on to his life.

    It is an akward situation that your husband has had a simultanious marriage while he was married to you. Do you suspect that he was growing tired of his previous relationship too, and that he now has transferred that same reflection of his previous marriage upon his marriage with you? It must be so hard, i have heard cases of males have several marriages without the female's ever having noticing anything, but it basically all comes down to cheating.

    My advice however is to stay with him. Reality is that your kids need a dad. And because you are financially dependant of him, i advice you to be 'hush hush' all about this. And not talk to anyone about it (exept here in asylum or professional counsellers you visit) He doesn't want to go to a counceller, and that his own way to say/proove to you and the outside world that he's not a 'loonie' and doesn't want to be stigmatised for it to be one either. You clearly don't understand your husband, nor his motivational drives to start a family. It seems to me that he is still very immature/unaware on what it is to be a woman and what responsibilities go along with having children. I advice you to 'forgive him' this, and gradually involve and learn him how to spend time with the kids(after he starts working less hours a week). You can plan doing things together, and you can think about going out in nature with him, and spend some quality time together for him to relax, and for you to be with him(not lonely instead of lonely)

    That feeling of lonelyness really touched me, i feel sorry for, however i assure you that you can bend this situation in for the good. You just need to sort things out,and both of you, namely you and your husband need an exhaustion pipe, where you can blow your steam and stress away. Now because you two don't have that, both of you are piling stress up. One that gives you stomache ackes, and one that makes your husband apathic and careless about the whole deal.

    Go for some stability, really no one wants to experience shitty times right? So that's why you need not to expose him to your emotional baggage you are carrying with you. It will take quite some work for the both of you to do nice things together, and then to make him open up and talk some more to you/children. So i advice you to indeed complain to your husband about the situations you are experiencing, but to talk talk talk about your emotions here in the asylum or at a counseller.

    Be broad thinking and gentle for your husbands situation, 'remember' he works horrible long hours, and i can assure you that when a day like that ends and you come home, nagging children/wife/problems/more work, are just too much to handle. It drives him to the edge, and you along with it to the edge of your marriage.

    Again if you need attention or someone to talk to, come here to asylum or talk to a counseller about it. We are here to support you. I hope this shed a bit more light on the situation for you.

    Hang in there. :wavey:
  5. There is no solution for those who think they have all the answers, and there are no answers for those who deny all available opportunities.

    I'm speaking about your Husband here. My recommendation is simple: Show him the post you just wrote. I would also speak with your doctor regarding what you wrote. You may find there are a combination of factors are work here aside from just the way you're being treated. You may also be feeling and thinking things you otherwise wouldn't think or feel since you're pregnant.

    This doesn't invalidate the fact that you have these needs - but it's important to understand as much as you can and take it seriously. For when you're considering separation - there is serious problems.

Share This Page