SRS End of the road v.4.5-year relationship

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Climbing Cracker, Feb 27, 2008.

  1. Climbing Cracker

    Climbing Cracker I am the Devil. And I am here to do the Devil's w

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    Last night, my girlfriend and I decided to call it quits. It was probably the toughest decision I've made. Funny how you picture yourself with someone and suddenly it's over. God damn, I don't even know where to begin now. My life is so routine with 2 jobs that making a lifestyle change is going to be difficult right away. I mean, 4.5 years...fuck. I've already began moving my stuff out of our apartment, which I will terminiate the lease, fees or not. This wasn't a messy breakup, it was very mutual and I truly hope we can become friends. We'd probably make better friends than partners anyway because there were some things about her that irritated me to no end. But, it's gonna take a lot of time. I'm a pretty emotional guy and this has just been a wrecking ball. I'm affectionate, she is not. I never knew how much affection meant to me until I didn't really have it. I realize we've both been in denial a long time. So, I'm relieved in a way that it's over, but I'm soooooo depressed because we had built so much together. We really had a great time for a few years. I'm trying to keep positive, but it's hard. :hsd:
     
  2. Yuppy

    Yuppy Have a seat right there....

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    wow well that sucks.


    good luck moving forward
     
  3. jmezz

    jmezz layin in bed stretchin my pumped quads for hours

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    Elaborate on the affection issue and you both being in denial.
     
  4. Elphaba

    Elphaba New Member

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    :hug:

    I know how you feel man. I was in the same situation (4.5 years for us too) about 2.5 years ago. It wasnt a messy break up for me and the ex either, but dont tell yourself it doesnt hurt just because it was a 'clean break'. I'm not saying you're doing this right now, but sometimes its easy to say "well, there was no cheating/lying/huge issue so I cant really be upset." Bullshit, be upset if you need to be and greive, fuck, you spent a long time together, but remember that you have to move past that eventually too. You're doing the right thing by trying to stay positive, just keep that in mind when the times get rough (sometimes I think a few weeks after the break up is harder than the time right after it...).
     
  5. Climbing Cracker

    Climbing Cracker I am the Devil. And I am here to do the Devil's w

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    She wasn't a hugger or a kisser, not really a "rubber", didn't like to cuddle much because i made her "hot" (I've very warm natured). The only thing she really liked was for her hand to be held. I'm touchy. I'd kiss the back of her neck just because I passed her, I'd brush her shoulder with my hands, hold her by her hips, etc. No one in her family is affectionate either. I like to be touched. It makes me feel cared for/loved.

    As far as being in denial, we both kind of covered up that we were unhappy. No one wanted to admit it, but then we moved in together and it really became apparent. Didn't want to help eachother out, I was always going to do my own thing, she did hers. I thought I was willing to overlook things about her that irritated me, but it got worse and worse. The worse it got, the more I tried to compensate.

    She's a great girl. I want to see her happy and successful and she wants the same for me. We just finally said it to eachother that we wanted different things.

    I'm 26, she's 31.
     
  6. Climbing Cracker

    Climbing Cracker I am the Devil. And I am here to do the Devil's w

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    you're right. and i'm dreading it horribly.
     
  7. Elphaba

    Elphaba New Member

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    But at least you know its coming, so you can do something about it. If you just need to chill out now, do it, but in ~2 weeks, you should plan to be doing something. Have a party, go to the zoo, get tickets to a game, join a knitting circle - anything! I dont think it'll make it compleately go away, but it'll probably help. I really wish I had done this, but instead I was moving back in with my parents and had no job.....it just made it all suck a little bit more.
     
  8. hbrown023

    hbrown023 New Member

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    Keep busy, like everyone says. It has always helped me during breakups. Like Elphaba says plan a party or something a couple of weeks out so you have something to look forward to. Or take up a new hobby..join a soccer team or something just so you have scheduled things to do.
     
  9. Climbing Cracker

    Climbing Cracker I am the Devil. And I am here to do the Devil's w

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    i'm going to spend MUCH more time on my photography. I race bicycles and that takes up a ton of time. You're both right though, I gotta plan something...
     
  10. Climbing Cracker

    Climbing Cracker I am the Devil. And I am here to do the Devil's w

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    Fuck. I'm lonely. Kinda just hit me I won't talk to her on a daily basis anymore. :hs: I used to call her, chit chat, we'd go out to lunch...but not anymore. :(
     
  11. TheGetUpkid

    TheGetUpkid New Member

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    :hs: I know exactly how you feel. Got out of a 4 year relationship about a year ago. My best advice for you is to not to rush the whole "friendship" thing.
     
  12. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Glad it was a civil, mutual breakup. I had one of those once and it was really nice just because it was solely a rebuilding process of my life...not a big old emotional mess as much; I was more positive and we ended up being friends later.

    Just realize it will take a while to not feel lonely at night or learn to do things for yourself, etc.
     
  13. whatever

    whatever OT Supporter

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    fuck man I had the same wall happen today. been 2 weeks exactly. down to the hour prolly. :hsd: it'll pass. the memories are there just gotta find the right ones for your emotional need...
     
  14. Elphaba

    Elphaba New Member

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    I think thats a big part of what I was trying to say. If you have something to look forward to...you're moving forward! Even if its just a nice dinner out with friends or treating yourself to a new pair of shoes (ok, so since you're a guy that might be different, but you get the idea)
     
  15. Climbing Cracker

    Climbing Cracker I am the Devil. And I am here to do the Devil's w

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    I won't. She probably won't either. I'm sure we both know it's not going to help, at all, at this point anyway. We spoke last night and we both wish there was some way to stay together, but there's really no reason. Our lives are so intertwined, we have the same friends and her family is like my family. We both race bicycles and it's inevitable that we'll run into eachother over and over.
     
  16. Climbing Cracker

    Climbing Cracker I am the Devil. And I am here to do the Devil's w

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    Honestly, I wish she was being a total bitch about this because it would make it so much easier to hate her. But, she's not. Neither of us is being an asshole. There's no reason for that. You're right, I have a lot of rebuilding to do. I want her to be successful and it upsets me to know I won't be there to see it and tell her I'm proud of her. We've changed eachother an incredible amount. She's made me 100x stronger than I ever thought I'd be. She says she would have never gone back to school without my encouragement. She's a very talented writer. She has incredible perception and a beautiful way with words.

    As far as being lonely, I've been lonely for a few months now. Void of emotion and compainionship. I thought that was hard, but this is waaaaaaay more difficult. We talked/cried last night over the phone and tried to see a way to make things work, but I really don't see it happening. My emotions say "yes" my gut says "no." There's a Tool song that describes this so perfectly:

    "I am too connected to you to
    Slip away, to fade away.
    Days away I still feel you
    Touching me, changing me,
    And considerately killing me."

    I feel emotionally, spiritually, grammatically ( wtf, :dunno: :rofl: ), connected to her. But it was killing me to be close to her because I know she wasn't "close" to me.

    The entire song "Schism" fits too:

    I know the pieces fit cuz I watched them fall away
    Mildewed and smoldering. Fundamental differing.
    Pure intention juxtaposed will set two lovers souls in motion
    Disintegrating as it goes testing our communication
    The light that fueled our fire then has burned a hole between us so
    We cannot see to reach an end crippling our communication.

    There are fundamental things between us that we will never agree on. I know that, she knows that. It's hard as fuck not to let emotions overrun the truth and stick to my guns. I've got to get more stuff out this weekend, so I'm obviously going to see her and I just want to hug her one more time and run my fingers through her hair and kiss her forehead. I do care for her deeply. It's going to be extremely difficult to walk away.
     
  17. Climbing Cracker

    Climbing Cracker I am the Devil. And I am here to do the Devil's w

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    Went out with some friends last night and we're going to see a Nashville Predators game and probably go to a strip club. I don't care for the clubs much, but it's just time with the guys. That's something I'm really looking forward to.
     
  18. Climbing Cracker

    Climbing Cracker I am the Devil. And I am here to do the Devil's w

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    I went back to my parents' house last night and the first thing I saw was a picture of the both of us during a vacation...We were so happy...:hsd::wtc: I saved up during an entire summer and took us to Seattle and Vancouver. It was a great trip. :hs:
     
  19. Punky72

    Punky72 New Member

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    I was involved with my ex-husband for 10 yrs (married for 7 of them). We had the same problem, I was the affectionate one and he was not. This was one of the biggest reasons our marriage failed because I didn't "feel" like he loved me and when he said he did it had no meaning to me because his actions did not show it.

    When we decided to get a divorce (non-contested), it was like a hugh burden lifted off my shoulders in the beginning. You know it was really hard at first to get used to not having him around...actually I think the first thing I did was run through my apartment and turn every light on (because he used to hate that). After about two weeks, I realized that what I really missed was the "habit" of having him there. We did have some good times in the beginning of our relationship and these are the memories that I share with our kid's, however, there was more bad then good. It took a few months for me to evaluate myself and examine my 10 yr relationship. What actually helped me was I made a list of the things that I really liked and dislike about myself, him, and our relationship. Then I figured out what I would and would not tolerate in a relationship and set boundaries for myself. Doing this kept me pretty busy in my spare time and I started to miss him a little less everyday.

    However, this actually helped me too, because I have since stuck to my boundaries and did not bend on any of my standards. Three years after my divorce I ran into the most incredible guy I have ever known. He meets all my standards and I have met all of his. I could not be happier.

    All I can say is now is the time for you to work on "you". Who you are and what type of SO you "need/want" in your life. In the mean time date a lot and , as others have said, keep yourself busy. The loneliness will fade in time, especially when you can learn to truly be happy with and by yourself.
     
  20. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    You've got to put every picture and everything from her, etc. away and out of sight for a while until you're over it.
     
  21. Climbing Cracker

    Climbing Cracker I am the Devil. And I am here to do the Devil's w

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    Funny that you say this, as I was just making a mental list of what did not work in our relationship. Those were the fundamentals that would eventually blow out the candle. We're compatible about 90%, but those other 10% of things were the things that weighed the most. It's a hard motherfucking fact of life. But, one that I just didn't want to face. Now I just have to get in front of it.
     
  22. Climbing Cracker

    Climbing Cracker I am the Devil. And I am here to do the Devil's w

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    I know. :( I saved every letter or note she ever gave me. No matter how small. I'm really that sentimental. :hs:
     
  23. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    I'm the same way. I have every movie ticket stub my SO and I have ever seen amongst other stuff. We actually had a major thread a few weeks ago about keeping momentos from your ex's. You should come over to the Vag :)
     
  24. Dreams2Reality

    Dreams2Reality saywhat

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    Hey man, I been reading the thread but neglecting to say things cause how sensitive of a subject it is. Just hang in there, pound back a few drinks with the guys, and keep on keepin'.. Sooner or later you're going to realize it isn't that bad.
     
  25. Climbing Cracker

    Climbing Cracker I am the Devil. And I am here to do the Devil's w

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    going to the Vag, brblol!

    edit:
    link to thread? :hs:
     

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