Emotional affairs: HELP!

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by DTR rex, Mar 22, 2010.

  1. DTR rex

    DTR rex New Member

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    So I've been dating this girl for several years now on and off. It's pretty serious, to the point that I've been putting money away for a couple months to hopefully put a ring on her finger next year.

    I had not suspected anything from her lately except the fact that she's very protective over her phone. Naturally, this raised a few flags but I just ignored it.
    Finally, last night she is sleeping in my room while I'm watching tv. I didn't want her phone to be dead the next day so I woke her and asked "did you bring your phone charger? I'll hook up the charger real quick".
    She popped out of bed like there was a Chinese Fire Drill and said it was ok and she would do it herself.
    I was becoming very suspicious.
    Then, she gets a text message at midnight. I thought "WTF" and went over to look and it was from someone named "J".

    At thought long and hard about whether or not I should investigate this. Finally, I broke down and looked through her phone as she slept.

    I looked at her inbox/sent box messages from this person "J".

    I found several texts from him just in the last 3 or 4 days. It seems he texts her like 6 times a day! Saying "good morning", asking what she's doing that day, saying he missed her, etc...
    I didn't want to jump to conclusion (could have been a female friend) so I called the number (from my phone) and a guy answered. I had my proof.

    I woke her up and questioned her about. At first, I played it cool and said someone named "J" sent you a text. Who is that by the way? She insisted it was her cousin "Joyce". I knew she was full of crap because I called the number and heard a guys voice. Then I told her the area code of the number was local and her cousin Joyce lives in California.... how could that be.
    She lied again. She said it was a calling card she uses.

    I kept asking her not to lie to me. She finally admitted the truth:

    It was some guy she met at work. She's been talking to him for about a month now. At first they were just acquaintances at work. Then, he got her number. She said she never gave it to him, and he just took it off the phone-book list at work... I don't believe her.
    She said that he's a good listener and she's been really down lately and she's been "using" him so that he would listen to her problems.
    We talked for probably 3 hours, most of which was me asking "why" and saying "you stupid bitch, how could you do this to me".

    She started crying, getting really scared, and saying that she never touched him and never planned to. She never kissed him, never hung out with him outside of work (they just went on break together and texted each other). She insists it was purely emotional and not physical whatsoever. She swore on a Bible that she never hugged him, kissed him, had sex with him, etc... She just used him as an emotional crutch.

    I've been going through some stuff lately with some minor health problems and my grandfather (who is my best friend and mentor) is sick with cancer again. She said lately I've been only talking about myself and she never has a chance to express her feeling with me and she needed an outlet.

    I admit, I have not been there to listen to her as much as I'd like, and she's GREAT with listening to my problems.... but that does not justify what she did.

    She said she has no romantic feelings for the guy, but does like her. According to her she's been using him as an emotional crutch because at work he listens to her problems. Which if fine. But she admitted after a while he started texting her constantly and she started getting more emotionally attached to him. She said she realized it was wrong, felt bad, and wanted to stop but everytime she tried to avoid him he would text her and she would want "someone to talk to".

    So this is the story.
    I'm really confused on how to deal with this. If it was physical cheating, I'd of kicked her out of my place in the middle of the night. But I'm not sure how to view this.
    I'm extremely hurt that she lied to me and carried this behind my back. She knew what she was doing was wrong but still continued it!!!!
    My worry is, if I had not found out last night, would this have turned physical? She swore up and down she would never do that to me, but I also she would never have an emotional affiar either.

    Obviously we're not really speaking right now. But I don't know what to do about this? Do I end this with her and cut off a long-term relationship and potential life together over this? I am notorious for not being forgiving, and I want to make sure I'm not making too big a deal of this, and not understanding her side of things.

    I want to believe that she made an honest mistake, and she's genuinely sorry. But I just don't know. I feel so betrayed and the trust in the relationship may never be the same I fear :(

    I mean, I've had small emotional affairs I guess. Last year there was a chick I became friend with and later on I found out she liked me. She flirted with me, at a party once she took off her shirt and tried to take off mine. Later that night she sent me a text about how she misses me and wishes we could be closer, etc... Granted, I erased that text immediately, and never told my g/f about it... but I was upfront with my g/f that said friend liked me, and I did convey to the friend that nothing could happen. We're still friends and still hang out, but she is well aware that nothing can happen with us.

    This crap is just all so confusing. I don't know if I should be raising hell and telling her to fuck off and die, or if I should try to be understanding and trust her that nothing more happened and she wouldn't have let it happen.

    Cliffs:
    G/f of several years had an "emotional affair" with a co-worker consisting of texting a lot and she let him believe she was interested so she could use him as an emotional crutch. She hid it from me and lied to me about it, but insists they never met outside of work and never once got physical. I'm not sure how to view this situation.
     
  2. Dahlia

    Dahlia Active Member

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    Emotional cheating to me is worse than physical. Physical is usually based just upon sex, and emotional is a bigger bond between them than sex.

    I couldn't keep dating her. If she felt like she couldn't get a word in edgewise with all your problems she should have been an adult and talked to you about her issues, not the guy in the next cubicle.
     
  3. just_another_on

    just_another_on New Member

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    IF you werent snooping you wouldnt know about it.
     
  4. ForgottenSpiral

    ForgottenSpiral Hope and Irony OT Supporter

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    I see two deal breakers for me just off the top of my head:

    1. Breaking trust
    2. Lack of communication
     
  5. peoplescar

    peoplescar Guest

    wow i actually read all of that.

    not really sure what to say here. she should be dedicated to you no matter what. having a friend to confide in is one thing but telling her he misses her and carrying on like that is obviously showing he likes her and would try to get her way from you, she should have stopped at that point.

    women are dumb though and even if she never would have done anything she would have led him on forever.
     
  6. peoplescar

    peoplescar Guest

    this can go both ways and you know that. :hsd:
     
  7. Ago816

    Ago816 New Member

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    She lied to you man, and it wasn't just a small lie. She lied to you about another man. I would be gone. And for him to be saying I miss you...How did she respond to that kind of stuff? Seriously man, she had no reason to keep this from you, and she knew she was doing something wrong by being crazy about her phone. What if this isn't the first time this has happened?
     
  8. Socrates

    Socrates New Member

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    I'd end it. Being sneaky and lying isn't a trait that you really want your woman to have obviously. I'm extremely trusting until they break the trust, and then it's pretty much over.
     
  9. Slobwelsh

    Slobwelsh New Member

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    tell you what buddy, what you eed to do is split, because her actions mirror what I've done in my relationship, Which is not a good thing btw. She will do it again and if she doesn't she'll want to. She's lying to you even in her confession it's pretty obvious.
     
  10. Aronomy

    Aronomy Get your COME ON!

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    Lulz about saying it was Joyce and that she used a calling card with a local area code.
     
  11. Holliday

    Holliday New Member

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    Did you really make her swear on a Bible? :rofl:
     
  12. m3m750

    m3m750 Kickin' it old school

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    who knew you could even send text messages from a calling card...
     
  13. Ago816

    Ago816 New Member

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    :rofl: so true
     
  14. DTR rex

    DTR rex New Member

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    I even told her a couple times over the last 2 weeks that I think our communication is poor and that is why we've been getting in stupid arguments.
    Again, I admit that I have not been the best shoulder for her to lean lately, but if she would have been more open about this maybe I could have helped her. Instead she went behind my back and tried to have her cake and eat it too.
    True. But that does not make it okay.
    Sometimes I wish I would have never looked and hopefully she would have told the guy what was up. But in the end, I deserve to know regardless so I think my snooping has been justified.

    Thanks for reading it all... I know it was long. She said at first he was just a friend/work acquaintance. Then she said it started getting out of control when he would constantly text her and realized he was expecting more out of her. She admitted to me that she knew she was doing something wrong once he started saying stuff like "i miss you", but instead of stopping it there she just strung him along because she wanted someone around to talk to more.
     
  15. DTR rex

    DTR rex New Member

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    She never responded to the "i miss you". When he started talking like that she realized she had gone too far and was in over hear head. But she admitted she was acting selfishly, knew she was doing something wrong, but decided to string him along anyway.

    And that's the problem, I don't know if this is the first time it's happened. She insists and swear it is. But I just don't know. I never thought I would be "that guy" who had his girl lie to him like this about another guy. I mean, she's a good girl, smart, religious, pretty high moral standards, etc... I never thought I'd have to deal with something like this from her.
    And yet, she lied right to my face. That's what I can't get over. She looked me in the eyes and lied to me! What if I would have believed her?

    She has shown she can lie to me... so I have no way of knowing if this is the first time or the last.
     
  16. DTR rex

    DTR rex New Member

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    And that's what sucks so much. She's an emotional handful, but one thing I thought I'd never have to deal with from her is question her loyalty and trust. She never seemed like that kind of girl. Which makes me feel even more betrayed.
     
  17. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    Sounds like a justification for snooping to me.

    Objective truth > breaking trust. Plus, if he had found that it really was nothing, then trust would've been strengthened.

    I think the TS should be commended for following through when his "gut" told him there was something wrong rather than following lies blindly. Snooping without reason is retarded. Snooping based on gut feelings or other reasons --> objective truth > breaking trust.

    The only people who disagree are people who have something to hide and hypocrites.
     
  18. DTR rex

    DTR rex New Member

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    :rofl:

    Yes.

    She's extremely religious and I wanted to be as certain as possible that this didn't turn physical and to be honest, that was the most assurance I could get.
    Probably seems ridiculous, but keep in mind it was 2am and I felt like I was losing my mind.
     
  19. djshotglass

    djshotglass New Member

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    If she didn't have sex with him, she planned on it. She fucking lied about it. Can you really trust anything else she said? Do you text "I miss you" to girls you haven't had a romantic relationship with?
     
  20. DTR rex

    DTR rex New Member

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    Yeah, I was reluctant to do it. I sat there for nearly an hour going back and forth, trying to put the puzzle together and justify looking through her phone. Finally, I decided that the circumstantial evidence stacked up against her was too large and I had to know.
    And I was right.
     
  21. DTR rex

    DTR rex New Member

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    UPDATE:

    So I talked with her for a little bit and this is basically she said she was really sorry and she never meant to hurt me. She just needed someone to lean on and I wasn't there for her. She loves me and never wanted to lose me, but life was getting stressful for her and she needed someone to talk to. She continued to reassure me she never kissed him, slept with him, went to his place, went to dinner with him, etc.... He was just a guy from work that she started using a crutch. She realized he was getting attached, but she didn't want to stop having that crutch around so she would string him along. She started hiding it because she didn't want to freak out and think it was more than it was (full blown cheating) and the minute he tried to make the relationship sexual or more intimate she would end it.

    She said she never told me about it when it got "serious" and he started falling for her because she didn't want me to get the wrong idea and she wanted to take care of it herself and end it before it could become something more.

    I don't know guys. My heart doesn't want to lose her but every fiber in my being is saying that we'll never workout because now I'll be mistrusting (I have natural trust issues anyway), and I feel like I'll never know the truth and the total extent of all this.

    Part of me wishes I would have just kept my mouth shut last night and checked her phone periodically to see if something more was developing... but I was so hurt and so uncertain of the extent of what was going on that I had to say something.
     
  22. demosnat

    demosnat New Member

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    A grown woman who still needs someone to talk to about her problems extensively is a red flag.

    Calling a girlfriend when you had a shitty day is one thing, but what could possibly be going on in her life where she needs a person who's full time role in her life is a shoulder to cry on? Unless her mother just died or something she sounds emotionally immature. You can either wait it out with her or move on.

    Is the relationship worth, to you, waiting possibly indefinitely for her to grow up and manage herself emotionally, and learn to stop lying and using men (by her own admission)?
     
  23. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    My psycho ex said the same stuff to me about the rockstar she was fucking.

    She said that, too. About the guy she was fucking.

    Is she a people pleaser?

    Cuz that's like one step away from "well, he was putting his dick inside me, but I didn't want to say 'no' and hurt his feelings."

    I'm not saying she fucked him. Honestly, she probably didn't, although I agree with djshotglass that she probably would have in the future.

    That's the thing with snooping. Once you tell them something you know, the entire game changes. One of these changes involves the other person becoming MUCH more stealthy. For this reason, it is usually best to not reveal that you have any information until the last possible moment.
     
  24. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    Fixed.
     
  25. demosnat

    demosnat New Member

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    Wrong. Again, unless her family just died in a Taliban coup or something, why does she need to spend a considerable amount of her time complaining? Unless she's under 18 or living in a refugee camp she has tools at her disposal to fix whatever she's whining about.

    Either she's wildly immature or her whining is a mean to an end, which is his penis, guilt free.
     

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