EDU: Tips for 3somes, swapping or swinging...

Discussion in 'Archives' started by RougeOgre, May 12, 2008.

  1. RougeOgre

    RougeOgre FS Librarian and MOD

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    Caveat: 3 somes, swapping or swinging are not for everyone. You should have a stable, long term relationship with your partner before you even discuss this. If either of you have extreme jealousy issues or communication problems, this is probably not going to work out for you.

    Q: How do I make my SO participate in a 3some/swap?
    A: You can't make someone nor should you try or even want to try. Adding extra people to your bedroom should ADD to your core sexual relationship and pleasure.

    Q: We have talked about a 3some and have decided we want to do it. Now what?
    A: First, sit down and discuss the rules. COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE... we can't emphasize it enough. What are you and your partner willing to do or have done? Can you watch them penetrate another/be penetrated or would you just be OK with fingers or toys? What do you really want from the encounter?

    Now, the question everyone wants answered: How do we find playmates?
    This is my experience and I'd like for everyone else who has shared to explain how they found their playmate(s).

    My Story::wavey:

    The hubby & I have another couple that we fully swap with. We have MFM, FFM & FF. We started as friends doing things like movies, dinner and other hobbies together. After about a year, things became sexual and we have been swapping for a couple years now.
    Yes, we have had issues but we have made a point to talk through them.

    Now... the rest of you get in here and help out the noobs.:hsd:

    Here are some Oldies that Bubba missed:
    http://forums.offtopic.com/showthread.php?t=3524347
    http://forums.offtopic.com/showthread.php?t=3479765
    http://forums.offtopic.com/showthread.php?t=1564024
    http://forums.offtopic.com/showthread.php?t=3711632
    http://forums.offtopic.com/showthread.php?t=3082049
     
    Last edited: May 15, 2008
  2. TigreTek

    TigreTek omega member OT Supporter

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    post up, it's going in the archives
     
  3. Zee

    Zee New Member

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    My Wife is a little more experienced than I am. She used to frequent Lesbian swingers clubs when she lived in Colorado....alot of reasoning was that she was un happy in her marriage and she had some Girlfriends that talked her into going and it made her very bi-sexual....when she told me this I was like :eek3:

    Now comes the fun part

    When we were in Germany toghether we heard rumors from the locals about a swingers resort in the Rheinland called The Maihof we found the website and took a drive......we were a little nervous (and over dressed) when we found it...we had a great time, met some great people and have been repeat visitors (3 times so far)

    1.)Trick for couples....talk about it, be open...my wife and I dont do threesomes, we like moresomes because threesomes have a tendency to leave one party out of the picture (unless its their choice to sit and watch) :big grin:
    2.)Lay the ground rules with yourselves and your prospective partners (this is best done with several coctails and great conversation)
    3.)I cant stress enought about being open, talk about your fantasies with the other couple.....I dont have a problem with two women having fun....and if the male half of the couples wants to have some MM contact, I dont have a problem with that either...but remember if you dont communicate this desire the other person might

    and last but not least, remember that your wife/husband/boyfriend/girlfriend are your life partners...they might get the idea that they are not satisfying you enough, thi sis not the case!!!!
    let them know that you are the only one you want to spend the rest of your life with and that swinging is only a distraction from the day to day rat race ONLY
     
    Last edited: May 12, 2008
  4. Bubba Atlantis

    Bubba Atlantis New Member

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    I am going to follow the same format as Rouge for this.

    Threesomes, swapping or swinging is not for most people. Many people find the allure of the threesome to be very enticing. However, there needs to be a high level of trust, respect and communication in a relationship for these sorts of events to be successful. Failure to have these components could easily result in the end of a relationship.

    Tips
    Threesomes should NEVER EVER be used to 'fix' problems or gaps in your relationship. This will NOT fix the problem, but only make it worse. If you are having difficulties in your relationship, talk it out between the two of you. If you need help doing so, go to couple counselling. Do not expect threesomes/swinging to fix any problems.

    Set-up your rules/boundaries for playing prior to the actual event. Discuss all possible outcomes and actions. During the event NEVER EVER break the rules/boundaries set out before the event.

    When swapping, go as slow as the slowest member. If you want to have a full-swap and your partner wants a soft-swap, you go with soft-swap. You should never pressure your partner into something they are not comfortable with. If you are trying to pressure them, please see the initial comment about communication and respect for ones partner ;)

    The people you are inviting into your relationship are just that, guests. The person/people you play with should never take the place (or even come close) of your primary partner. They are the most important thing and do not forget that.

    The people you are playing with are simply toys in your sex games. They are no different than using a plastic sex toy. Although it might sound bad, they are simply someone you are using, not forming an intimate relationship with.

    Never make sacrifices/take a hit for your partner. That means, if you are trying to find a couple and your partner finds one of the others in the couple attractive, but you do not find the other individual attractive, do not say 'oh well, I will do something with this person I do not find attractive so my SO can do something with the person they like and my SO other will just owe me next time'. This is the worst thing you can do because the inevitable will come up 'remember XXX....well I did stuff with XXX's SO so you could get with XXX, now you owe me, so do something with YYY's SO so I can play with YYY'. Not a good gameplan ;)

    How Do I Find Playmates?
    Personally, I find close friends the best to experiment with because there tends to already be a high level of trust in that relationship and the fears of judgement tend to be lower. In general people tend to find friends that remind them of them. Remember however, finding people to play with takes a while. In the six years Lovely and I have been doing this we have played with a grand total of three hardcore and three others softcore. When swapping you have to satisfy the interests of FOUR people, not just two (like usual dating practices). It is far harder to find a couple that both you and your partner like and that like you and your partner.

    How Do I Bring the Idea Up with Potential Playmates?
    Be upfront with anyone you are wanting to play with. Honestly, asking directly 'do you wanna fool around with my partner and I?' tends to be the best. This is not the time or situation to play games. We are not in high school anymore. If you are interested in someone and you think they are interested in you, talk to them about it. You might be surprised at how receptive they will be. Many people are curious. In addition, since you keep friends like yourself, they will probably be comfortable talking about it, if you are comfortable. It is all about being open. If you can not be open about your intentions and desires, this is NOT the activity for you. You have to be completely TRANSPARENT.

    My Wife/GF Want a MMF! How do I get out of it and convince her she wants a MFF?
    Quit being a hypocrite. If you expect your SO to take part in a MFF, then you have better be willing to do a MMF if that is what she wants. If you have difficulties with the idea of MMF, than drop the MFF idea. This, again, goes back to having respect for your partner. If your partner does not want to do something, you should not force them. Suck it up!

    My Story
    My Wife and I have been together since her 15th birthday (I was 16.5). As of today, we have been together for almost 7 years and married for almost 4. We started our playing with a close friend of my wifes. The two had been friends since they were four. Things started slow. It initially started with me being a spectator and my wife playing with the other girl (I took photos and video). As the comfort levels increased, we increased the activity. It is now 5.5 years later and we are now exploring more hardcore activities. We still have a no penetration rule, but the rest of the rules have been removed. Currently, we fool around with a few of our friends and have recently begun going to various fetish club parties. At these events, we stay together loosely, but for the most part, we spend the night a part having fun with others. Even the people at the clubs that we play with, we are friends with OUTSIDE of the sexual atmosphere. For some people random strangers would be the best route, but for most, I think friends is the best way to go.

    Some of my favourite/informative Threesome/swapping threads
    http://forums.offtopic.com/showthread.php?t=3796257
    http://forums.offtopic.com/showthread.php?t=3787963
    http://forums.offtopic.com/showthread.php?t=3658267

    Will add more as I remember them or they come up
     
    Last edited: May 14, 2008
  5. brock3931

    brock3931 OT Supporter

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    This thread has been needed for a long time! My wife and I have been swinging for a couple years and we (like all couples) have had our ups and downs. Luckily, we communicate VERY well. Through talking, and sometimes trial and error, we have found what works for us and have found how truly enjoyable this can be. One thing that should be pointed out just a little more: swinging, swapping, 3somes, whatever...must be enjoyed by both partners! Too many times people rush into it not realizing that their mate may have talked about it, brought it up, or fantasized, but just were not ready. We watched this exact thing ruin the relationship of some dear friends of ours. Talk it out, don't try to force or surprise your partner...just let it flow!
     
  6. RougeOgre

    RougeOgre FS Librarian and MOD

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    A friend & his wife also have another couple that they play with. They have the "no intercourse" rule, however fingers, toys and tongues are OK. They have also had seperate opposite spouse encounters WITH prior approval (Wife A with Hubby B and other spouses not around).
     
  7. Bubba Atlantis

    Bubba Atlantis New Member

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    I posted :noes:
     
  8. RougeOgre

    RougeOgre FS Librarian and MOD

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    I did a search and I see that quite a few of our successful participants in these activities aren't posting or haven't for a long time :wtc:
     
  9. Bubba Atlantis

    Bubba Atlantis New Member

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    we might have to get together and WHIP THEM!!! :naughty:
     
  10. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    My story:

    I'm in love with a girl and we have not closed our relationship. No restrictions. On anything.

    Thus far we've had a threesome where she and the girl played with each other's tits & made out, while and i did other stuff to them (fingered one to orgasm, fingered the other), and they both went down on me.

    We've also made out / felt up / been felt up by other people separately. She has also gone down on someone in my absence and I have had someone go down on me in her absence.

    My take on love and jealousy:

    To me there won't be much difference when it graduates to sex. Lots of people out there are attractive and it will be enjoyable for her and for me to do stuff with them. Whatever our experiences, if she loves me, that is all that matters, and vice versa.

    For me, love is not proprietary. In other words, there is no ownership required for me to feel love towards a woman. I've experienced for the first time the pleasure of watching a woman I cared for get pleasure from another guy as well as the pleasure of watching him get pleasure from her. I'm happy for her when she gets pleasure, and I'm actually turned on when she gives pleasure. I was NOT like this in my past relationships. Even when I didn't love my girlfriend, I was a jealous boyfriend. When I did love my girlfriend... I was an INSANELY jealous boyfriend. So this is a major major deal for me. It is a huge deal that I am able not to be jealous about this stuff.

    How do I get to that place emotionally...?

    No idea, but I recommend reading a book on exactly this topic called The Ethical Slut. Buy it and reference it and take what you like from it and enjoy.

    Our rules:

    The easy thing about what I have with my lover is that unless explicitly prohibited, anything goes. It's kind of the opposite of the other people here, where unless explicitly approved, nothing goes. We set our relationship up this way from the beginning. Emily and I have agreed that if the lack of closure in our relationship came at the cost of our love or happiness with each other, we would sacrifice the closure. There are only two rules we have - both prohibitive - and only one applies to this topic: stop engaging if/when either of us uses the safety phrase (previously agreed upon).

    And possibly comfort the other person. Lol.

    I'll edit this post as I think of more stuff. Or ask me questions and I'll put them in here.
     
  11. AKA

    AKA New Member

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    My Story:

    I was asked to be in a MMF with my best friend/ roommate and his GF. I agreed. At the time I had no clue if I would enjoy it or not. I have always been very uninhibited about sex and trying new things. Well I enjoyed the hell out of it. I started dating a girl not long after and we started full swapping with roomie & gf and having "orgys" at the house. It all came about because of communication and openess. Thats the big key to this. You have to be honest with everybody involved (not just the SO)

    For us there were no rules in the full swap but with the orgys we didnt allow kissing as that was intimate and just for me or our couplefriend. Sometimes it would be same room 4-sums other times it would be where she would spend the night in his room and his GF would stay in mine.

    TIPS: Communication --- period --- without it there is no relationship going to last -- especially when your considering swapping.

    As far as MMF 3sums --- It dosent make you gay. Why should you get yours fantasies met when she cant because your so closed minded to think it will make you gay. Just because its MMF dosent mean you have to be with the guy. I personally found it very erotic to see my SO sucking off a guy while I was fucking her. and visa versa.

    As far as where to find a partner. If me and my SO today would want to get into that (or should I say if she would) I would find a swing club in the area and go check it out. Maybe look at personaly online. what ever you do --- DO NOT FORCE THE SITUATION. it will backfire on you. Oh and do not do it for the 1st time if you yall are intoxicated and she hasent agreed to it while she was sober.


    I hope this helped out.
     
  12. IslanderOffRoad

    IslanderOffRoad Do you even lift kit? OT Supporter

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    My girlfriend and I have been dating for 4 years. We've had a couple 3-some experiences and are interested in having more.

    The most important thing to remember is you can't rush it, and it isn't always meant to happen.

    Our success has been with a close friend of mine for MFM 3-somes. The 3 of us were hanging out at my gf's apartment one night, and drinking heavily. My g/f and I had talked about 3-somes before, but neither of us had had one before. My friend and I had done an MFM oral only 3-some a few years prior. So, once we started playing cards, strip poker happened. Then it was pretty much all over. She wanted to fuck, I told her I didn't want my friend to be left out and she said for him to come along. She only gave him head, but we had alot of fun.

    A little over a year later the 3 of us did it again. We were in my hot tub after a party, had been drinking (again) and all of a sudden I hear her moan. Apparently he decided to take the liberty of initiating by fingering her. We took turns fucking her, but apparently I'm the only one who was sober enough to really remember it.

    We've played a couple less eventful times, and we're all still good friends.

    We have tried for an FFM constantly for a few years as she wants to try having fun with a girl, but we've had no luck. We use primarily Craigslist and AFF, but everyone we run into turns out to be flakes, or creepy.

    We tried a swing club that a local bar was launching 2 weeks ago... 2 other couples, both old enough to be our grandparents. We decided this wasn't the way to go for us.

    Friends are really the best way. But you need to have a great relationship with eachother and your friends to even be comfortable to suggest it; she's not comfortable with asking her girlfriends to join in.

    All in all if it becomes more work than fun to make it happen, stop. It will happen when you least expect it.
     
  13. Drunken Karnie Midget

    Drunken Karnie Midget In Yeo We Trust, All Others Pay Cash OT Supporter

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    Sorry rouge, i haven't been on the net in a while, and usually only briefly when i have. You asked me to post on this one, and here it is.

    I'm an example of what NOT to do. Rouge, and bubba have nailed the correct way to go about things. My wife and I used to do threesomes... once or twice. There's a reason it's so limited. We went about it the wrong way. We didn't really lay any ground rules before hand. Hell, we barely talked about the idea, we just did it. A short time later we were very near divorce, and no longer consider swapping, swinging, etc. We rushed in with a friend during a party, and barely talked about the idea with her before hand. There wasn't any serious discussion, just drinks leading to one thing, which lead to the next. Follow Bubba, and Rouge's advice, COMMUNICATE, set rules, limits, and boundaries, or you could be in for a very rocky relationship. Nessa and i have had our ups and downs, and were nearly capsized more than once.... many of our issues could have been avoided had we followed the advice posted above.
     
  14. TigreTek

    TigreTek omega member OT Supporter

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    anyone else?
     
  15. Primal

    Primal Pavement Killer

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    I know I am quite in here for the most part, but I hope I can add something to this.

    It has been said many times and I feel it bares repeating again. Communication is the key.
    That being said, I will begin with some back ground. My wife and I have been married for over 10 years and together for over 12. During this time we have always been quite open in discussing our fantasies and desires. One night she asked me what was the most erotic thing I had ever experienced and I told her about a time in high school when my gf of the time and her best friend gave me a blowjob and that it was an amazing sensual/sexual experience. Her response was that she would like to try that. We talked some more about other people and what is/isn't expected or wanted and what the rules are.
    Porn movies say that after this talk, the next day is an all day orgy, this is not true. It was about 5 years into our relationship before we brought someone else in. Since then we have had two MMF and multiple FFM (she says she enjoys playing with another female more so who am I to argue;)) and we have a couple we occasionally fool around with, but they have all been done with close friends and with these friends there is discussion of the rules.
    The most important part is being able to separate the act of sex from the act of making love. If you are the type of person that the two are one and the same (and there is nothing wrong if you are), then threesomes and swinging is not the way for you. For during these times the people you are fooling around with are basically just toys for your enjoyment. Sounds cold, but it is the truth.
     
  16. Bubba Atlantis

    Bubba Atlantis New Member

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    So true. I should have just bolded everything, but you made some very important points :)
     
  17. Drunken Karnie Midget

    Drunken Karnie Midget In Yeo We Trust, All Others Pay Cash OT Supporter

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    aye, good thread. Too bad i couldn't contribute more to it, but having a first hand view of the negative side of things can help too. Don't get me wrong, having a 3some itself didn't jeopardize our marriage, it's how we went about it, and the other issues at the time that really caused the problems.
     
  18. RougeOgre

    RougeOgre FS Librarian and MOD

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    We really want a balanced EDU thread and Sociopath, my sweet, you gave me what I asked for. Anyone who considers seriously doing this need to know the good, the bad and the OH SHIT :mamoru:
     
  19. Narcissistik

    Narcissistik We are all born original, most die copies......

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  20. Bubba Atlantis

    Bubba Atlantis New Member

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    Bye :wavey:
     
  21. jestre

    jestre New Member

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    I was ask to post this here.

    one of our stories.

    Thanks to Jose' Cuervo I had an event last Saturday that will probably change my life forever.

    Had a neighbor kids grad party last Saturday, and it turned into drinking fest by late evening. anyway. My wife, a female friend were doing Tequila shots and another female friend was hanging around.

    hmmm....2 very drunk women and another that is somewhat promiscuous.
    gotta love the situation.

    so, around 12:30 - 1am ish, I'm being pulled home by the 3 girls (across the road) We all get inside the wife and girls start kissing and stripping. next thing I hear is : "we need to find a bed".

    so upstairs we go. very hot! watching my wife go down on another girl, while I'm doing another from behind. Ended up having sex with all 3 girls, going down on them, watching them do each other.

    Over the next few days, I talked to the wife and the two girls. everyone had fun. wife and one the girls wants to do a 3some (other girl isn't into Bi activities).
     
  22. Bubba Atlantis

    Bubba Atlantis New Member

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    Based on recent experiences I wanted to add another post to this thread.

    It has sort of been stated already, but one of the reasons communication is so important is because you need to understand where everyone's comfort levels are.
    When playing with others, you should never 'allow' anything to happen that you are not 100% comfortable with. Even though you love your partner and you want them to be happy, if they are doing something with another individual that you are not happy with, do not just let it go. NEVER say to yourself 'well, I SHOULD be okay with this. So, although, I am not sure that I am (or am not comfortable with it), I should be or will be, so I will let it go'. This never works. Ensure that you are 100% comfortable and if you are not, don't do it. If you have a positive experience, than you will probably have another opportunity to do things in the future. Therefore, there is no need to rush things that you are not prepared for and there is no reason why you should allow your partner to (or yourself) do something that you are uncertain of. Also remember that it is okay for the rules to be different for different people. Do not feel bad if you felt comfortable doing something with one person but not with another. Just because you partook in an activity once with someone, does not now mean that that activity is acceptable for the rest of time with any partners. Rules and comfort levels change constantly and you need to understand that this is okay.

    Following this, anger/revenge, etc should never be a component of activities. I know this sounds like an obvious one and one might question why I am bring this up. However, even the most experienced of people can fall victim to this given the right situation. When you are angry or upset you can easily do things that you are not proud of or you know is wrong. If you know it is wrong or you are not 100% sure it is right, than do not do it. The worst thing you can do is do something beyond the rules/boundaries as a way to get back at or 'hurt' (because you have been hurt) your partner. Sometimes we say things that we do not mean when angry. Meaning that if your partner says that they are fine with something, but you can TELL they are not, don't do it. Listen to how things are said, not what is said. If you are partaking in these activities, it means that you have a good understanding of one another. Thus, you should be able to read your partner fairly well and realize when they are just saying something to make you happy (and it is not actually how they feel) and when they are truly stating how they feel. This is the quickest way to not only eliminating all activities with others, but possibly ruining your own relationship forever. Remember, Trust, Honestly, Respect and Communication are the most important components. If you do something with another individual out of anger or payback, you loose trust, respect and possibly honesty and as a result communication ceases.

    Again, although these seem obvious, never take the obvious for granted. You do not want to leave things to chance and want to make sure you cover all ground.
     
    Last edited: Jun 11, 2008
  23. dew

    dew Banned

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    in for later.
     

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