First time coming down to post in here I think, but I think I need to unload. Don't really have anyone in my life I feel like I can talk to about this safely. Been married coming up on 8 years after dating for 3; life has had its ups and downs, my work situation has been highly unstable at several points and peaked in my company flat out screwing me over and then falling apart at the end of last year, right my wife and I bought a house at the peak of the So Cal housing market. So right now we're in the middle of a short sale, I haven't been able to find employment at anywhere near the rate I was earning before. I say all this because I know that my situation is a major contributor to the big picture in our relationship. She is, by all measures, damaged goods. Typical sexual abuse / shitty family / unconsensual sex and bad relationships down the road. I'm sure that being the rescuer and taking care of her and her emotional problems serves my needs in some way, but we've done well. We've had a GOOD relationship. Not perfect, nobody's perfect. At one point about 4 years ago she admitted to having an "emotional" affair with a guy from work (after she somehow managed to conference me in on a phone call with him and left the whole thing in my voicemail). But that went away, we talked it out, life went on. With all the shit we've been going through lately, there's been an increasing distance between us; I felt like stuff wasn't right but I knew there were a lot of reasons. She also recently lost about 50 lbs and is in the best shape of her life after gaining a good bit of weight early in our marriage (she was always beautiful, but didn't feel like she was, you know how that goes). A couple of weeks ago, too many drinks in her, on the way home from someone's house, she tells me in the car "I don't feel any passion for you anymore, I love you but I don't think I've ever really been IN love with you. And there is someone else in my life, he's been in and out of the picture for a long time." She tells me that she hasn't "DONE" anything with him but she does feel that way about him. She has ranted about this sort of thing drunk before but never in this kind of detail. The next morning I talk to her about it (sober) and she says that it's true, she has been feeling like this but she wants to work on our relationship, and that she has cut off this other relationship and will not pursue it. She seems really genuine about this. This sparks my curiosity and makes me check our cell phone records, which I haven't looked at for quite some time. It looks like she's been calling and texting a particular number in a nearby town quite frequently, 20-40 minute calls almost every day while she is at work. Hundreds of text messages (400-500/month). It's not a number I recognize. As of this past week, she's still been calling or texting this number almost immediately after she gets in the car to drive to work. She's also been receiving texts from this person as early as 5:30am when she gets up to go to the gym or run in the morning (note that I honestly believe she is exercising during these times). I finally got a chance to check on her phone whose number this is, and it's my best friend's work cellphone, a number I don't even have. I know he and HIS wife have been having some rough spots and I know that he talks to my wife about it sometimes, but usually when I'm around. I think I'd have to be a complete dumbass to think that all of this contact is just him needing a shoulder to cry on, particularly since my wife has been deleting her call and sms logs constantly (yes, I am looking at this point). Up until the last few days I've been talking to him about what's going on in our relationship; since I figured out it's HIM she's been talking to, I think he's just been having a good laugh at my expense. The only person I actually feel like I could talk to about this comfortably is HIS wife, who is one of my (and my wife's) closest friends, but right now my priority is figuring out what's up with MY relationship, not trying to get him in trouble just because he deserves it. I really don't know what I'm going to do with this. I don't WANT to get divorced but I also can't be shit on for the rest of my life. I want to talk to her about it but at the same time she's made it clear that she'll just say whatever it takes to make me feel better and go on doing whatever she wants. Right now I just keep reloading the AT&T account status page and watch the messages build up, look at the message on my phone from her saying "I love you SO much, have I told you that lately" at 10:02 and seeing 14 messages and a phone call to and from him in the 15 minutes before that. It's like a trainwreck happening in front of me, I can't take a step out of the way to save myself and I can't look away. FML. Thanks for listening.