SRS Driven to distraction, need to vent (woman trouble, big surprise, allthatshitbyme.)

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by dbman96, Jun 8, 2009.

  1. dbman96

    dbman96 Active Member

    Joined:
    May 25, 2000
    Messages:
    49,996
    Likes Received:
    6
    First time coming down to post in here I think, but I think I need to unload. Don't really have anyone in my life I feel like I can talk to about this safely.

    Been married coming up on 8 years after dating for 3; life has had its ups and downs, my work situation has been highly unstable at several points and peaked in my company flat out screwing me over and then falling apart at the end of last year, right my wife and I bought a house at the peak of the So Cal housing market. So right now we're in the middle of a short sale, I haven't been able to find employment at anywhere near the rate I was earning before. I say all this because I know that my situation is a major contributor to the big picture in our relationship.

    She is, by all measures, damaged goods. Typical sexual abuse / shitty family / unconsensual sex and bad relationships down the road. I'm sure that being the rescuer and taking care of her and her emotional problems serves my needs in some way, but we've done well. We've had a GOOD relationship. Not perfect, nobody's perfect. At one point about 4 years ago she admitted to having an "emotional" affair with a guy from work (after she somehow managed to conference me in on a phone call with him and left the whole thing in my voicemail). But that went away, we talked it out, life went on.

    With all the shit we've been going through lately, there's been an increasing distance between us; I felt like stuff wasn't right but I knew there were a lot of reasons. She also recently lost about 50 lbs and is in the best shape of her life after gaining a good bit of weight early in our marriage (she was always beautiful, but didn't feel like she was, you know how that goes). A couple of weeks ago, too many drinks in her, on the way home from someone's house, she tells me in the car "I don't feel any passion for you anymore, I love you but I don't think I've ever really been IN love with you. And there is someone else in my life, he's been in and out of the picture for a long time." She tells me that she hasn't "DONE" anything with him but she does feel that way about him. She has ranted about this sort of thing drunk before but never in this kind of detail. The next morning I talk to her about it (sober) and she says that it's true, she has been feeling like this but she wants to work on our relationship, and that she has cut off this other relationship and will not pursue it. She seems really genuine about this.

    This sparks my curiosity and makes me check our cell phone records, which I haven't looked at for quite some time. It looks like she's been calling and texting a particular number in a nearby town quite frequently, 20-40 minute calls almost every day while she is at work. Hundreds of text messages (400-500/month). It's not a number I recognize.

    As of this past week, she's still been calling or texting this number almost immediately after she gets in the car to drive to work. She's also been receiving texts from this person as early as 5:30am when she gets up to go to the gym or run in the morning (note that I honestly believe she is exercising during these times).

    I finally got a chance to check on her phone whose number this is, and it's my best friend's work cellphone, a number I don't even have. I know he and HIS wife have been having some rough spots and I know that he talks to my wife about it sometimes, but usually when I'm around. I think I'd have to be a complete dumbass to think that all of this contact is just him needing a shoulder to cry on, particularly since my wife has been deleting her call and sms logs constantly (yes, I am looking at this point).

    Up until the last few days I've been talking to him about what's going on in our relationship; since I figured out it's HIM she's been talking to, I think he's just been having a good laugh at my expense. The only person I actually feel like I could talk to about this comfortably is HIS wife, who is one of my (and my wife's) closest friends, but right now my priority is figuring out what's up with MY relationship, not trying to get him in trouble just because he deserves it.

    I really don't know what I'm going to do with this. I don't WANT to get divorced but I also can't be shit on for the rest of my life. I want to talk to her about it but at the same time she's made it clear that she'll just say whatever it takes to make me feel better and go on doing whatever she wants.

    Right now I just keep reloading the AT&T account status page and watch the messages build up, look at the message on my phone from her saying "I love you SO much, have I told you that lately" at 10:02 and seeing 14 messages and a phone call to and from him in the 15 minutes before that. It's like a trainwreck happening in front of me, I can't take a step out of the way to save myself and I can't look away.

    FML.

    Thanks for listening.
     
  2. THoC

    THoC New Member

    Joined:
    Feb 5, 2007
    Messages:
    7,341
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    TRampa, FL
    sorry to hear. im going to go w. a gut feeling and say that yes, she is at the least emotiinally cheating on you w. your BF.

    its sad that not only is your wife fucking you over but so is your BF.

    w. that said you need to stop killing yourself over it and talk to her about what is happening between the two.

    if i were you i would call him over to hang out while your wife is home and flat out ask them both. you will be able to tell if they are bullshitting you which is probably what will happen.

    divorce sounds shitty.... and it is.... ive been through one. but guess what? you'll live.

    is it not better for you to go through a rough patch then to live the rest of your life being shat on by your "BF" and your wife?
     
  3. dbman96

    dbman96 Active Member

    Joined:
    May 25, 2000
    Messages:
    49,996
    Likes Received:
    6
    Thanks for the support, I know I need to deal with this, I just keep hoping I'll accidentally get hit by a truck and not have to worry about it. The awesome thing is that right now I work for her family (another source of contention) and we are about to move into a house owned by a close family friend (of HERS) which she is letting us do free of charge in exchange for fixing the place up... so I could in one move lose my best friend, my wife, my job, and my home. "Sorry - you have failed at life. Please reboot."
     
  4. dbman96

    dbman96 Active Member

    Joined:
    May 25, 2000
    Messages:
    49,996
    Likes Received:
    6
    I do think I owe it to myself and my friend to call this number (ideally from a Caller ID blocked phone) to confirm that it is his. I am taking it at face value that it is entered into her iPhone as this guy's "work" number but she may have just done that to make the calls less conspicuous.
     
  5. THoC

    THoC New Member

    Joined:
    Feb 5, 2007
    Messages:
    7,341
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    TRampa, FL
    it's possible. you prob should call it and verify before you confront them.

    either way your wife is a waste of space. she is either talking to your BF or talking to someone she does not want you to know about.


    as far as your situation w. house and work. its going to suck and i cant even start to imagine having to go through that. BUT... you need to have pride in yourself first and not let yourself be stepped on like that.


    i hope that she is talking to someone else and hiding it as your BF #. bc l could not imagine being back stabbed by both my wife and BF in one shitty swoop.
     
  6. Lazy D.

    Lazy D. Active Member

    Joined:
    Oct 10, 2000
    Messages:
    29,766
    Likes Received:
    17
    Location:
    Canada
    I remember going through a divorce, when my wife cheated on me, only it wasn't with a BF. Exact same thought was on my mind daily. Not a suicide thought, but more of a disbelief (is this shit happening to me ? no way) and desperate effort to make it go away. It was just a few months ago. Trust me, it will get better. Talk to her, talk to your friend. Get it out of the way, resolve this situation as soon as possible. Get a divorce if you have to. You are not going to feel like shit forever, your life is not over. Even if it feels like it. You will get better with time. You will look back at your relationship and realize it wasn't right and you'll be glad she's gone.
     
  7. Spaceering

    Spaceering I bite.

    Joined:
    Dec 26, 2008
    Messages:
    755
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Texas
    I have read many stories similar to this, and seen the advice people give, and some will probably give it again. Quoted below, I left the parts from your original post that I think you fucked up big time doing.



    Now if/when you do confront her, what are you going to say? Oh hey honey, I did some snooping around because I did not trust you.


    you said it yourself
    so i say you at least start there and figure some things out. You obviously are doing something wrong, or you are not giving her what she needs otherwise she wouldnt be going to others would she? And why are you even thinking about trying to get him in trouble? Explain some of this anger. he is supposed to be your best friend?



    I have never been married, but I have done sneaky shit before and brought crap onto myself, and I realized that I just need to stop doing that. I naturally tend to secretly find things out, and sometimes i dont even realize I am doing it. It is not at all fair to do this to people. The quicker you realize that, the faster you are going to try to correct yourself the next time you find you self devising little plots. Like this one, in your later post
    To help weaken these habits, I do other things to keep my mind occupied. Things like reading, exercising, and telling myself over and over that I need to not snoop. And I did this kind of shit to other people for 4-5 years. I never even realized i was doing it, but looking back, I wish I had. It really dawned on me when I got very close family members dragged into these habits. And if it would have gone on, I can only imagine how bad it would have gotten, because it got worse as time progressed. Please realize that your life is going to continue being FML until you fix this. If you have to get professional help, please do.
     
    Last edited: Jun 9, 2009
  8. Midgetized

    Midgetized Don't mess with Douche Cat

    Joined:
    May 29, 2000
    Messages:
    49,189
    Likes Received:
    6
    Location:
    San Diego, CA
    Why not? She had already told him there was someone else so why should he trust her? She lost her right to privacy when she started emotionally cheating with someone else. Hopefully he isn't one of those pussy-whipped guys who will let her bitch at him for snooping instead of addressing the real problem of her cheating.
     
  9. Spaceering

    Spaceering I bite.

    Joined:
    Dec 26, 2008
    Messages:
    755
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Texas

    this is true. I kind of just went off on a rant, but i wasted years screwing up being too afraid to stand up for myself. if you do man up, try looking back, see what you did wrong. because relationships are two way things. One person is never to blame, it should always be both people. She emotionally cheated on you, and you must have done something to cause her to do that. once it is all over, maybe some reflection on your part can be helpful for the next relationship
     
  10. Daria

    Daria New Member

    Joined:
    May 15, 2006
    Messages:
    5,529
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Ottawa, Canada
    what? now it's his fault that she's emotionally cheating? it's no one else's fault but hers. People do have a choice. She's taken the easy road to not divorce her husband and flirt with another man. She's probably taking the easy road because of her past and the fact that she's too afraid to leave her husband. For a person coming from a background like hers as described, stability is a wonderful thing to hold onto. She's trying to have her cake and eat it too.

    If she can't do the right thing, I think the TS should. Take some time apart. Let her decide what she wants. If she wants to pursue a relationship with this other man, the TS should insist that she leave. If she wants to come back and the TS wants her back, then it's all fine and dandy as long as she's not yo-yo'ing back and forth.

    Regardless of what's going on with this woman, the TS deserves someone who loves him as much as he loves her, as everyone does. Living with heartache, doubt, and unhappiness is no way to live. If this woman was truly, truly in love with her husband, she would cut off all contact 100% and work on spending time with her husband to become closer to him. She is sending out a clear message by not doing this.
     
  11. dbman96

    dbman96 Active Member

    Joined:
    May 25, 2000
    Messages:
    49,996
    Likes Received:
    6
    Honestly your post was harsh but I appreciate your candor. I need some support here but it's also good to have a contrary reality check.

    I think I was more than justified to start peeking into her records when she told me there was something going on. But when I confronted her last night, I thought back on your post and realized there was no reason to bring that up, so I said nothing. I had enough other reasons to suspect that it was him, and I was right.

    She confessed that this has been going on for a long time, on and off for years. She said it hasn't been sexual because the only time they're actually together is when we are all hanging out as a group. She may be covering something, but knowing where she is almost all of the time, it really would be difficult for them to be having an ongoing physical relationship. He turned to her when he was having troubles and they built an emotional connection, which they've been cultivating over the phone for a long time. Apparently at some point he's tried to get her to leave me for him but neither of them are willing to give up their marriage, so they just kept this up behind our backs.

    This gets really fun because a few years back (I think when the two of them started really connecting) his wife actually cheated on him with his younger brother. This ended with his brother moving out of state and my friend whines incessantly that he never had to deal with the consequences of his actions (brother's wife never found out, his family doesn't understand why they don't speak anymore, etc) so I really do think that by his OWN standard, my friend's wife needs to find out about this. Maybe it will break them completely, maybe they'll feel like they've leveled the playing field now and they'll move on. They've been fighting like cats and dogs lately and now I know why he hasn't really been making an effort in their relationship.

    If I'm going to be completely honest here, I have a very close friendship with his wife for many years and at some point I started becoming attracted to her (similar situation, really - when they were in trouble she started talking to me about it). Knowing that was a genuinely dangerous situation (assuming she felt the same, which she probably didn't), I have gone out of my way to minimize personal contact with her and not get too close. Now, with all of this going on, my first reaction in this shitstorm was that I wanted to go to her and reveal everything. I started texting her frequently and trying to see if she's aware of this without actually telling her, but thinking about it with a clearer head, I know this would just be destructive, so I've held my tongue and will continue to do so. If he's man enough to tell his wife and try to deal with it, then he can do so.

    My wife has said that she's severing contact with him (but she's said that before) and obviously we're not going to be hanging out as buddies or as a group. I want to talk to him but I'm not ready to do that. I'm just angry and hurt and I know I can't accomplish anything useful by getting pissed and smashing his face in. But this change is going to demolish our connections with almost all of our friends (most of them are related to him and all of our close friends are shared), so eventually we're going to have to come up with some way to address this.

    I genuinely want to make things work with my wife and am willing to make an effort and suck up a little bit of my own pride to get there. But she is on notice that repeats of this destructive course of action will not be tolerated, I will not be shit on for the rest of my life. (And while it makes me feel like a weasel to say this, the fact that I didn't reveal my awareness of the phone records or his work number makes it pretty easy to know if she's following through on this or not.) We're contacting a couples' therapist and I am probably going to pursue individual therapy as well, because I have so few people that I can actually talk to about this.

    Thank you guys for your support, I'm sure I'll need it as this goes on.
     
  12. dbman96

    dbman96 Active Member

    Joined:
    May 25, 2000
    Messages:
    49,996
    Likes Received:
    6
    I know, right? This is why I don't have children.
     
  13. Midgetized

    Midgetized Don't mess with Douche Cat

    Joined:
    May 29, 2000
    Messages:
    49,189
    Likes Received:
    6
    Location:
    San Diego, CA
    :bowdown: smart man. She needs to be checked up on at first to make sure she is actually sincere.
     
  14. polishillusion

    polishillusion New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 3, 2007
    Messages:
    1,319
    Likes Received:
    0
    Tom Leykis.

    Download his last 15 years of work.

    Listen, cry, and then listen some more.
     
  15. Spaceering

    Spaceering I bite.

    Joined:
    Dec 26, 2008
    Messages:
    755
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Texas
    well i tend to be bad about giving even my own self support. But, I hope that what I said at least made you realize something. Because I know I come here and some of the stuff people say, I would never expect to hear, but ends up being the best information for me.

    If not, well :ugh:. I just got shit on a lot of my life too, and sort of found my self in similar binds, but I did it over and over and over and the result was always the same.


    Now you can make any choice you wish. It seems like you want to stay married, and I have seen older people in a more advanced situation like what yours may become. I have an aunt and uncle that would have gotten divorced decades ago, but never did mainly because they wanted their kids raised with two parents. They are still married, but it is just to be married.


    I warn you not to just start making all these bold declarations because you might be disappointed further down the line if you did not live up to them.

    Good luck getting through this clusterfuck. I say that as long as you did everything right then it is all good. I myself could end up in a bind like you are someday, but life always has good and bad cycles. And as long as I did everything I thought was right, all i can do is just wait for the next cycle of good to roll around, and truck it through the phase of bad.
     
  16. GFlem

    GFlem New Member

    Joined:
    Sep 13, 2004
    Messages:
    19,574
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Lakewood, OH
    Ask yourself two questions.

    Since marriage is based on trust, how do you feel your marriage is going to fare, now that you've proven you can't trust her? Remember, she said she CUT HIM OUT, and only admitted the truth to you when she was hammered - she qualified it later by lying to your face.

    How does this guy qualify as your best friend? He's fucking your wife.


    You need to put yourself in a very honest place right now.

    You are a good person, and a more honest friend than either of these two negative influences. Keeping yourself subject to this kind of disrespect is going to turn you into a bitter, angry cuckold, and that is NO WAY to go through life.

    Dump her. She's a worthless whore who's either not happy or not respectable.

    Dump him. He's a backstabbing, traitorous dick who can't be happy with just one woman.

    Watch "Wanted" for inspiration. Seriously. As bad and clichéd as his situation is at the start of that movie, that's what you seem to be willing to endure.

    Snap out of it and do what must be done.

    Remember, YOU are the victim and it is up to YOU to save yourself. YOU are a good person and deserve better than these assholes.
     
  17. JBunni

    JBunni New Member

    Joined:
    Apr 15, 2009
    Messages:
    1,040
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    east of here
    woooow

    from your last post I think you are taking the right course. It is personally really great to see someone willing to try to work it out and hang in there instead of running from it.

    Maybe I'm wrong, but it sounds like you have had a lot on your plate with financial trouble, your job, etc, and perhaps she has felt left out/behind, and therefore turned to your friend. As someone mentioned, when a relationship goes 'bad', its usually both parties fault in some way. Not that anything you did would justify her cheating, but maybe she is getting something emotionally from him that she is not from you. Try to find out what it is and work on it, and also, let her know that you are in NEED of her support. She cant let you carry all the family burden and then 'feel left out'.

    Maybe I'm wrong and jumping to conclusions. Even so, I'm glad to hear you are trying to work it out, and hopefully the therapy will do your relationship good.

    Keep us posted on how things are going. :)
     
  18. dbman96

    dbman96 Active Member

    Joined:
    May 25, 2000
    Messages:
    49,996
    Likes Received:
    6
    Thanks, I appreciate it. I agree with what you're saying - I don't think I deserve this and I believe that I do deserve better. But I also believe that it's worth giving her a chance to be better, and see if I can't be a better person at the same time. If we both learn from this and things improve, then great. If not, then at least I feel like I did my part to try and fix this rather than just throwing away the last decade of my life that I've spent with this person. I don't like the fact that this violation of trust is going to put me on edge for the months or years to come, but if she's willing to show that she wants to earn my trust back, I'm willing to rebuild it.
     
  19. Jarg0n

    Jarg0n New Member

    Joined:
    Sep 6, 2007
    Messages:
    197
    Likes Received:
    0
    If my gf was "emotionally" cheating with someone, I'd be crushed. I could never look at the same. That's just me though. To me, serious emotional cheating is almost as bad as physically performing the act. A little flirting is borderline harmless, but that many texts and calls? She's obviously infatuated with him.
     
  20. Daria

    Daria New Member

    Joined:
    May 15, 2006
    Messages:
    5,529
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Ottawa, Canada
    she's NOT willing to earn your trust back. she already proved that by saying she cut him out of her life, then went right back to it again. you're willing to rebuild it, she's not. It takes dedication from both sides and she has absolutely none.

    She had her chance when you confronted her about this and she blew it big time. How many more chances are you willing to give?
     

Share This Page