SRS Don't want to be an enabler......

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Biggity, Dec 13, 2005.

  1. Biggity

    Biggity Only the dead have seen the end of war

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    My father has been diagnosed with schizophrenia, depression, and bi-polar disorder along with that he's got high blood pressure, high cholesterol, epilepsy and diabetes :hs:

    So, needless to say he doesn't work and relys on his social security benefits. He recently called and asked if I could send him money. He said it's for prescriptions. So I called his pharmacy and was going to pay for the meds over the phone, the guy told me the meds were paid for. And they were just waiting for his nurse to pick them up for him.

    I called my dad back and he changed his story to why he needed the money. He said he needed $175 or something like that. He kept changing the story around. I finally broke down and sent him a check. I made it clear that this is a one time thing and that I can't afford to support him as well as my own family.

    I'm fairly confident he's going to call and ask again for some money. Any suggestions on how to deal with this?

    He's just so fragile I don't want to hurt his feelings :hs:
     
  2. PuppyCat

    PuppyCat O.T. Mom

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    Just say "no".
    Learning to say "no, is one of the best lessons I have learned this past month.
    Mo explanations, nothing, just a simple, decisive, "no".
     
  3. Hootahz314

    Hootahz314 I have daddy issues

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    What was the money for if not for his scripts? While yes, he's your father, and yes his situation completely sucks, he has to know the difference between a want and a need. If you are sending him money so he can buy crap that he doesn't need then you obviously know what to do. My grandmother tried doing this to me after her surgery, come to find out she wanted me to pay her cable bill so she could continue her DVR service. I don't have all of that so why would I pay for hers?! You have to not let the guilt trips get you down and put your foot down or else he is going to end up making you suffer. If he is having trouble paying his bills maybe you could look into different organizations that are specifically meant to help people with handicaps. I know my electric, gas and water companies all offer assistance, it's why I donate an extra dollar a month on all of my bills. ;)
     
  4. johan

    johan Active Member

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    In your title, you already recognize that you're an enabler. So stop it.

    Help your dad out in non-monetary ways.

    Invite him to a home cooked supper. Maybe set a regular 2 or 3X/week thing.
    Help him arrange his finances.
    Help him get his scripts and meds organized and squared away.
    Make sure he has decent clothing.

    You can do LOTS for him that will help in real and substantial ways that do NOT involve cutting him a cheque.

    And the most important thing of all: CONTEXT. You need to sit down with him and explain that you LOVE him, that you will do anything to help him, but that you just don't have the money at the moment.

    In reality you probably do have some money, but this polite little white lie is easier for both of you to swallow than for him to confront his own weaknesses and for you to have to witness your own father crumbling before you.

    So allow him the dignity and pride of not being forced to beg, or the shame of having his son cut him off.

    Make it your problem, where you can't afford it.

    But remember all the non-monetary ways to help. Most important is the regular contact and the emotional support that flows from that.

    That's worth more than any monthly check you could write.
     
  5. Biggity

    Biggity Only the dead have seen the end of war

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    I suppose I should have said I like 1300 miles away :hsd: Easier said then done to cook for him.

    I have him enrolled with an organization that pays his bills and such for him (he's terrible with finances, even before all his health issues) His insurance covers his scripts and such (he only has a $3 copay per script) and his nurse picks them up for him. I send him shirts and such here and there, but what I really need to send him is a cleaning lady :o

    Still not really sure what the money was for exactly.... The more I think about it, it's probably for Cigarettes, which he's not supposed to be doing since he also has COPD :ugh:
     
  6. Biggity

    Biggity Only the dead have seen the end of war

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    He said scripts, but I'm REALLY doubting it.

    He has a roommate.. So his bills are split between him and the room mate, I just have no idea what he's trying to pull here. And with the split of the bills he should have spending money left over too.

    I know he did this with my grandparents when he was healthier, and now that they're older and tapped out, I guess it's my turn, and I want to stop it before it starts. :hs:
     

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