SRS Don't know........

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by accelerator, Jun 3, 2005.

  1. accelerator

    accelerator New Member

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    Right, I don't know where to start, not even if I'm making the right decision by posting here, but I guess I wanna give it a shot, for perhaps talking (even if via the internet) might help.

    Here's the deal: I'm a 20 year old gay bloke who is madly in love with one of his straight friends.

    Problem 1: I'm not "out" since I live in a country where coming out is simply NOT an option (plz don't ask me where I'm from or where I live, since that defeats the whole purpose of posting in relative anonymity and keeping one's personal info. off-limits).

    Problem 2: Since I'm not out, the above mentioned straight friend ain't got a clue that I love him. And, of'course, telling him that I love him is out of the question (and perhaps even pointless).

    We both go to the same Uni. I do all sorts of things for him 'cuz I love him and want to. He of'course thinks that I'm just being friendly.

    It hurts me alot when I see him checking this or that chic out. I've been miserable for a very long time now....so I decided it was best for me to end our friendship, since I just can't spend the rest of my life thinking about him and I don't think I can bear being around him anymore. And so, sometime back I stopped talking to him for any stupid reason I could think of. He of'course feels pissed off that I'd end our friendship for such a silly reason and doesn't give a rat's ass about me anymore. We haven't spoken or seen each other in a while.

    The problem is, I miss....I miss him like crazy. Now, I have two options in fronta me:

    1. I talk to him and mend things so we're friends once again...but then I go through the same misery and pain I've been going through.

    2. I stick to the decision I've made, which seems rational but is immensely painful, since at least with option 1, I can see him, talk to him, hang out with him. With this option, I have none of that.

    I guess I'm in a lose-lose situation. So, the question is, which loss is better for me to bear?
     
  2. Toasty

    Toasty Naked people have little or no influence on societ

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    Well, I've heard of this type of situation before and it's never pretty. Like you're in for a world of hurt of you can't put your feelings for him in the right place while you continue to see him. Like you said...there's no possibility for a relationship here if you know he's clearly straight.

    If you think you want him as a friend, you have to stop thinking of it as a Losing situation. As a wiser person once told me...since when is having a friend a loss? A friend is still a significant relationship in our lives... there are some who can't even forge relationships as far as that with anyone.

    If you can't handle it. Then I say let it be. You severed ties with him and you best let the time and distance erode the feelings you have (I hope there's distance and you're not hanging out in the same classes together). It will go away. Have faith in that.
     
  3. beanolo

    beanolo It does a body good!!!1

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    Honestly. Lets paint another scenario. What if the guy you were interested in, was gay as well, but didn't have feelings for you. What then? Would you break off all ties? Or would you accept that fact that he doesn't have feelings and continue being friends? Then you would be in the same situation, because this guy DOESN'T have feelings for you. And because of this, you don't want to be his friend. That's a bit childish don't you think? Sure if you can't get over the fact, then cut off ties, but to end a friendship because someone doesn't have feelings for you is a bit silly IMO. It's not a lose-lose situation.. sure you lose a chance to have a relationship, thats the loss, but you can "win" a friend with the other scenario..


    Friends are always taken for granted, as people think they have an abundance of friends. You can NEVER have too many friends. As time goes on, some of these so called "friends" will drop here and there when certain situations come up. Some will hurt you emotionally.... some will hurt you financially... in any case, over time you weed out your friends until you have a group of good ones. So in the meantime I would try to make as many as possible.
     
    Last edited: Jun 3, 2005
  4. teo

    teo . => ? => !

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    Eh?
    Tough situation. If a public coming-out is not an option, then you're going to have a rough road ahead with the constant denial of who you actually are. Are you sure you want to live your life this way? Have you considered moving to an area where alternative lifestyles are more widely accepted?

    As for the friend, if you trust him you could tell him the real reason you ended your friendship. Unfortunately, you run the risks of him rejecting you completely if he's homophobic and that he may tell others about your homosexuality. If you're not ready for either of those things, I'd recommend keeping the distance and leaving the friendship in the past. Time heals all wounds to some degree. :hug:

    You will also find good support for these kinds of issues in the The Closet, the gay/lesbian/metrosexual forum on this site. :)
     
  5. johan

    johan Active Member

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    You can't be friends with him. Your intense attraction will cause you grief because what you want isn't what he wants.

    Unless you think there's a chance he's gay and YOU simply don't know it. You seem convinced that he doesn't know you're gay, so I suppose the reverse could be possible also.

    Is there harm in coming out, just to him?
     
  6. civicmon

    civicmon got all my game from the streets of california.

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    I have a feeling I know what country you're in but I won't publically say which one it is because that's your wish... but either way, I can understand how uncomfortable you can be, esp. being interested in your straight friend. I get like that with my female friends, and I'm a guy...

    Being in a nation that's basically made it illegal to be gay makes it really difficult to even tell him you're gay aside from the fact that you love him.

    I can't help you - but we have a sub-forum here known as "The Closet" Post this in there (if you haven't already) and some of the crew in there should have some helpful advice.
     
  7. accelerator

    accelerator New Member

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    I doubt he's gay. He shows a keen interest in girls and it seems he's genuinely interested in them.

    About coming out to him or anyone else for that matter, as civicmon said, it's absolutely out of the question, not to mention dangerous.

    I guess your advice makes alot of sense. You're right. I am just too darned attracted to him to pursue a normal friendship with him. I guess I should continue on the path I've chosen, which is to end my friendship with him, but do you (or anyone else for that matter) have any remedy for the pain and sorrow that his absence causes? I know it's a silly question to ask, since I guess there is no remedy. But what do I do? I can't seem to move on. And seeing him every now and then doesn't help.

    Did I mention that not only do we attend the same Uni, but we also live quite close by? Yeah, that makes things even more difficult for me.
     
  8. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Care,for all is like a bonsai tree
    The situation is unbearable to continue like this. As a straight person i have had at least 6 encounters where people confessed to me they where gay and in love with me. And in each case in those days i would have loved to bash out their teeth, for a straight person it is an extremely embarrasing,painfull and very difficult to undertanding moment.

    Its quite possible he would react in a simular matter , and quite frankly it is best to avoid this. Therefore my advice would be to stop the friendship , and try to find some ways to keep your mind of these things. Put some more effort in spending time in your personal hobbies. Try to respect his preference for girls , and try to be cautious in expression your male orientated emotions in a country where you may can possibly be killed or bannished from your family for expressing tendencies towards other males.
     
  9. PhantomGT

    PhantomGT New Member

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    I understand that you say that gay people are not accepted in your country, but unless they literally sentence you to death or to jail or kill you, I wouldn’t worry about it.

    You live only once… do not regret this decision down the road.
     

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