Don't know where this is going? Slow moving relationship?

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by Nev, Aug 17, 2009.

  1. Nev

    Nev OT Supporter

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    Anyone ever been in relationship where you sort of don't really know where you stand? This girl and I have been talking since about march, which was recently after I broke up with my ex. I was a little shady with this girl and she wanted a relationship but didnt know if we were going anywhere (bc of how I was being flaky), so she backed off. A bit after that, I came to my senses, fixed stuff with her and we started dating relatively shortly after.

    We are together now, and have been since around the beginning of July, so about a month in a half. Shes 23, I'm 25. We have yet to even have sex, but part of that rides on the fact that we see each other maybe 2 days a week, and that is never really alone time. She's honestly also the type who normally waits a while and doesn't jump into things (I heard that from mutual friends before we even started dating).

    Beyond that though, there are just times where I'll invite her to stay over, etc and she'd rather just sleep at home because she's more comfortable (has stomach issues, IBS kinda stuff...very painful and frequent bathroom visits sometimes).

    I guess I'm kind of in one of those situations where I feel like I don't 100% KNOW that she wants to put as much into as I do. I've slyly mentioned similar things and she gets really upset (sad almost, not mad) just because I would even think that at all.

    I feel like perhaps I'm just being a bit insecure about it all because I just want it to work well. I've never really had a relationship that 'moved slowly' before and I think it's throwing me off and making me wonder things that I probably shouldnt even think twice about. I don't think moving slow is a bad thing necessarily, I'm just really not used to it at all. Any advice?
     
  2. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    I don't have any overall advice, but there is one small quibble I want to share.

    Rather than saying, "I feel like you're not really into this," ask her, "Are you into this?"

    Unless of course you're not man enough to be open and vulnerable and direct. :p
     
  3. Mitchj

    Mitchj OT Supporter

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    i would definitely ask her, no good can come of not. Its not like you're going to lose her if you do, if she avoids the issue id seriously think about what you are doing there.
     
  4. Nev

    Nev OT Supporter

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    I mean I've asked her. She says she wants to be with me and everything. I think just the fact of how slow it seems to be moving is eating at me. Partly makes me feel like she's not into me that much.
     
  5. Mitchj

    Mitchj OT Supporter

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    you will unfortunately have to suss that out yourself by her actions

    actions speak louder then words. Words lie, actions rarely do.
     
  6. Nev

    Nev OT Supporter

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    suss taht out?
     
  7. Mitchj

    Mitchj OT Supporter

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    we cant tell you if shes keen, i think deep down you know.
     
  8. chica&buddies

    chica&buddies Active Member

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    this.

    i agree wholeheartedly.

    :dunno: just because she waits to escalate a relationship to the sexual level doesn't mean that she's not into you. the only way you're going to figure out what's going on is by asking her. make sure her actions jive with her words. actions speak louder than words! i'm assuming [from your original post] that you're looking to spend more than 2x/week together. if you tell her this, and she fails to make a considerable effort to make more time for you, then it's possible that the two of you aren't looking for the same thing.
     
  9. Nev

    Nev OT Supporter

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    Oh, we can't because of work schedules to be honest. I work til midnight during the week and she has to get up at like 6am. When we're together it's fun, but it just seems like a lot of her excitement is gone. Also, we're both pretty unhappy with our jobs, etc soooo theres individual stress involved too.
     
  10. chica&buddies

    chica&buddies Active Member

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    pushing the job [and inevitable stress] issue aside, then we're back to issue #1, which imo, is sex. amirite? :rolleyes:

    if you want to escalate the relationship, and she's not interested [at the moment], you have one of two options: 1) wait until she's ready [apparently you knew this before getting into a relationship with her] 2) find someone else to date who is more sexually active in relationships.

    :dunno: for the record, i don't think 1-2 months is that long to wait. you see each other 1-2 times a week, and in the grand scheme of things, that's not a lot.

    why don't you focus on getting to know each other. you need to work on the excitement in the relationship. when you make someone happy/excited to see you, you've made them comfortable around you. this, in turn, can lead to the next level [ie: a more romantic relationship, including sex].
     
  11. Nev

    Nev OT Supporter

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    Sex isn't the issue, but moving slow in taht dept is different for m.e. I never said that was bad, just different and I have to adjust.

    The issue is the excitement thing. I want her to be excited like she was before. Things went from here basically begging me to come hang out to much more 'whatever'
     
  12. chica&buddies

    chica&buddies Active Member

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    you two need to address why those changes have occurred. is it the job stress?

    ask her and find out.
     
  13. Nev

    Nev OT Supporter

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    I have. She apologizes and says she didnt think she was acting like that :dunno:
     
  14. chica&buddies

    chica&buddies Active Member

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    :uh: don't make it seem like it is her. of course she's going to say that, even if she knows that she's behaving differently.

    you should've approached it differently. you should've made it seem as though the two of you lost your spark. this is obviously true if there isn't any excitement after being in a relationship after ~2 months.

    you need to tell her that you're interested in finding that spark again. do whatever got the two of you interested in one another in the beginning.

    if that doesn't work, maybe you're a "thrill of a chase" guy. what i mean is that she was looking to catch you, now she has, and she isn't interested in you anymore. :dunno: like i said, actions speak louder than words. she can tell you she's interested, but unless she makes you feel it, it's all just words.
     
  15. Nev

    Nev OT Supporter

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    Is there any way to increase or bring back a certain degree of desire in here that may have been lost? Because to be quite honest, I spend most of my free time with her, and it may seem like thats all i ahve going for me. Probably seem boring. I just want to get some excitement back in her part. I'm not even completely sure it's totally gone, but things have definitely change pretty dramatically in the aspect of just wanting to see me, etc.

    It used to be facebook postings every day, texts most of the day, her wanting to see me, getting 'miss your face' texted, her calling me more than me calling her, her being really excited and basicalyl begging me to come hang out or see me any chance she got. She used to have me come over and stay til like 12:30 even though she had to get up at 6...she used to purposely stay awake til 11pm just to be up to talk after I got off work.

    Most all of that doesnt happen anymore. I seem to be the one calling more, asking to hang out. Now when I work late she says "you can call but ill probably be sleeping'

    etc etc etc
     
  16. chica&buddies

    chica&buddies Active Member

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    only speaking for myself, but when i said things like that [in bold], i had begun to move on. don't take it the wrong way, though. besides that comment, there isn't any correlation between our situations.

    a girl is not going to make you happy. if she brings you your sole happiness, that right there is your issue.

    what exactly do you two do when you see each other? if it's the same thing day in and day out, i can see how that could get boring. change it up! do something exciting. surprise her!
     
  17. Nev

    Nev OT Supporter

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    Well, it's not that we do the same thing all the time because we don't. It's just more than I don't much outside of her anymore. I need to do some more of my own thing so its not so predictable and boring as in 'we both have time off = we hang out 100% of the time'. Attraction for girls works in weird ways and I understand that. I need to become more interesting again.
     
  18. Nev

    Nev OT Supporter

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    Eh, she's genuinely tired/exhausted though and I know that. Think it's too late to rebuild attraction?
     
  19. chica&buddies

    chica&buddies Active Member

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    you're seriously confusing me.

    let me see if i've got this straight... you want this girl to be more excited to see you, yet you understand that she's always tired/exhausted when spending time with you.

    call me crazy, but if i'm dating a guy i'm genuinely interested in, i would make time to hang out with him, tired or not. sure, schedules can be hard, but if you're willing to make it work, then it shouldn't be that out of the ordinary to find time to hang out together when both of you have some energy.

    have you not heard of the concept of planning dates? that's when you both take a look at your schedules and see if you can plan some time in advance for the two of you to hang out together.

    i like guys that have their own interests and lives outside of me. don't get me wrong, though. if i genuinely like a guy, i like spending time with them, even if it's only for a little while [for example, getting coffee].
     
  20. Nev

    Nev OT Supporter

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    Yes, youre getting confused a bit I think. Probably my fault.

    The tired/exhausted thing is during the week, when she wakes up at 6:30am and gets home at 7pm, dealing with 1-1.5hrs of rush hour traffic each way etc. I get home at midnight. There's not much time to hang out then.

    Occasionally on days when I get home at 7, I'll go over for a little, we'll get some ice cream, watch some TV or something, but she typically falls asleep. She would do this even when I felt the attraction was greater, but Id stay til midnight or so and she'd play games to try not to get me to leave.

    We do plan stuff, we do DO stuff. We have fun when we do it. I really think some attraction just needs to get rebuilt. I've been far too available to her if that makes sense.

    It's more the small stuff I notice that I mentioned earlier that sticks out. Texts/facebook stuff/whatever other crap that seems dumb but means a lot in certain ways. The extra "im thinking of you" stuff.
     
  21. Yail Bloor

    Yail Bloor OT Supporter

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    you are not in a romantic relationship with her

    like you said, you have been "talking"
     
  22. Viper

    Viper OT Supporter

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    1. Have you kissed or anything like that yet?
    2. Attraction is not "built."
    3. Communicate your intentions with her and ask her what her intentions are.
    4. If you aren't exclusive, I'd consider dating some other people. :dunno:
     
  23. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

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    1. talk to her about all this. only she can tell you whats really going on

    2. IBS (or whatever she actually has) could be putting a huge damper on her sex drive. even if she wants sex with you, the IBS might be making it more difficult for her. if you have only been officially dating for 1-2 months, she may not be telling you this.

    3. a stressful job+along commute home every day=completely exhaustion. this may be her reaction to stress. you need to figure out if you want to stay and help her through it, or if you want to go
     

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