SRS ...don't know if I should ever date again.

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by LT4Justin, Nov 4, 2007.

  1. LT4Justin

    LT4Justin New Member

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    Ok... This post is really long and rambling, but I just needed to get it out.


    I started my first serious relationship in late '98 my freshman year of college. During Christmas break I fell in love with a girl I went to high school with despite the fact that we were now going to colleges at opposite ends of the country. It was the kind of love where you think you're the only person in the world who's felt that way, and the relationship takes priority over everything else in your life.

    After our first fight I packed a bag, hopped in my car, and left at 2 a.m. to drive non-stop from Indiana to Arizona just to show her how much she meant to me. At the time I thought this was a grand romantic gesture, but looking back I think it was the first sign that I'm just not cut out for relationships.

    Eventually she transferred to Purdue where I was going to school, but the relationship went south and we eventually broke up in late 1999 (just over a year after we started going out).

    I was ok at first, but gradually started slipping into a severe depression over the next several months. I eventually flunked out of school and the depression continued to get worse. I went home for the summer and earned some money working at a factory, then moved back to Purdue at the beginning of the next school year (I had signed a lease on an apartment with 3 other friends prior to finding out I flunked out of school). I had a decent amount of money saved up from my summer job, so I was able to get by without working for some time.

    Things were bad. As soon as I would turn off the lights and lay in bed my mind would immediately turn to suicide. Being alone with my thoughts was literally unbearable. As a result I would stay up for 2-3 days at a time watching TV or hanging out all night at a 24 hour coffee shop bullshitting with whoever would listen. The goal of this was to keep my mind occupied until I was so tired that I would pass out IMMEDIATELY when my head hit the pillow. I don't think it's possible for someone to grasp this kind of pain unless they've spent an extended period of time on the brink of suicide.

    I still had money from summer job saved, and was basically just waiting for it to run out. At that point I probably had a little over a month left before I would run out of money. Life was bad enough when it didn't require any effort to continue going, so I sure as shit wasn't going to get a job just so I could prolong the pain. At the time I had an LT1 Camaro, my plan basically consisted of running the car up to around 140 mph and steering it in the general direction of a large solid object. On a particularly bad night I actually went out and picked the spot where I was going to kill myself.

    I hadn't been home to see my parents in several months. They had grown concerned that I hadn't gotten a job or done much of anything since I moved back down to Purdue and insisted I visit home to have a talk.

    My parent's house was about a 3 hour drive. I went home during a weekday and arrived at their house just before dinner. Over dinner they expressed their concern and I finally alluded to the fact that I was not doing well. They said they would schedule me a doctor's appointment. My response was something along the lines "yeah, that's fine. I'm gunna head back to Purdue, so just keep me posted".

    I hopped back in my car and left for Purdue shortly after dinner. I didn't know if I would ever be back again. I made it a couple miles down the road and was within sight of the on-ramp for the interstate when my Camaro died. The car was running perfectly fine, no sputtering, missing, hesitation, anything... then it just died and wouldn't restart. I believe it was a combination of divine intervention and the inferior design of GM's optispark distributor (a bearing in the opti seized up)

    At that point I was stranded at my parents house, which was probably the best thing that could've happened to me. They got me an appointment with my doctor the next day, who sent me to a shrink, and over the next couple years I was able to eventually get back to semi-normal.

    This brings us to present day. It's been close to 8 years since I've been in any kind of relationship or even had sex. I've learned to do ok being single and life is decent now. I've been avoiding relationships because I'm terrified of ever having to go through that again. I've actually come to accept the fact that there is a very high likelyhood that I'm going to die alone, as it's a small price to pay to avoid the kind of pain that followed my last relationship.

    I know the problem is 100% me and the fact that for whatever reason I'm just not wired right to deal with relationships. I also know it's possible I might even be ok now, but I just don't want to take that gamble.

    My reason for posting this is that all my friends have been harassing me about my perpetual singleness for a while, and I'll generally just make a joke about it or change the subject. I'm not in a big hurry to explain to my friends I'm a giant head case, but I needed to get it out somewhere and this forum offers quite a bit of anonymity.
     
  2. Durka Durka

    Durka Durka Guest

    i hear that.
     
  3. 04JETTA

    04JETTA OT Supporter

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    ^^ . good luck
     
  4. Durka Durka

    Durka Durka Guest

    think i might be with you there, too. as time goes on i'm becoming less concerned with how to deal with women and more concerned with how to not have to deal with them at all and just forget the whole dating thing. it's not fun anyway. :dunno:
     
  5. ///M Pilot

    ///M Pilot New Member

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    dating is overrated.
     
  6. Jay Pheezy

    Jay Pheezy New Member

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    I'm looking at some of these threads as my gf of 7 months just left me. I get that feeling when it's time for bed of aloneness. I don't know what to do about it and it just torments me until I can sleep. That period of laying down to falling asleep really sucks right now. Anyway, good luck to you. If you do decide to try again, just take it easy.
     
  7. keysmachine

    keysmachine New Member

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    you summed it all up in your first few sentences man.. you said in 98 you started your first serious relationship.. and then it ended a year later roughly.

    dude people break up and others grow apart. some grow closer that never knew they could. Its how life is.

    honestly the worst is over, your first heartbreak is essential to your social development. Breaking up only gets easier and easier until your like I am and just say.. "eh.. alright well we still on for this weekend? no? ok cool talk to you later"

    point is.. you need more experience in the dateing feild.. withdrawing from it will stunt your growth and you'll never be able to just cope with a breakup. that and how many women do you talk to or are friends with? i'm assumeing not many just by your post. change that, talk to attractive girls and make friends with them that way you can balance things out a little bit and get a inside perspective to how women work.
     
  8. LT4Justin

    LT4Justin New Member

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    The two key points you need to keep in mind:

    - Life is pretty decent for me right now. I've grown accustomed to being single and am ok with it. I would say that I'm happy with my life more often than not. I do get lonely from time to time, but it generally passes pretty quickly... and hell, I imagine even people in relationships will occasionally feel lonely.

    - I completely understand that breaking up is part of life. My break up wasn't particularly extraordinary in any way. It's the fact that I took such a typical break up so hard that scares me the most. I would honestly rather lose several fingers in an industrial accident than go through a depression like that again. If my next break up is only a little bit easier than my first one, it wouldn't be worth it.

    When you look at those points it's pretty easy to see that going into a relationship could very easily leave me much worse off than I am now.

    Most of my friends are married, and I'm probably about as close with my friend's wives as I am to my friends (They're actually the ones who are most vocal about me getting a girlfriend). As a matter of fact, I'm going on a cabin trip next weekend with 6 friends... 3 married couples and myself. I know that sounds kind of weird, but all of us have known each other for years and are all good enough friends that I generally don't feel like a 3rd wheel.

    My point is I hang out with women and view the dynamics of a healthy relationship pretty much every weekend.
     
  9. black jesus

    black jesus OT Supporter

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    I've been through a pretty similar timeline with the break-up, the sinlgeness, the suicide, and the lack of sexual activity. I go everywhere alone because 5 sets of friends are now married, and that never engenders positive thoughts for me. I haven't had a relationship in almost 8 years, but I think I've learned to not care so much about another person. I think its just how people are. They come, and they go...sometimes for shallow reasons. There's a healthy level of love for things and other people, and I won't ever put anything in front of myself again.
     
  10. bimmer318

    bimmer318 I'm out of applesauce

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    +1... Agree with you guys. I have these waves usually. Maybe once a month i get this urge to get with somebody, I try to approach girls, and spam dating sites or craigslist. The next week it passes and as always I see no action. I just pass the time by talking to my friends or posting on OT..

    Like somebody said about an overactive imagination, that's exactly what I have. I think too much, can't concentrate on my work sometimes. It's a viscious cycle. But in the end it gets better and I go to sleep feeling satisfied.
     
  11. kenlee

    kenlee New Member

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    Whats the deal with craigslist personals anyways? Is it just all spam mail and bot programs or are there real postings? Seems like this would be ideal for somebody who doesn't get out much.
     
  12. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    The operative word here....COULD. NOT WILL. And I agree, it could leave you much worse off....but then again it might not.

    One thing to realize is how long you put off seeking help. You had to be forced into it. Why not seek help sooner?? Depression is like many ailments, you can cure them quickly and easily if they are addressed sooner rather than later. The problem is....most people wait until they are desperate and it seems to take forever to get better.
    Yet you don't feel like you'll ever have a healthy relationship?? Or that you don't deserve one?? Bunk...you do. It's highly likely tho that you need to learn about how to be in one....and deal with the issues that come up when you're in one.

    Relationships bring out shit in all of us that we'd rather ignore....but that's not a bad thing. Think of these issues as things that need healing and just deal with them when they come up. YOu'll learn a lot aobut yourself.
     
  13. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    I'm not seeing the link between suicidal depression from 8 years in the past and dating in the present.

    It seems like you had a relationship and around the time that it ended, you fell and took a slide down a long depressive spiral. Are you saying that the suicidal depression was caused by the end of the relationship? I think it might have been two unfortunate events that only happened to coincide. I think maybe you had a depressive side that got triggered by the end of the relationship, but that does not mean the end of a relationship will leave you feeling suicidal.
     
  14. DiggityDogg

    DiggityDogg Guest

    LT4Justin...

    Bro, it sounds to me like you have no idea how to meet or attract women. It is difficult. I used to fail when I was a kid because I took advice from women and had no idea how to attract them or how Dating worked.

    No matter what women will say, the biggest factor in attracting them is Displaying High Value. They have to see you as an equal or as a superior in a social situation. If you are sucking up, kissing ass, letting shit slide by, ignoring rejections, throwing yourself at them, (driving 2000 miles over an arguement), etc you send them signals of Low Self Value. They are above you. You do crazy abnormal things to get them to like you. It's weak.

    I think you need to read The Mystery Method. Check out this site to start with:

    http://attraction-chronicles.blogspot.com/2005/09/mystery-method-1-outline.html
     
  15. bimmer318

    bimmer318 I'm out of applesauce

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    I think what LT4 justin is doing, is trying to say what's on his mind. Go out with your friends, stay social, go work out and do your thing. IMO reading junk like 'The Mystery Method' or 'the art of seduction' will not get you anywhere.

    I'm not going to recommend you anything, because you sound content with yourself. So I say keep on trucking man!!
     
  16. LT4Justin

    LT4Justin New Member

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    I think my main point is that when I sit down and do a risks vs. benefits analysis, it doesn't come up favorably for dating.

    That's actually a very valid point that I had never taken into consideration before. I know myself a lot better than I did 8 years ago and would notice fairly easily if I started slipping into a depression again... I never really factored that in before though. Thank you.

    It's more a question of if I really need one... it all goes back to the risks vs. benefits thing.
     
  17. BigBadJohn

    BigBadJohn Pay-back time OT Supporter

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    atleast you can get a girlfriend. Im too fucked up
     
  18. ia_cox

    ia_cox Active Member

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    good to hear I'm not the only guy feeling this way. Just got out of a month/half long relationship because i just couldn't deal with the bullshit anymore.
     

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