SRS Don't know how to sum this up in a title...

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by kilian, Aug 18, 2008.

  1. kilian

    kilian You've got quite a treasure there in that Horadric OT Supporter

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    background: grew up fat. 260lbs @ 5'11. Always intelligent, always made friends easily, great experiences in life, but just shrugged off relationships as something that wasn't an option for me.

    Ignored it, used food as a release from awkwardness or social insecurity I felt.

    Fast forward to freshman year of college I met a girl I really liked and she ended up telling me I was a great person but couldn't find me physically attractive.

    Fast forward even more and roughly a year and 8 months later I had lost 70 pounds and regained 20 of it in muscle. I'm currently 215 pounds and an active lifter and look great.

    In my mind I'm slowly realizing that my appearance is awesome and I'm an attractive individual, but I can't seem to understand how to go about experiencing or forcing myself to engage in dating and possibly relationships.

    I just seem to end up making great friends with girls...

    I understand this is hard to analyze and I don't even know why I'm writing this here, seeing as how I logically know I just need to put myself out there and express some confidence, but I don't know... just hoping someone has some insight to offer.
     
  2. jmezz

    jmezz layin in bed stretchin my pumped quads for hours

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    Sup broski.

    I went through the exact same thing except I was super skinny and then got attractive.

    I'm gonna get flamed for saying this, but going out to parties and drinking and interacting with all sorts of people got my confidence up like you wouldn't believe. It's to the point now where I get hit on at every single social function I attend.

    I used alcohol as a tool to better myself and my personality and it worked out perfect. I'd obviously recommend you to NOT follow this advice if you have no self control or have a super addictive personality, but if you know how to regulate then I'd say go out and lose some inhibitions.

    Honestly looking back on myself having no confidence, I don't think I could ever go back to that. You'll get to that point yourself and you'll see that people like you more when you are confident with yourself. (When you're confident, not super arrogant and overly cocky)

    Focus on your confidence and then the rest will fall into place.
     
  3. Viper

    Viper OT Supporter

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    You've laid your framework for self confindence on a foundation of sand. I for one know that your self-confidence is only on the surface because you've expressed numerous times in the vag your insecurities with your girlfriend.

    I don't say that to cut you down, but I wanted to show the threadstarter how your advice about using alcohol to boost your self-confidence is unreliable and kind of dangerous.

    You want to build your self-confidence? Then go out and force yourself to get what you want out of life. Become a success in everything you do by staring failure in the face and overcoming it. It's not easy, but it's worth it.
     
  4. jmezz

    jmezz layin in bed stretchin my pumped quads for hours

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    Wrong viper I'm a very confident person when meeting new people and starting relationships. It's when I would be seriously involved with them for a fair amount of time where my head would start fucking with me.

    And I'm not sure if you've read but I've gotten 100x better about my issues and my relationship has been nothing short of great.
     
  5. Japan Four

    Japan Four Guest

    just practice putting yourself out there. you have to realize that being social is being vulnerable in some ways and just take that chance. its all about practice.
     
  6. Viper

    Viper OT Supporter

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    Like I said, I'm not trying to cut you down.

    But using alcohol for a crutch? How can you seriously advise someone to do that? Why don't you tell him to start smoking, too, so he'll look cool?
     
  7. Mcgovlau

    Mcgovlau Лоз Боз

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    Don't rely on alcohol entirely to gain the confidence :/ it's all a matter of feeling comfortable with flirting and advancing relationships with girls. It's just one of those slow annoying processes. Yeah it'll be awkward at first, but the more you become comfortable, the easier it will be to develop relationships.
     
  8. ImNoSnowWhite

    ImNoSnowWhite New Member

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    i agree....and let your female friends help you. :)
     
  9. jmezz

    jmezz layin in bed stretchin my pumped quads for hours

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    I said use it as a 'tool.'
     
  10. jmezz

    jmezz layin in bed stretchin my pumped quads for hours

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    BTW you should start smoking too, so you'll look cool.
     
  11. eXyle

    eXyle ׂ

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    competence leads to confidence. the only way you're going to become competent is to get out there, expose yourself and try.

    you can read material on different types of approaches and "game" and just try them out. be the funny guy, mysterious guy, vulgar guy, whatever, just try different things. i always find it fun, playing a new "character" to see what kind of reaction it gets. eventually, you'll find an approach that suits you. continue to practice it and after a couple of successes, your confidence should rise, which should lead to even more success.

    think of it as a game, one where you can't lose. either you succeed or you realize the approach won't work, in any event, you still come away with something. heck, go out there and make a conscious effort to get rejected. just go up and ask a girl to reject you in the harshest way possible. there are too many women out there to concern yourself with the possibility that you blew it with one of them.

    also, becoming friends with a girl is not the end of the world. you can use her to meet new people, be they strangers or other people from her circle of friends. a lot of couples start out by meeting through a mutual aquintance/friend.

    point is, get out there, have fun, try, learn to enjoy/laugh off rejection and live your life. this is all about improving yourself.
     
  12. Viper

    Viper OT Supporter

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    tool ---> crutch
     
  13. jmezz

    jmezz layin in bed stretchin my pumped quads for hours

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    Wrong.

    I look at it the same way as people who use depression meds. Some of them out there need them as a crutch just to get by. Others out there use them as a tool to get through whatever they need to get through, then get off them and back to their normal life.
     
  14. Japan Four

    Japan Four Guest

    using beer as an excuse to socialize is a total crutch
     
  15. Viper

    Viper OT Supporter

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    Depression meds ----> crutch
     
  16. Alaya

    Alaya Active Member

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    As much as I despise the notion/word "friendzone," you're probably friendzoning yourself.

    [mind you, everything I'm about to say is a complete generalization, but fairly true most of the time]

    When you meet a girl there is a window of time that establishes whether she is a romantic interest to you, or buddies. It's generally not the case that people are friends for a significant period of time then one day start dating [sure it happens, but it's the exception not the rule].

    You're probably becoming 'friends' with these girls because that's what you're comfortable with and you're taking the path you knew growing up. If you want girls to see you in a romantic light, you have to establish that. You have to make your intent known.

    I think a lot of guys have problems with this because they "want to get to know the girl better" before they date her, but hell, remember, isn't that what the dating process is about?

    When you meet a girl you are interested in next, make it known: Ask her out, flirt with her... examine the dynamic of your relationships with girls that are friends, and how you got to the point. DON'T do that anymore when you meet a potential interest.

    This happens for several reasons when you try to be "friends" first "date later" when it's someone you've recently met:
    1) Female egos. Girls will send out subtle signs that they are interested in you, if you're not catching on to them, I guarantee most girls are bitching to their friends "OMG WHY WON'T HE JUST ASK ME OUT, WHY WON'T HE JUST KISS ME" blah blah blah. Maybe you'll get lucky and meet a super assertive girl. After "x" amount of time passes, it's different for each girl, she's going to "get over it" and place you into a "just friends" category to preserve her ego. When you finally get around to asking her out - after you've sufficiently "gotten to know her," or what not... it probably is too late. Remember, it's just dating - it's not like she's your GF or you're going to marry her. Try to get to know girls you're interested in in a dating context.
    2) You let yourself be her shoulder to cry on/complain/emotional tampon BEFORE you are dating. I'm NOT saying guys shouldn't be there for their friends, girls or otherwise, or their GFs - what I'm saying is, save that for your girls that are established friends, or when you are dating. Don't let yourself become her 'go to' guy right off the bat.
    3) She's just not interested. Plain and simple, shit happens, nothing you can do.


    Honestly, once you get over the awkwardness of the initial dating game, when you meet the right person engaging in a relationship/taking that step isn't hard. Everything just sorta falls into place, feels and progresses naturally.


    :hsd:
     
  17. mrflicharger

    mrflicharger Put your lips on it

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    :nono::nono::nono: NEVER get into friendzone...It especially doesn't help in ur situation. Go out with other male friends and find girls. The way you feel about yourself you can change.

    Whether I am 180lbs or when I was 300lbs, never had a problems with the ladies, I carried myself with confidence and dressed well, and the ladies picked up on that. Work on your confidence and your self-esteem, and you can get the ladies in no time.

    NO FRIENDZONE. EVER. EVER.
     
  18. Ideotique

    Ideotique Drinking on monday nights does not make me an alco

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    Hey mate

    did the same thing as you and there are two things you need

    Confidence, which it sounds like you have. Go into a crowded room by yourself and own it.

    Be assertive. Don't wait for the golden opportunity to walk up to you, go out looking for it

    sounds cliched and everthing, but as I said, it's what I did. Really two simple mental decisions to make.

    And remember, everyone gets shot down.

    Edit. And I do this on maybe 2-3 beers, if any, most times. Occasioanlly have a few more if it's a big night but it is not something that's needed. if you rely on it then you don't have the initial confidence in yourself to chase what you want
     
  19. giz

    giz Active Member

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    it's actually healthy and beneficial to make friends with women. why would you think otherwise?

    you say women come to you because you carry yourself well. you think they don't notice that you can't interact with a woman on a friends-only level? they do.
     
  20. Viper

    Viper OT Supporter

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    There's a difference between "making friends with women" and "friendzoning" yourself.

    I think this is why there's a lot of confusing because people don't realize that "friendzone" means:

    A man who LIKES a woman, but for whatever reason did not convey that to her early on thinking that if he became her friend first he would have a better chance with her. So, by the time he's ready to tell her that he likes her, she's already classified him as "just a friend". So HE wants a relationship and has feelings for her, and SHE doesn't, making HIM feel tense, frustrated, and angry.

    HE is actually NOT her friend. He wants more. And for that reason a situation like this can never work.

    On the other hand, it IS beneficial to make friends with women, but only if it's with a woman you do not have "relationshippy" feelings with. If you can be strictly plutonic and not be harboring feelings for her, it's GREAT to have girls who are friends.
     
  21. giz

    giz Active Member

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    agree 100%
     
  22. HatSee

    HatSee Active Member

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    If you break your leg you'll probably be wanting those crutches.

    Yes it's not the best tool to use, alcohol, but the point was made of going out to parties etc and drinking. So while going out and having a good time he was socializing, it's not like he sat in the basement and drank alone.
     
  23. 7960

    7960 New Member

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    yep

    confident people weren't always confident. it's something that takes practice................ you will fuck up and be awkward and fumble and feel like an ass for a while. if you don't care, and keep at it, eventually it'll get easier and easier.
     
  24. kilian

    kilian You've got quite a treasure there in that Horadric OT Supporter

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    totally forgot about this... thanks everybody... going to work on all suggestions
     

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