LGBT Domestic Violence Hits Home

Discussion in 'Lifestyle' started by MapleLeaf, Oct 20, 2006.

  1. MapleLeaf

    MapleLeaf New Member

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    I am posting this as it is not something that is talked about much in society today. We tend to keep things behind closed doors for fear of looking weak, like a fool or just plain stupid. Hopefully I can help reverse that thinking.

    For a while I have been involved in an on-again, off-again relationship with another male. The majority of times things went but from time to time, a different side of him showed up when challenged about something. A request for his office phone number drew an incredible stubbornness; at times I wondered about the disconnect about what he said was true and his actions (i.e. claiming to be financially well-off but had no credit card, shopped at discount stores and frequently left his ATM card when it came time to buy groceries etc.) On their own they meant nothing, but looking back at the whole picture, they speak volumes.

    As I am moving soon and giving up my residence, he wanted to take it over (I have a very sweet deal on a duplex located right at the lake)… not a problem. For the 2 month gap from when he was to be out of his place, to when I would be leaving, it made sense for him to share my place and split costs. We did have separate bedrooms if you are wondering.

    On Oct 1 I asked for his half of the expenses; I was asked to wait because his pay day was a few days in the future. Ok. Come mid-month still no cash and requests were met with incredible stubbornness, rude comments and statement’s that he would not pay me anything. Apparently because I may need his financial help in the future, it is fair he not pay now. Nope. Apparently because I can afford all the bills myself, he did not need to pay anything. Nope. No matter what was said to him, my words hit a brick wall. (And he could not understand how I viewed it as me supporting him if he didn’t pay anything – to him it was not).

    Fast forward a few days. In consultation with a lawyer, my landlord and some friends, it was apparent the situation needed to be resolved and he needed to leave my home. We attempted to have get him to leave and to change the locks – he refused to go; in fact he wanted the police called. Not a problem, police requested.

    When they attended shortly after the call, they understood the situation and went to talk to him. This individual claimed that he did not owe me any $$ because a) I was ripping him off with the rent and in fact I should be charged with fraud; b) I was holding him against his will (forcible confinement); and, c) I was physically and sexually assaulting him. No surprise the complaint is heard by the police and off to the station he goes to give a formal statement to the detectives.

    A couple of conversations with the police tell them they understand what is happening but the law is specific, they have to take the complaint. What is really bizarre is they tell me that I have no legal right to remove him as he is a tenant (nope, my lease, not his) and he claimed to be my domestic partner. Suddenly the issue is a domestic issue, not a roommate who won’t leave. In fact the police drive him back to the house and only caution me not to aggravate him and to call 911 if he acts up.

    In front of witnesses he states that it is his intention to cause me as much shit as he can and to stop my progression towards ordination.

    Despite this, the police say he can live in my home. To state the tension was high is an understatement.

    More calls to lawyers, landlord and rental tribunal – everyone is unanimous, the police screwed up badly. They returned to my home someone who has threatened me, made false accusations against me and indicated it is his purpose to cause me shit in the future. With the police unable to get involved as they should, the only option was for me to leave. The police even suggested the best thing was for one of us to move out of the home, my home.

    So over a 48 hr period of time I arrange for friends to help me move, I arrange a moving van, line up a temporary home for the cat and line up permanent accommodation for me to finish my semester. To avoid a papertrail everything was arranged online and using a cell phone. The day before the move was to take place (he knew nothing of the move… telling him was thought to be too unpredictable), the postal service delivered a confirmation of change of address card to the house – he got it. Thankfully it didn’t have where I was going.

    That night he glared at me as he passed me on the street only to return later I think with someone else (I heard multiple voices). I was so tense and felt so threatened that I slept with my door barricaded and with a hammer next to my bed.

    Finally the morning arrives and he leaves for week. Friends descend and 5 hrs later my life is in boxes (now in storage) and I am gone. With me is the phone service, the internet and furniture. No when he returned to the house that evening he would have been furious and in shock.

    Now I am slowly processing what happened and in the process of regaining a sense of self control about my life. In will re-establish myself in a new place, the address of which is only known by a few people, my phone number has been changed and I am unable to go to my church as he goes there and we have no idea what, if anything he will try.

    What won’t re-establish so quickly is my sense of trust in other people. Never before in my life have I felt so threatened, so powerless and so vulnerable. I vacillated between wanting to throw-up, have a nervous breakdown, cry uncontrollable and questioning why all this was happening. Apart from “throwing up”, the feelings have not really left me.

    Domestic violence does not have to be physical, emotional can be just as damaging and violent as if punches had of been thrown. It is my hope and prayer that no-one else ever goes through this in their life. Realistically I know that won’t happen… but I can hope can’t I?
     
  2. RedGoober4Life

    RedGoober4Life New Member

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    :) I'm glad you are making it through this with your head fully intact. We need smart people like you in the world.
     
  3. Diesel Freak

    Diesel Freak ♂♂ Closet Crew OT Supporter

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    Wow, that's quite a strange situation you found yourself in. I think you did the right thing by moving out and taking everything with you. Are you going to sell the house out from under him?
     
  4. spiffy_badrock

    spiffy_badrock I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you.

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    Im sorry :( I dont know what to say.
     
  5. RyRy

    RyRy Active Member

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    Wow, I'm sorry :wtf: :wtc: :hug:
     
  6. Carrots

    Carrots New Member

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    :( Good luck, Mapleleaf. I'm glad you made it through that physically unhurt, at least.
     
  7. XPX

    XPX New Member

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    Bah...if I told you guys what I went through with my dad's ex-wife (his 3rd wife) you guys would laugh and maybe cry...

    ML: Be strong, be the bigger person and never let anyone harm you in any way. It's good you have clarity to do what's good.
     
  8. ManyHamsters

    ManyHamsters There are necessary pursuits... but poetry, beauty

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    That pisses me the hell off! Sell the house while he's still in it.
     
  9. RedVsBlue

    RedVsBlue Penguins > *

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    Another reality apparently
    Next time he hears from you needs to be in a summons to small claims court...get they money that bastard owes you.
     
  10. Sam Gamgee

    Sam Gamgee Every tool is a weapon if you hold it right. OT Supporter

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    Good luck gaining your trust in other people.

    I know what it can be like to think you know someone and only to realize that they've been lying to you and leading you on for months. it's hard to trust people again, and you feel horrible about yourself... wondering how you could be such a bad judge of character... and angry and yourself for being so trusting.

    But, you will soon forgive yourself. And karma is a bitch. What goes around definitely comes around...

    Good luck rebuilding. I hope your future is bright.
     
  11. CoCo

    CoCo ...is a Queer Don!! OT Supporter

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    Please don't let his misguided heart corrupt yours. Your actions show that you are bigger person. Please don't loose faith in people.
     
  12. MapleLeaf

    MapleLeaf New Member

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    Hi guys,

    Thanks for the supportive comments.

    Today I went to my storage unit to load up some clothes etc., as tomorrow I go to my new place to live. You cannot imagine the sadness that overcame seeing my life reduced to a pile of "stuff" - furniture on the bottom, boxes on top. Probably the only thing that could have made me feel even less significant would have been opening the door to the storage unit and seeing nothing there... fuck.

    Two quick comments about what has been said above.

    1) The house won't be sold as it is a rental. Considering I was only in Toronto for school I didn't buy. The landlord knows all about this and in our correspondence is looking to get him out sooner rather than later. In fact since I have paid for the house until the end of Nov, if he does get my ex-roommate out early, I can move back to the house and live until then. Right now I don't know if I even want to see the place, but who knows...

    2) A couple of people have commented to me at least I wasn't physically hurt. In some respects I wish that had of happened - the physical bruises etc. will heal long before my emotional and spiritual bruises. People also understand physical abuse but tend to discount emotional (verbal etc.) as it isn't hurtful.

    On a positive note I have gone from feeling guilty about leaving without comment and taking everything with me, to being angry.

    Time heals all wounds I guess... just got to wait for time to pass.
     
  13. tony

    tony Guest

    here is a :hug: to help you :wiggle:
     
  14. Sam Gamgee

    Sam Gamgee Every tool is a weapon if you hold it right. OT Supporter

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    On a side note, Mapleleaf, I met Rev. Gene Robinson tonight.

    Amazing man...
     
  15. Carrots

    Carrots New Member

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    You have a right to be angry.

    Please don't assume that people won't understand what has happened, just becuase it was emotional abuse, not physical. You are very right about people keeping things behind closed doors. Nobody talks because we all like to pretend that we're all somehow emotionally invincible- that abuse doesn't really hurt. I think that if you talk to people, not only will many people understand, some will relate.

    Do you have non-moving things that you can do right now, to take your mind off of the current situation? Is there a different church that you can go to?

    *hugs*
     

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