Doing all the legwork

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by knucks, Jan 16, 2009.

  1. knucks

    knucks Active Member

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    I'm not really a fan, but anyways:

    I like this girl. We've kept in touch / seen each other for the past ~ month.
    I told her I liked her on Wednesday, she told me she likes me too.
    I always am the one to text or call her to make plans. I was worried about it for a while since I was still hesitant of her thinking I was needy/desperate.
    I ended up speaking with a mutual friend, she told me "That's just Molly. It takes her a while to warm up."

    We have a good time together, I can tell physically she likes me as well. She is kind of shy and reserved, I always feel the need to ask "What is going on in that head of yours?" but I hold back. She just lays there in my arms, or we catch each others eyes and just look at each other and smile, but no words are exchanged.

    I'm one of those people to feel like I can just say "Hey, what's up?" any time of the day just because. She doesn't seem like that type...

    Basically any time I've asked her to hang out, we have. She's never went back on plans or anything. She told me she's really bad at deciding what to do, so I should suggest things for us to do.

    I guess I'd be happier if she contacted me, just because I get satisfaction when a girls makes the effort, but I know that many girls like guys to do everything, and she seems like the type.

    I am worried that I'll turn her off by being too needy, hence I'm kinda at a loss what to do:
    I keep thinking that if I don't contact her and wait, she'll think I lost interest, but I think this is false. (?)

    If I constantly contact her, she'll be turned off. (?)

    So, what do I do? As it currently stands coming into the weekend, I saw her on Wednesday, texted her last night. There's a party tomorrow @ the mutual friends' that she'll be at most likely...do I do my own thing and see if she contacts me/I run into her tomorrow at the party?

    After 3-4 dates is where I fuck up with women...:hsd:
     
  2. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    LOL congrats, you now know what it's like to date a dude. You never know what the fuck they are thinking, feeling and you start to constantly question how they feel about you. Based off everything you've posted in the past I can tell you tend to get a bruised ego if the girl is not the one chasing you, I'm torn between thinking this kind of girl is a good thing for you because I fear you will come off needy or insecure always wondering how she feels...or maybe you will learn to chill out and go with the flow :dunno:
     
  3. Abomb

    Abomb New Member

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    sounds like she has low interest?
     
  4. knucks

    knucks Active Member

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    That's exactly how I feel about it.
    I'm not terribly concerned about a bruised ego at this point as I have 2 other girls I can hang out with, but I'm really digging this one...
    Sucks when the one you really like is difficult :hs:
     
  5. knucks

    knucks Active Member

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    :dunno:

    This reminds me of an ex of mine who almost never was the one to make the initial contact, and that relationship lasted for 2yrs..
     
  6. Abomb

    Abomb New Member

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    I dont know you would have to be the judge. usually its a sign of low interest
     
  7. ForgottenSpiral

    ForgottenSpiral Hope and Irony OT Supporter

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    You should decide now if that is important to you. Because in my experience, she won't "warm up". That's how she is. If you want someone to show the kind of interest that you are showing her, then you are chasing the wrong girl.
     
  8. babar

    babar Active Member

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    this sounds exactly how my sister acted. my sister liked this guy she was seeing but she never, and i do mean never contacted him to make plans, because she is always worried that she would seem needy/bothersome to him. (she is nuts) anyways, she didn't understand why she was being only a friday, saturday girl, why it wasn't progressing. i told her because she never contacts him, so he's probably losing interest in you.

    point it. she could very well be one of those girls that just can't feel comfortable making the effort. she probably does indeed like you, but if its bothering you to always having to be the initiator, then maybe you should express ur feelings about it towards her.
     
  9. Yail Bloor

    Yail Bloor OT Supporter

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    are you banging this broad?
     
  10. NuShooz

    NuShooz OT Supporter

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    so is your only problem with her the fact that she doesn't contact you at all?

    I really haven't come across a girl that took the initiative in the beginning. I always planned at least the first 5 dates before the girl felt more comfortable deciding what to do on dates or calling me without having to call her first.

    If you say she's shy and reserved, then maybe it's just her personality. The big plus that I see is that she has never went back on plans with you ever. That's definitely a sign of interest. I think it's just her personality, which begs the bigger question, is that the type of person you wanna date?
     
  11. giz

    giz Active Member

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    Thirded. The interest is there, but low.
     
  12. D7

    D7 OT Supporter

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    In for 4

    Sounds like my ex. He was always along for the ride but didn't take the initiative.
     
  13. knucks

    knucks Active Member

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    It really does bother me, I don't know how much longer I can put up with it.
    And no, I'm not having sex with her either. We haven't done anything except made out.

    Anyways, she said that maybe we'd get together last night. I was walking home from a hockey game and was passing by her house, so I stopped by. She was surprised I came by and seemed pleasantly surprised.

    The interest is there, I mean, she tells her friends about me..for instance, her roomates asked me about bike polo which I told her about the previous time we saw each other.

    She asked me if I was going to go to the mutual friends' party tonight, I told her if a buddy of mine comes along, she told me "Well, I'll be there, you should stop by"

    In essence, she shows interest, but very vaguely and rarely.
    I want to tell her how I feel about it. I like her, but damn, it's not worth THIS much effort..
     
  14. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    Then forget about her. You've given her a month of your time, and she still plays the "maybe" games.

    Move on, your time can be spent with better women.

    All that will happen if you keep this up is more and more frustration. You can't spend your time waiting on a girl who "might" hang out. You'll spend half that time frustrated at home waiting on her, and she'll never show.

    Oh, and don't tell her about it. She knows what she is doing. Just stop wasting any more time on her. She's a big girl, if she can't figure out why you stop hanging out with her, that's her issue.
     
  15. runawaycamel

    runawaycamel New Member

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    Give her a lil' more time I say (if you really do like her). Some girls are just like that. If it drags on for too long, though, (like another month) I'd say stop trying and see if she comes to you. If she doesn't then she must have not been interested enough. If she does then your problem is on it's way to being solved. If you don't like being the one doing all the work all the time and she doesn't come around then you guys weren't compatible, anyways.

    Also...maybe you said this and I missed it, but how often do you contact her? If it's only like...once or twice a week then ya, I'd be annoyed with her lack of contact. But if you're calling her like everyday wanting to hang out then you're not really giving her any room to make a move.
     
  16. knucks

    knucks Active Member

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    I've basically told myself I'm done with her as far as contact goes. (I'm going to try to force myself to abide by this...)

    I'll probably end up seeing her at the party tonight, but besides that, I just can't do this anymore..
     
  17. Abomb

    Abomb New Member

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    Just find a new girl who actually shows real quantifiable interest in you, knucks.
     
  18. JamesL

    JamesL wat

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    :werd: to everything.

    This is EXACTLY how my sister is (and she is also nuts)... She never contacts guys, always lets them make the moves, phone calls, plans etc.

    She would tell me that she thinks guys are the ones who should call the girls, not the other way around.


    Regardless... this girl may just be "one of those" broads. :dunno:
     
  19. JamesL

    JamesL wat

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    Dude... it sounds like she is plenty interested. She just is one of those girls who expects you to do the legwork.

    If you have a real problem with that, then don't pursue her. If not, Id say keep at it.
     
  20. Yail Bloor

    Yail Bloor OT Supporter

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    as always, you are too available
     
  21. ww_Crimson

    ww_Crimson New Member

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    I think it's just the type of girl she is. I know two girls who sound very similar to this one and they are both quiet, shy, reserved, 20+ virgin girls. One drinks here and there but never sloppy drunk. You ask them what they're thinking and they say "I don't know" etc. I've never tried dating either of them but ultimately I think I would be too stressed out over them never giving and always taking in the relationship.
     
  22. antihero

    antihero OT Supporter

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    you are probably, or at least should be, having sex soon. see if that improves the situation.
     
  23. Two toys

    Two toys New Member

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    dude i could have written that myself literally every word...

    as far as what i'm doing in the situation, i'm just continuing to make the plans, she always agrees readily and happily to them.
     
  24. evh

    evh Active Member

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    you are too available dude.

    it's really not that hard to not contact someone. just don't do it.

    my ex gf was the same way. she would rarely be the one to contact me first. if i didn't call her, there would be points where 3-4 days would go by without a phone call, IM, anything. really pissed me off. i later came to the conclusion that she has BPD (borderline personality disorder) as she fits every symptom to the tee. this is beside the point, but maybe your girl has a personality disorder as well. it's not normal to shun yourself away from the people you like.

    if i could go back to that relationship knowing what i know, i would have definitely not been bothered by it. i would have just not given in and if it got to a point where things were utterly ridiculous, i would have just broken it off. being involved in a relationship where you are treated unfairly from a result of someone's selfishness is just bullshit. there is no reason to be the subject to that. although, some guys (i guess myself included) like it when once a while the girl is in charge. sounds kind of weird, i know, but it is nice once in a while when the girl is changing things up and making you guess. the point is ONCE IN A WHILE. not all the time, like what i was experiencing and what you are now going through. what happens is that you fall into this pattern of "being taken care of"... what i mean by that is you're always waiting on the girl, not the other way around. eventually you feel like a faggot for being the one to ALWAYS call first, to ALWAYS make plans, to ALWAYS say "hey do you have any plans tonight". it's a vicious cycle and when you fall into it you give up all of your power.

    after that relationship, i made a promise to myself to never be the one to constantly have to initiate contact. if it does come down to that, then the conclusion i make is this girl is not worthy of my time because i'm apparently not worthy of hers. i don't give a fuck if "that's the way she is", because what that is really saying is "that's the way she is WITH YOU". it's utter bullshit and no guy (or girl if the situation was reversed) should be the subject to that. like i said before, a relationship between a guy and a girl is the understanding that you're both equal to each other. not dependent of each other, not in constant need of each other, but that you both have a liking for each other and this is understood between the two of you. of course, keeping things fun is essential to keeping the chemistry going, but you should know the difference between what "keeping things fun" are and what "utter bullshit" is... you then have to ask yourself, "what are her actions really saying when she doesn't call me for days on end?" it doesn't take a genius to figure this one out.

    if i were you knucks, i would just go out and have fun and wait for her to call you. maybe send her a message in 4-5 days and say that you're going out of town for a few days or something. it may or not be true, but that's not the point. the point is to see how she reacts. i know it sounds unfair by being sneaky, but you have to realize that she is being unfair to you by putting you through this mind game guessing bullshit. if she jumps for joy and gets all excited and says "i wanna see you!" then go see her and fuck her brains out. don't call her for the next few days and when she calls you to see how your trip is going just say you cancelled it. if she's anything like the type of girl i think she is, she will most likely get surprised you didn't call her because you weren't on the trip, and it'll result in her calling you more to gain your attention. i personally hate this dumb game bull shit, but it sounds to me like this girl is the kind of girl that plays that way. you SHOULD avoid it, but you already haven't, so play the hand you were dealt, right?

    if you don't want to take that route, that's fine. by all means don't, however what you can't do is contact her. you'll fallen into a pattern of it already and you'll eventually give up all of your power in the relationship. you'll wind up being the bitch, and when whatever you have with her does end, you'll be completely shattered. DO NOT put yourself in that position. please don't man, it fucking sucks.

    i wrote this shit real quick so it might be a little hard to follow, but good luck with everything and to sum everything up you essentially have 2 options:

    1. call her up and say you're going out of town thing
    2. avoid her completely until she calls you.

    i hope you see the problem with #2, though. it's dumb and not worth your time. you'll probably wind up waiting by the phone which is exactly what you shouldn't do. continue on with your life, hit the gym, hit up some bars, chill with your bros and don't be a bitch if you choose #2. not to mention, i've always found that when choosing an option like #2 there's always a degree of awkwardness within yourself because you know you intentionally made the conscious decision not to call her.

    be careful bro and good luck.
     
  25. Diesel66

    Diesel66 My standards for women is like rent-a-centers stan OT Supporter

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    Seriously, I love the random messages. This one girl emailed me before work, that was a nice thing to wake up to.

    didn't work out but it showed she was into me or at least thinking about me
     

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