Doesn't "I have a boyfriend" = Rejection?

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by Elphaba, Oct 30, 2007.

  1. Elphaba

    Elphaba New Member

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    I just wanted to get the Vag’s perspective on this one, it intrigued me. It’s not a ‘real life’ situation but I think it makes a good point (sorry that it’s a long post)….

    Background: So, I’m in a Human Resources Management class, and a few weeks ago our prof gave us some workplace harassment scenarios for homework. We had to read the scenarios, jot down notes about how the situation should be handled from an HR perspective so we could discuss them in class. Once in class, he split us into group and assigned each group a scenario to discuss. It’s not the scenario I’m really concerned with, but one of my classmates’ reaction/comments, but I thought I'd include it for reference.

    The scenario my group got went like this (this isn’t the full text, these are just cliffs from what I can remember, I cant find the actual sheet at the moment):

    --- Business hires a contractor to do some work. Contractor visits office, hits on Secretary, and asks her on a date. She says, “I’m sorry, I have a boyfriend.” Later that week Contractor sees Secretary with her friends at Local Bar. Contractor sends her a drink, and then goes over to talk to her while she’s drinking said drink. Contractor says, “I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable the other day.” They talk for a few, then he leaves. Next week, Contractor visits Business much more than is probably needed, always stops to talk and flirt w/ Secretary. Secretary gets uncomfortable with these interactions, goes to talk to her HR Manager. ---

    My discussion group included two other girls, a guy and me.

    Part of our discussion goes something like this:

    FemaleGroupMember1: He’s harassing her; the HR Manager needs to do something

    MaleGroupMember: But she never said “No” to his advances, and she accepted the drink.

    FemaleGroupMember2: Yes she did, she said, “I’m sorry, I have a boyfriend”

    MaleGroupMember: Right, but that doesn’t really mean “No”, and could imply that “If I didn’t have a boyfriend, I would go out with you”

    Me and the other 2 females: Ohhhhhhh, really? (We all looked a little astonished and you could see the light bulbs going off over our heads)

    End Story.

    So, my question to the Vag (especially the guys in here) is, is this guy right? Does he have a point? Does “I have a boyfriend” not always = a rejection? Why?
     
  2. Stev

    Stev Active Member

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    Girls saying that usually is their way of saying No, without them feeling 'mean' and saying no.

    But I guess i could see some girls would say that because they are in the workplace and people are around so they give the direct answer of their honest situation. And if she accepted the drink, doesnt mean anything other than she wants a free drink. But i dont think i would ever take "i have a boyfriend" as anything other than a No, just not worth it.
     
  3. Bruticus

    Bruticus half dead OT Supporter

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    I tend to back off if I hear that, but some of my guy friends don't care and keep on going. They often get past it too, whether it was a lie or not.

    So to me it doesn't necessarily mean no.
     
  4. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    "No, I have a boyfriend" is my go-to excuse. Why? Because I have a boyfriend and am not interested. I know the men will most likely run in here to say that is misleading and that they "can take it" if you are just honest with them and say "no, I'm not interested." But we've had a lot of men themselves come in the Vag and say that is one of the hardest things to hear straight up.

    In that situation where even though she's just a secretary she doesn't want to create unnecessary stress and tension to her job whenever this contractor comes in, so I think it's an obviously good choice.
     
  5. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    Yes it's a rejection. As beer said, it's usually a polite rejection because it hurts the guys feelings less than "you're not my type."

    Sometimes it's true, sometimes it's a lie.

    And sometimes it's an automatic response designed to test the guy, like a bitch shield. And then you go into boyfriend destroyers if you're a PUA.

    And it also doesn't mean she won't sleep with you.


    Under normal circumstances, the answer to your original question is yes, it is a rejection.
     
  6. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    Ugh, just once I was hoping the whole "it's a shit test from girls" thing wouldn't come up.
     
  7. Omerta6

    Omerta6 New Member

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    No straight forward answer, very situational.
     
  8. KindlyCuddly

    KindlyCuddly Irina Lazareanu

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    How can "sorry, I have a boyfriend" be anything but rejection? And isn't rejection assumed unless the answer is in the affirmative (I'm not talking PUA type situations, but consent relevant to workforce harrassment?)
     
  9. Dreams2Reality

    Dreams2Reality saywhat

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    :werd: Totally agree.. I've had that go both ways.
     
  10. jazzmoney

    jazzmoney New Member

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    I personally think it's a rejection, but not all <strike>men</strike> people communicate with the same ground level understanding. Also, different people react differently to commitments. Having a boyfriend may not mean that you're in a committed relationship. It also may mean, that he feels safer to flirt with you because that's all it can be. Accepting the free drink sent a mixed signal.
    Everyone is different. If you're going to send a message, it needs to be clear and concise without worrying about hurting someone's feeling. Because as this scenario might show, it ends up affecting even more people.
    Cliff: Mixed messages = Bad. Clear Message = Good.
     
  11. jared_IRL

    jared_IRL OT Supporter

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    There's a saying amoungst my friends and I:


    Yes. It's a rejection. Whether or not she's lying has nothing to do with the discussion.

    I have a boyfriend = you're not it.
     
  12. Emfuser

    Emfuser Nuclear Moderator Super Moderator

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    Ok, let's look at this from a flat rational perspective.

    "I'm sorry, I have a boyfriend" = implicit rejection
    "I'm sorry, but I am not interested in dating you" = explicit rejection

    The implicit case bears the subjective implication that, because the woman has a boyfriend, that she is not available. Thus, you have some people who have demonstrated in the thread that her response, which requires interpretation, can indeed be interpreted more than one way. The explicit case removes all subjectivity and makes it clear that she is saying no.

    The appropriate action for the woman to take, in order to make her rejection clear, is to explicitly state her disinterest in the man. Some times our desire to be polite can cause us to make vague statements, which is what you have in this case.

    Remember folks, common sense isn't common.
     
  13. NCS

    NCS Active Member

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    "I'm sorry, I have a boyfriend" = implicit rejection
    "I'm sorry, but I am not interested in dating you" = explicit rejection

    AND

    "I have a boyfriend" = shit test, game is still on. Jared_IRL, while i tend to see your point of view, very often women with a bf will feel attraction to you, feel strange about it, and mention the bf -- and the game is still on if you blow through this test.

    The part of the rejection isnt hte bf comment. The part is the "I'm sorry" = "no".

    The woman SHOULD have made it more explicit, but is not in the wrong.

    The man sending over the drink was OK, and talking a few minutes in the bar was OK.

    Him continuing to flirt excessively is borderline, and requires a real rejection.


    Women really need to learn how to communicate with a man (and vice versa). We always state things in the simplest , most direct ways that convey 100% of the essential information. When a man hears "I'm sorry, I have a boyfriend", the whole sentence is read through the filter that every bit of info is vital. We will interpret it as "since she put in the 'i have a boyfriend' this is extra information necessary to understand the whole message. therefore, she may like me but is not in the moral position to do anything about it"
     
    Last edited: Oct 30, 2007
  14. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    :rofl: Every single time I've used "I have a boyfriend" I in no way wanted the guy to keep trying.
     
  15. Dreams2Reality

    Dreams2Reality saywhat

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    I'll admit she's got a point though.

    I'd say Im 2-15 on the "I have a boyfriend" defense. Generally they're really certain that they dont want you. I scored one from a bar, the other from a friends cookout.. They both gave me that. I just played the "Oh really?" kind've thing.
     
  16. kristaliah

    kristaliah New Member

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    But sometimes using that line means that you'll keep flirting and playing around, but nothing is actually going to happen.

    ooooor it will happen but nobody can know.

    Girls are tricky. :nono:
     
  17. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    I was referring to myself. I'm not every woman.
     
  18. Doc Love

    Doc Love Guest

    I have a boyfriend is not a means to stop me from pushing forward, 9 out of 10 times the girl is lying and shit-testing you. If she really had a boyfriend, that she was faithful to, she wouldn't have put herself in the position to flirt and play around with me. If she's flirting, touching me, playing along, she wants me. Saying I have a boyfriend doesn't deter me. Keep pushing forward only stop when she says something genuine, and you will know when she genuinely has a boyfriend.
     
  19. kristaliah

    kristaliah New Member

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    Yea, I know.

    I was referring to women in general who love attention.
     
  20. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    :rofl: Oh lord
     
  21. Doc Love

    Doc Love Guest

    Do you have first hand experience picking up girls?
     
  22. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    No, but your whole post is hilarious far off. At least when comparing it to the case study the OP was even taking about. Maybe for you girls have put themselves right out in the open and flirted with you and then announced they had a bf so you figured "shit, she doesnt act like it, I'm going to pursue this." But to say 9 out of 10 girls who say "I have a boyfriend" are lying? :rofl: That's a ridiculous stat. And not every girl puts herself out and openly flirts. There are many times a guy just hits on a girl and is too dumb to realize the girl isnt reciprocating feelings back. She tells him she is taken and he just keeps going because he is either an idiot or cocky.
     
  23. ass_kicker32

    ass_kicker32 New Member

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    I do and I think her :rofl: was at your statistics. 9/10 she is lying?

    Im not sure those are the types of women I want to be picking up. If it works for you, great. Personally, Id change my venues and find women who arent lying or manipulative (as much, because we all know ALL women are lying and manipulative to some degree).
     
  24. Doc Love

    Doc Love Guest

    My stats are from personal experience, 9 times out of 10 that I have heard I have a boyfriend it was a lie to see if I was congruent with the image of myself I have portrayed.
     
  25. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Ohhh, so of course then that is the stat we all must live by :hsugh:
     

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