Does my gf still have a crush on some dude?

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by Jarg0n, Aug 15, 2008.

  1. Jarg0n

    Jarg0n New Member

    Joined:
    Sep 6, 2007
    Messages:
    197
    Likes Received:
    0
    I know 100% that she was in love with a guy that she hung out with before me. I don't think anything ever happened between them. I think the dude actually wasn't that into her and he moved on and got with another girl.

    One year later, after dating this girl for about 9 months or so, she claims that she never even had a crush on him. When I ask her about him, she gets this glazed over look in her eye and tells me that "he tried to get me, but he couldn't get me."

    Makes me kinda sad... In my mind, this means that she's still got a minor crush on this dude, but she's verbally telling me that she loves me. She's still denying to me (and maybe to herself) that she had a crush (actually was crazy "in love") with the guy, which to me, means that she still has some feelings for him. If she's in love w/ me, I don't see why she wouldn't just tell me. Hell, I know for a fact nothing happened between them, so what's the big deal with just telling me?

    :ugh:
     
  2. clopstar43

    clopstar43 New Member

    Joined:
    Jul 31, 2008
    Messages:
    4
    Likes Received:
    0
    if the dude wanted nothing to do with her what the hell is the problem? she is with you right. quit fuckin stressing the issue. man up. past is past.
     
  3. greenpillow

    greenpillow New Member

    Joined:
    Sep 21, 2004
    Messages:
    13,491
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    PINKBOW
    Its not an issue do not stress about it or else it will become an issue..
     
  4. Jarg0n

    Jarg0n New Member

    Joined:
    Sep 6, 2007
    Messages:
    197
    Likes Received:
    0
    How do I know it's not an issue? I just want to know if her feelings are split between him and myself.

    We all work at the same place, so we all interact with each other every day.
     
  5. AutoEuphoria

    AutoEuphoria New Member

    Joined:
    Mar 5, 2008
    Messages:
    248
    Likes Received:
    0
    Probably. My gf openly admits she still has crushes on guys...I guess it's something that never goes away. The question you have to ask yourself is do you trust her enough to not act on it?
     
  6. dan7532

    dan7532 New Member

    Joined:
    Mar 8, 2008
    Messages:
    387
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    St. Louis, MO
    Why do you bring this up after 9 months of dating?
     
  7. Jarg0n

    Jarg0n New Member

    Joined:
    Sep 6, 2007
    Messages:
    197
    Likes Received:
    0

    Because that's how my mind works I guess. It's just rolling around in my head. I guess I'll discuss in more w/ her when she gets back. Not sure what I'd say though...I'm open to suggestions.

    I'm still finding pics of him on her computer. The other day I saw that she had called in him her phone, but claimed to be 'trying' to call the guy that preceded him, which seemed logical because the reasoning added up. I know from a friend that she was asking one of her girlfriends to get some pics of him at his bb game while she was gone on vacation. Just little things like that keep popping up. Hell, if I could forget about it, I would.

    I just don't understand her not wanting to admit something as simple as that to me. Because I know that' she's lying to me (because I know that she was in that crazy schoolgirl love with him at one point before we were together), it just makes it hard to trust her on other issues.

    Hell, we waited 9 some odd months to tell each other that we loved each other, and I do feel that it's real too, Hell, I even took her V-card a month or two ago (we're mid-20's btw). I guess it all boils down to trust issues. I know that she would never ever cheat physically, but mentally...I'm at a loss.
     
  8. dan7532

    dan7532 New Member

    Joined:
    Mar 8, 2008
    Messages:
    387
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    St. Louis, MO
    Suggestion #1: don't let issues boil in your brain for 9 months. If it bothers you, iron it out immediately.

    I don't advise snooping, but if you were already doing it ... I would have immediately taken notice of how long the call was if I was looking. If, within the same minute, her next call is to someone just above or below this guy on her contact list, you know it was accidental.
    if you KNOW without any smidgen of doubt that she is lying to you, call her out on it. Demand to know why she feels the need to lie to you. If she doesn't explain herself and promise to stop lying to you, leave her.

    That says NOTHING about how "meaningful" the "love" is.
    Again, says NOTHING about the "realness" of this "love". How do you know she wasn't lying to you about being a virgin, too? :mamoru:
    NO YOU DON'T. This girl lies to you! You dont know SHIT, son!
     
  9. Jarg0n

    Jarg0n New Member

    Joined:
    Sep 6, 2007
    Messages:
    197
    Likes Received:
    0
    Yes, I know 100% that she's was a virgin. Not a big deal if she was or wasn't...just stating facts.

    Yes, I know 100% that she was "in love" with this dude. Yes, I found out by snooping and I don't feel great about it at all.

    Thing is, if I call her out on it, the first thing she'll ask is "how do I know?" My argument won't sound very convincing if I don't tell her how I found out, but if I do, then maybe I'm doing something that's just as bad. I really don't know how to approach her on this issue.

    Yeah, I tried to see how long the call was, but the phone was a stupid f'n Sony Ericsson and I accidentally deleted the call history. Not sure how I managed that one...
     
  10. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

    Joined:
    Apr 2, 2008
    Messages:
    1,816
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    CdM, CA
    just because she liked him at some point doesnt mean she is for sure in love with him now.

    the fact that she doesnt want to admit it to you? maybe she is trying to keep the peace and make everyone feel comfortable if you all work together. i didnt tell my ex that i had a long time cruch on a friend of mine. it wasnt relavent to anything. i liked this guy when i was single, then i met my ex, and i decided to focus my attention on him.

    and who cares if she has pics of him on her computer? i have pics of a lot of guys (friends, ex's, old crushes, whatever) and it doesnt mean i a) look at them every day or b) still like any of them. it sounds like you are reading way too much into this. stop snooping and ask her if you want to know something
     
  11. dan7532

    dan7532 New Member

    Joined:
    Mar 8, 2008
    Messages:
    387
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    St. Louis, MO
    You made it a big deal that she was a virgin. You used that as a reason as to why the "love" in your relationship is real when you said "we loved each other, and I do feel that it's real too, Hell, I even took her V-card". Again, if she has lied to you before, you can't be sure she DIDN'T lie to you about virginity.

    We need to know how you discovered her love for this guy to better understand and advise the situation.

    Here's how you should approach her on the issue ... WITH THE TRUTH!

    lol
     
  12. dan7532

    dan7532 New Member

    Joined:
    Mar 8, 2008
    Messages:
    387
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    St. Louis, MO
    True, and I wouldn't be worried about a past love, but the fact that she lied to him is what worries me.

    If she said "I don't see how this is relevant, let's leave the past in the past", then that'd be OK. But since she LIED to him, that's a red flag.

    Agreed.
     
  13. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

    Joined:
    Apr 2, 2008
    Messages:
    1,816
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    CdM, CA
    how do we know that she actually did lie and its not him assuming what the truth was?

    he says he thinks this guy didnt want to get with her, yet she claims she didnt want to get with him. two opposite stories. maybe she was telling the truth.

    and im curious what the conversation was when she "lied."
    him: hey, did you like so and so?
    her: no

    i would have said no as well. and that doesnt mean there is anything to cover up, it means she didnt want to tell him. i dont tend to like to rehash past heartbreaks when i am happy in my new relationship. and if the story is like she says it was, the he tried to get with her and she didnt like him, then she hasnt lied at all

    the TS is overthinking this. he doesnt know anything for sure and is making a big deal where one doesnt need to be made.
     
  14. dan7532

    dan7532 New Member

    Joined:
    Mar 8, 2008
    Messages:
    387
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    St. Louis, MO
    I was making the assumption she did lie because TS claimed she did. I'm still waiting for his proof.

    entirely possible

    lol. Again, I'm still waiting for his proof.

    Why feel the need to lie? If you are asked, why wouldn't you say EXACTLY what you just typed on here? "didnt want to tell him. i dont tend to like to rehash past heartbreaks when i am happy in my new relationship"

    I'd like to know two things before I pass judgement:
    1) How does TS KNOW his girl was in love with this guy
    2) How did the convo go when she allegedly LIED about loving this guy
     
  15. greenpillow

    greenpillow New Member

    Joined:
    Sep 21, 2004
    Messages:
    13,491
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    PINKBOW
    I understand how you feel.. but she is with you.. not the other guy...I think it bothers you more that she will not talk about her feelings. Maybe she feels it was start a fight..

    I have crushs on lots of people.. but mostly it is actors .. like jonny depp .. *swoon*
     
  16. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

    Joined:
    Apr 2, 2008
    Messages:
    1,816
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    CdM, CA
    probably based on WHY the guy is asking in the first place, cause thats kinda weird too. like if i was this guys gf and he had snooped and asked about it, its probably because assumes something is going on. me saying "yes, i used to like him" spins him into something like that the TS is thinking now. ive liked a lot of guys. why does it matter who i have liked, as long as i dont like them now?

    same here. if he has some solid proof (a diary entry "im in love with so and so but my bf doesnt know it") then thats a whole different story.
     
  17. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

    Joined:
    Apr 2, 2008
    Messages:
    1,816
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    CdM, CA
    i agree. i had an ex who was jealous that i liked an actor when i was in high school. like literally upset almost crying jealous. my dad still laughs when he recalls hearing a fight we had with me saying "you realize i dont actually KNOW this guy, and because of that, i could never even have the possibility of leaving you for him"

    it was my first serious bf and that taught me to not overshare with guys. which includes discussing past crushes.

    however, my SO and i now are completely honest with each other about that stuff. but we also arent 20. when i was 20, i dont think i had the maturity (nor did the guys i was dating) to handle the honesty of "i think so and so is hot" without freaking out and thinking that they were going to cheat or that i was going to cheat
     
  18. dan7532

    dan7532 New Member

    Joined:
    Mar 8, 2008
    Messages:
    387
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    St. Louis, MO
    I wasn't saying you should say YES, I was agreeing with this: "ive liked a lot of guys. why does it matter who i have liked, as long as i dont like them now?" I was just wondering why you said you'd tell him to his face NO, while on the vag you type your real feelings, expressing that past crushes don't matter. Why wouldn't you just tell your guy what you tell the vag? "Past crushes don't matter"
     
  19. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

    Joined:
    Apr 2, 2008
    Messages:
    1,816
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    CdM, CA
    it really all depends on how the convo was brought up. im imagining in my head a similar instance with my jealous ex of the past where he would not have understood the logic of "past crushes dont matter"

    i'm at a different place in life now, and my current SO knows everything about my past, i'm just thinking about to my 20 year old self and how i felt then

    you are right, probably not the best approach, but when we are young, we are still learning that. and the excuse probably sounds weird, but i know i would be saying no with the best intentions, to keep him from being overly jealous or overly hurt about something that is really nothing
     
  20. dan7532

    dan7532 New Member

    Joined:
    Mar 8, 2008
    Messages:
    387
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    St. Louis, MO
    That quote of yourself gave me the implication that you have the DESIRE to leave, but not the ABILITY. I know you probably didn't mean it that way, but that's how I would interpret that quote. If you were trying to calm your bf down, a better line might have been "i was just recognizing beauty". On another note, if he got upset over you just making a "he's hot" comment to begin with, he is too insecure anyways.

    Ah, so it tuned out you just said someone's hot. No harm in recognizing beauty. But the statement I bolded and responded to still stands.
     
  21. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

    Joined:
    Apr 2, 2008
    Messages:
    1,816
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    CdM, CA
    the whole argument (which was ongoing actually) was that i thought this actor was cute. the statement you bolded was said to show how rediculous it was that he was jealous. if i had stated that a guy i went to school with was hot, and then said "but he wouldnt date me, so dont worry" i can see why he would feel insecure that i wanted someone else but i was only staying with him as a second choice. this was an actor. who i didnt know. who i thought was cute. who he on multiple occations complained about me thinking he was cute. again, maybe not the best reaction, but i think i was 16 or 17 at the time.
     
  22. Jarg0n

    Jarg0n New Member

    Joined:
    Sep 6, 2007
    Messages:
    197
    Likes Received:
    0
    Dude. Enough about the virgin issue. I obviously wrote it wrong. Ok, fine, I'm 98.4% sure she was a Virgin. Doesn't matter. Isn't the only v-card I've taken. I've had girls that weren't virgins either.

    More details:
    Gf and Jack (we'll call him) hung out before I started working here.
    When I got here, they had just apparently stopped hanging out as friends for whatever reason. I didn't care. I didn't know either of them.
    Some mutual friends tell me that they thought they had a past because they had seen them hanging together.
    Several months later, gf and I start dating (november 07).
    I ask gf about it, she denies having crush stating they were just friends (october 07).
    I read some of her emails (about a month ago), find out that she sent an email to one of her friends stating that she was "in love" with Jack, and "she's never felt this way about someone" and "this love is everything" yadda yadda. Email mentions how I come into the picture and me are gf are hanging out. Email was sent in oct 07 i think.
    A few weeks ago, I asked her again if she had ever liked the guy. She denied it, as detailed above.


    Edit: I would be fine if she would just tell me that she had a crush on the guy. I don't care! I just want us to be honest with each other and I'd like to know the truth and I don't understand why she would lie about something as trivial as this.
     
  23. dan7532

    dan7532 New Member

    Joined:
    Mar 8, 2008
    Messages:
    387
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    St. Louis, MO
    So if your SO doesn't understand your thoughts and logic, you don't attempt to explain, you just tell a fib? Or are you saying that's how you did things when you were younger?

    I think the best way is to explain to him exactly WHY it is really nothing. Again, is this how you thought when you were younger, or now?
     
  24. Jarg0n

    Jarg0n New Member

    Joined:
    Sep 6, 2007
    Messages:
    197
    Likes Received:
    0
    Also, Jack is kind of the player type. Gf probably didn't like this. Jack realized he couldn't get gf, because she obviously wasn't into that. Jack moved on. Gf probably got hung up on him.
     
  25. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

    Joined:
    Apr 2, 2008
    Messages:
    1,816
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    CdM, CA
    1. creepy that you are reading her emails, especially her SENT emails. shit dude, quit that

    2. so she states how she is in love with one guy, then mentions how you come along and she chooses to be with you. doesnt that imply that maybe she likes you even MORE than this other guy?

    all in all, i still think you are way overreacting and reading too much into things people tell you and are assumptions and not facts.

    l still want to know how you asked her if she liked this guy. that question alone is weird enough to me that i too would say no to prevent a huge fight. the fact that you keep asking her means you are not ok with her possibly having a crush. otherwise, why would you keep asking?
     

Share This Page