does it EVER end well?

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by JohnJohnJohnson, Jul 9, 2007.

  1. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Sep 8, 2004
    Messages:
    23,006
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Manhattan
    I'm totally in love again. I could spend all day lying next to this girl and be happy.

    If this ends with pain that is anything as intense as the happiness I'm feeling right now, then I won't be falling in love again for a long time.

    It WILL end... so the question is if it is possible for it to end gracefully.

    I hear nothing but sour endings here. Does anyone have a counter-story? :ugh:
     
  2. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Jun 23, 2006
    Messages:
    65,506
    Likes Received:
    1
    The only way it can "end well" for you is if you are no longer chemically addicted to her at the time that the relationship ends.

    There is no other way.

    This reply would've been about 10 times longer but I have to run to a meeting now.
     
  3. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Sep 8, 2004
    Messages:
    23,006
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Manhattan
    That's a good way to put it. Thanks

    Please elaborate when you get back..
     
  4. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Sep 8, 2004
    Messages:
    23,006
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Manhattan
    I won't be getting personal attacks from this girl
     
  5. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Sep 8, 2004
    Messages:
    23,006
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Manhattan
    Predominantly. Predominantly. Everything's always predominantly.
    Predominantly white. Predominantly black.
    But what about me? Where does that leave me?
    I guess I'm in between predominantly both of 'em.
    I think if I hear that fucking word again I'mma scream.

    Er... anyways

    If I got vicious attacks from her that would be FINE with me. No one does that to someone they don't care about.

    The most painful thing I can imagine (presently) would be mild disdain. Things like that.
     
  6. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Jun 23, 2006
    Messages:
    65,506
    Likes Received:
    1
    Love is basically a chemical reaction in your brain. It's very similar to addiction to a hard drug. I'm not making an analogy here... I mean literally, the chemical processes in your brain during "infatuation" and "love" are very similar to what happens when someone is addicted to crack or heroin. The same centers in your brain are stimulated, and with the same effect:

    Craving - take away a coke addict's coke and what happens? He goes through mental and physical withdrawal. Take someone who is smitten and separate them from their lover and what happens? They go through mental and physical withdrawal. They can't stop thinking about that person. Concentrating on everyday tasks like working or driving become difficult because their mind is occupied with that person. They lose their appetite.

    Fix - give a coke addict coke and what happens? Momentary euphoria for the duration of the high. Reunite two smitten lovers and what happens? Euphoria for the duration of the time that they're together. The world is viewed through rose-colored glasses. Everything is perfect.

    Withdrawal - Permanently cut off a coke addict's supply and what happens? They go nuts. Intense physical and mental withdrawal effects. Many people need professional help to recover. Some end up killing themselves. Take someone who is in the infatuation stage of love and have their SO dump them and what happens? They go nuts. Intense physical and mental withdrawal effects. Some people need counseling to recover. Some people even kill themselves.

    Why does all of this happen? Chemicals in the brain. Oxytocin (don't confuse that with Oxycontin). Dopamine, Serotonin, Vasopressin, etc. It kind of takes all the romance out of things, but that's really all there is. These effects can be monitored and, in some cases recreated in a laboratory setting.

    A quick note about Vasopressin since that's probably one that you haven't heard of. Vasopressin is a hormone that is responsible for monogamy. That's a pretty deep statment. Think about the effects of what I just said. The presence and action of a certain hormone in your brain is what makes you monogamous towards a woman. There was a study done with Voles (a little mammal - field mice). They took prarie voles, which are usually monogamous, and gave them a drug to suppress vasopressin activity. The result? They were no longer monogamous.

    Here is a link to an article about the study: Click me.

    Back to your specific question. The reason breakups hurt and people literally experience mental and physical pain (withdrawal) is because you are literally chemically addicted to the other person. This process is beyond logical thought and is entirely chemical in nature. It would be like someone using meth and saying "I'm not going to get addicted." It's really not up to their conscious thought processes. However, at least in my experience with love, being aware of what is happening can help reduce the pain... a little bit. You're still going through it, but you understand why and at least then it makes sense.

    Right now, you are chemically addicted to this woman:

    So back to my original answer, the only way things can end well for you is if you are no longer chemically addicted to her when it ends. Take someone who is not addicted to cocaine and tell them they can't have anymore and what happens? Nothing. The person doesn't care (the person has no chemical addiction to cocaine). Pretend you're dating someone that you don't care about (no chemical addiction) and break up with them and what happens? Nothing. You don't care because you're not chemically attached. There is no withdrawal. There is no craving. You might feel a little bad because hey, you just dumped someone, but as far as you are concerned, it didn't end badly. When you wake up the next day you won't be in physical or mental pain.

    Now, take someone with whom you are infatuated and have your relationship end. What happens? Everyone in the Vag knows what that feels like, and now everyone knows why.

    edit - I'm not saying you should avoid falling in love. It is absolutely the best feeling in the world, and I'm sure that, in the end, the benefits outweigh the possible risks of having your heart broken. I'm just answering your question of why it hurts when it ends and the condition that has to be in place in order for it not to hurt.

    edit 2 - the part about vasopressin and monogamy... don't bother replying with "man is not meant to be monogamous" or "I'm a player, I don't let myself fall in love." No one has any control over the hormones in their brains. Man is polygamous by nature, sure, until he falls in love, gets his heart broken, and then makes a thread about it in the Vag.
     
    Last edited: Jul 9, 2007
  7. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Jun 23, 2006
    Messages:
    65,506
    Likes Received:
    1
    ^ feel free to add that to that sticky thread if it was helpful.
     
  8. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Sep 8, 2004
    Messages:
    23,006
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Manhattan
    two people drugging each other with each other. that's kind of awesome

    nicely written btw
     
  9. Phantom Empress

    Phantom Empress mmmmmm tasty!!!

    Joined:
    Dec 10, 2001
    Messages:
    52,552
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Miramar, FL
    My ex and i ended it well. It hurt, but there was no fighting, not hatred, we just both realized that we were going in separate directions. So, there were tears but we talked and ended amicably and that was it. You just have to be calm and an adult about ending soemthing while it's still not yet volitile.
     
  10. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2006
    Messages:
    32,592
    Likes Received:
    5
    I've had lots of very civil break ups. I like to think it had to do with the level of maturity on both ends. Most of the times were due to drifting apart and then mutually breaking up. This is also why I am great friends with a lot of my ex's.
     
  11. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Jun 23, 2006
    Messages:
    65,506
    Likes Received:
    1
    I added two edits to the bottom.
     
  12. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Sep 8, 2004
    Messages:
    23,006
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Manhattan
    yeah but aren't u ridiculously mature.. u have (had?) that whole crazy s & m thing going with whatshisname
     
  13. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Jun 23, 2006
    Messages:
    65,506
    Likes Received:
    1
    The chemical addiction wears off over time in some cases. That is what you are describing, only in different words.
     
  14. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2006
    Messages:
    32,592
    Likes Received:
    5
    Definitely. Like I've said in many many threads. I am very self-aware and know what I like, when I don't like something, and what is best for me. So there have been a lot of relationships I've been in where I just realized they were never going to go anywhere, so I ended them.
     
  15. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Jun 23, 2006
    Messages:
    65,506
    Likes Received:
    1
    It's worth pointing out that, even in relationships where people logically realize "it's not going anywhere," if the chemical addiction remains, they don't break up. Look at all the dysfunctional relationships out there where people won't leave. Look at all the drug addicts who know it's fucking up their lives but they can't quit.

    Chemicals and hormones are extremely powerful.
     
  16. Phantom Empress

    Phantom Empress mmmmmm tasty!!!

    Joined:
    Dec 10, 2001
    Messages:
    52,552
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Miramar, FL
    truetrue.. and yes, we stillhave that going. we've been together for almost five years.

    Just don't resort to shouting matches and name calling.
     
  17. Kalypso

    Kalypso New Member

    Joined:
    May 12, 2007
    Messages:
    1,105
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Tallahassee, Florida
    I'm in the business of side-stepping such problems by staying single, but it CAN potentially end well. Potentially. Sometimes.
     
  18. PocoDiablo

    PocoDiablo New Member

    Joined:
    Jul 11, 2004
    Messages:
    4,413
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    NOVA
    If you think it will end, then it will live up to your expectations.

    If you think it will get better and better, then it will.

    Your comment about lying in bed so happy stuck with me. When you feel that way, get your lazy fucking ass out of bed and do something that will make her more attracted to you! It requires WORK!

    If you get lazy, your relationship will come unglued.
     
  19. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

    Joined:
    Sep 1, 2006
    Messages:
    32,592
    Likes Received:
    5
    True. However I've always been able to drop bad habits (even bf's) with no problem :big grin:
     
  20. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Sep 8, 2004
    Messages:
    23,006
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Manhattan
    how is that NOT focusing on fear of loss man?? do this "or else". that is shitty advice, fail.

    not because it's false.. because you delivered it horribly. :ugh:
     
  21. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Jun 23, 2006
    Messages:
    65,506
    Likes Received:
    1
    Because you weren't chemically addicted, which is a different scenario than what I was talking about.
     
  22. PocoDiablo

    PocoDiablo New Member

    Joined:
    Jul 11, 2004
    Messages:
    4,413
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    NOVA
    Um... well, yeah, you're right. I still stand by it, though.

    Guys get lazy and stop being who they were, and then things start to slide. I'm just reminding guys that you have to maintain who you were, how things were, the good times. The day you STOP doing whatever you were doing is when things are going to slide away.

    Too many guys get lazy. You have to focus and maintain momentum.
     
  23. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

    Joined:
    Sep 8, 2004
    Messages:
    23,006
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Manhattan
    alright but lets figure out positive ways to think. no one wants to follow advice that makes them feel like shit
     
  24. MoP

    MoP New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 6, 2003
    Messages:
    25,043
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Toon Town, Canada
  25. miker

    miker New Member

    Joined:
    Mar 4, 2005
    Messages:
    298
    Likes Received:
    0
    nope, all my serious relationships are bitter endings
     

Share This Page