SRS does he still care?

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by BBQ Monster, Mar 7, 2005.

  1. BBQ Monster

    BBQ Monster New Member

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    I am having a problem with my boyfriend. I have been with him off and on for three years now, and he is virtually all I have ever known really. Here latley he has began to distance himself. Well not so much distance, just more intrested in other things besides me. Such as, the computer. He loves playing WOW. And quite frankly I do too. But, my life does not revolve around it. When I wake up and go to work at 4:00 in the morning, he gets up and plays his game. Know harm know foul because I am not their. But, when I get off work he gets on and plays till he has to go to work. It just feels we are slipping away from each other. We have not even had sex for 2 months now. And we use to do it all the time. I since something has changed in him. I have tried talking about it with him, and he swears he is going to change or do his best to make me feel wanted instead of a piece of shit, but I still feel like I am worthless. It is killing me. I feel like my whole world is crashing down because he is just not acting and showing me he loves me like he use to. I try to spice things up, by telling him we should try new things in the bedroom, but he always tells me he is busy.

    One of my friends told me to tell him either he starts caring or thats it. Well how can you force a person to love you? You can't. So I asked him what can you show me that will make me decide to stay with you? And why should I waste my life on someone who is more like a roomate to me then a boyfriend? I was so angry at the time, and kinda regret saying some of those things. But, maybe I am just worried about myself, I don't know. But, I will ask him everyday how he feels, if he needs anything. Or if he wants to go do something. All he says is, yeah later tho, I am doing this quest.

    I mean I have a lot of history with him, I would not want to throw all that away for nothing. I wish if he was just not intrested in me anymore that he would just tell me so I could start the healing process. I know I love him, but is it realy worth all this pain?
     
  2. Peyomp

    Peyomp New Member

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    Your needs are not being met. The only way to get them met is to state them. If he does not respond, then the only thing that you can do is to make him aware that if he continues to fail to meet your needs, then you will be ending the relationship. If he still doesn't respond, then you must go through with your ultimatum. Unless you're into hurting yourself by pouring love and energy into someone that doesn't give it back... and in that case, its time to go to a therapist.

    I think he should delete WoW today.
     
  3. Vay

    Vay New Member

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    I had to quote Peyomp because I think it is very well said, and should be listen to. I would talk to him again, and tell him how you are feeling, and state you want changes. If he does not do it then you might have to move on.


     
  4. laracroft

    laracroft teh croft

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    I also agree with Peyomp. Similar thing happened in my last relationship, we lived together and the last two years felt like roommates, not much more. I let it go longer than it should have, but finally broke it off right after last Thanksgiving. I had to find a new place to live but I am MUCH happier now.
     
  5. EvaPrototype

    EvaPrototype New Member

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    Just get out. I just went through this exact scenario with my ex-girlfriend, except I substituted surfing car forums for WoW. You mention that you guys were on-again-off-again. Do you have trust issues between you? I ask this, because things had happened in my relationship to the point where the trust was very frail. We would fight over lame things, the sex became monotonous, and the conversation became completely void of any interest. Because of our trust issues, a wedge of apathy was created, and we just stayed together out of comfort. Well, I wasn't giving her the love that she needed, because I honestly just wasn't happy or attracted to her anymore, but I just couldn't separate from her because I was afraid of being alone, and of course because it was confortable. So she hit her breaking point and dumped me. I understood it, and it actually made me happy to out of the relationship.

    So I guess he's sending you signals. He really wants to break up with you...but he won't say it.

    My $0.02.

    ~Chris
     
  6. Toasty

    Toasty Naked people have little or no influence on societ

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    It's hard to tell whether he still cares for you or not just from this one post. If he does love you, but isn't demonstrating it to you, then I suppose that's enough of an indication that there's a disconnect.

    Perhaps he feels confident and secure in your relationship...unaware of the degree of your anguish. I know you've talked about it, but it's not sinking in that it really could mean the end of everything the 2 of you have built up over the past 3 years.

    He's got to make a choice...his big-eared, leather-clad Rogue night-elf....or his hot girlfriend. If he continues on with the game...well, you got your answer.
     
  7. Jobe

    Jobe keke ^_^

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    I've been in your boyfriends place and it was in fact caused by wanting to break up, I just had a difficult time saying it. Yours may be feeling the same way. Time to talk about it :hs:
     
  8. BBQ Monster

    BBQ Monster New Member

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    It was all a miss understanding. He did not realize he was hurting me. We talked for like 4 hours straight, and I layed everything out on the table. He did too, I said if your only with me because of comfort or your afraid of being alone then I don't want it. He then showed me the note I wrote him 2 years ago, the one where I told him I loved him. He said when ever we fight, I read this and it reminds me of how much I love you and need you. So he proved to me he cares and loves me. He even cried because he was afraid to lose me. I am feeling much better now. He did choose me over his dark elf hunter. :)
     
  9. Vay

    Vay New Member

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    Ahhh such a sweet ending :wtc: . Well at lease everything is okay!


     
  10. Peyomp

    Peyomp New Member

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    That sounds great, but just remember: talk is cheap. He has to SHOW you through his daily actions that he loves you. Don't get suckered in with an emotional talk, only to let him return to the same habits that make you feel unloved. Hold him to his word... nuke WoW.
     
  11. KatWoman

    KatWoman •••••••••••

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    :werd:



    and :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: at your av.
     
  12. Peyomp

    Peyomp New Member

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    Nobody fucks with Zues.

    PS: I shaved my head today, but OT gets no pics. I lived through the ban, so NOOOOoo way.
     
  13. Peyomp

    Peyomp New Member

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    I too expect him to return to his old ways soon. Which is why she must be damned strong about dumping him if he does. But maybe he has been woken up to his selfish behavior? It is possible, and yeah only time will tell.
     
  14. This relationship is over. The difference between you and I BBQ is that I know this.

    Ultimatums of this sort do not work when expressed. If you plan on having one, it must be one you keep in your heart but never speak to the other person. That is the true sign of finality in a relationship and of your conviction to do what is right for you; otherwise you run the risk of creating new lines in the sand. When you toe the line - toe it and be done, and it need not be communicated to another when that other already has been told before.

    Expect your conversation which has seemingly breathed new life into your faith of this relationship to dissolve and your love life along with it. The cycles you've spoken of are not "talked" out or "misunderstood" in the time periods you've given.

    What you've experienced is the equivalent of convincing yourself and being convinced by him that the "day in and day out grind" is suddenly going to be replaced by some fanciful display of affection on his part. Actions speak louder than words - and human beings are creatures of habit. I think you'll find these patterns and habits which led you to writing this post will continue, if not today, tomorrow or even in the next few weeks - they haunt relationships, and ghosts always come home.

    You'll dislike me greatly for what I've said, but consider it either a prophecy, or simply me telling you the sky is blue. It's hard to let go of denial and it's even harder to have your security torn away and your fears manifest but what is real is not always what is pleasant. Either way time will tell if my words ring true, and when you know - you'll remember them.

    Note: I want to make it clear that I'm not in anyway saying your partner is bad for being the way he is or that he isn't a good guy. Often in cases like this that has nothing to do with it. What it often comes down to is two people who have incompatible needs.
     
  15. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Does he happen to play runescape? That game is like selling your soul to the devil.
     
  16. vierstein

    vierstein New Member

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    It might not be the relationship bothering him, if someone completely absorbs themselves in a game I'd say their depressed, or they simple got sucked into it and are almost addicted to it, RPG games are scary that way. but usually if someones life is good, ie. their not depressed, they wont bother to go enter a game, its escapism, the only way to get rid of it is to improve your quality of life.
    So yeah either hes bored with work, or some other part of his life (or the relationship, doesnt seem like it though) but he needs to change something so he wont have to escape reality.

    Did he stop playing so much after your talk?
    I'd say, get rid of WoW, and talk, a lot, figure out whats bothering him.
     
  17. veonake

    veonake OnT poster, OT lurker

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    Wow MB, that was a lot more depressing post than I usually see from you.

    I don't think their relationship is prophesized to be over, but I do think that the one conversation gaurentees nothing. I agree with basically everything Peyomp said about holding him to your needs. Deleting WoW would be a very good idea. My friend used to play WC3 so much that it hurt his personal relationships with friends. He deleted it months ago and he is much improved.
     
  18. It's been an ongoing problem from post to post for quite awhile for this person.
     
  19. BBQ Monster

    BBQ Monster New Member

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    Thank you so much MB, your post do not make me feel any anguish towards you. Your words actually have helped me through alot of shit going on in my life, and I thank you for that. I can see what everyone is telling me. I will tell him to delete WoW and see what happens from their, but since our little talk he has not played while I have been home. But, like you said ghost always come back to haunt you.
     
  20. I want and wish only the best for you and your happiness BBQ - whether that be in this current relationship, or where ever you might find yourself. It's a process this life - and it can get real tough at times. I think ongoing support and communication may be of value to you in this relationship. Setting up times to go on dates [real dates...dinner, movie, talking, just like when you first met] and to really connect can help mend some of the challenges you face. Setting aside time to talk alone each week, even each day - these things are critical. These things also can't be things you do for a week or two and then stop. They must become apart of your interaction on a long term basis.

    While I can't be optimistic of the overall picture given the duration and nature of the problems you've had - I can offer that much. Let's face it, no one writes what you originally wrote unless they're at the end of their rope and no one comes to the end of their rope over just one incident like the one that just took place with the video game.

    You may also consider attending couples counseling now while things are more stable right now. Working hard now during this improvement period may prove to further strengthen and hopefully help both of you make permanent changes. The counsel you receive will provide you time, tips, an tools to gradually making that transition, but it's something you'd both have to be invested in. Ah, sounds a lot like a relationship? It is.

    Even if things don't turn out the way you want, the changes you make or the things you learn will stay with you. I think you have a lot to gain by making the effort even if the future is a big question mark. It always was to begin with.
     
  21. BBQ Monster

    BBQ Monster New Member

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    I thank you for everyonesupport. I will try everything MB just said. And keep everyone updated on what is going on.

    I have a lot of respect for you especially MB, thank you for helping me. :)
     
  22. Keep us updated. You're welcome. :)
     
  23. BBQ Monster

    BBQ Monster New Member

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    Sorry if this does not make to much since, I am only running on like 3 hours of sleep.

    Well he deleted it today. I was very surprised at this when he did. I hated feeling so much anguish towards him, but I basically told him it goes or I do. He actually deleted it, I thought he would trie to hide it or re-name it, but it is actually gone. So maybe he is trying, at least he proved to me he would choose me over the game. We talked a little today, and things seem to be going better. But, you never know. I guess I am just being optimistic.
     
  24. *XxChocoTacoxX

    *XxChocoTacoxX Mmm... Choco tacos... :drool:

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    I personally (being a guy that loves games) don't think you should have made him choose between you and a video game. I mean, if you think a video game is ruining your relationship, that should make you question it and yourself. My g/f had almost the same feelings you had: she thought she was competing for time with me over Counter-Strike (1.6). But she came to the conclusion that it was just a game and that I still love her regardless of if I'm playing a video game or not. Guys like to have fun (and if I know ladies like I think I do, they do too) so just because he finds a video game fun and starts to spend more time on it that with you, doesn't mean he's thinking any less of you. Video games, unlike relationships, don't last that long. Video games will get old, but good relationships don't. And just as a side note, if my g/f (or any other girl that I would be with) asked me to uninstall, sell, or in any other way get rid of a video game because she thinks it's more important or else she'd leave, I'd be saying good-bye until she could come to her senses and realize that it's a game and could never replace what I have with her. I mean, if what we had could be ended over a video game, that would make me question what we had in the first place. Just mho though...
     
  25. BBQ Monster

    BBQ Monster New Member

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    Know offense or anything, but you do not know my BF and his tendency with games like this. This is a RPG game and it is one of those that do take time out of your life in order to play it. When your BF/GF stops payin attention to you when he or she gets into the game totally, and all he/she does is breath eat and sleep WoW, and then your feelings are drowning in misery, what do you think should be done? He never did this before he got the game. I even asked him to play it less, so we could spend time together. But, I guess I am just suppose to sit back and let him play it while he ruins the relationship by ripping my heart out because I want a simple hello, or a hug or something? I don't think so. You must be one of the gur ru video gamers. That response would only come out of ones mouth. I am not trying to be mean, all I am saying is there is more to life then video games. He has not just had this problem once, he has had it before with Deoblo, and once upon a time with EQ. The only reason he stopped playin those, was because Blizzard was coming out with WoW, and he is more involved with this one then any other he has played in the past. I like the game to. But, I would rather spend time with my BF, when he was home, and then play the game when he was gone. But, maybe that is just me. Basically what I am saying, is if for some reason he did not delete the game and continued to play it, I should not have to feel I am fighting for my BF against it. And if he cared about me like he says he does, he would be reassuring me that this game is not going to change how he feels about me. I should not have to ever question it, especially to a game. Bottom line, when you lose all contact to the world, because of a game, and I am talking about contact with like family members, and friends and then neglect everything around you such as the person you care about the most, there is something wrong with that. Know one can tell me that by me asking him to delete the game was selfish. Yes, I took something away he loves, but I almost lost something that means a whole hell of a lot more to me then some stupid game. And I have made plenty of sacrafices for him, and and gave up things just for him. It's time for him to grow up.

    And on a side note. Any guy that would let a game get the best of who he really is, and decide to lose the person they care about, because they wan't to keep the level 40 Night Elf Hunter (which by the way is a non-fictional character) or what ever game it might be, just proves if a game can alter there ability to interact with the people around them, who says it won't break a relationship?
     
    Last edited: Mar 15, 2005

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