Do you express all your insecurities in an LTR?

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by JohnJohnJohnson, Apr 1, 2008.

  1. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    Generally, here's how I am.

    I prefer to work through an insecurity on my own... think it out myself. I don't trust insecurities because often when I just take the time to dismantle them, they disappear. So I don't give them credit.

    Then if that doesn't work I give them credit (i.e., something "real" may actually be bothering me) and get assistance.

    In the past, every single thought that entered my head came out of my mouth. But experience has taught me that many of the thoughts in my head go away by themselves, don't make a lot of sense after about five minutes, and would only cause a lot of unnecessary trouble in the meantime.

    It's an adjustment in my own judgment of when something "should" bother me versus when it is a stupid flash of LSE.
     
  2. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    I know what my insecurities are and I have dealt and deal with most of them completely on my own. I have given in and maybe let one or two surface to my SO and he's always been supportive and helpful thankfully.

    In the past I never spoke a peep however about my insecurities. I'm not quite sure if I'm just finally in a relationship where I trust my SO enough to admit it to them or if I'm just getting softer :dunno: When I think back I realize a lot of my anxiety was due to holding in every feeling I had.
     
  3. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    Wow, you've dealt with all of them on your own? That must have been a real bitch. That's not an attack... if you say it wasn't a real bitch, then I believe you... but dayumn.

    Another thing I've found is that if I think about it long enough, I can find a "good" concern hiding within what might otherwise be simple insecurity. For example, worrying that someone may be losing interest in you is an insecurity; making sure they are only with you because it makes them happy, is more of a "good" concern, hiding within that insecurity.

    So a lot of the time, thinking it through doesn't exactly make the insecurity disappear, per se, but refines it into a legitimate, positive concern.
     
  4. Elphaba

    Elphaba New Member

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    I guess I'm a little from column A, a little from B.

    I think a lot of random stuff - and like you, most of it doesnt even result in more than 3min of consideration. If it gets past this mark, I'll mull it over for a while, and if it STILL hangs around I'll say something.

    To clarify though, are you talking about insecurities with the relationship itself, or more personal insecurities?
     
  5. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

    That's an interesting question, I will have to think on it
     
  6. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    I've always been way too independent to tell everyone what I was feeling. It was a bitch. I was constantly stressed out and went kooky. My anxiety attacks + other events pushed me over the edge and I finally had to talk to someone. Even after all that though it still took me I'd say a year into this relationship to open up. I'm constantly blown away at how for the first time I actually admit what I'm feeling when I'm feeling it. I used to suppress it to the point where you'd think I'd explode (which I did, but not in an angry way).

    And I agree on the second half of that post.
     
  7. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    I guess I don't have many personal insecurities these days. I could probably come up with plenty, but I would say more than insecurities, I have fears.

    In fact, back when I had "personal" insecurities... I think those were just untranslated fears.

    For example, "I'm too small / weak / feminine / whatever-unmanly-thing," was a personal insecurity, but I think it was actually a fear, in disguise. Namely, "I won't be able to land hotties, I won't be able to get affection, or love."

    So, these days, I, for the most part at least, skip the insecurity and just focus on the fear and evaluate its merits instead.

    (Hmm... that's not correct. I can land hotties like this. I can also have an easier time doing so if I'm in shape, so why not hit the gym, as well.)

    So, I would say I was talking about relationship insecurities, not personal ones.
     
  8. Elphaba

    Elphaba New Member

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    Ah, ok. Well, in that case, my original reply still stands, with the following exception. If I've done something that I know my SO 'doesnt like' I'm always first to express something about it and give them a chance to size things up.

    For example: The bf doesnt dig being around sick people, at all. He's notorious in his family for calling for a replacement 'nurse' then cutting out. I have IBS and about 3 weeks ago I had a pretty bad episode. I was pretty sure he was going to freak out, but he didnt, and I was so happy. This sunday night though, I had another pretty bad situation, and after it was over I flat out said "you're going to leave me, arent you?" I was pretty sure he wasnt really going to, but b/c it was something I knew him to be skittish of, I had to put it out on the table.
     
  9. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    I'll clarify the distinction I'm making between a personal insecurity and a fear.

    A personal insecurity is a qualitative judgment about yourself. "I am X bad/inferior/insufficient quality."

    A fear is a concern about your ability to get something that you want (or inability).

    If I can't translate a personal insecurity into a fear, I discard the insecurity because it is meaningless to me thenceforth.
     
  10. JordanClarkson

    JordanClarkson OT Supporter

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    I used to communicate my insecurities in the relationship, but I don't think that worked out too well because my gf didn't have insecurities about the relationship. She did have personal ones though while I rarely did.
     
  11. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    Brilliant.

    I was just thinking about this the other night.
     
  12. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    I will probably participate in this thread at a later date.
     
  13. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Just last night I expressed an insecurity I had to my bf. Not a large one by any means, but one that involved us both, so it was more important than just something with me.
     
  14. demosnat

    demosnat New Member

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    I don't think I would ever say: here are my insecurities, ABC, just FYI, but they come up in conversation. But honestly, I could tell anyone all of them and it wouldn't really bother me :dunno:
     
  15. Falconer

    Falconer OT Supporter

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    Yeah... actually between me and my gf, a couple insecurities for both of us have come up in conversation, and we each told the other person what they were :dunno:

    My gf said she was glad I told her so she could make me feel better.
     
  16. magik

    magik New Member

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    I've told my SO all of my insecurities, most of them he found out on his own because they're so obvious. But I still have them all, I hate to pin the blame on him but, he really hasn't tried at all to relieve me of them - he only seems to make it worse or reinforce them.

    It's shitty because I know they're 50% realistic and 50% non-realistic. It seems that if someone loved me enough, they could look past all the things I'm insecure about. So, for that reason, I am not terribly worried.
     
  17. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    What was it?
     
  18. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Why would I tell anyone but him? :hsugh:
     
  19. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    bc I have no problem saying anything to people I don't know or care about, and it sounds relationship-y, which fits the thread
     
  20. KindlyCuddly

    KindlyCuddly Irina Lazareanu

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    I tell my insecurities to my therapist and I'd hope he'd do the same. I don't want to talk or hear about them in a relationship. At least not continually. It gets old.
     

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