You can read my post in Sam's thread if needbe to see where I'm coming from, or one of my infamous threads over the last month. I haven't had a decent nights sleep without taking something in over a month, I don't feel like I "belong" with anyone (friends, family), I just feel like some loser thats made the wrong choice with everything over the last 9-10 years, especially the last 5, and a hell of a lot of bad choices over the last 2 years. I can't even get remotely excited about my upcoming yearly vacation. Normally I'm gone 2 weeks to this trail ride, and this year I'm honestly trying my hardest to come up with reasons to not go at all. I've been going for years (10-15 or so) and I get to see alot of people that this is the only time I ever see them but I'm so paranoid of "what if they find out" or "if I wear this or do this will it make me look gay, and they will know?!" I don't feel comfortable at all around most people I know anymore. The only people I feel the most comfortable around is my 14 year old nephew (we're both into cars, and he's more like a 21 year old then a 14 year old), my sister, and that's about it. The thing is you get me out of this town and I loosen up a little bit, and for a few minutes or an hour or so I can forget about almost everything but then I start missing it here. I was bumming some of my mom's 1/2mg anti depressants and they helped alot but she started telling me I was addicted to them, and started telling people I was taking them so I stopped so everyone wouldn[t know. And no I wasn't abusing them I was taking 2 maybe 3 1/2mg pills over 24 hours. I even quit going to my public speaking class and wound up flunking it after I went off of them but that's also partially to do with the breakup becuase I was so sad back then. I'm sure you all don't need to know this much about me but thanks anyway for reading, or not reading I just needed a vent tonight. I'm about to be stuck in a camper for a week plus 3 days in the van with my mom, I have a party to go to tomorrow night and a movie to go to tomorrow night so again I'm going to have to pretent like nothing is wrong and put on my happy face for the public.