SRS Dissatisfied with Marriage

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by CappyStyles, Jan 18, 2010.

  1. CappyStyles

    CappyStyles New Member

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    Pretty much just venting here, but if you have some feedback, please feel free, I'm sure I could use it. So, I've been pretty unhappy with my marriage these days. It looks like I've been unknowingly wanting her to change since before we got married (D'oh), but it's been becoming a bigger and bigger issue with me having things stay the same. I'm pretty much dissatisfied with things. Had a bigish talk with the wife last night and she pretty much came out and said she is not interested in making any of the changes that are important to me. We're about 3 1/2 yrs in.

    For example, she doesn't sleep at night (Watches TV) and wakes up about 2-4pm, right before I get home, and does nothing with her days. She can't find a job right now (trust me), but I'm still constantly annoyed she has no motivation or will to do anything unless she 'has to' IE: get up for work. She said even when we relocate, the only way she would ever get up before noon is if she had a job that 'made' her. In contrast - I wake up between 5am and 7am for work every weekday, and around 9am on weekends. I'm always busy with reading, OT, working out, Pimsleur, or whatever else. I don't have enough hours in the day.

    She only has one hobby (diving), and very little college, so the prospect of a real 'career' is still likely years away for her - she doesn't have any real goals defined for the long term. I'm not where I want to be - but still have a full scholarship and a 70k+ job.

    Another big issue for me, she has gone up from 125-130 to about 190 since we got married. She has zero desire to do any sort of physical activity (in retrospect, I guess she never did and her metabolism just changed) - this is another thing I wrongly assumed she would change after seeing how healthy I am, still, I don't want her to be a super model, just back to how she looked when we got married. She is pretty much happy with herself like this. I guess that confidence a good thing - but I'm not at all happy. It's a struggle to still be attracted to her. When we do have sex, it's just because we're married, I would never be interested in her if we weren’t. This sounds pretty harsh, but it's true. In contrast - I'm lifting 4 days a week and running or playing sports the other 3. Physical activity is super attractive and a big part of my life.

    So, for awhile I've just been hanging around hoping she would get passionate about some things in life, decide she doesn't want to be fat, or something, thinking it's just a matter of time before she 'sees the light' - and then she tells me she is content with everything. Whoops.

    I'm just not really sure what to do at this point. She's a very loving person, and has always been super loyal to me. I don't want to lose her - but I'm not sure I can be happy with someone who doesn't seem to have any of the same passions I do - I'm not happy now after all. I don't want to spend another 10 years waiting for a change that’s never coming. I'm just really looking for a third option aside from divorce or sucking it up...but I'm not sure there is one. Thanks for reading. :wavey:
     
  2. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    It appears you judge her behavior and choices as negative and can't accept nor tolerate them. They aren't negative to her, they are who she is and I suspect she is offended by being looked down on. You don't have to accept her, but I wouldn't treat her as though her way is "wrong or bad."

    This can not be repaired. The lack of compatibility is apparent and you feel far too strongly to accept what you consider unacceptable. It will take awhile but this relationship will end as a result. If it does, it's ok. You're just different people who want different things, and I think you need to see her in that way so that when you do move on, it's peaceful rather than combative.

    There is no third option, but you already know that.
     
  3. GregFarz78

    GregFarz78 New Member

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    If she was that way before marriage she isn't going to change, better off ending it now before you have kids and it only gets worse
     
  4. T-R-T

    T-R-T New Member

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    abort
     
  5. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Have you even talked to her about how you feel?


    Let me guess, no.
     
  6. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    He said this: "Had a bigish talk with the wife last night and she pretty much came out and said she is not interested in making any of the changes that are important to me. We're about 3 1/2 yrs in."

    Not sure if he was direct or passive in the conversation.
     
  7. no lol today

    no lol today Soy la bailarina de la muerta. OT Supporter

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    the man & I recently dodged the marriage bullet because we were already in the situation you described. Very, very similar circumstances.

    Co-dependency. We're now living apart & working on strengthening our individuality. Also working to be more self sufficient by forcing ourselves into situations were we will sink or swim.

    Sink or swim baby, that's the key to engendering the changes. Our engagement sank, but now we're doggy paddling ...
     
  8. deadmeat

    deadmeat Active Member

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    This. My wife and I are divorcing due to exactly this.
     
  9. djshotglass

    djshotglass New Member

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    Sounds like it's time for a divorce. When you threaten to divorce her I bet you she'll change her tune. Some people just don't know what they have until it's gone. She's gotten too comfortable because she thinks you won't do anything to challenge her.
     
  10. 7960

    7960 New Member

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    get out before you have kids or significant investments to divvy up.
     
  11. Diesel66

    Diesel66 My standards for women is like rent-a-centers stan OT Supporter

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    sweet, a fat unemployed lazy wife.
     
  12. djshotglass

    djshotglass New Member

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    why did you marry her in the first place?
     
  13. 9c1 driver

    9c1 driver New Member

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    You also should consider if you have another more in depth talk about this with her she may be willing to change what you are unhappy with ,knowing that she will lose you, but would you be happy with her changing just for the sake of losing you?
     
  14. sportsjunkie

    sportsjunkie OT Supporter

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    marriage was the wrong step :hs:

    maybe you need to tell her harshly since she obviously doesn't get her marriage is in danger...hate to say it, but it's time for an ultimatum. Maybe you two can try counseling :dunno:

    I could never be with someone like your wife who has no aspirations in life and wakes up at 4 pm :ugh: let alone has no job. i'm assuming there aren't any children, because then you'd be a wreck :o it's early, get out while you can
     
  15. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    That was all you needed to actually post.

    As far as what to do...if you don't have kids, end it. She shouldn't have to change to make you happy, and you shouldn't have to change her completely to be happy either.
     
  16. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    I love how the thought of marriage counseling hasn't even been a thought.

    She's clearly depressed and complacent and you don't really know how to talk with her. Before you give up I'd try everything.
     
  17. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    It seemed to me from his post that she was actually satisfied with herself and the way she was. I'm not sure what marriage counseling will accomplish besides two people coming to terms with their differences and realizing they aren't compatible.
     
  18. 7960

    7960 New Member

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    It looks like I've been unknowingly wanting her to change since before we got married ... I'm pretty much dissatisfied with things ... she pretty much came out and said she is not interested in making any of the changes that are important to me.

    Going to be hard to make any progress at counseling with those hurdles.
    Why is she "clearly depressed"? It's also possible she's happy with how she is.
     
  19. teo

    teo . => ? => !

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    Eh?
    Sounds to me like she's depressed. No brain-stimulating hobbies? Ballooning weight? I see apathy, not complacency, in that post.

    If you're not attracted to her any more, she needs to understand that in no uncertain terms. In short, something has to change or your marriage is toast. My vote is for counselling. If she won't go at first, go by yourself.
     
  20. GregFarz78

    GregFarz78 New Member

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    why is she so content with the way things are? is she just one of those women who's only goal is to get married then pack on the pounds and do nothing all day b/c they think the husband won't leave them?
     
  21. THoC

    THoC New Member

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    you made a mistake getting married. you realize this now and it feels too late bc you are married.

    its not. get a divorce and go out and be happy.

    i was in your shoes. thought she would change. never did. still got married. after 2 yrs of marriage (6 yrs total for RS) we split 4 yrs ago.

    the last 4 years have been the best of my life and i now have a RS w. a girl that i am truly happy with.
     
  22. no lol today

    no lol today Soy la bailarina de la muerta. OT Supporter

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    Counseling. Fuck yeah.

    People who are attracted to others who are in a depressed situation usually are having a need fed as well ... maybe the need to help or save? There's a handful of reasons.

    Anyway, if you have real reasons why you feel your relationship deserves more effort, the counseling is absolutely an advisable step. Even if it doesn't work out for the better it can help you arrange a less dramatic end-game. At least you get a 3rd party to see you guys interact, hear you each out & help establish what your priorities are in order to see if you can come eye to eye on matters.
     
  23. CappyStyles

    CappyStyles New Member

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    I've given the counseling thing a chance; she came, didn't really get anywhere - I try to avoid laying down ultimatums and talking about our marriage like I'm ready to end it any second so maybe I didn't express things clearly enough…but I kinda think I did. We also had a pretty sub-par therapist who spent the majority of our sessions talking about nothing. Unfortunately, there are really no alternative therapists here, or I would be willing to give that another shot.

    The other night (prior to the conversation previously referenced :mamoru: ) I explained how I’m pretty much just in a holding pattern here with her – because I want to see how things go back in the ‘real’ world before taking any action with us. That maybe the increased opportunities would make a difference. This is what she was responding to when she told me she does not intend to change once we get back to the states. It’s sort of snapped me out of my illusion and made me consider this stuff now, as opposed to another 6 months down the road.

    I think another issue on my part is a big sense of complacency / guilt / avoiding pain. Things are not a living hell; I just have this sense that I’m never going to be truly satisfied with her unless she really gets on the express lane to success. I also feel very guilty, in that it’s very awkward that she is so happy with me and I’m so dissatisfied – Like I should have seen that this wasn’t going to work and saved her all the pain of a bad relationship – it’s rough knowing how much I would hurt her if things ended. This sometimes convinces me to just ‘be cool’ and roll with it for that night.

    If I’m honest with myself, I’m not seeing how I can do anything but give her an ultimatum at this point. I just don’t feel very good about myself saying what amounts to “Get motivated and healthy or I’m dumping you” –even if it’s explained in great compassionate detail about how our different lifestyles are no longer compatible.

    EDIT: Thanks for responses so far, I appreciate the perspective. :love:
     
  24. THoC

    THoC New Member

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    there is something wrong w. her in my opinion.

    im sorry but if my SO came to me and explained she was not happy with me one of two things would happen:

    1. i make the changes.
    2. i dump her and tell her to find someone she is happy with.

    yet she does neither. she is so happy in her own complacency that your words dont even phase her enough to take an action.


    yes its sucks that you may break her heart, but guess what? in life YOU are #1 (as long as kids are not invloved). if she does not care if you are happy with her why should you stay?

    you may be missing out on someone so much better for you than her, only bc you are now being complaicent with your own happiness.
     
  25. Kev07

    Kev07 New Member

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    how can you be okay with her being okay with your unhappiness :o
     

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