SRS Didn't think I had THAT much anxiety..

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by dman112, Sep 19, 2009.

  1. dman112

    dman112 New Member

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    I thought about posting here and I've read enough on the internet to know that all the reading I do won't do anything unless I actually act on advice. I hope this forum is an OK place to put this, but I just need to vent more than I need advice (although anything is welcome).

    I'm 21 and I've never had a girlfriend. Actually, I've never even held another girls hand. I'm extremely shy but only in certain situations. If someone asked me to make a speach in front of my entire campus, I'd have no problems with it. However, ask me to talk to a girl and it just won't happen. I can truthfully say that I have never shown a girl interest openly until today. This being a result of no self-esteem. I can say however, that I am by no-means ugly. I'm smart, generous, run 3 miles a day, eat right, and have recently started lifting weights. Looking in the mirror at home, I just don't see an ugly person.. in fact, I see a pretty good looking guy; well groomed and well dressed with a huge smile. But on the inside, I some how trick myself into thinking that everyone else thinks I'm ugly. I basically over think it when it comes to girls.

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    There is going to be an international car race at a local race track near by (Grand-Am Rolex event, though that doesn't matter). The admission fee is $58 to enter the grandstands and watch. I was told that sometimes the local Smiths store sells coke bottles that offer coupons that will lower the admission fee to only $10.. This is where my story begins.

    There was nothing on my mind other than getting cheap tickets to the race. I rolled up to the local Smiths and proceeded to the doors where I saw a very cute girl in front standing behind a beige hard plastic rectangle fold out table with papers with info and a large plastic clear bucket that was filled with different denominations of money which I knew were donations for whatever her cause was. I gave her a quick glance and tried to see what her display was about. As I was walking infront of her, she gave me a half smile and said something along the lines of "hey, how are you doing?" as a form of greeting. I was however on a mission to get some coupons so I didn't stop but instead replied with a "hey".

    I get inside and see no coupons on any of the coke bottles. So I decide to pick up a bawls energy drink just to get something to sip on. The whole while, I was thinking about the girl in the front and how cute she was. I get out of checkout and crack the can and take a sip before leaving the front doors. I was determined to atleast talk to this girl even if it wasn't about me showing interest in her particular (although I wanted to). I had butterflies in my stomach and they were aching to fly out; they felt more like dragon flies.

    After I pick up one of the papers from her table, I ask her what her thing was about. She says its basically for family services and food donations. I try to think of anything I could ask about it, and asked some redundant question of where would I bring the canned food if I were to donate and she directed toward a large circle canister next to the table. I whipped out a $1 and tossed it into the clear bucket and was on my way after realizing that I was going to puss out.

    I get to my car and I'm doing nothing but thinking about turning around and asking that girl out. At this point my mind is going crazy and thinking about everything at once. I go around the parking lot and circle a McDonalds to come back to the Smiths Parking lot. I sit in my car for about 10 mintues debating on whether or not I should go back and talk to her. After 5 minutes I get the courage to turn the car off and take my seatbelt off. Right when I take my seatbelt off, my heart felt like it was going to jump out. So I wait another 5 mintues until I open the door and it starts up again. At this point.. I say "fuck it" and leave my car behind.

    I see her standing behind the table with a few guys infront (looked like kids from high school) stacking 24 packs of bottled water next to her as a display. I was tempted to just walk inside as if I just forgot to purchase something, but no, I marched up to her and looked her in the eyes.

    It took a bit before something made it out from my mouth.
    "I had to come back.."
    "Don't take this the wrong way, but how old are you?"

    "18. I just graduated."

    "Ah.. from high school?"

    "yeah."

    -Fingers on the table to try and steady my rocking knees.. " I'm sort of ssssshhhhhyyyyyy..."
    -Looking at her- -...moments go by..
    "Do you have a boy friend?"

    "yeah! he just got back from his mission."

    "fuck." "i'm realllyyyy shy......"

    "ohh that's so flattering! I would so give you my number if I were single!"

    "I need to stand here for a second.."

    -roughly 15 seconds go by and I finally say "alright, thanks." and leave.


    I go back to my car and undoubtably have the worst tantrum I've ever had. It was mostly in my mind and alot came out of my mouth. I drove home and can't stop thinking about it. I've always been pretty shy, but I never thought it would be THAT hard to talk to someone and let them know. Looking back, I said some things that were just creepy and I don't even know why I came off as being that way. I didn't even ask her for her name nor did I give mine. I have told my self over and over that, "...that was horrible". It keeps replaying in my mind even if I try not to think about it.

    Some might say that there's a brighter side to this. I finally "broke out of my shell", but if anything, I just made my shell bullet proof. It took me by complete supprise that it was so hard to talk to her. It's never happend before, then again, I've never asked a girl out before. My mind keeps thinking nothing but negative thoughts like a person with no self-esteem would.

    Logically, I can make sense of it all:

    - Got nervous after sitting in the car for 10 mins and way over thought it.
    - Nervousness caused me to stumble and act like a dumbass.
    - She obviously had a boyfriend and was truely flattered, but my mind simply won't accept that she truely was flattered. It keeps forcing itself to think that she only said that to make me feel better.
    - And the just standing there for 15 seconds so my knees could thaw was just weird, but was just obvious anxiety.

    I don't think I'm looking for any type of responce inparticular, I just had to vent... Looking back, I feel truely sorry for myself that I'm going through things that I should have experienced in middle school. relocating alot when your younger sucks. fuck. Thanks for reading tho.
     
  2. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Care,for all is like a bonsai tree
    The problem is resolved in 'caring'

    If you were standing next to a bag of trash, you wouldn't become anxious, nervous,shy, paranoid and neurotic, hell afterall its just a bag of trash why would you care? If you do the same thing with a beautifull girl then you won't get nervous anymore. Don't go to a girl with the idea of 'i have to date her, i have to have(sex with) her. All wrong, you have to show you have a life of your own to live. So simply ask questions, like what time is it(forget your watch on purpose) and when a convo tends to die out, ask more questions. Just go for 'experience' and in time you will learn how to deal with woman.

    Oh yeah and read the Don Juan Bible, http://www.jbspencer.com/djb/ its a treasure when it comes to dating.
     

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