SRS Depression problems with boyfriend of 2 years

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Hazyheath, Feb 26, 2006.

  1. Hazyheath

    Hazyheath New Member

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    I have been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years. We have had small falling outs like every couple. We took a break a couple months ago which lasted 10 hours due to problems with me going to school. We worked all of it out rather quickly and have been better than ever. The past couple weeks have been great. He surprised me at school by showing up randomly at my class, got me a large spa package for v-day and my birthday in 2 weeks and in a month his cousin is getting married and we booked the hotel 2 days ago. Now this morning he breaks up with me. This caught me very much off gaurd since he has been treated me way too well. He was saying it was him and hes confused and cant really put it into words. I eventually got out that he is upset about his job. he works 5 hours a day 5 days a week at a low wage. Can barely afford his car insurance and cant afford health insurance. He has been trying to get a new job forever and is not getting calls back. He wants to get me and him nice things and hes upset that he cant and thinks he never will. He also is upset because he lives with his parents when he is going to be 24 in 2 months (im going to be 21 in a week and a half) He has been pretty sick lately, not sleeping, headaches stomaches constantly. So pretty much, hes depressed. Everyone i talk to says the same thing. I think he just didnt know what was wrong and panicked and had to do something and the first thing in his mind was to brek up with me. I think i sparked something while talking to him because he didnt really know why he was upset. He wants me to go to the wedding with him including the hotel, he wants me to keep his stuff, and to go to the spa and in fact he wanted to drive me to the spa so he obviously still has feelings for me. He also said that we will work something out in a few days
    I know he doesnt know hes depressed and I dont know how to confront him about it. I am giving him some space whether he wants it or not now. BUt i would like to confront him in a couple days. I just want him to talk to anyone whether its me, his parents, a friend just anyone. I also want him to find a hobby. Im just not sure how to say it without sounding critizing or to make him run away and be in denial. And I would like to be with him and I would talk to him. Just let me know what you think about everything and the best way to tell him

    ps. i dont live too close to him. I go to school an hour away and come home on wed and the weekends to see him so im not sure if i can talk in person.
     
  2. johan

    johan Active Member

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    First tell me whether you want to be with him.

    And second, what if he never got a better job or position in life (relatively) would you be ok with that. Be honest.
     
  3. Hazyheath

    Hazyheath New Member

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    Yes I want to be with him and I just want him to be happy with his job. Money isnt too much of a problem for me and he would be fine mentally and finnancially if it was 40 hours instead of 25.
     
  4. dave steel

    dave steel My Kung Fu is the best.

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    If I had a job that only consisted of 25 hrs. per week, I'd also get a 40 hr. job doing anything so that I might have a living wage to subsist on. Why doesn't he take on more work.
     
  5. Hazyheath

    Hazyheath New Member

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    The problem is he has been looking and no one is calling and they place he is at is having bad business and wont give him more hours. He asks for them all the time. He just decided to talk to me and I am talking to him about it and he seems to be taking it ok. He is just going to see how tomorrow goes first. I also told him to look for any full time job as a starting point to help build up financially while looking for something he enjoys. (He is a computer technician). Also I was depressed back in high school
     
  6. dave steel

    dave steel My Kung Fu is the best.

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    He can't get a job at target or starbucks, etc.?
     
  7. Hazyheath

    Hazyheath New Member

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    He's been there and done that. It would bring in less than where he is at now. They pay hourly and its a decent entry wage but at 25 hours its not enough. He wants something where he can get established so he can start settling down and get his life started
     
  8. Hazyheath

    Hazyheath New Member

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    I am so confused. He is still trying to figrure things out. Hes not sure how he feels about me even tho he knows he cares about me. He wants me to keep all of his stuff (which is alot) and he wants to be like best friends with me. I tole him that i wil be here while hes deciding and thinking but im not going to do it for long. He needs to decide how he feels about me. If he does want to be with me, I am going to have a long talk about some issues, including being able to talk to me about everything he is feeling. I will also tell him it will take some time to fully trust him with my heart. If he decides he doesnt want to be with me, I told him that he will need to back up and leave me alone for a while and when I am ready to be friends ill come to him but we would be starting from scratch. I just dont know what to do becuase it is hurting me so much right now.

    He has really gotten bad. He thinks hes a total failure. I am trying to talk to him to show him hes not and trying to get him to talk to his family.
     
    Last edited: Feb 26, 2006
  9. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    What i want you to do is to just be there for him and support him, maby you can find a job for him by some coinsidence, and try to motivate him to get that job, and don't expecting much positive response from him because he is depressed, you just have to basically kick him into getting a better job, and bring him back into living a normal decent life for him again.

    You see he's ashamed. Because he feels he doesn't earn enough, and therefore he can't live up to your expectation (this expectation is that a guy is supposed to be able to support a girl financially) this is his big problem, because he hasn't been so succesfull with financial situation and job oppertunities, just tell him that 'persistance is the key to succes in life' , that will hopefully make him realise that he must want things 'bad' enough, it might be that his initial efforts weren't in line with the reality of the situation, maby you are better into getting a job oppertunity for him then he himself. Tell him that regardless of his financial situation you are in love with him , and that he doesn't have to worry about that you are thinking lower of him any of because of that.
     
  10. Hazyheath

    Hazyheath New Member

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    Thanks, thats what I am trying to do. Right now I am trying to get him to find some good characteristics about himself things hes good at and likes and I am going to make a list of them all and give them to him. Hes having some problems with it but hes got some. I talked to him about his job and he said he will go to the library tomorrow. I am going over there later so i think i will bring him the classifieds with some suggestions to get him started. My dad is also calling an old friend who was a solo computer repair technician to see what would be required for him to do something like that.
     
  11. Hazyheath

    Hazyheath New Member

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    I am a complete wreck. I have been talking to him alot and he seems to be doing better. It is just completely draining for me. He said he will think about us and give me an answer in a day or 2 . It just bothers me because i never doubt loving him. I dont know if it is just everything hes going through or what. I just don't know what to think. I am also back at school and just so distracted. He is constantly talking to me. I was over at his place for like half an hour last night. He gave me a kiss on the forehead. I just want to know what he is thinking about us. Im so confused and can't think or anything.
     
  12. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    Get him to be blunt.

    It is possible that he feels ashamed to be a loser in your eyes, hence the breakup. What an idiot, but if u can forgive him his idiocy, go make him open up.
     
  13. Hazyheath

    Hazyheath New Member

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    Just want to let everyone know that we are back together. He pretty much got so confused that he started making bad desicions. We have things to work out but it will be ok. Thanks for the help.
     
  14. Cerridwen

    Cerridwen Guest

    I think dealing with a SO with depression must be a VERY hard thing to do. I have so much respect for my husband to be able to deal with me (honestly) during my darkest times.
    The thing that he does that I appreciate the most, is just having patience with me. Asking me if there's anything he can do, but patience is the biggest thing. He no longer gets angry and stays strong and supportive now, which helps me tremendously.
    :hug:
     

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