SRS Dependency?

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Laserbeak, Aug 8, 2008.

  1. Laserbeak

    Laserbeak Remember kids! Be like Billy! BEHAVE YOURSELVES!

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    I don't know if I'm having trouble distinguishing the difference, but as far as I feel, being dependent on anyone is a sign of weakness.

    From what I read and see in my own life, when people are flirting or dating or whatever, they always have some reason to write someone off because of some nit-picky reason (doesn't make enough money, not enough dating/sexual experience, dependency issues, etc), and this has completely turned me off from the whole aspect of going out with anyone. It makes me think that people are overall just incredibly selfish and shallow, and only let people hang around with them as long as they have some functional use they can benefit from. I'm tired of having to be exposed to people like this, and I'd rather instead devote my life to people and causes that matter (e.g. family and helping those in trouble or less fortunate). I'm polite, courteous, and friendly to single females, but I take their attention or any indicators of interest with a grain of salt, since so many of them end up having problems being themselves, and turn out to not be what they seem. Frankly, I'd rather waste my life doing something worthwhile and living it to the fullest in that way versus wasting time and emotion with people that like to play smoke and mirrors. Things like going out drinking or clubbing just come off as such as waste to me. Unfortunately, people don't bother reading into it, and conclude that it's a real elitist POV.

    I'm good at what I do, and I help a large amount of people in the process, but my happiness comes from being able to make a difference in people's lives since my entire life until a few years ago was poverty and suffering within my family. The remaining members of the family just collectively busted our asses to get out of the hole we were in. I also get happiness from being able to do well in what I do. Once those I'm caring for in whatever capacity look like they're doing well, I don't bother with looking for recognition, and quietly move on to the next challenge before they get a chance to thank me. The feeling I get here is more of a my job is done, and now that they're happy, I know I'm not in their future, so it hurts less if I just disappear without a trace, rather than live with the fact that they'll be happier than I am, and not wanting to steal their thunder to make myself feel happy, because I interpret that as being selfish and not considerate of what others are going through.

    There seems to be such a big deal made out of being dependent on others, and it's made me believe that you basically have to be this lone wolf ubermensch in order to get with anyone for the long haul.

    Even if I were to ever get with someone, I wouldn't want to be dependent on her, but I would want her to be able to depend on me if she was in need, or any children or whatever.

    I'm equating this as any degree of dependency = needy = weak = undesirable. Do you have to come across as some kind of perfect being in order to get people to like you? Ever since I was young, it's like people have always held me to be at a higher standard than that of my peers, and so it's like I have to be this iconic figure of whatever, or else I'm just "not worthy" (and all the associated treatment that comes with it) because I'm not living up to expectations.

    It makes me wonder if this is the feeling that people get when others put them on a platform.

    Thoughts?
     
    Last edited: Aug 8, 2008
  2. teep

    teep New Member

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    everyone should have some degree of independence, but relationships by nature require you to put yourself out on a limb, so to speak (at least the serious ones). have you never been in a relationship before? it tends to not work out so well when one person stays completely guarded the whole time.

    complete neediness/dependence is unattractive. in fact i pride myself on being able to stand on my own two feet. but i have to say it's nice to have someone you can depend on too. it's nice to just have someone there for you. good relationships are based on being there for each other not just one person being completely dependent on the other. i feel like that's when resentment starts to build up and it only goes down hill from there.
     
  3. zatotheck

    zatotheck New Member

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    So you're saying dependency should be more acceptable yet you will never be dependent on someone else?
     
  4. Cthalupa

    Cthalupa New Member

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    I hate feeling dependent as a concept, but I'm in a relationship where going even a day without talking makes me miss her badly, and does the same for her. We're both pretty dependent on each other, but things work out very well between us. We know we can rely on each other, so we've basically just sort of switched the independence we had to support for the other person, and use that support where we gave up some independence. It's definitely been the best relationship of my life, and I didn't hesitate to ask her to marry me when I realized that it was what I really wanted - and she didn't hesitate to say yes.

    So some dependency isn't bad.
     
  5. Laserbeak

    Laserbeak Remember kids! Be like Billy! BEHAVE YOURSELVES!

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    It would be nice, but I fear that having or showing even a shred of needs would have me labeled as needy. My feelings on this subject is that in my life, expectations are that I have to be completely independent, strong, on top of it all, and yet still have to take care of everyone around me, my own needs be damned. If I show that I have needs, then I'm needy, and therefore weak, undesirable, and not worthy of being loved since I'm no longer appealing. Whenever I've shown that I have a need I'd like to have fulfilled, I get told that I need to (more or less) pull myself up by the bootstraps and essentially act like an emotionless soldier that puts everyone before himself, as that's what a real man should be. Anything less is pretty much treated as emofag territory, and people are quick to point out that there's something wrong with me, and the rest is history after that.

    Being needy has turned into a death certificate on personality and social life if people notice you are and start talking. I would like to be loved by someone and have them fulfill my needs, but I don't know if it's worth it if I end up being treated like some kind of mental freak-show that should get on happy pills.
     
    Last edited: Aug 9, 2008
  6. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Care,for all is like a bonsai tree
    Its important to create possibilities for yourself, if you turn down girls too fast then basically you aren't giving yourself a possibility to be with someone. Every person has things that aren't likeable, its not the intention that you allow someone in your life who destroys you aka using drugs,abusive etc, its a balance, put your standards too high and you'll never get someone, put them too low, and you'll get trash, being able to allow a normal girl into your life should be just right.

    YES you are right, it is shallow and selfish for other people to only wanting to be with you if you have some sort of functional useage in their lives, however in order not to become lonely i found out that this is the price you have to pay, the question remains: are you willing to pay for it? A relationship is a sacrifice in that sense in both giving and taking. If you are honest to yourself you are putting demands on the girl yourself too.
     
  7. Cthalupa

    Cthalupa New Member

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    You've been reading too much PUA material. You don't want to appear as some sort of needy person without value to a girl - but you also don't want to be some sort of machine that is inhuman.

    The point of not appearing needy is to show that you bring something to the table in the relationship. You can do this and still have needs of your own.
     
  8. Laserbeak

    Laserbeak Remember kids! Be like Billy! BEHAVE YOURSELVES!

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    That's the weird part, I've never read any of that, this has just been the result of people that I've hung around with (peers, etc.).

    Damn, I guess the kind of people I've hung around with ended up acting more interested in flings rather than relationships, and it's polluted my way of thinking. :sad2:
     
    Last edited: Aug 11, 2008
  9. KSNIPPY

    KSNIPPY As lost as i get i will find you

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    that last part you said really sticks out to me and i havent really realized this until recently because the current relationship im in is kinda like that. i feel like im more dependent on her than she is of me and its starting to aggravate me...guess another story for another time
     

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