Hey can anyone share their experiences with jealousy? Long story about my relationship: My story is im in college and I have a really serious girlfriend, we have been together for about a year and a half and everyone we knows us thinks we're gonna get married, have kids, live happily ever after, etc (lol). And while almost everything in our relationship is perfect there is something that fucking kills me on the inside and it causes alot of problems for us on the outside. When we first met I knew she had a reputation as easy and fun so I kind of stayed away from her/ didnt find her all that attractive but we hung out with the same people so I saw alot of her. One night we met up really randomly and spent the whole night thizzing (ecstasy) our brains out together and while it was drugged out it was one of the best nights of my life and we didnt even have sex Right after that night I went on a vacation with family and right when I got back she left for a month to visit her grandma and sister in cali. We were both sad because this pretty much killed the chance of us really getting to know eachother and maybe starting something, but we continued to talk alot and flirt back and forth over the phone for that whole month and a half. I had heard from mutual friends that she was hooking up with alot of guys over there and showin up places with hickies all over her neck etc. I knew this and confronted her, I told her there is no reason to lie to me because were not even togther, it didnt really hurt me at the time either. But, she just denied it and tried to keep me blind to it. When we were both in the same state again we tryed a short lived relationshiip that I realise I was far more commited too and consequently got used for my car, money, and drugs. She would treat me like shit, then deny everything, and get me to stay with her by saying she loved me. I found out later that her infidelity was to the point where she was telling me she wasnt with someone and then 5 min later she was fucking someone. She ended up breaking it off with me despite the fact that I gave her everything and was treated like shit in return. At that I said "fuck the fat bitch" and moved on with my life, even starting a new relationship with a mutual friend of ours. Then a few months later we met up again and it had been long enough that there wasnt alot of charged feeling behind it (for me). She on the other hand was quite jealous that I was with someone else and so she tried to make me feel the same by flirting with one of my friends. Eventually she quit it and just asked me for a ride to a friends apartment, Im really not sure why I said yes but I did and we started talking about all manner of things including why she broke up with me. She claimed that she knew deep down she was treating me terribly and her actions were because she thought she wasnt good enough for me so she made sure she wasnt good enough for me by being an easy tramp. Once she started to reveal the "truth" about how many guys she got with and when, I felt comforted because she was honest but it was my first taste of the sickening sense of inadaquecy I was beggining to feel. We started to get really close after that day and she spent the next month trying to get me to be with her again and show me that things had changed and she was ready to show how much she loved me. I, honestly, was completely enchanted and began to actually fall in love with her. We started a relationship that people called "a true love story" and other corny shit. Foolishly, I trusted that she was completely devoted to me and didnt even think to check up on her when she was "at a party with her friends" and "wasnt doing anything". it was only when I really fell in love with her again that I started to feel like absolute shit about being lied to and tricked so many times. She always refused to have sex with me when we were together before "because she didnt want me to abandon her",yet she had fucked almost 10 other guys when we were together. What was wrong with me that made her do this, what did I have to be to be accepted by her sexually. I am a year younger than her and almost all the guys she got with were years older than both of this. This kills me on the inside, there seems to be nothing I could do to match up to these nameless faceless enemies. I began getting bitter, vindictive, and constantly suspicious. Yet, she promised to me over and over again that that kind of behaviour was over and she would never cheat on me again. I said I believed her but I didnt. i started reading her text messages and going through her shit looking for evidence of what might have happened. And i found it. My girlfriend has this stupid fucking list of all the guys shes had sex with and the date on which they fucked. I hate this list and i hate everyone on it (sometimes myself included). I read every entry, every "huge cock" note, or "great sex!" note, everything. I looked at the end of the list expecting to see my name but, lo and behold I was not the last name on the list. She had done it again after she promised it would never happen. I instantly blew up. I got so mad at her, and myself. I was ashamed that I was so in love with someone who would do this to me over and over again. I was disgusted with how weak I was to be chosen second over so many other men. I wanted to cry. I said "I told you if this happened again and you werent honest about it were done" she just became a ball of tears and apologees, she claimed didnt tell me because it already happened a while ago (but still after she promised to be faithful) and she didnt want me to leave her. Of course, I said it was okay and took her back because we are in love. I really love her with all my heart and I know she does too because I know with high certainty that she hasnt cheated since including a period where I was gone for 2 months, she didnt screw anyone else. But this is where the real problems stem from. Now, despite the fact that she has been honest for quite some time now I am still stuck in the hurt and uncertainty that came from her actions. I am always suspiscious of where she is going, who she is with, who she thinks is hot (and every reason why), whether she is drunk or not, who she is flirting with, etc . It drives me insane., I though I was an aggressive person before all this happened. Now I am notorious for being a hyper-vigilant guard of her. Ive knocked out numerous people who honestly werent even coming strongly onto her. They are talking about how good she looks with there homies, getting to close to her when they talk, or just looking at me or her wrong. I get threatened just by the fact that I know a guy is Alaina's is type, ive honed in on her "type" of guy. I now have a bit of a chiwawa complex where because she is attracted to the big, strong, tough, average looking white guys I will start shit with guys like that routinley. Im not small (180 6'0) but these guys frequently are bigger and stronger than me and I only get through the tussle by being a feroscious attacker and instigator. Also sometimes I get really, really verbally abusive about who she used to be before and how she treated me and all manner of shit. I cant get it out of my chest. Its like the rising feeling you get in your body when someone hits you unexpectedly or embarrases you, it something that you genuinely feel in your whole body. I get it when Im reminded at all of alainas past sex life including pictures, old friends trying to contact her, anything. Sometimes I fear it will never go away and I often blame her for ruining a relationship that is almost perfect. Her side now is that it isnt fair because she hasnt done it in a long time and there seems to be nothing she can do to sate my rage. I tell her 1) there is, you can stop talking to other guys period, stop partying, etc which i know is not fair and not how a person lives a life and 2) It also isnt fair to be fucked over as many times as she did me and that if she really wants to be with me she has to accept the consequences of her actions. Cliffs: Holy shit this is long and boring but what I was going to ask of the vaginarium is: what are you experiences with infidelity? how has it affected you? and most of all how can you learn to forgive and overcome it. I never used to be the jealous, insecure, ass that I am at times now. But, I have gotten better in the last few months but I cant help but resent her for all of this.