Declining Sex Lives

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by Saisonex, Jul 1, 2008.

  1. Saisonex

    Saisonex New Member

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    Backstory: The SO and I have been dating for almost 3 years now. We are both in our mid 20s and have been sexually active for a large percentage of the time that we've been dating. As is common I'm sure, the "honeymoon" era of the sex and relationship was wonderful - though it usually always is.

    This time-frame lasted around a year to a year and a half, but since then the sex and concurrently the relationship have been in a somewhat steady decline. Whereas we might have had sex a few times a week that was both passionate and adventurous back then, now we go for weeks at a time between with mostly little interest until one of us is near climax. She's explained that it's natural for women to begin to lose some interest in sex by our age, and that it isn't me or our relationship that causes this. I don't voice this opinion in a rude/uncaring way, but this seems more an excuse than anything else. I'm a very sympathetic, loving guy and always invest plenty of time into making sure she's happy and attempt to appeal to her intimate side. After reading/lurking in Vag for a while, I realize that she could simply be bored because I'm treating her as I am. Her previous relationships haven't been with the greatest of men, and I'm beginning to think that though she's stated she wants a gentleman, what really interests her is someone that doesn't necessarily treat her well.

    Sex is a very important/healthy part of a relationship, and the lack of it and/or passion in it leaves a hole as well contributing to me doubting our future. I've always been the first to try and talk through problems, but she insists it isn't a problem but a logical progression of events. Where to go from here is a mystery to me. I really want to stay with her, but I'm beginning to lose interest in our relationship due to this (and yes, she's aware of it). Life is short; I refuse to spend it in mediocrity when what we had was so much more.

    (And no, she isn't the sort to cheat. Besides this, we live together and if it were happening it would have to be masterfully hidden for me to see traces of it.)

    In summary: Is a decline in a couple's sex life normal? Should I accept mediocrity or begin to look elsewhere?
     
  2. Saisonex

    Saisonex New Member

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    This is where a lot of my frustration comes in. Any sort of "spice" I try to add to the relationship seems to hinder more than help, be it of the naughty variety or more romantic. The latter seems to be more her thing, but it still is no solution.
     
  3. Yail Bloor

    Yail Bloor OT Supporter

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    how active are you?
     
  4. ACLdestroyer

    ACLdestroyer OT Supporter

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    First of all women generally get more easily aroused as they get closer to 30-40, not less.


    Second, If this is a issue for you then you need to first realize that it is not wrong or abnormal of you to want to fuck your gf. If she cannot show you the affection you need then you shouldnt feel bad at all about giving her an ultimatum or flat out dumping her.

    This is not anything you should feel bad about. Shes your gf, if she doesnt wanna fuck you at this age then she never will. Get out while its simple/
     
  5. jmezz

    jmezz layin in bed stretchin my pumped quads for hours

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    wat
     
  6. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    :rofl: @ her saying women her age lose interest in sex. She's only getting closer to her sexual prime. That basically translates to "I am bored with our sex life." But you already know this...This thread has been done quite a bit (hell, there's another one right here on the first page) so I decided to do some searching for those threads:
    http://forums.offtopic.com/showthread.php?t=3611969
    http://forums.offtopic.com/showthread.php?t=3337999
    http://forums.offtopic.com/showthread.php?t=3754255

    You have to sometimes work to make your sex life great, the same way people have to work to make a marriage work. You need to speak to her about this. How her sexual desire declining is total bullshit and you both need to try to spice it up OR just start trying different things on your own. It's only if she says she doesn't want to work on your sex life that you need to dump and move on. If she's not willing or desiring to make your sex life hot then you can find another girl who will care about your relationship more than that and is willing to put in effort.
     
  7. chlywly

    chlywly Active Member

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    Definitely NOT natural to lose interest in sex by that age, sounds to me like this is the usual taking one another for granted problem. Do you live separate lives? give each other lots of space? go out with your own friends separately? do you still take her out, romance her? do you guys connect and have meaningful conversations, or are you simply in a rut of 'hanging around one another' .... and only talking about how your day went.

    Does not necessarily mean she's bored with your sex life, sounds more like she's bored with you...... For sexual attraction to exist; there must be some form of distance between you, boundaries..... healthy ones. Then you must interact in a healthy way.
     
  8. Elphaba

    Elphaba New Member

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    Could you explain this a little more? What have you tried and in what way did it seem to "hinder" your sex life? Did she really start having sex with you less because of these efforts?

    Also, I agree w/ the other that have said that her sexual desire has NOT declined b/c of age. If her desires have really declined, there has to be another reason. After being in a LTR for 3 years, things can get boring (see my response to the other thread about this same subject) and who desires something thats boring? Nobody.
     
  9. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

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    is she on bc, and if so, how long has she been on the same pill?

    i was on a bc that just slowly killed my sex drive (i was on the wrong one obviously) and it was frustrating for me too that i didnt have that drive anymore

    does she care that she doesnt have the drive? or does she just say oh well?

    i agree with others that say that possibly since you live together and chances are your life is very routine that the "romance" is out of the relationship. you might spend a lot of time together, but there might be very little time actually spent focusing on each other. try setting up weekly date nights. you dont have to spend much or any money on this either. pick a night where you will make dinner together and leave the tv off and dont answer the phones. or go hang out at a bar and get a couple drinks and then come home and see where it takes you.
     
  10. Vysion

    Vysion New Member

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    Women aren't sexually attracted to gentlemen.

    This happens to a lot of people. All my married friends say they don't get sex nearly as much as they did before they got married and started living together. I've never been married but I lived with a girl once and she completely stopped having sex because she said she didn't like it. If she didn't like it why after we broke up and moved apart did she have sex with all the guys she met after me? It was an excuse to say that she just wasn't sexually attracted to me anymore.

    I can't tell you what to do, but you are correct about your 2 options. You either need to accept mediocrity or you need to start looking elsewhere. And ironically if you do break it off with her, there is a possiblility that she'll be crawling back and the sex will back the way it was before.
     
  11. ausguals

    ausguals New Member

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    I'm pretty sure I learned in sex ed that as a woman gets older (like up until 30-40 years depending on the woman) her sex drive INCREASES as a males decreases. I could be wrong, but I'm positive I heard that somewhere. Also, since the 18-20 range is where many girls lose their virginity, I don't see how that would be the time in which they lose interest in sex. (I'm not sure if that makes sense to anyone but me.)


    Working out helps increase sex drive. Is she on birth control? That may also be the problem for her.

    I don't think its an issue of looking elsewhere. I think it's an issue of you two working it out.
     
  12. Punky72

    Punky72 New Member

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    I think after the "honeymoon" stage of a relationship the amount of times you have sex decreases from almost daily to 1-3 times a week due to life in general (work, kids, friends, stress, ect)...however I don't agree with the sex drive itself decreasing. I'm 36 and my sex drive just keeps INCREASING as I get older.

    I tend to agree with the majority here and think maybe she is bored, on medication that decreases the sex drive, or something deeper is going on.
     
  13. CaiWooBlue

    CaiWooBlue New Member

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    The only reasons that I would see that she is ACTUALLY experiencing a decline in sexual interests are reasons that have been mentioned, or most have.

    Birth Control Pills
    Depression
    Medications (many DO cause a decrease in sexual desire)
    Have you had a serious pregnancy scare?
    How good is her self esteem? If it is low, other contributing factors may lead to it, but if what you are saying is true, this wouldnt be on your part.

    Otherwise I would say she is losing interest in your relationship as a romantic entity in her life. Doesnt mean she doesnt love you, she may not even realize that she is seeing you as less than a lover and more as a friend. It happens.
     
  14. ACLdestroyer

    ACLdestroyer OT Supporter

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    See post #7 if you dont understand.
     
  15. Elphaba

    Elphaba New Member

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    I'd still really like to know the answer to this question....

    I'm genuinely confused as to how any efforts (romantic or otherwise) have actually stalled the process...
     
  16. Saisonex

    Saisonex New Member

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    As am I.


    Thanks for the advice and comments all. I think there's a good deal of truth in it. I apologize if my posts weren't as detailed as you might have wished. At this point I need to take a few weeks to sort through all of this and decide where I'm going from there. To be perfectly honest, the past year of the relationship has been hard on me and a definite blow to my self confidence. I need change, and I think I'm going to have to just explain this to her with an ultimatum (rather say wake-up call) of sorts. Unfortunately, I'm pretty terrible with break-ups, and I'm rather afraid of going through another one.
     
  17. enfiniti

    enfiniti How firm thy friendship ... OHIO!

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    as has been said, you will be limp long before a woman natually loses her labido. I would just dump her now, any "girlfriend" so nieve to her mans stated desires is worthless as a girlfriend. Ask yourself what she is contributing to your relationship
     
  18. BATMANs

    BATMANs New Member

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    Watch the Spanish channel and behave like the men there.

    Bottomline, give her a little drama.

    And make it all good with sex....
     
  19. Marix

    Marix OT Supporter

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    Have a look at my thread (still on the first page) because I am/was in a similar situation.

    My g/f and I don't have sex very much.. down to once a week where it used to be 2-3x a day. Now we're both kinda bored of the relationship.

    I'd say that although sex isn't central to the relationship, it IS important. A declining sex life is a VERY good indicator of a declining relationship. Unless you want to end up in the same boat as me, I'd try my best to deal with it NOW.

    Spice things up. Take her away on holiday if you can. Have a shower or bath together. Start things out with a massage then give her oral and a few orgasms. Don't just do missionary for 10 minutes and then finish.

    Make her WANT it again and you will start to do it more often.
     

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