SRS Decided to go back on Depression Medication [Rant]

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by black pearl, Jan 21, 2007.

  1. black pearl

    black pearl New Member

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    I don't know whether it's bad luck, or it's just me anymore at this point. I am severely depressed. It began a few months ago when I found out that my ex-boyfriend had left me for someone else's affections. I was devestated, but knew in my heart that I can do and deserve better. I tried to move on, dating other people which all ended in even more depressing endings. I try to be the best person I can be. Being polite to others even when they're aren't particuliarly kind to me. Just trying to be the best human being in my power. I went into the party scene, partying almost every night. Eventually I grew out of it and decided to use my powers to focus more on work and school. School only keeps me occupied for so long .. and work has also become a place of depression for me at this point because I'm in a situation whereas I filed a sexual harrassment and slander suit against one of my coworkers for causing a situation at work. I try my best to focus hard, and not let these issues bother me, and I don't know whether it's karma or God testing me, but some dumb issue always arises. If I don't focus on something to keep me occupied, I go into this horrible depressed state. I don't believe in crying anymore because I end up getting these horrible headaches. And I don't believe in entrusting my pain to other people because my trust has been betrayed by people who say they love me most. Other than reading my bible and working on my art, I don't find any comfort whatsoever in anything. I even find myself to the point of bawling and crying, yet my inner strength stops me, because I refuse to. I decided to go back on my depression medication, although some part of me feels it's not the best decision, it's the right one. I feel horrible stupid and dumb for even writing this rant just because I KNOW I have a good life. I have a family that loves me, friends that do care for me [although our busy lives seperates us at times], a good job, and i'm going to school. I know in my heart and mind that I have no right to complain and be sad in comparison to other people who are in terrible situations they cannot get themselves out of. I feel like a selfish spoiled brat who can't even appreciate her life ... I do .. but I don't know why the hell I feel so depressed. I don't know whether I need a kick in the ass or a pep talk, but should I do? The bible, art, and my family is my only comforts in life ... they are the reasons why I live and why I decide not to hurt myself. But what do you do what you're in the horrible state of depression? somebody please give me a kick in the ass ..
     
  2. FredricaBimmel

    FredricaBimmel Great big fat person

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    I've felt like you have before. You seem to realize what the deal is. Don't bull shit yourself.

    Just take the medication and try and feel better. You might feel like a piece of shit now, but just think about the future. I know that's cliche, but think about it. Ten years from now you will look back on this and thing it wasnt as bad as you thought.

    You mentioned reading the Bible. There are many many stories in there that describe overcoming feelings and situations of absolute destitute. Keep reading and don't give up.
     
  3. black pearl

    black pearl New Member

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    I haven't really felt like this in years .. i've been on depression medication since i was 16 ... i nearly killed myself overdosing on a giant bottle of extra strength tylenol .. after i tried to kill myself when i was kid, i knew then what i do now, that life is precious, and just try to make the best of any and every situation .. i tell myself this but i just get sadder and sadder trying to bullshit myself to believe it. i really do need a wakeup call or a kick in the ass ..
     
  4. black pearl

    black pearl New Member

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    honestly ... after being on my depression medication for me, i have a tendency just to feel numb .. issues that arise won't just bother/affect me as much .. and after awhile i hate it because i feel like a total zombie, and i just start feeling nauseous after awhile .. so i have to change medications .. i don't even remember how many different depression medications i've been on, but if it's out on the market i've already used it. [legally of course, and just because my doctor changes my meds after awhile] i've been on paxil zoloft cymbalta bleh ... i believe in using medication until i've overcome my depression, but sadly enough i think i should just stick to it because my depression comes around all the time now ..
     

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