SRS debt vs future

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by WGD87, Aug 5, 2008.

  1. WGD87

    WGD87 New Member

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    What would you do if you were a young lady, a year from graduating college virtually debt free. You had a dream of starting your masters within a year of graduation while working on moving out, and getting a full time job. Some day you had the dreams of getting married, starting a decent sized family, buying a house and if possible being a full time mother or working part time and being a mother if necessary...
    Okay so you meet this guy and he like, is a really amazing guy. He is an amazing guy with some issues. He is 6 years older than you, never went to college, works in a retail store stocking shelves, lives in someones basement and is persistently broke. His car is so questionable he wont let you in it but at the same time doesn't make enough at his current job to even begin to look into something better, or to fix it.
    You know he feels bad about it. You know he isn't a bad guy. He isn't what you think of when you picture "that guy". He is looking for a better job but the economy is shit here unless you have a degree or want to make minimum wage. He had a really decent life going at one time and from how it sounds he got some bad breaks and kind of fell into a rut.
    Here is the thing....
    You have been with this guy a few month now and despite all of that like, you can't picture a better guy as a person. You know he is very smart and if he had the money he would be in college but growing up he dealt with debt in the family and felt college would cost too much and did the whole, work first college later route that doesn't always work so well.
    So you found out a month or so ago about some previous debt. This debt was a sensitive subject to the guy so in the process you took it as some really really high credit card bills he was paying but getting virtually nowhere with. You thought about you future, and could accept it in a way because you could figure out how it could work and the debt could be taken care of.
    Say a couple days ago you found out you had not understood. This debt is collection agencies. This guy has stopped getting bills. You don't even know if he has ANY idea what he owes or how long he hasn't been paying on his debt for. You know its a lot because he told you an amount that was estimated but possibly a lot more than what you were told. You would hope if he had money to give them he would be working on it but it doesn't seem like he is going anything about it. Its like he is pretending it isn't there.
    He says he might have to declare bankruptcy.
    In all honesty you don't know a lot about debt but in your eyes, staying with him, if it were to work out, a lot of your future could change. A lot of hard work to get where you are will only be met by hard work for something you never did to have what you want. Your mother has basically demanded you call off the relationship after finding out but you kind of told your mom to manager her own life and stay out of yours. You are stressed out about it and need to talk to him about it but you don't know what to say.
    I bought a car in high school. I put a few thousand down. I took out a 5 year loan to pay it off and I make fairly decent but not large payments on it. I am almost done paying it off. His debt is more than what my car cost me when I bought it... That I haven't even paid off yet.. Thats like........ Mind blowing to me that in the end he is going to pay all that money like I have the last 4 or so years, and in the end have nothing to show for it really except not owning money and a shitty credit score...
    This is really really bothering me. I think I need to tell him he needs to figure it out and like NOW because he can't just pretend it isn't there. If some day I am going to marry the guy which I realize is thinking ahead by a lot but I mean... I dunno... You have to deal with his shitty credit even if yours is good when that happens. I want him to fix it early off so that maybe.. when one of those life points I have always pictured happens I wont have to jump though hoops financially... But what if he can't afford anything.. I dunno..
    What would you guys think if someone you knew were in my shoes?
    I don't think any less of him because of his debt but maybe it sounds that way?!?!?! It just makes me sad that someone who makes me so happy can kind of make my future harder.... And I don't like that he is sitting on it like that........ Debt just gets worse. If he DOES have to declare bankruptcy maybe he should do it sooner than later?!?!?! I don't know.. If someone can explain this credit stuff to me I would appreciate it..
     
  2. HatSee

    HatSee Active Member

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    If you marry someone with bad credit it will reflect on you, here at least. I had a friend whose mother married a guy who had declared bankruptcy, it totally fucked her credit as well. So who knows, look into how it is where you are.

    But honestly don't you marry people for love, not financial reasons? I might be missing something here.
     
  3. CorpseStreet

    CorpseStreet New Member

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    First off let me say I don't know much about debt. I think you should sit down with him and tell him honestly that he has to get his act together. That you can see yourself with him for the long haul but you have plans for your life and refuse to see them get derailed because he can't be mature with his. I understand that debt can happen to any one but it is his responsibility as an adult to face it. As far as I understand right now the bills he has in collection will stay on his credit report for up to seven years from when they were reported to the collection agencies. He should try getting a second job so he can make payments, any little bit will help. He can also try speaking to creditors and tell them of his intent to file bankruptcy and see if they will help him set up a payment plan. If he decides that he can not handle his debt then it is best to file for bankruptcy sooner rather than later as it can stay on your credit report for up to ten years. There is nothing wrong with filing for bankruptcy, life happens and sometimes you do need that help. It definitely is something he does not want to do lightly. By doing so he will probably ruin his chances of buying a house or car. Make sure he meets with a decent lawyer to determine what kind of bankruptcy to file for. Afterward he should find a company that will help him to re-establish credit.

    I think that you should definitely wait to consider marriage once his credit is in better shape. I am sure there is much more information out there but this is what I understand of the process. I hope I was able to help a little bit. Good luck!
     
  4. WGD87

    WGD87 New Member

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    I told my mom you don't judge someone based on something like that... I guess that is where it kind of stems.... How I was raised... What I was taught to believe... I try not to think like my family does in ways I see as wrong but then it kind of becomes hard to grasp... My family thinks anyone with money is a decent person in a way... Its about looks with them... Thats so dumb.

    It isn't about not marrying someone because of bad credit with me. It doesn't make it feel as easy but he is an amazing person who made some mistakes. I can accept that. Its the whole getting it together and doing something about it thing thats getting me.

    I'm not going to lie, I have a very hard time swallowing all of this. I feel awful for it but it is the honest to God truth so call me a bad person if you want. The point is I love this guy enough to want to take it and deal with it. I don't know how one deals with this situation. I don't know if anyone other than my mom thinks I am dumb for staying with him because I don't think I am dumb for it. Its just frustrating I guess.
     
  5. CorpseStreet

    CorpseStreet New Member

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    I don't think you are dumb for staying with him. His debt doesn't make him a bad person or anything. I get how it can be frustrating because it's seeing some one you care for deeply falter and that is never easy. You just really need to help him see that the time to ignore it is over, not just for your future together but for his own good.
     
  6. WGD87

    WGD87 New Member

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    Thanks for the advice. I agree I need to tell him he needs to figure it out and face up to his mistakes as an adult. I am here to support him in any way I can. I just, the 7 to 10 year thing... Not being able to sign for a car or a house... like... he could be in his mid to late thirties before this is over unless he does something and soon. Who wants to be nearing 40 and like... starting a family not saying that would be the case but its possible because you shouldn't start a family unless you can afford it... I'm sure people do it but its not ideal... at least for me..
    If he starts now, that doesn't have to be an issue.. Even if he gets his debt DOWN to a manageable amount... I mean thats something major...
    I think it just kind of will put me in an awkward spot later is what I am worried about also... I dunno.. It is HIS debt. In the future, there is a possibility I could help him but there is a line drawn with that also.
    I wont make big bucks. If anything happened and my name was on everything.. Thats a horror story....
    But thanks for the debt info. I've looked online also.. It just kind of makes my head spin a little as I sure it does his as well.. I feel kind of bad for him... I know he got himself there but it bothers me like crazy and its not even MY problem...
     
  7. CorpseStreet

    CorpseStreet New Member

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    You are welcome and I have a motivational story for you guys. A friend of mine racked up tens of thousands of dollars in debt. Basically life dealt her many bad cards and she had to raise two children pretty much by herself. Recently she was able to pay off all her debt within about a year by being very smart with her money. She managed to do it by working two jobs, nothing spectacular but she was determined to finally get rid of her debt and did. If she can I am sure your boyfriend can.
     
  8. WGD87

    WGD87 New Member

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    thanks.. that makes me feel better hearing that. :)
     
  9. Maximumjmz

    Maximumjmz New Member

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    You only know him for a few months and now your thinking about the future w/ him and possibly marriage?
     
  10. WGD87

    WGD87 New Member

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    I'm not saying I will marry him. I'm saying if marriage were to happen that problem needs to be in the fixing.. And it just kind of seems like its going to take long enough that I should say something... When I thought it was credit cards I kind of told myself see how it goes and when I get farther in take some steps if it wasn't cleared up but this is a little more than high credit cards.
    Why date someone if it isn't an option in the future? If he is never going to try and fix it.. Which he will at some point but I mean just saying.. Why keep dating him? That would make him very irresponsible. Its easier to try and fix things in the beginning than to try to in the end and fail at it.
    If you dated someone and found out that they had a drinking problem its a problem you don't want in your potential future so you try to fix it.. I guess not only for the future but I mean, its a problem that needs to be fixed.
     
  11. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    Financial security/responsibility is a HUGE factor if you're going to marry someone.

    Don't take it lightly.

    Also, the fact that the debt is a "sensitive subject" is a warning sign...I mean, yeah, you don't advertise it, but how are you going to deal with a problem if you can't even talk about it?
     
  12. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

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    its not that he is a "bad person" because he is in debt, its that he is a different person than you. you never would have let it get that far, and if it had gotten that far, you would have figured your shit out and started working on getting the debt paid off. the debt doesnt worry me, its that he isnt doing anything to solve it.

    my ex was 2 years older than me and did not have his BA, had collection agencies after him and barely made it each month. when i tried to think about our future together, i realized that we had two very different ideas on finances, which would surely cause huge problems later in the marriage. i have excellent credit and he did not, yet if i married him and tried to buy a house, his credit would be considered, which would make it hard for us. not to mention all his debt already.

    he might be a great guy, but financial differences are a big deal. if i were you, i would cut my losses early and walk away. if he gets his shit together in a year or two, he can give you a call. you dont want him to hold you back. and there will be great guys out there who also are financially stable.
     
  13. KatWoman

    KatWoman •••••••••••

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    RUN....FAST! Someone who can't manage their money is :nono: in my book. I dated a guy in college who decided buying toys/gadgets, magazines or booze took priority over paying rent. At the time we dated I was making $6/hr PART TIME, he was making $10/hr full time (this was 14 years ago BTW). He would run out of money before he even had a paycheck in hand. Then he would ask ME to borrow money :ugh:

    I am not so concerned with how much someone makes as I am with how they handle their money and financial affairs. I know of people who make half of what my husband and I make together, but still manage to to pay bills, raise kids etc. Granted they don't have the best stuff, but they keep bills paid and kids fed.
     
  14. RedVsBlue

    RedVsBlue Penguins > *

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    Another reality apparently
    I dont think this can be emphasized enought.
     
  15. jim1234664

    jim1234664 New Member

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    my parents are in the middle of a nasty divorce largely based on money issues.

    like someone else said, make sure he handles his shit BY HIMSELF (encourage him but not financially) before you consider marriage with him.

    you couldnt do yourself a better favor
     
  16. Ford4Life

    Ford4Life Guest

    I think more marriages in this county end because of financial issues rather than things like cheating. You both need to address this upfront before you get into anything.
     
  17. WGD87

    WGD87 New Member

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    I get what you are saying. I see a little bit of this in him but its a little different. The problem is he has been so broke for the last few years that he stopped paying old bills and took on knew ones. So he isn't buying other stuff and not paying his bills. The debt, without going into too much came MOSTLY from having income in the past, getting laid off, a small series of unfortunate events and a lot of piled on debt while being jobless. And then, of course, its sat there... Since I've known him he hasn't really bought anything nice for himself except a pair of work pants.
     
  18. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    Second red flag. First he doesn't want to talk about his debt issue in a mature manner, second, you know he hasn't made any progress on paying it off.

    Guess what happens if you two get married? He'll be nice and let you pay off the debt for him...and that opens up the possibility of him running up other debt for you to pay off for him.
     
  19. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

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    justifying how he got here doesnt matter. its the fact that he isnt doing anything to fix it now (and that he hasnt done anything about it for a few years). he could get a 2nd job, or a 3rd one even. every little bit helps. its good he isnt buying himself nice things, but he also isnt doing anything to make the debt better, he is just not doing anything to make it worse. its a good first step, but the 2nd step, of actually busting his ass to make it go away, seems a bit more important to me
     
  20. Vysion

    Vysion New Member

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    This guy sounds like my mothers ex-bf. When she met him he gave her the "world is against me" story and she fell for it. She kept thinking to herself that this was a great guy but he was just in a "rut". He was working low paying jobs and kept getting laid off. He couldn't afford his child support payments, couldn't afford rent, couldn't afford most things. She thought she could help him out because he was such a great guy and she had fun doing things with him like hiking and such.

    Turns out he was just a lazy bastard that had no ambitions to go out and better himself. She finally kicked his ass out of her place when she would wake up in the morning, tell him to go looking for a job, go to work herself, only to come home and find that he sat on the couch all day watching TV eating her food and enjoying all the things she paid for. Some guys are just plain lazy and don't want to do anything. He had no ambition to succeed or better himself.

    If this guy is in such debt, why hasn't he looked for a 2nd or 3rd job? Why hasn't he tried to find better jobs? Why hasn't he moved into a supervisor or manager position at the job he does have? There are decent jobs out there that don't require a college degree. I personally wouldn't fall for his "the worlds against me" or "I'm in a rut" excuses.

    Make sure you realize that a lazy guy can really drain you emotionally and financially. Don't be love blind.
     
  21. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    Don't get married until finances are under control.

    /thread
     
  22. bimmer318

    bimmer318 I'm out of applesauce

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    I'm not sure...

    If I was in your shoes I would wonder why you would go for a broke guy with no goals if there are hundreds of single guys out there who work, save and support themselves????

    :wtc:
     
  23. KatWoman

    KatWoman •••••••••••

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    Yet another red flag. Rather than taking on new debt he should have paid the old debt down first. I don't see how people can be perpetually broke and have all these odds against them for years on end. Yes, ALL OF US have, or will at some point, get to a low financial point in life, and at that time one should re-evaluate their budget, their spending habits, etc. I have been up to my eyeballs in debt (during my young and stupid years) and I finally got my ass in gear and did what needed to be done to get out of it.

    The guy sounds like he has no motivation and no goals. If he doesnt try anything to get better than hourly wage/retail jobs, I could cut ties and find someone more stable. I don't care how nice someone is. No goals, no drive = :nono:
     
  24. JordanClarkson

    JordanClarkson OT Supporter

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    He doesn't sound like a bad guy. I mean he may not be marriage material right now, but as long as he's intelligent and wants to get a better job, he might be worth working with if everything else is working fine so far.

    If his debt is under 5x his annual salary, then I would not declare bankruptcy. However, it will only affect him and for the next 7 years. Since it's already in collections, the bills likely haven't been paid off for about a year. He can also choose to keep working until he has enough to pay it off minus interest.
     
  25. WGD87

    WGD87 New Member

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    When I said he stopped paying old debt and switched to the new stuff I am talking living expenses and not like, digging himself deeper. I guess that may not be debt so to speak but that was what I meant. He isn't adding to it but he can't afford to pay more.
    He IS looking for better jobs. He has moved between jobs a few times in the last year so he isn't even up for review anyplace to move up. I know he is applying because I am sitting right next to him when he fills out applications. He told me today he went in for an interview for a sales position which hopefully will be better than what he has now. I agree he needs something which is either a better job with more hours or two jobs.
    I'm not planning on marrying him and paying his debt which was the point of this. I don't want to deal with that later... I'm not planning on marrying him anytime soon but I'd prefer not to wait forever either assuming it would work out.
    I dunno I got really sick this week and a bunch of stuff happened. I spent forever driving an hour away and waiting to see a doctor. I didn't feel like dealing with it like I had planned. I want to be clear headed when I talk to him. Also Ive been kind of grumpy because I'm uncomfortable.
    He has goals but no idea how to reach them. I think he lacked motivation for a very long time but has it now.... Before I knew he had a lot of debt..... I probably made him feel like shit on more than one occasion due to how I talked about my goals, motivation, and future. He knows he needs to do something even if it means just to stay with me. In the last month without even getting into this I can tell he is taking steps towards improvement. I guess I just need to take it as it goes...... I wont put up with him ignoring it or making it worse or not fixing it.... In my eyes he could have done worse things to get in his position. He was young. I'm not going to call him a big loser for that but a lot of you are right.. He needs to grow up.
    I'll talk to him after this weekend and see how it goes. I don't usually see him on weekends.... Thanks for the responses.. They have all helped me weigh it out in my head.
     

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