Dear OT, (sorry this is extremely long) i am not quite sure why i never got around to this post, but here i am. i am a 17 year old male, living in the suburbs. i have been expelled from regular highschool (bringing a pellet gun to campus... twice... to threaten / hurt 2 other guys that my ex girlfriend had cheated on me with), and am attending a home study program for my diploma + taking 2 classes at the local community college. ive been hospitalized twice in mental reasons, and have been put in a one week recovery/halfway home. im on 20 mg of prozac and 50 mg of seroquel a day. i used to take doxepin and busbar to help me sleep / for anxiety. as of now ive been arrested for terrorist threats, vandalism, and conspiracy (2 felony counts). my family has been relatively chill with the situation (both parents together with 15 yr old younger brother), just doing what they need to, but i know they are very much so tired of me. i want to stop causing chaos for them but it always ends up happening while im chasing for my ex. ive had obsessive compulsive disorder my entire life (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/OCD <- long but educational and somewhat entertaining read), and it began to seriously affect me in junior high. i have had major depression since i was 13, and anxiety problems since 15. as of this moment im upset about this girl that cheated on me for the second time. this was back during thanksgiving, and i have not spoken or seen her since. i am on a temporary restraining order (cause i brought that pellet gun to school and assisted some others in vandalizing her house) and will go to court this tuesday to have it officially put into place. in the beginning i used to always complain about the situation, but eventually it grew old to those around me, and ive stopped. but really it is still on my mind everyday. i get horrible thoughts of what she could be doing with other guys. she and i went out on and off for about 3 years, and up till that point i truly did want to spend the rest of my life with her. we were even saving ourselves for each other. as of now i know its nearly hopeless to be with her but it is the one unrealistic unatainable thing that keeps me waking up in the mornings. i know that my ideal life has been crushed long ago, but this was truly the last straw. i am not ready to be disillusioned in this way. lately ive been speaking to ex military people at community college. ive always been interested in the service and right now it even seems more appealing. lately all i do is spend my time procrastinating on school work, smoking cigarettes, getting high on pot, and overdosing on seroquel for some interesting hallucination effects. i have stopped speaking to most of my friends and even good friends save a few. its a real trouble to know me. i cant have her. and i dont want to live. but im not about to kill myself ( i have been suicidal many times in the past. ending myself just isnt going to cut it now) i just felt like ranting. i dont know what to do anymore... cliffs: expelled from regular highschool, on anti depressants, do drugs because im bored and depressed, 2 count felon and am getting restrained by ex who cheated on me who i still love. friends are mostly gone. not ready to have last hope crushed in the next two days.