SRS dear OT my life is a mess of sorts

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by wufei, Mar 5, 2006.

  1. wufei

    wufei New Member

    Joined:
    Jul 20, 2004
    Messages:
    2,939
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    bay area
    Dear OT, (sorry this is extremely long)

    i am not quite sure why i never got around to this post, but here i am.

    i am a 17 year old male, living in the suburbs. i have been expelled from regular highschool (bringing a pellet gun to campus... twice... to threaten / hurt 2 other guys that my ex girlfriend had cheated on me with), and am attending a home study program for my diploma + taking 2 classes at the local community college. ive been hospitalized twice in mental reasons, and have been put in a one week recovery/halfway home. im on 20 mg of prozac and 50 mg of seroquel a day. i used to take doxepin and busbar to help me sleep / for anxiety. as of now ive been arrested for terrorist threats, vandalism, and conspiracy (2 felony counts).

    my family has been relatively chill with the situation (both parents together with 15 yr old younger brother), just doing what they need to, but i know they are very much so tired of me. i want to stop causing chaos for them but it always ends up happening while im chasing for my ex.

    ive had obsessive compulsive disorder my entire life (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/OCD <- long but educational and somewhat entertaining read), and it began to seriously affect me in junior high. i have had major depression since i was 13, and anxiety problems since 15.

    as of this moment im upset about this girl that cheated on me for the second time. this was back during thanksgiving, and i have not spoken or seen her since. i am on a temporary restraining order (cause i brought that pellet gun to school and assisted some others in vandalizing her house) and will go to court this tuesday to have it officially put into place. in the beginning i used to always complain about the situation, but eventually it grew old to those around me, and ive stopped. but really it is still on my mind everyday. i get horrible thoughts of what she could be doing with other guys. she and i went out on and off for about 3 years, and up till that point i truly did want to spend the rest of my life with her. we were even saving ourselves for each other.

    as of now i know its nearly hopeless to be with her but it is the one unrealistic unatainable thing that keeps me waking up in the mornings. i know that my ideal life has been crushed long ago, but this was truly the last straw. i am not ready to be disillusioned in this way.

    lately ive been speaking to ex military people at community college. ive always been interested in the service and right now it even seems more appealing.

    lately all i do is spend my time procrastinating on school work, smoking cigarettes, getting high on pot, and overdosing on seroquel for some interesting hallucination effects. i have stopped speaking to most of my friends and even good friends save a few. its a real trouble to know me. :hs:

    i cant have her. and i dont want to live. but im not about to kill myself ( i have been suicidal many times in the past. ending myself just isnt going to cut it now)

    :wtc: i just felt like ranting. i dont know what to do anymore...

    cliffs: expelled from regular highschool, on anti depressants, do drugs because im bored and depressed, 2 count felon and am getting restrained by ex who cheated on me who i still love. friends are mostly gone. not ready to have last hope crushed in the next two days.
     
  2. habitat

    habitat Splatinum Member

    Joined:
    Aug 9, 2001
    Messages:
    6,174
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Philadelphia
    Not to be a downer, but I'd say a career in military is no longer an option for you
     
  3. Verdugo

    Verdugo New Member

    Joined:
    Sep 18, 2004
    Messages:
    80
    Likes Received:
    0
    Life is not a dress rehearsel. It happens only once.
     
  4. DreamDemon

    DreamDemon New Member

    Joined:
    Feb 23, 2004
    Messages:
    164
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Minot, ND
    I dont know if what I'm about to suggest is at all do-able for you... but the first thought I had was "hmm....try therapy maybe?" but I'm sure you've been there and done that with the various problems you listed.

    The second thought I had was moving. Maybe relocating to a new community, town, school-- SOMEWHERE could get you on a new path. One away from the issues you're having with the ex's boys and the ex herself.

    Maybe the commotion of moving, packing/unpacking would be enough to entertain you for a while, and you wouldn't have to think about her so much. I understand it's hard...maybe impossible...but all the same, just something to think about.
     
  5. svetlanalemon

    svetlanalemon A little blood and vomit on the car seat...

    Joined:
    Jan 4, 2006
    Messages:
    2,094
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    california
    i second this, an environment change wouldn't hurt at all.
     
  6. Jay Pheezy

    Jay Pheezy New Member

    Joined:
    Dec 31, 2005
    Messages:
    7,670
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    MA
    Wow dude. That's rough. I'm not gonna knock on you and you say hanging on to that one girl was bad, because it makes sense. You're depression made you depend on her. When she was gone, there was nothing. Not being able to have someone you really feel for is so tough, and then thinking about the people who do get her, even tougher. Some how though, some way, you have to get over her. You really gotta try finding a new girl or something. Speaking of that though, it's not good to be dependent on a person like that, but for now it's really all you've got. Don't do yourself in over a girl that's stupid man. PM me if you ever need someone to talk on to on aim or msn or whatever. :hug:
     
  7. wufei

    wufei New Member

    Joined:
    Jul 20, 2004
    Messages:
    2,939
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    bay area
    :wtc: thanks guys
     
  8. wufei

    wufei New Member

    Joined:
    Jul 20, 2004
    Messages:
    2,939
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    bay area
    no career as an officer?

    i was speaking with some ex military people. apparently they'll take enlisted guys even if youve done drugs or gotten in legal trouble (as long as you seal your records). as long as you arent a suspect for a murder or something. i guess the question is would it still seem worth it if i went in as an enlisted.

    but that was from a ex marine sarge. i have no idea if it applies in the other services :hs:
     
  9. ~*Mia*~

    ~*Mia*~ New Member

    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2006
    Messages:
    808
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Ohio - but soon England!
    I'm not sure if they've changed the rules recently, but as far as I know, they will no longer let people with a record (especially felony charges) in the military. They used to, that was why a lot of young men went into the military back in the 70's/80's etc. Hell, that's how my dad got in ;)

    But seeing as you are under-age, maybe they don't consider minor records :)

    Sorry things are shitty for you, but PLEASE, please do not let yourself get this wound up over a girl. She isn't worth it if she cheated on you. There are plenty of gals who would be a good girlfriend and not cheat - but to be honest, you need to sort YOURSELF out and get your life in order and get out of trouble before you think about any kind of relationship. The place you're in right now, you're not going to draw anyone good to you. Step back, sort your life out, go to school and get a degree, get away from the drugs and all the other stuff, stop getting yourself into legal trouble - threatening people your ex cheated on you with isn't going to help anything, remember SHE did the cheating. Straighten your life out, and then everything else will fall into place (including a girl who is worthy of you) :)

    Loads of luck to ya
     
  10. teo

    teo . => ? => !

    Joined:
    Aug 26, 2004
    Messages:
    3,094
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Eh?
    You've recognized that you've made mistakes and that your current path in life is not one that you want to continue on - celebrate that success to start because it's a step in the right direction. Asking for help is also good; however, you'd be better off if you had someone (or several people) that are helping and supporting you in real life - people whose opinions you care about. People on the internet holding you accountable for your own behaviour doesn't carry the same weight as someone who knows you personally doing the same, and you need to be accountable (and feel accountable) if you want to change.

    I'd recommend that you stop putting your ex-gf on a pedestal as your ideal mate. She shouldn't be a goal for you to achieve. She treated you like shit (she's a cheater - duh) and you do deserve better than that, whether you believe it or not. Once you accept that, you'll be in a better position to move on with your life. If you can't stop idolizing her, see a counsellor or psychologist because you must get over her as part of your healing process.
     
  11. wufei

    wufei New Member

    Joined:
    Jul 20, 2004
    Messages:
    2,939
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    bay area
    :hs: thank you
     
  12. michaele36

    michaele36 New Member

    Joined:
    Jan 28, 2006
    Messages:
    415
    Likes Received:
    0

    hey man,

    sorry to hear it. i'm your age and i'm in a shitty place right now too. I've been so depressed latly i just dont want to wake up in the morning. i'm confused as fuck about life and i think theres a good chance i'll be in rehab or overdose or something a year from now. i also hate my fucking job. i dont go to school so i cant meet women and i sleep alot.

    my advise to you is you should forget about this girl(even though its tough)

    go to your court date

    do your time/community service.

    and don't EVER BRING A GUN TO SCHOOL big :nono:

    basically you have to stop doin illegal shit for a long time or you WILL in jail.

    if u want to talk send me a pm.

    good luck to you
     
  13. wufei

    wufei New Member

    Joined:
    Jul 20, 2004
    Messages:
    2,939
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    bay area
    ive been in psychiatric help since i was 10 years old. mustve had half a dozen differrent shrinks. i can outdebate the current one :hs:. and there are people holding me accountable in reality. thanks.
     
  14. wufei

    wufei New Member

    Joined:
    Jul 20, 2004
    Messages:
    2,939
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    bay area
    yeah i definetly need to stop bringing pellet guns, fucking up houses and threatening to kill people. it just gets me into more and more crap. lucky im still 17. and thanks.

    :hsd: so whats eating you man?
     
  15. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

    Joined:
    Oct 8, 2002
    Messages:
    10,498
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Care,for all is like a bonsai tree
    Insanity can only be cured with wisdome.

    Life acts like a mirror , whatever misery you cast on others, gets casted back at you. Just like throwing a ball against a wall, comes back at you, you need to make wise choices on how you throw the ball in your life so good stuff comes back at you.

    The wheel of hatred gets activated every time someone makes you upset or damages you, if you give it another 'spin' you will wind up in a vicious cycle or downward spiral of hatred and misery (the mirror misery will come back at you). So even when someone starts something 'bad' at ya, its a terrible idea to open a gateway of misery for yourself and 'hurt' the other person, because this will get you into even more 'trouble'

    You need to 'jump' out of this downward spiral you are in , and only bring love and light into the lives of other people. This will cast happyness ,love and light back into your own life, finally making things better again.

    Throw away your abdominal impure lifestyle, it hasn't gotten you anywhere right? No improvement in your life is also a form of hell.

    So lets review what happend, you went out with girl, girl cheated on you, you get mad at her, you end up in depression (school,you yourself,family) everything gets affected. YOU should NEVER have gone into a relationship ,expecting things to work out 'just because its you(im special omg,it should never happen to me) ' reality is that a woman can pack her bags and leave any day.

    If you want the proof, it happend to you and the violence you casted on her got reflected into even more shit on your plate for you. (restraint orders,depression and god knows what) You want a better life right? Start reading here -> http://www.aleroy.com/Abetway.htm
    Then read some near death experiences
    http://www.aleroy.com/contents.html
    www.near-death.com

    Especially this one http://www.near-death.com/forum/nde/000/93.html

    And this book here called the cycle of the soul saved me from depression and suicide, as it teaches you that no matter how deep a soul has fallen, there is always a way out.

    http://home.quicknet.nl/qn/prive/kes/cycle.pdf

    Read this all when your ready.
     
  16. wufei

    wufei New Member

    Joined:
    Jul 20, 2004
    Messages:
    2,939
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    bay area
    thanks :hsd: i will read it all when im calm and ready. i got court tomorrow. all nervous and stuff. not sure what to expect.
     
  17. michaele36

    michaele36 New Member

    Joined:
    Jan 28, 2006
    Messages:
    415
    Likes Received:
    0
    what do you mean "whats eating me? ?
     
  18. ~*Mia*~

    ~*Mia*~ New Member

    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2006
    Messages:
    808
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Ohio - but soon England!
    he meant, what's bothering you, what's going on in your life - you said you were in a shitty place too :)

    As for court tomorrow - dress nicely, be polite to the judge, DO NOT ARGUE or be rude (I'm sure you already know as much, but just to make sure). Do not over-speak: if asked a question, a simple yes or no will usually suffice, unless you are asked to elaborate. Don't say anything/give information you aren't asked for. You'll be just fine :)
     
  19. wufei

    wufei New Member

    Joined:
    Jul 20, 2004
    Messages:
    2,939
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    bay area
    thanks mia. seriously. its been causing a lot of anxiety. couldnt even bring myself to goto classes today because im just sitting my bed and jittering about. ive been in a lot of shit for the things ive done but i have yet to go to court until now. its intimidating and just the thought is stressful.:hsr:
     
  20. wufei

    wufei New Member

    Joined:
    Jul 20, 2004
    Messages:
    2,939
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    bay area
    :hsr: here i go guys, 30 mins to hearing. thanks for everything.



    edit: judge recomended 6 months. her father asked for 3 years. i agreed to his request. feeling half depressed and half tired.
     
    Last edited: Mar 7, 2006
  21. michaele36

    michaele36 New Member

    Joined:
    Jan 28, 2006
    Messages:
    415
    Likes Received:
    0

    jail?
     
  22. ~*Mia*~

    ~*Mia*~ New Member

    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2006
    Messages:
    808
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Ohio - but soon England!
    no, no, a restraining order, not jail :)

    I'm glad you got through it all right. Keep your nose clean, and your chin up, things can only get better once you've been in such a dark place.
     
  23. Timdog

    Timdog New Member

    Joined:
    Jun 25, 2005
    Messages:
    1,665
    Likes Received:
    0
    Restraining order can't be that bad. You just gotta use this as a learning experience and keep going. You've fallen down pretty badly, now it's time to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and keep going. Do better than before. You can fucking do it. Just believe.
     

Share This Page