SRS Dealing with threats

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by JohnJohnJohnson, Feb 8, 2007.

  1. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    I'm in college.

    I've been working on some personal goals recently and there has been some progress. Overall, my mood as ever has fluctuated pretty drastically, but usually I just put my feelings on the side and do whatever I need to.

    Yesterday a number of things happened that combined in a bad way. I woke up this morning with this sickening angry feeling in me. I look at my peers and I get this anger - people whose names I do not even know, and I get defensive and extraordinarily angry just looking around at them.

    It began in the dining hall. I was hanging out with my sister. One of her friends, Alice, was attracted to me last weekend, which puts all this pressure on me to maintain whatever attraction she had.

    In the dining hall, Jane, a girl I had previously hit on (in a nice way) walked nearby and teased me about something. I got a bolt of social anxiety, looked back at her, and then literally just walked around the corner without saying a word. "You seemed flustered," she said later. Now I redeemed myself later on - we have a date for this weekend - but for the rest of the meal, I was beating myself up for my ridiculous reaction. What's more, I was eating at a table with my sister's friend, Alice, the one who was attracted to me last weekend. Having just come out of that horrible interaction with Jane, I was not enjoying the pressure I felt to maintain my desirability in Alice's eyes.

    Then this guy nobody knew sat down at the table with us.
    "Is someone else sitting here?" he asked.
    "Lora, my sister," I said.
    "Your annoying sister?" he misheard (or pretended to mishear).
    "Yeah," I just said, not wasting the energy on correcting him.
    "She's your sister?" he said.
    "Yeah."
    "But you don't treat her nicely?"
    "No," Alice explained. "Her name is Lora. He didn't say she was 'annoying.'"
    "Oh," he said. "Good! I thought I was going to have to kick your ass. You can't go disrespecting your sister!" <--
    I just said nothing and kept eating my cereal.

    I came back to the dorm's common space with a female friend of mine, and a different guy sat down. This guy was a year younger than me. He was making a smoothie. We began talking about working out and related topics. He blathered on about the glory of sports and competitive activity. He asked me what I did to work out. I told him about Christopher's base-building routine (see the fitness forum). He told me that was crap. I said, "It worked for me ... I was benching 245 when I weighed 155." The guy jumped up. (I have a small frame right now.) "There's NO WAY you were benching 245," he said. My female friend admitted that she herself had seem me doing it at the gym. "You have NO FRAME," he said, really skeptically. "Let's have an ARM WRESTLE. There's NO WAY you could bench that much."

    What he was saying didn't bother me so much. What BOTHERED me was my meek reaction. I just sort of squirmed uncomfortably, feeling dominated.

    Other things like this happened today as well. Where I leave a situation without having dealt correctly with it, especially really unpleasant situations where I lose face, I get this left over rage that stays with me until I go BACK into the same situation and handle it differently. But there were so many of these situations yesterday and today that it's like it's just built up and now I feel it in ALL situations. Those FUCKING fuckers. Working out doesn't help ... it doesn't reduce the aggression, if anything it increases it because of the testosterone boost.
     
  2. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    I'm finding it hard to concentrate in class. I'm so jumpy right now it's ridiculous. The next "situation" I get into ... I'm going to overreact. Either by coming to tears, or by hurting somebody. And there's no fucking way I'm going to do the former. I'm a 21 year old male for Christ's sake.
     
  3. redna

    redna New Member

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    you need to just put it behind you and take the next one as it comes. Personally I dont see you being dominated, i see you not giving a fuck about some douche bag that's trying to start shit... which is the right way to handle things. Personally, i find people that are over aggressive and feel a need to prove themselves or degrade others to make themselves feel better, have much bigger issues of self esteem and self worth.

    I'm not sure what the internal problem is but look at it this way. Everyone that matters knows who you are. Some dick wad that wants to arm wrestle because he doesn't believe you can bench 245 doesnt matter. If you dropped to his level and arm wrestled him you'd have lost the respect of the people that matter in exchange for some dumb ass that doesnt.

    The thing you have to work on is not letting other peoples opinions and attitudes bother you. Increase your threshold for stupidity or you'll never make it in the real world.

    Let yourself just blow it off... i mean seriously, it's not a big deal anyway.
     
  4. 7960

    7960 New Member

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    Wait...he challenged you to ARM WRESTLE because he didn't believe how much you can bench? What is he, fucking 14?? And you got ANGRY over that? I would have laughed in his face for being so immature. I understand how we react isn't necessarily 100% under our control but jesus, come on man...he wanted to arm wrestle you! When you go back to that conversation in your head, LAUGH OUT LOUD at him. Point at him and say the words "YOU'RE FUCKING PATHETIC!" and move on.
     
  5. konrad109

    konrad109 New Member

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    I know exactly what you mean. Feeling like you're too weak to even try to counter other peoples challenges is a horrible feeling. Males compete with each other and if they spot an easy victim, many will take the opportunity to dominate him and increase their rank. If another guy tried to humiliate or belittle me infront of a female my first urge would have been to kill or maim him. Its very important to not look like a victim. That means being calm and not overly tired or jumpy.

    What is your diet like? I used to be depressed and lethargic, and often felt like I couldn't stand on my own two feet. I was too exhausted to engage in anything. I used to do weight lifting as well.

    I switched to eating a big bowl of oatmeal every morning, and crossfit type excersizes. Oatmeal evens out my blood sugar so that I don't get highs and lows throughout the day but a steady flow of energy that keeps me from being either too hyper or too tired. Crossfit and HIIT using mainly bodyweight excersizes seems to give me a lot more energy than lifting weights did.

    I think if you took up boxing or wrestling or muay thai you would gain a lot more confidence than you would from lifting weights. I think the majority of guys who lift do it to intimidate other guys, or atleast not to be intimidated by other guys. But deep down you still know that if worse comes to worse, lifting weights doesn't actually help you that much if you don't know how to throw a punch. Plus the amount of physical excersize will increase your energy level.
     
  6. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    No, I got angry at MYSELF for my pussy reaction.

    In response to the other poster - pacifism is an act of malevolence against yourself. Turning the other cheek makes your entire face hurt.

    And just generally I can't stand my humiliating reactions the last few days. It's not about THIS guy, it's about dealing or not dealing with threats in general.
     
  7. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    They don't teach that around here, or I would take it.

    Currently I just work out for women, because it has noticeable effects on my options.
     
  8. redna

    redna New Member

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    It's mental dude... stop feeling like you've got something to prove. I'm not saying dont defend yourself if you need to, but dont let yourself get caught up being a cave man, beating your chest and arm wrestling every chump that pushes your buttons, so that you can feel like the bigger man. At that point they've already won and you look like a bigger idiot than you feel like if you'd have said nothing at all.

    Sounds more like you've got an insecurity complex to me. like you dont feel like what you want to fight for is worth fighting for. Or that you dont stand behind your convictions enough to warrant a rebuttle when someone challenges them.
     
  9. redna

    redna New Member

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    Oh yeah... insecure like a mofo.. :ugh:

    Confidence will get you way more women than nice abs. and much much much higher quality women too.
     
  10. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    JJJ, nowhere is it written that you have to respond to others' challenges, insults whatever.

    I see what you did as being the same as ignoring a guy who is being immature and trying to start a fight.

    Why do you feel that you had to prove yourself to him? He challenged you to arm wrestling...so what if you didn't go for it? Sounds like a whole "I'm trying to prove how macho and manly I am" thing.

    And regarding your topic title in general...you deal with threats by not escalating them. If you have some dude threatining to beat the shit out of you or something, you ignore him, and walk away. If he is actually dumb enough to start something, you get away, call the police and have him face the consequences of your actions.

    Making threats and responding to threats is behavior that should be outgrown after junior high. I'm talking about the whole stereotypical "we're going to solve this problem by threatening to get a bunch of guys together and go whoops his ass" situation. If someone's holding a gun to your head and robbing you, that's different.

    Again, why are you so stuck on this? Why do you feel the need to have to prove yourself to some stranger?
     
  11. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    Let me give you another story to show you what a successful "situation" looks like.

    I was chilling at a party. I walked past a guy, brushed against, said, "Oh excuse me," kept going.

    "You're excused," he said in this really snide voice. <-- :ugh:

    I tapped him on the shoulder. I waited. Eventually he turned around.

    "Thanks," I said, almost realistically.

    "For what?" he said, challenging.

    "For excusing me," I said. He choked up for a few seconds and then began stuttering some comeback - his mouth opened, I turned away dismissively and as his lame counter began leaving his tongue I was exiting the door.

    I can't leave a situation feeling good if there has been injustice. Against me, against strangers - whatever. So usually I'm pretty quick and smart and good at maintaining the balance. But these last few days, so many things piled up ... not good.
     
  12. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    Matt,

    Clearly I do not view it as "proving myself to him." You have to understand the way I'm viewing it. There is an imbalance, an injustice; and one response to that, is silent endurance. Now in terms of EFFECTS, silence or obvious comebacks like "YOU'RE IMMATURE!" in my experience leads to more injustice later on. Equally important: in terms of JUSTICE in itself, silence is the easy way out, but does not restore social balance.

    I find looking muscular to be extremely USEFUL, so I maintain my physique. I could give a shit, it doesn't affect my ego or anything - it's just USEFUL to look good.
     
  13. konrad109

    konrad109 New Member

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    Where do you live? Any city has at least a boxing gym. Judo, jiu jitsu, wrestling, anything.

    Also you never answered about your diet. What do you usually eat in the mornings and for lunch?

    Don't let people try to convince you that you're being a caveman. Being top dog (or atleast not the bottom dog) is what gets you women, as much as they hate to admit it. That doesn't mean you beat up or ridicule everyone who challenges you, it just means that deep down inside, you know that if you needed to, you could.

    Male ranking is extremely important, and those who try to say it isn't either have never been dominated by another male and realized the consequences. Or they are too afraid to compete themselves and want to convince others not to either. If other guys have no fear of walking up to you and belitting you infront of females, you know you need to make a few changes. Your insecurity and anger is your body's way of letting you know that you need to get up and do something. If it wasn't there, THEN I'd start to worry cause that means you've given up on life. I'm not suggesting you beat people up or start fights, I'm suggesting you improve yourself to the point where you're confident in standing up for yourself and don't present yourself as an easy victim. Though I'm sure I'm just telling you shit you already know by now.
     
  14. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    See dude, what you are saying actually makes a lot of sense. I really appreciate that you are so honest about how things work in the world.

    I am waiting until I get out of college and have a good job to start learning Muai Thai, etc. What I meant is that my school doesn't offer it.
     
  15. mrchina

    mrchina Guest

    Maybe you shouldn't even be around girls if you feel you have to act a certain way to keep them interested in you...
     
  16. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    Honestly, I don't understand why you feel this way, and I don't know if I ever will.

    So I'm just going to go and say "whatever floats your boat".
     
  17. 7960

    7960 New Member

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    I understand that, but that situation has passed.

    This couldn't be more wrong. Fighting is a sign of weakness, not walking away. If you have to hit or physically threaten someone to make your point then you automatically lose. Fighting is for the ignorant where words and self control show strength.

    Deal with a threat by ignoring it. If it's a *real* threat (and there hasn't been a real threat described in this thread) then get away from it, immediately, unless you have no other choice.
     
  18. konrad109

    konrad109 New Member

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    This is easy to say. I donno about the OP, but I've been beat and physically threatened for a good part of my life, and any sign of aggression or intimidation towards me is seen as a very real threat and my fight or flight responce kicks in.

    I agree its a weakness, I would much rather have the calmness and wit to respond verbally and show that I'm not intimidated, but thats not my reality. For me, the only thing that can genuinley calm me is knowledge that if it does come to blows, I have a decent chance of winning.
     
  19. KatWoman

    KatWoman •••••••••••

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    People say and do stupid things, mostly when they feel threatened or inadequate about themselves. Kinda the "I'm having a bad day so I'm gonna ruin your good day" mentality. There will also always be those who feel they need to one-up you, whether the topic at hand is a major or minor one. It's a fact of living this life and we can't escape that.

    I used to let stuff like that bother me...but as I've gotten older and matured, I've realized it all boils down to some people just being full of hot air. I give them the :ugh: and move on and know that I am the better person for not lowering myself to get into a pissing contest with them.

    Happiness comes from within. You can choose to be content with your current stage in life or you can waste time and energy pissing and moaning about it and trying to bring others down with you. In the end when our time here is done, none it matters anyway.

    Easier said than done, but let it roll off. Just know that when people feel the need to step on your toes that they are probably just full of hot air (or something else) and are looking for a release :)

    Obviously, if there is someone repeatedly threatening physical harm or actually committing physical harm, then you need to intervention by someone in authorty (i.e. dean, dorm person in charge or even the police if things escalate). There are a handful of nuts out there that just can't leave well enough alone.
     
  20. 7960

    7960 New Member

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    I've been in one "fight" in my life. I hit the kid once and figured out two things REAL quick... 1) it fucking hurts to hit someone, and 2) it wasn't going end when that fight ended. I hit him, he hit the ground, I started wrapping my hand up to stop the blood, he started looking for his teeth, and before we left he made it clear it "wasn't over." So great, now I got some kid looking for my car or my house or worse, me when I'm not looking. That was the last fight I've been in. I find it extremely easy to walk away..........maybe being 6'3 / 230 has something to do with it but I don't get challenged often and when I do I'm more likely to buy the guy a beer than fight him. In fact, one of my best friends and I met in a bar and his first words to me were "what the fuck is your problem!" and "wanna go outside?" Year later he was best man in my wedding........ he's closer to me than my own brother.

    Fighting is weakness.
     
  21. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    I really don't see why there's this huge emphasis on physical harm. Social harm is a much more prevalent reality than physical, and I just do not see how doing or saying nothing is going to treat, OR prevent, this kind of thing.

    The point is certainly to use words, 7690, as you say. As opposed to silence. Whoever actually resorts to violence in a social interaction may win the physical fight but they lose the social conflict; e.g. if there's a girl in the room, she does not walk away with the angry violent guy. Not where I'm from, anyhow, unless he's her boyfriend.

    There are more than one kind of fight. Most conflicts are NOT physical. What we are discussing here is a fight for social status - and not engaging in the fight is equivalent to relaxing your stomach and taking a punch in the gut. This breed of conflict is much less simple than "just ignore them," or "tell them they are being juvenile!" Avoiding social loss requires a COMBINATION of looking unphased AND responding to the aggression, and a few other factors.

    Somebody here brought up the concept of learning to be happy with what you have ... which is one solution to curing your discontent. In other words, change yourself to fit your reality. I am choosing a different path: change your reality to fit yourself. My choice is admittedly a more difficult process, but I believe it is more honest.
     
  22. konrad109

    konrad109 New Member

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    Most of the people I've gotten into fights in started by making fun of me or picking on me or somehow dismissing me as very unimportant. They saw me as weak and unlikely to stand up for myself. After I smacked em around a little bit, they respected me and we too became friends. Same thing with my dad, he did nothing but belittle and threaten me untill I stood up, stuck my chin in his face, and challenged him to hit me.

    What you're described is the exact opposite of my situation. You're the one who people see as having power for whatever reason (size, calmness, posture, etc). Take your best man for instance. My impression is that he also felt weak and insecure in your presence, and therefore needed to prove that he was not afraid of you. Maybe you didn't pay enough attention to him, deeming him not important enough to acknowledge. I'm not saying it was intentional, he just didn't seem like a threat. So he challenged you, and low and behold, you now respect him enough to call him your best man. Seems like he did the right thing calling you out to fight. Do you still consider him weak?
     
  23. 7960

    7960 New Member

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    I completely disagree. Not engaging in the social fight is NOT "taking one in the gut." It's showing maturity. I"m sure some people have said (or are going to say) I'm somehow "weak" for not engaging in either this social or physical fight, but I don't because it's not worth it. I guess I just don't see the use in expending my energy to engage some asshole who feels like flexing his supposed mental or physical self.
     
  24. 7960

    7960 New Member

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    I don't give a shit about them.
    A friendship that resulted from being "smacked around" is a friendship? I guess it could be, but I doubt I'd ever respect anyone who actually hit me (and I know I won't hit anyone).

    My son was 2 and went to daycare. The "teacher" for his room told me one day a kid took his toy and walked away. She said my son stood up and started walking at the other kid and the other kids got out of the way. She said it was hysterical to watch...and when my son got there he calmly took the toy from the other kid and walked away and the kid didn't fight it. I asked if he's ever hit or kicked or bit or done anything to make other kids get out of his way and not fight him. She said no, that he's never done anything to hurt the other kids...she said they just, got out of his way.

    He was pissed because I moved in on a girl he was talking to and laughed at him when he told me to get lost. Interestingly, considering all this "social" shit we're talking about, the girl was more interested in me *because* I ignored the guy (his name is craig) and was *less* interested in him because he wanted to fight.

    Oh, it was very intentional :rofl:

    I never considered him weak. I just plain didn't consider him at all. To avoid a fight I bought him a beer. The girl left, he bought me a beer in return, we laughed about how he wanted to fight, got talking, turned out we had a mutual friend from college. That was 20 years ago this year. We still go out weekly.
     
  25. redna

    redna New Member

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    werd.
     

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