LGBT Dealing with homophobia from close friends/family

Discussion in 'Lifestyle' started by Taylor, Jan 12, 2005.

  1. Taylor

    Taylor Guest

    The other night, my parents had my dad's best friend over for dinner along with his wife and another couple who they are friends with. My dad's best friend is practically family to me. I have always looked up to him, loved visiting him, and felt very close to him. He's one of those people that I can't think about not being in my life because he has always been there, and has been my dad's best friend for 40+ years.

    He made several negative comments about gay people at dinner that just absolutely killed me inside. I felt crushed. I'm not out to him and can't consider what it would be like if I did it now.

    Before I came out to my parents, I had it in my mind that if my parents had kicked me out, I would have turned to him for help.

    I just don't know what to think now... this just really, really bothers me.

    :(
     
  2. RenaultFreak

    RenaultFreak OMG

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    hmmm dunno, I suck at the advice but...


    when you have a close one that turns to be gay everything changes, dunno why but it is that way. My best friend came out a few months ago and I can say that I see everything from a different perspective now, hell, I told my dad about it and he is impressed. Talk about stereotypes fucking with everyone's minds.

    Maybe you should let the anger/pain to fade out before you do something about this, you could end up saying stuff you don't want to, after you feel better you can either ignore the comment and move on or talk about it with him, if he is a reasonable person I bet he will understand, I mean, friendship goes over anything, I don't care if you like the cock as long you are a good person.

    :hug:
    (or maybe I'm completely wrong :o )
     
  3. Ferron

    Ferron So yes, I'll see you there.

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    I'd say you did pretty well with giving the advice.

    :hug: of general support.
     
  4. cedric

    cedric I don't have a contract

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    You might try thinking about it from a different perspective. You could be the one to change his mind about gays. He might've made those comments because he only knows gays based upon stereotypes. If he's as great a guy as you built him up to be, then there's a good chance he'll be receptive to learning, rather than just blocking out new ideas and dwelling in his own ignorance. I say if it's bothering you that much, the next chance you have, present it to him in a mature and honest manner.

    On the worrying about your parents kicking you out part. For your sake, I'm glad they responded well. I can't even imagine what it'd be like to worry about that. Maybe it's just my personality, but when I decided to tell someone, I made absolutely certain that he was totally OK with it before I even hinted at it to him. When I did tell him he was completely fine with it, and nothing has changed between us. :)

    As for the parents, I doubt they'll be a problem. They already told me that it'd be totally cool with them if I were gay (My mom's a big liberal and my dad just goes along with it. I told them I'd raise hell if they even thought of voting for Bush :mamoru:). I just see no reason to tell them yet. It's just better that they don't know until it's necessary, like if I want to bring home a boyfriend or something.
     
  5. Taylor

    Taylor Guest

    Well, he will find out eventually. I'm out to my parents, and when I bring a significant other to a family event, the rest of the family will find out and he will hear from them. I just don't know how he will react.

    It may not be just because of him, because he's only one person who means something to me. It concerns me because I am afraid his comments will be indicative of some of my other family and family friends.
     
  6. GeekDrew

    GeekDrew aka DataDrew

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    The parents of a student I went through school with K-12 were "always there" - I thought that if I couldn't get along with my parents about homosexuality, then I could turn to them. I spoke to the wife about homosexuality, and a mutual friend that is gay... she said that she didn't have a problem with it at all, but that her husband would probably never speak to him (out friend) again, after he found out that he's gay.

    Well... I was shattered, as I really respected both of these people, and I hadn't even considered the fact that the husband would be against gays. So I came up with other people that I could turn to, if I needed to. Sure enough, my parents threw a fit when I came out to them, blah, blah, blah - my story has been told over and over, it gets old repeating it. I wound up staying with a different set of friends for a couple of years (after a few trips to a mental institution, thanks to my parents (I was declared perfectly sane & stable each time... but it cost my parents a ton of money for that diagnosis ;) )).

    I've recently started helping the music boosters at my old high school a lot - the husband & wife I mentioned earlier are both officers, and are the most active in the boosters. I since found out that the husband was initially shocked when he found out that I'm gay... but he realized that I am still who I've always been... so he's cool with it. I went to their house on New Year's Eve... a few times since then... was just over there tonight (lol just got home at 2:30 AM).

    Point is... maybe he'll still take it badly - and I think it's wise to believe that will likely happen - but that's not necessarily true, I've found.
     
  7. Sam Gamgee

    Sam Gamgee Every tool is a weapon if you hold it right. OT Supporter

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    As you get older, it gets easier becuase you become more confident in yourself and in the fact that you are not inferior or wrong because you are gay. And what ends up happening is that you don't just sit there and take that kind of discrimination.

    I recommend that the next time you are in that situation, you say "You know Ralph" (I'm calling him Ralph), "You know Ralph, I'm gay. And I don't appreciate or agree with your opinions. You can think what you want, but when you are around me, please keep those opinions to yourself."

    This will usually quiet him down quite quickly and make him realize that "those horrible gays" are actually a lot closer to home than he thinks.

    Alternately, he may engage you in a debate about homosexuality. Chances are that since you've set groundrules about him not talking negatively about gays, he'll try to sound intelligent with his arguments. Then, it's up to you to counter those arguments. And if he starts being derogatory again, it's up to you to ask him to leave.

    Frankly, I'm surprised that your parents didn't stand up for you. That's difficult to see your own parents not defend their child.
     
  8. CoCo

    CoCo ...is a Queer Don!! OT Supporter

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    My very first reaction to reading this thread...
     
  9. coma

    coma New Member

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    How could his parents stand up for him? He's not out to the guy who made those gay comments.

    OMG, I just noticed that Taylor has a Canadian girlfriend!:noes:
     
  10. CoCo

    CoCo ...is a Queer Don!! OT Supporter

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    Also, you become more independent. You really aren't that reliant upon others. If your parents or whomever have nothing to hold over you head, then you feel more able to openly disagree with them.



    Taylor, baby, I'm sorry that you had to endure that. It sucks major funky ass. I completely understand your situation, because my uncle and I recently got into over my grandma's house over the same subject. But I defended myself. Knowing you, and the arguments that people usually cling to to defend such ignorant beliefs, I can tell you that there is no way that he could have intellectually held his ground verbally sparring with you. Your intelligence notwithstanding, you've been around a lot of very intelligent people who talk about this subject very often, and shared experiences being in similar situations. Trust me that you are very armed, and if attacked, dangerous... Don't let yourself be degraded in such a way. This time you were hurt and shocked into silence; next time, respond, because silence is death.
     
  11. CoCo

    CoCo ...is a Queer Don!! OT Supporter

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    ...yea, they could very well have rationalized that this was his to share, and that they were respecting his privacy. Aren't defense mechanisms wonderfully convenient?

     
  12. Ferron

    Ferron So yes, I'll see you there.

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    I've met her. He likes to :lick:
     
  13. Taylor

    Taylor Guest

    I'm also not out to my brother, who was present. I am actually glad they did not bring it up.
     
  14. CoCo

    CoCo ...is a Queer Don!! OT Supporter

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    Okay...I'll shut up about it. :o
     
  15. RedGoober4Life

    RedGoober4Life New Member

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    I hope you didn't take his comments personally. Life is too short to take every comment as a personal attack. :hs:
     
  16. Sam Gamgee

    Sam Gamgee Every tool is a weapon if you hold it right. OT Supporter

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    true

    But, it's difficult NOT to take it personally.

    I used to take it personally the first year I was out of the closet.
    But, I got over it fast once I realized that their ignorance should not affect my happines.

    Always remember this: "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent" - Eleanor Roosevelt.
     

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