My mom just passed away on August 31st. She was diagnosed with scleroderma last year, but her rhematalogist said that she's had it for a while and that it's basically done its damage. Her ultimate cause of death was congestive heart failure. She's been in and out of the hospital since March this year. Last time she got admitted was July 31st and it just felt like I was on a rollercoaster ride. There were good days and than there were bad days. I was still trying to stay positive until the last week of August when the doctors said that my mom had 4 days-2 weeks left to live. She died the next day at 8:20 p.m. with no one by her side. I decided not to go to the hospital that day because I needed a break. One of the things that keep eating away at me because I feel selfish for feeling this is that on August 10th, my birthday, my mom wasn't able to say Happy Birthday because she was in-coherent and hooked up to a ventilator. I had faith that everything was going to be ok and it wasn't. The worst thing is that I do not have any closure yet because the funeral and everything won't be for a while. I went back to work right away because I didn't want to be alone by myself in my house. Everyone was shocked as to how well I was doing. I was doing well until the second week. Everyone started going back to work and going on with their lives. I am always trying to surround myself around my family and friends. I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for over 5 1/2 years. I don't know where it's going and I'm not sure about where I want it to go, but that is the least of my worries now. However, I have been getting mad at him abut everything because I feel like he doesn't know how bad things are. He has a perfect life with a perfect family and no worries about money. I don't know what to feel anymore. Reality has hit me in the face and I realize that I won't be able to talk to my mom ever again. I am on anxiety medication because I have had a panic attack and was rushed to the ER back in March when I found out my mom had to have open heart surgery. I am not taking my medication all the time because it makes me feel drowsy and I do not have that much left. I don't have time to go to a doctor now and get a refill. I have been getting no sleep. I started having nightmares of my mom since Saturday. They've been really fucked up to the point where I wake up everyday in a shitty mood. I know I should probablly go see a psychologist, but I don't want to because I've been to one when I was in high school and they didn't do anything for me. I honestly just don't have time to go. I have to help my dad and take care of the dog and do everything else. I have so much to do everyday that I feel like I don't have time for myself anymore. I feel so out of control and so helpless. I'm starting to just think why I should bother with anything or anyone. I feel like I'm starting to push away the people I need in my life the most. I know that it will take a long time to grieve and that my mom wouldn't want to see me like this, but it's not fair. Life is not fair. I am only 25 years old and to think that I am going to be without my mom for the rest of my life kills me.