SRS Dealing with death V. How do I move on with my life?

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by AtoorayasGrl, Sep 13, 2007.

  1. AtoorayasGrl

    AtoorayasGrl New Member

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    My mom just passed away on August 31st. She was diagnosed with scleroderma last year, but her rhematalogist said that she's had it for a while and that it's basically done its damage. Her ultimate cause of death was congestive heart failure. She's been in and out of the hospital since March this year. Last time she got admitted was July 31st and it just felt like I was on a rollercoaster ride. There were good days and than there were bad days. I was still trying to stay positive until the last week of August when the doctors said that my mom had 4 days-2 weeks left to live. She died the next day at 8:20 p.m. with no one by her side. I decided not to go to the hospital that day because I needed a break. One of the things that keep eating away at me because I feel selfish for feeling this is that on August 10th, my birthday, my mom wasn't able to say Happy Birthday because she was in-coherent and hooked up to a ventilator. I had faith that everything was going to be ok and it wasn't. The worst thing is that I do not have any closure yet because the funeral and everything won't be for a while. I went back to work right away because I didn't want to be alone by myself in my house. Everyone was shocked as to how well I was doing. I was doing well until the second week. Everyone started going back to work and going on with their lives. I am always trying to surround myself around my family and friends. I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for over 5 1/2 years. I don't know where it's going and I'm not sure about where I want it to go, but that is the least of my worries now. However, I have been getting mad at him abut everything because I feel like he doesn't know how bad things are. He has a perfect life with a perfect family and no worries about money. I don't know what to feel anymore. Reality has hit me in the face and I realize that I won't be able to talk to my mom ever again. I am on anxiety medication because I have had a panic attack and was rushed to the ER back in March when I found out my mom had to have open heart surgery. I am not taking my medication all the time because it makes me feel drowsy and I do not have that much left. I don't have time to go to a doctor now and get a refill. I have been getting no sleep. I started having nightmares of my mom since Saturday. They've been really fucked up to the point where I wake up everyday in a shitty mood. I know I should probablly go see a psychologist, but I don't want to because I've been to one when I was in high school and they didn't do anything for me. I honestly just don't have time to go. I have to help my dad and take care of the dog and do everything else. I have so much to do everyday that I feel like I don't have time for myself anymore. I feel so out of control and so helpless. I'm starting to just think why I should bother with anything or anyone. I feel like I'm starting to push away the people I need in my life the most. I know that it will take a long time to grieve and that my mom wouldn't want to see me like this, but it's not fair. Life is not fair. I am only 25 years old and to think that I am going to be without my mom for the rest of my life kills me. :wtc:
     
  2. joWalla

    joWalla New Member

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    I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine an ounce of what you're going through. Whatever you do, don't push out the people you need in your life. They are going to be the ones that will support you and help you get through this very difficult time.

    Also, your mom is in a better place right now and she's no longer in pain. If anytime you feel like you need to talk to someone, you can PM me whenever you want.
     
  3. bigballofyarn

    bigballofyarn OT Supporter

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    My father has congestive heart failure so I can definitely empathize with you in this situation.

    I think your decision to go back to work right away is a way for you to escape reality for awhile and get your mind off the inevitable situation you were dealt.

    Try not to let your pain with this poison the relationship you have with your boyfriend. If anything, I believe he will be there to comfort and console you. It's normal and understandable for you to feel badly. The pain will ease over time.

    Instead of feeling badly that you will not share anymore times with her, try to be grateful for the times you did share. Reflect on old memories and think, "My mom was great. She lived a wonderful life. She is in a better place now."

    The nightmares are normal. I believe you're having them because during the day you seem to build up so much anger and frustration. Then at night, your body releases all that anger.

    Don't lose hope. Now more than ever, you need to stay positive and learn that things happen for a reason. Your mother lived a happy life. Unfortunately, death is a part of life, and is something that you would have had to have dealt with eventually even if she lived a little longer. Be thankful for everything she has given you, and everything she has taught you, and utilize it in continuing your life. I'm sure she would want you to stay positive.

    Believe me when I say that the pain will ease.

    I wish you the best.
     
  4. tenxia

    tenxia OT Supporter

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    sorry to hear that. I love my mom a lot and cannot imagine her being gone. :hs:
     
  5. familyguy101

    familyguy101 New Member

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    when I was younger I believed in god and heaven. I always told myself that if anyone close to me died then I should be happy for them because they are in a better place now. When my uncle died, I barely felt a thing. It just made sense to be happy for him.

    Do you believe in religion or anything similar?

    View her death from a different perspective, like how your dad must be taking this. Maybe you'll get a different perspective on life if your not a shallow person. Do some reflecting. Think about life. Think about what happened to you. Take this as a lesson. What possible kind of lesson? I don't know, you decide. Never forget her though.
     
  6. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    :hug:

    I'm really sorry for your loss but I'm glad you keep posting here and I hope you continue to do so.

    In times of grief, try to do less not more. You need time to feel these very powerful emotions. You need time to cry, to hurt, to start to heal. It's a very, very difficult process and it can, at times, feel like your life is over and nothing will ever be fun or happy again. But trust me, it will!!! However, it will take time before good times return but make no mistake about it, they will return. Sure, we still will miss our loved ones and wish they were still with us and if we had our choice, we would want them to still be alive....however, good and fun times will return. But you can't rush it.

    Do you belong to a church?? Whatever way you answer, you might think about contact a church to see if they have a grief support group. When my mom lost her second husband, she found an enormous amount of strength from a grief support group. It was amazingly healing for her.

    One suggestion, be good to yourself. You sound like you're really beating yourself up because you didn't go by to see your mom that last night. We can't change the past and yes, if we could you would have gone by. However, what's done is done. Forgive yourself for not being perfect....there is no way you could have known she was going to pass right then and sure....if you had known, you would have gone there right away. But beating yourself up just isn't healthy or necessary. Your decision didn't cause your mom to die.

    Try to eat healthy foods, try to get some exercise every day and try to get into a regular sleep/wake cycle. These things really do help.

    I never read this book but my mom found great comfort in it...perhaps you will too.
    http://www.amazon.com/Courage-Griev...4553632?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1189744262&sr=8-1

    Hang in there and God Bless.
    :hug:
     
  7. AtoorayasGrl

    AtoorayasGrl New Member

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    Thank you to everyone for their response. The nightmares have stopped, but now I'm overcome with emotions. It's like a constant battle with my emotions. One minute I'm sad, the next minute I'm happy, and than I get depressed. I have great friends that are taking care of me and it helps so much. However, I just broke up with my boyfriend of 5 1/2 years because he wasn't there for me like I needed him to be. It's funny cause he said my mom's death was putting a strain on our relationship when in reality if was him who was putting a strain on our relationship. I understand that no one will ever know what I am going through until it happens to them. I obviosuly deal with death differently...everyone does. Ugh... it's just one thing after another.
     
  8. childofbean

    childofbean Green Member

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    :hug:

    You really have courage. I don't think I could even function if my mom passed away. :hs:

    It's true that this will stick with you for the rest of your life, but you will learn how to deal with it. Accept the fact that you're going to be sad for some time.
    I think it also helps to imagine what the person would want for you. I'm sure she wouldn't want you to let her death drag you down for the rest of your life.

    As for seeing a therapist, it can be tough at first. It took me quite some time to find one that I was comfortable with. And when you do find one you like, they really can be a big help.
     
  9. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    Emotional swings are very normal and are a part of the grief process. It comes in waves and sometimes can knock us for a loop. We'll be laughing hysterically one moment then sobbing uncontrollably the next.

    Those not familiar with the grief process will say that there's something wrong or that you need help but just know, this is all normal and there's nothing to be fixed. After all, you can't bring back your mom.

    IMO it's important to let this grief process play out, no matter how chaotic it is. Be good to yourself and give yourself permission to grieve. If, after a month or two you aren't able to function, then IMO it's time to seek professional help because I don't believe that's health. However, I could be wrong but I would think in 1-2 months you should be able to get back to work/school even if you're incredibly sad.

    Anyways, hang in there and thanks for the update.
     

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