SRS Dating & The Freak Show

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by PuppyCat, Jan 26, 2006.

  1. PuppyCat

    PuppyCat O.T. Mom

    Joined:
    Feb 6, 2005
    Messages:
    1,047
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Land of Provincialism
    On the advice of several Asylum OTers, I have begun dating again. So, okay I sign up on an on-line dating site. What a freak show. I must be a nutbar magnet or something. Most of the men my age seem to be either a) freaks; b) come with a lot of baggage; c) have issues <insert weird issues>; d) are divorced and have kidlets and e) are looking for a romp in the hay. Jaysus Murphy.
    • Went for coffee & dessert with a media lawyer-he talked law, I talked engineering. He said I was "too focused". WTF?
    • Went for a drink with a Roofer, he was funny as hell, and dumb as a post. BORING.
    • Went to dinner with a "supposed" self-employed computer somethingorother-he was just a zero, broke and lied his face off. LIAR.
    • Had a romp with a married man <gasp>, he was cute (gorgeous actually) and stated it was his first time running around, he lied, I see him trolling on-line all of the time. PLAYER.
    • Had coffee with a guy who sent me his photo. Ah, he shows up, smiles-no teeth and he picked his nose-GROSS.
    • Had lunch with this guy and all he did was talk about his Mother (not good). NUTBAR.
    • Arranged to meet a guy at the library (safe, public place)...he wanted to screw in the men's room...he said he had to hurry b/c he was picking up his kids (Holy Crass Batman). I declined.
    My question is this:

    Where can I meet an intelligent, fairly attractive man, who works, has all his own teeth, is my age, not married, a gentleman, isn't a freak or a nut bar, doesn't have issues with his Mother, does not lie, not a player, and is not out just for a romp? I don't go to bars, so that is out of the question.
     
  2. Toasty

    Toasty Naked people have little or no influence on societ

    Joined:
    Mar 4, 2005
    Messages:
    790
    Likes Received:
    0
    I've never tried it PuppyCat, but is there any scene in your area where they organize those speed dating things? That way you get to screen each person and see if sparks fly in no more then 2 minutes with each man. 2 minutes is usually enough to tell if a guy is a nose-picker right away isn't it?
     
  3. johan

    johan Active Member

    Joined:
    Nov 4, 2003
    Messages:
    5,123
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Sahasrara; magnetic violet infinite
    Personally, my opinion is that you're not ready for dating yet.

    Every guy you meet, and yep there ARE a lot of losers out there, I'm not denying that....but every guy you meet is being viewed through the distorted lens of your recent traumatic handling at the hands of...you know who.

    Continue on if you wish, but you'll be putting yourself through a large measure of pain instead of taking time for yourself.

    A relationship with another is best when it's fulfilling and upwardly focused. Right now, the person you will "click" with is someone who is also battling recent trauma like you are.

    Together you will find comforting solace in each other's arms, and the co-dependency begins with a vengeance. This relationship will feel like "WHERE have you been all my life?? FINALLY someone who UNDERSTANDS"

    But in reality, it will keep you from healing. Because the bond you share is predicated on the pain, not joy.

    And you may think to yourself, "Why SHOULDN'T I have such a relationship? It feels so comforting to have this, HE knows me, HE understands me, HE provides what I need inside".

    The thing is that codependency relationships help for a time, but they keep you locked into its orbit. And it keeps you from truly getting back onto your feet and finding that relationship that truly sets you free. To be the best you that you can.

    In "relationship" we seek our complement. When we've been terribly wounded, our complement is not necessarily a healthy choice.

    On the other hand, I bet you have a lot of funny stories to tell. Funny for other people, that is. Well, I'm sure you'll laugh too. Except privately on those still nights, some part of you will quietly sob "jesus h christ, why is this STILL happening".


    My advice would be to avoid distractions, avoid illusory diversions, and focus on healing yourself.

    In short, you have a broken leg. Don't think that distracting yourself at the carnival will make the leg heal faster or better.
     
  4. Laserbeak

    Laserbeak Remember kids! Be like Billy! BEHAVE YOURSELVES!

    Joined:
    Oct 5, 2001
    Messages:
    22,914
    Likes Received:
    48
    Location:
    WA
    Not on a dating site, heh.
     
  5. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

    Joined:
    Oct 8, 2002
    Messages:
    10,498
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Care,for all is like a bonsai tree
    I would like to have a word with all those people, for it pains me that you went against me as an asylum moderator and Johans advice to first give time to heal yourself before you start dating again.

    Let me talk to you about your 'decision' making again.

    When i look at how your own decisions dig your own grave, then its only natural to see that your life is not working out in a benefitial way, neither in the past, and as proven now also not in the future you are making decisions that are more instinct then learned skills , there are people who make a turn with their car without thinking, and there are people who check and think about the consequenses of their actions. You are a person who makes a turn without thinking.

    These short fun trips , will do a LOT of damage in the long run. You who knows more then anyone what a horrible past can do to you, should be wise enough to avoid such damaging situations in the future. But you are not, have you any idea what ruckus a fling with a married man can cause? You don't seem to care about it, nor about what it will do with you yourself in the long run. In other words ,there's a refusal in you to heal , because you deliberatly search for events in life that bring you into deep trouble. You should see that these events are hurting you into an ever more painfull manner,there's seems to be a lot of reluctancy to not only understand that, but also bringing that into practise, you should see life as a area with landmines, if you don't watch yout you gonna get hurt even more then that you already are :nono:
     
  6. PuppyCat

    PuppyCat O.T. Mom

    Joined:
    Feb 6, 2005
    Messages:
    1,047
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Land of Provincialism
    OUCH!
    It has been an awfully long time since I dated....as for the married guy, well, it takes two to screw...I offer no excuses other than the fact that a) I was attracted to him; b) I knew from the get go he was married and as such, I would NOT become emotionally attached to him and c) hormones. Why should I bear all the onus for it? He knew perfectly well what he was doing, and, in fact, I gave him the opportunity to walk away before the um, action began. Moreover, I shall never see him again. He will have to deal with his guilt (if he has any) in his own fashion.

    I see nothing wrong with wanting to have the company of a man, if only for a short period of time. I am not looking for a husband (God forbid), a meal ticket or a Father for my stuffed toys.

    I have gone very long feeling unfeminine, not flirting with anyone, dressing up, being a woman...but you two guys are so pig-headed and do not understand a mature woman's point of view at times (and I know you both love me as I love you two), but men and women are hardwired differently and we think differently.

    Healing? Forget it. Some wounds will never heal. Am I supposed to wallow for the rest of my days? No, I don't think you guys want me to do that and I certainly don't want to do that either. I will admit that I am very bitter and it serves me well as far as men are concerned.

    Do I plan to get emotionally involved again soon? No goddamn way---I have learned my lesson and believe me, I shan't forget it.

    Hurt? I cannot be hurt anymore than I was. I will never allow myself to even come close to there ever again.

    I shall certainly make it a point not to date a coward/nutbar/paranoid/self-proclaimed sex addict who sees terrorists ships anchored in the harbour and turns off the TV because people are staring at him. No way. Uh uh.

    I thought at least you two would be happy that I am making an effort.

    What is wrong with trying?
     
  7. ebbnflo

    ebbnflo REAL- LAOT Hermit

    Joined:
    Nov 29, 2005
    Messages:
    970
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Arizona
    Sorry that I had to quote the whole thing, but, I HAD to quote the whole thing!
    Truth is just ringing all over the place in that post. Ditt to the O. LOL

    Also, PC, I have to say that I am TERRIFIED of having to go through the whole dating/relationship/ blah blah blah crap already, and your post, just made it about 500 times worse! LOL:eek3:
    Nope. Nope. Nope. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.:noes:
    I do NOT want to do it. As it is, I am starting to have guys send messages to my myspace account, and they mostly make me want to hurl.
    The thought of it literally makes me queasy. I can't imagine finding another man that will accept me and all my weirdness, and my faults, any more than I can imagine finding a man that I can actually trust. I am scared to death, and I seriously think I'd rather be alone. I am not one who has ever really had a problem being alone. I've been okay with it all my life, really. Maybe I just don't really know how to rightly be a couple.....
    but, OMG , I am sorry. This is YOUR post...rgh, sorry.

    Anyway, "they" say you find "that person" when you are NOT looking.
    So, I dunno, maybe it's not such a good idea for you to be looking right now?
    I don't see the problem with just meeting new people and enjoying someone else's company, but maybe that should be IT, for now?
     
  8. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

    Joined:
    Oct 8, 2002
    Messages:
    10,498
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Care,for all is like a bonsai tree
    I don't know where you learned your 'ethics' but here the person who drives the get away car , is just as guilty as the bank robbers. In your thoughts the bank is robbed but its like 'im only driving the car so im not guilty' , you participated in adultery and you know it.


    I do want you to be happy, to be honest i think you have been thru a lot, that 'pigheads' comment was unwarrented, at the same time you say you know some of the asylum members here love you which is true, and you know me better then to give that 'you don't know what a woman feels' flagship comment , i know the 'whats a man without a woman, woman without a man song' well enough, honestly i understand your desire for company in your life 'complete and absolutely' , however it is my statement that in this 'fragile' period i predict that you get submitted in relationships to forces that you are simply 'not able to cope with' , which you admitted. And what i am saying is merely 'protection' , i know you by now, and that you tend to walk away from people who say things that you dislike, but you know what they say , everything that is good for you tastes bad. I don't want to give you too much of that bitterness, but a little here and there just so you won't drag yourself nor other people into the bottomless pit of darkness that you are currently residing in. Watch OUT!
     
  9. johan

    johan Active Member

    Joined:
    Nov 4, 2003
    Messages:
    5,123
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Sahasrara; magnetic violet infinite
    I always give reasons to substantiate my advice. If you choose to ignore it, that's ok.

    But I never give pointless advice, and I took the time to give a long, reasoned response because I felt you deserved that much at least. At least do me the return courtesy of seriously reading my advice, instead of just dismissing it because it's not a cheerleading, GO PUPPYCAT GO message.

    And don't think for one second that I don't understand your point of view, either because you're (self-described) mature or that you're a woman.

    First of all, I'm older than you probably think. Second, bringing out the gender card? I'm sorry, but that is just pure baseless avoidance on your part.

    Therapy is therapy. And yours is not a gender based issue, so I don't believe that you need to be a woman to understand or advise on your situation.

    What I believe is that you dislike hearing advice that doesn't agree with what you want to do. Regardless if the advice is good, or if it came from young or old, man or woman.

    As for your recent experiences, I will just say that online dating only exacerbates the situation as the kind of man you describe wanting, will be a rare creature in the online dating world.

    Good luck to you.
     
  10. johan

    johan Active Member

    Joined:
    Nov 4, 2003
    Messages:
    5,123
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Sahasrara; magnetic violet infinite
    Please read my first post again.

    1) the type of person you will "CLICK" with will be unhealthy.

    2) you will be locked into this relationship, and it will be twice as hard to climb out

    3) you KNOW damn well you are only desperately wanting the company of a man to distract you from the pain. You know damn well this is not healthy. You know you're not healthy yet.


    Hypothetically, if you could go back in time to JUST before the world came crashing in, wouldn't you have liked someone to lay a gentle hand on your shoulder and say "No, don't go in there. It looks inviting, but actually it's very dark, and that way lies pain".

    Well HERE is that hand on your shoulder. Don't go in there. That way looks comfortable, but what you'll really find is PAIN.
     
  11. johan

    johan Active Member

    Joined:
    Nov 4, 2003
    Messages:
    5,123
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Sahasrara; magnetic violet infinite
    This commonly happens to addicts (as an example only) who hook up while they're using. Addiction dominates their world, and it becomes a primary feature of their relationship too.

    However, when one of them enters rehab or comes off using...the energy fuelling the relationship disappears too. That is, unless they've reinforced each others addiction to much, that one or both of them died as a result.

    And with Puppycat, her trauma, though not as bad, probably dominates her every waking thought. Correct me if I'm wrong on this. Even when you don't speak of it, as on a new date, it still underlines every thought, every gesture, every action.
    Why did he just do that? Is this a repeat of HIM? HE used to do that too.
    HE used to say that too.

    Anyways, believe it or not, the best (and only way) you're going to meet a better class of person....is NOT to go trolling thru the online sites, or to start scraping around, dating loser after loser after loser. Waste of precious time and emotional energy.

    Work on yourself. Change all those things about you that you don't like. This is not any disrespect, EVERYONE has things they would like to change about themselves.

    You will attract different people automatically. :)
     
  12. ebbnflo

    ebbnflo REAL- LAOT Hermit

    Joined:
    Nov 29, 2005
    Messages:
    970
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Arizona
    Well, I gotta tell you, I have seen and felt, and will never forget what is wrong with wanting to have the company of a married man.
    I've been on the receiving end of the woman who thought the same thing you just stated.
    But you already know all that.
     
  13. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

    Joined:
    Oct 8, 2002
    Messages:
    10,498
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Care,for all is like a bonsai tree
    Karma IS real there is 'justice' in the universe and it will turn around and come back to kick in the ass, you know Shineshop you give good advice and would it be so for a normal single person it would actually fit perfectly however in this case its 'not' so good advice , there is instability because of the emotional 'bagage' here which needs to be thrown overboard, it gives a lot of ruckus when you refuse to let an emotional issue from the past that is hurting you go. Its all very delicate and it requires strong decisive emotional decisions that will leed to spiritual stability for this individual,in which forgiveness will play a key factor.

    These things she is doing now is absolutely dreadfull into achieving an emotional recovery by jumping into the rocky world of relationships. I won't allow it that she goes back into the mud pool that she just managed to climb out of more or less.
     
  14. Cerridwen

    Cerridwen Guest

    :hug:
    I've been there too and I could never understand what that 'other woman' is thinking that she felt it was okay to step into my spot and break up my marriage.
    Of COURSE it takes two to tango, but it is just as much her fault as it was my husband's fault. I have very little respect for anyone who chooses to pursue a relationship with a married man (I'm sorry PuppyCat).
     
  15. Cerridwen

    Cerridwen Guest

    It's a LONG story and not right for this thread, but after him leaving me for her we filed for divorce and ended up reconciling. We've been married for almost 6 years now and back together for about 4.5 years.
    This other woman seemed to think nothing of the fact that we were a family. We had a 3-4 year old daughter at the time. She didn't care what she was doing to our family, destroying it how she did (I fully admit that it is my husband's fault too before anyone jumps on that).
    I have very little respect for people who are willing to break up a family.
     
  16. ebbnflo

    ebbnflo REAL- LAOT Hermit

    Joined:
    Nov 29, 2005
    Messages:
    970
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Arizona
    Adultery sucks. I don't want to turn PC's thread into an attack or magnifying glass on that one topic. I am sorry, PC.
    I was not trying to make this thread about you and the married man, and I hope we can all get back to what the actual topic of the thread is.

    Human beings are human beings.
     
    Last edited: Jan 27, 2006
  17. Go hang out at a college campus :naughty:
     
  18. PuppyCat

    PuppyCat O.T. Mom

    Joined:
    Feb 6, 2005
    Messages:
    1,047
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Land of Provincialism
    OUCH!

    I am leaving for a well-deserved 2 week vacation on Monday. I have printed out your comments and will re-read them.
    Don't heed your advice? You know I do. If I had not, well, let's not go there.
    I'm trying to figure where I belong, what I should do, how I should "be". I have lost nearly a whole year, a year that I can never get back, and I am tired of floundering, being uncertain and sad.
    Perhaps I am pushing the envelope too far too quickly. I do not know.
    It is like suddenly waking up and realizing that there are so many, many things out there to try. Perhaps my self-respect shrugged just a bit and I will offer no comment. I know I will fumble, slip, fall, but I also know that I will jump, fly and possibly soar.
    Am I healed? No. Somethings will never heal, and it is my responsibility to deal with them the best way I know how.
    Do I compare? You raise a very good point Johan...I find myself thinking "Ya, ya, I have heard that line before." However, knowing that I do that, serves as a beacon to be careful, to remain detached, and to be on my guard.
    I am trying.
    I want to be alive. Dating is scary. On-line dating is well, ah, my jury is still out on it, but it seems like a lot of empty nothing.
    I do know some things tho, cos I have had almost a year for reflection. You people (and you know who you are) have made a very big impact on my life and I will continue to rely on your good advice, sound opinions and caring.
    Words from my heart.
     
    Last edited: Jan 28, 2006
  19. I'd encourage you to keep dating and have new experiences. Even though the fling with the married man was a mistake, any new memories are going to help you replace and get over the old ones that haunt you. If you don't you will always be thinking about the past because that's the life experience that stands out the most.

    Right now you might be looking for that perfect person to take you away from the misery. It's not going to be an easy fix. The more people you meet the closer you will get to realizing what is truly important to you in a partner.

    Have a great time on your vacation!
     
  20. ChosenGSR

    ChosenGSR Mama always said you'd be the chosen one

    Joined:
    Oct 24, 2001
    Messages:
    51,000
    Likes Received:
    218
    Location:
    HoCo, MD
    I hear ya, cheaters are the lowest of low on this earth. Sad that most people don't get it until they are on the receiving end of this horrible deal.
     
  21. johan

    johan Active Member

    Joined:
    Nov 4, 2003
    Messages:
    5,123
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Sahasrara; magnetic violet infinite
    Have a good time on your vacation.
     
  22. ebbnflo

    ebbnflo REAL- LAOT Hermit

    Joined:
    Nov 29, 2005
    Messages:
    970
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Arizona
    I hope you really relax and enjoy every bit of your time away. Really take care of yourself.
     
  23. PuppyCat

    PuppyCat O.T. Mom

    Joined:
    Feb 6, 2005
    Messages:
    1,047
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Land of Provincialism
    :) Thank you. I am going to Colorado (and no, I do not ski and I am not going to even try, I know my limitations).

    I'll piss in the snow for ya.:rofl:
     
  24. ebbnflo

    ebbnflo REAL- LAOT Hermit

    Joined:
    Nov 29, 2005
    Messages:
    970
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Arizona
    Build a snow man for me and give him a big boner because penises make me happy and they make me:mamoru: .

    If I built a snowman (without my kids around) that's what I'd do, and then I'd laugh my ass off, and then I would think about it a few hours later and laugh some more, then a few days later, same deal. LOL
     
  25. PuppyCat

    PuppyCat O.T. Mom

    Joined:
    Feb 6, 2005
    Messages:
    1,047
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Land of Provincialism
    So I came back from vacation early. Vacation sucked. Wandering aimlessly again. I think tho, I'll stay out of the freak show for awhile. Maybe I should take up basket weaving.
     

Share This Page