SRS Dating somene in active addiction dosen't work

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by anomaly, Jul 29, 2004.

  1. anomaly

    anomaly If you weren't around for the original HA.net spli

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    So I'm figuring out. I already KNEW this, but haven't really taken it to heart. Every time she drinks it hurts me, and it's definately gonna take me close to relapse if I don't change it. Why does she have to be so damned amazing? :hs:
     
  2. nukegoat

    nukegoat New Member

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    You can't change her and despite her good qualities, there is a glaring incompatibility...

    That sucks though man, I understand.
     
  3. 12xalt

    12xalt petrolsexual

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    if she can't curb her drinking knowing that you are in recovery then you should not be around her

    you are what is most important in your own life, no matter what other wonderful qualities she may have, if what she is doing will affect you in a negative manner, then you need to move on, no woman is worth that risk
     
  4. Agreed, I'm really sorry anomaly that this has to happen. It seems so unfair sometimes when we have to let go.
     
  5. nukegoat

    nukegoat New Member

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    :werd: :werd: :werd:
     
  6. kitty

    kitty Uppity ass cat OT Supporter

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    My heart goes out to you. Would you be willing to try Al-Anon? I have been a member for too many years, yet not enough.

    I remember the day I realized...Oh Hell, I thought I had step one down! "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol-that our lives had become unmanageable"

    I really am powerless over alcohol. And that included the effects it has on people I love. 100% powerless. All I could do was work on me. Man, it sucks but it beats the alternative.

    If you ever need to talk please feel free to contact me.
    Peace be with you,
    Kitty
     
  7. 12xalt

    12xalt petrolsexual

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    my experience with living with someone in recovery was that I simply didn't drink when I knew I would be around them, I considered it simple respect, even though the person had told me that they didn't mind, I thought I would resent the limitations I'd put on myself, but I didn't

    If I was going to be away for the weekend, I would have a few drinks, I would just make sure that it was out of my system, off of my breath, sweated and showered away before I came home


    odd thing now is though, that after living in such conditions, I actually don't miss it, I went out and bought a couple of bottles to have at home and I've barely touched them, when I go out now, I hardly ever have anything to drink, I guess because not having became the norm and I found that there are other non-alcoholic things that taste just as good to me and in many cases taste better

    :dunno:
     
  8. 12xalt

    12xalt petrolsexual

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    maybe fear :hs: fear certainly isn't always rational

    maybe having to be around it while at work, and on occasion when he's with other friends is overwhelming and having the woman he loves doing it to, even though he can't see it, might be too much for him to take at this point in his life
     
  9. 12xalt

    12xalt petrolsexual

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    :uh:

    proof of love

    dunno why I didn't think of that before

    in almost every relationship each person asks the other to give things up, I'm gonna take a wild guess that this is one of those things, one of those "if you truly love me you won't" type of things, once asked not to, it's like cheating if you do, only instead of it being cheating with another man or woman, it's alcohol, but the same concept, like going away for the weekend and making out with another guy, you don't do it, why, because you love the other person, doesn't matter whether before you met them it was ok for you to do such things or not, it matters now simply because to prove that you love them, you won't do them now

    sacrifice, although not a large one, because you were asked to, by someone you love, to prove that you are stong and that you can do it, if they can trust you to do that which they've asked, they can trust you to depend on you for greater and more important things
     
  10. Probably projecting his past experience and fear onto you. People who have experienced their own personal hells [family alcholism, or personal] sometimes often think the same vice that caused their fall will do the same to someone else they care about - or at least they fear it might. I'm not saying this is the cause, but it is the first thing I thought of.

    In this case however - you have choices you can make. Asking someone to abstain is ok, telling them to abstain is not. It's your body, and your choice. You have to decide what is in your best interest. If it's too stressful on the relationship - then again, choices must be made.

    I also agree with 12Xalt. But, I also think it's a very difficult tight rope act when someone asks something of someone like that - depending what it is. Somethings are much more serious than others, and you have to decide how serious it is to you.
     
  11. You have every right to make the choice on your own. If anyone trys to impose their will on you - you have the right to set a boundry and tell them the choice is yours and yours alone, not theirs.
     
  12. metoots13

    metoots13 New Member

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    hmmm, Metallic is right, but the thread started with someone talking about dating a person in active addiction, that is quite different from someone who has an occasional drink, but the same effects possibly on the person in recovery. I have chosen not to date or be around people in active addiction also, I found that when I relapsed it was because I was with someone who was drinking and I convinced myself (they didn't convince me, they actually tried to talk me out of drinking) that one wouldn't hurt, however, as I soon found out, it led me back down the path of horror and fear, withdrawal from the drug and withdrawal from society as well ... luckily I lived through it and am in recovery
     
  13. anomaly

    anomaly If you weren't around for the original HA.net spli

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    Well, there goes the 'lets see if Nate can date someone who drinks a lot while he has 2 1/2 years sober' experiment. It's done. Not that I thought it would truly go anywhere in the first place. It just made me feel like shit.
     
  14. You made the best decision for you. Your recovery, and your peace of mind are far more superior to any short-term pleasure or adventure that might come from any harmful - or potentially harmful - relationship.
     

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