SRS Dating an older women with a child, wat to do?

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Rodthrower18, Sep 13, 2006.

  1. Rodthrower18

    Rodthrower18 New Member

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    Im seeing a woman thats 3yrs older than me which is no big deal, but she has a child, which SHOULDNT be a big deal, but it is, and for one reason only, the child's father. He's much like my own biological father never coming around till its convienient for him, and it really upsets her(understandably so). Whenever she has problems with him she gets really closed off thinkin that she doesn't wanna talk to me when shes in a bad mood with him bc she doesn't wanna affect our new relationship negatively, which I can completely understand, but hopw do I let her know that im here for her if she needs to talk or vent?? I sent her a text but didn't get any reply and i dont want to keep texting or callin only to irritate her further. I care for her deeply and dont want to ruin what we have(its my greatest fear). I haven't met her child yet since we are still so new(will be a month come tomm night) and I understand that as well, I don't want to disrupt the childs life in the event that we dont make it. I want to see her so much, but between work and school and no frequent babysitter its hard to see her at all. I understand alot of her feelings which is great but I dont know wat to DO about it. I want to support her and let her know that im here for her, but i dont want to make it look like im rushing to get in her business. This is a very delicate situation, and one that i've never been in before. This is very new to me, she is basically everything i ever begged God for and i dont wanna do anything to fuck it up, im pretty sure im not bc we talk on the phone every night for at least a couple hrs after she gets off work and text each other in the mornings and stuff it also doesnt help that i am an EXTREMELY analytic person. I will churn over something i said or did for hrs playing out possiible reactions and scenarios. I also admitted a lot of feelings to her in a time of weakness when things were really bad with a loved ones health this last week, and she seemed fine with that, she sent me a text as soon as she woke up so im gonna stop typing this book and seek help hahaha:noes::noes:

    edit: I try to make light of things when im nervous and believe me i am NERVOUS i couldnt sleep at all last night, i felt like puking i felt like running, i felt like doing anything to get rid of nervous energy but couldnt so i lay there with this bottled up energy after we got off the phone(it was already late).
     
  2. kingtoad

    kingtoad OT Supporter

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    You need to get rid of your fears asap. You say your greatest fear is losing her. The moment she recoils, needs time, or space, you will become clingy and it will ruin the relationship. You need to back up. She knows she can talk to you about anything, but some things she feels are probably best kept for herself, or she doesn't like talking about them because it makes her upset and she doesn't want to be like that around you.

    Don't fear of losing the relationship, you'll become too paranoid, too clingy, and too persistent. When she needs time (You'll know when) give her time, when she needs space, give her spaces. You can tell when she'd rather be alone and not talk, don't question her, just let her be. She knows you're there for her already.
     
  3. dr.zed

    dr.zed DR.ZED OT Supporter

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    My wife and I have been together 8 years. Healthy, loving relationship and a 6.5mth daughter.

    We met each other when I was in College. I was almost 20 and she was 28, with a toddler who was about 2 years old.

    My biggest issue was how "involved" to get in the girls life. Do I discipline her? What do I do? I was very conflicted as to this, and I was young, still in school and parents didn't support the relationship for the first year or so.

    Finally I started settling into a role. My wife's ex was still in the picture, but had very little control, and wanted little. He was a bit of a bitch, and sort of a bi-polar girly man, who cries whenever things get tough and he can't handle it. Bottom line, he is an emotional train-wreck, who takes no responsibility and gets very power hungry when he feels he is losing control. For many years, this didn't come out until recently.

    I dealt with the ghosts of the relationship, specifically, do I want the rest of my life to be with a woman I love, and a child that isn't mine? I struggled with this for years.

    Suddenly, I just grew out of it, and didn't care and enjoyed my step-daughter being around. Definately a different relationship than I have with my daughter, but non the less I'm a good role model and try to be the best person.

    The biggest lesson I learned is that love comes in many packages. Many times you cannot choose or are blinded about it. Don't judge, and let things be. You CAN get by if you choose to.

    Would I do it again? My gut tells me no, but then I wouldn't have the phenomenal wife and daughter and step-daughter I do now.

    .... plus... I like MILFs... ;)
     
  4. blackgrrl23

    blackgrrl23 If the game ain't money, then I ain't playing.

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    That sounds exactly like my son's father...starts crying and bitching when he doesn't get his way :hsugh: He doesn't pay for shit, therefore he has no say :o


    Orig. poster...just give her some time :hs:
     
  5. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    Sounds exactly like my ex g/f. The ex hubby was a very part time dad and it really pissed off my ex.

    Just relax dude...you're trying to clarify situations in a new relationship and you don't need to do that right now. She'll open up to you naturally as she feels more comfortable around you and learns to trust you more. It's a natural part of a relationship.

    Try to just enjoy the time you have with her. No reason to bring deep issues up at this early stage. It's very likely that she has a lot of old issues from this past marriage and constantly dealing with an ex that is not interested in his child causes women to get very upset. They see the effects of the fathers actions FIRST HAND and they have to deal with them.

    IMO the best thing you can do is just let her know you're willing to talk about these things if she wants to. Then drop it if she doesn't want to share those things with you yet. There's time for all that deep talk later. In a new relationship....just enjoy the ride!
     
  6. johan

    johan Active Member

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    You really can't and shouldn't try to fix anything FOR her.

    If she comes to you for help -- you could offer a suggestion. When she's down and needs comforting -- that's what you're there for.

    But hardcore nuts and bolts fixing of their dysfunctional relationship -- that's not your job, and it's not your business. If they need help, they should seek it.

    Be wary of introducing 'fixing' behaviour in what is supposed to be a 'love' relationship.

    You love her, right? Support her emotionally. Love her. Be available to her.
    At the same time, respect yourself. You have needs, fears and hopes too. Realize that.

    Don't sublimate all your needs and wants to her needs and wants, just so you can get some.
    That is the most profound form of self-disrespect.




    You may find that your steadfast and unwavering emotional support will give her the courage and strength she needs to stand up to the ex, and straighten things out in her life, for herself, and her child.

    Do you see how this gift is more precious than anything else you could possibly give?

    Far more than interceding (interfereing!) on her behalf. You will have helped her become a better, more actualized person. And her child will benefit from that beyond what you can possibly know.
     
  7. big 1

    big 1 New Member

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    I WISH my exboyfriend would have read this....this one one of the things he did wrong when we dated..OP follow this advice.trust me...
     
  8. Rodthrower18

    Rodthrower18 New Member

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    Thx you guys A LOT!! I was a bit of a wreck myself when I first posted this my granddad(the man that raised me) was stuck in the hospital with tubes coming out of him, and any emotion I was feeling was just amplified. I don't want to "fix" her theirs nothing for me to fix, Johan you're right it's none of my business, and I understand that, she knows im here for her and I support her and that's what counts. Actually I met her child for the first time last night when I brought over some lasagna for us all(yes I cooked it to lol). We had a really good innocentish time just hanging out watching tv cuddled up on the couch no kissy kissy face bc I didn't want to upset the child(how this would upset her I dunno but im not tryin to make a bad first impression with the tiny one). Everyone enjoyed my cooking, even her child, who doesn't like much of anything from what I hear so that made my ego get a tiny bit bigger haha. I ended up staying WAY longer than I had planned to as well but I was just happy to be able to spend that much time with her for a change. So I think I can safely say our relationship just entered another level of trust, one that I intend to take the upmost care with. Long story short I was panicking bc of other stuff for no reason, and things are continually getting better between the two of us. My granddad is fine to, going to physical therapy and getting better . Thx again everyone for all of the excellent advice!!
     
  9. johan

    johan Active Member

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    You know, reading your response, you seem like an intelligent and thoughtful person who has the insight and empathy needed for a tough situation like this.

    I am sure you will come out of it just fine, and probably bring a lot of much needed healing to that family situation.

    Good luck to you.
     
  10. Rodthrower18

    Rodthrower18 New Member

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    Thx, it's greatly appreciated Johan.
     

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