darn confused

Discussion in 'Vaginarium' started by skelm, Jan 10, 2006.

  1. skelm

    skelm New Member

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    Ok so i'm 20 and i've been with my girl for just under a year now (she is 20 as well)...

    There is no denying that we both love each other, it's aparent to everyone and she has said that is still the case.

    Unfortunately for me though the bombshell has been dropped... She has said that she feels like she doesn't feel that spark anymore and she feels like she hasn't experianced enough to commit to someone yet, she told me she no longer really feels like herself....

    We both agreed that we don't want to lose the relationship and we want to work through this, So i've told her that I will give her a complete two weeks where I won't contact her (she can still contact me if she feels the need) so she can work out what is going on in her head without the added pressure of having me around...

    I'm scared though, I really didn't realise how much this girl meant to me until it felt like I might lose her...

    I just want to tap the advice of the people on here, find out what you guys and gals think.

    What can I do to help rekindle the old flame (I was thinking of reliving a previous date maybe?), what would make her feel special again without making her feel like I'm forcing her to feel that love again?

    Thanks in advance..

    Michael
     
  2. NVMY03GT

    NVMY03GT New Member

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    Personally I think your doing the right thing, let her clear her head, but at the same time, don't be waiting for her to call. This may be a test for you to see if your waiting by the phone. Bury yourself in your work or something.

    Remember man that are plenty fish in the sea. Don't be in such a hurry to settle down with one.

    Im guessing she is your "first" right?
     
  3. skelm

    skelm New Member

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    See that's the thing, she's not my first... This is my second serious relationship but I have had feelings for a few girls over the years.

    This is the only one I've ever had real feelings for though, and I didn't realise it until now.

    If you mean first girl i've physically been with as well this also isn't the case...
     
  4. NVMY03GT

    NVMY03GT New Member

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    Yeah the one you lost your Virginity too basically. That plays a key role sometimes.

    Maybe its just love instead of lust. Either way, make sure whatever is in her system is gone before you guys get back together. I know a lot of younger couples go through this drill consistently and it gets rather boring.
     
  5. Abomb

    Abomb New Member

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    my advice :

    start talking to other girls

    she MAY or may not want to be with you anymore.

    you will not know for sure. why should you wait around doing nothing while she "clears" her head?

    start talking to other girls.
     
  6. skelm

    skelm New Member

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    I've talked to other girls and i've thought of being with someone else but the mere thought of kissing another girl just makes me feel like a cheater... I think if we did split it would take a while before I could be with another girl...

    Oh god she's turned me into a sap :S
     
  7. Abomb

    Abomb New Member

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    I felt like a worthless pussy after my girlfriend and I of 3 years broke up.

    Then I realized I was in fact wrong feeling this way.

    Then I got angry, then I became motivated.
     
  8. skelm

    skelm New Member

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    I'm hoping I can do that but I think i'd prefer to try and work it out with her atm.. We have something great going on and I'd love to work it out, it may not be possible but I'm definately going to give it my best...

    Hey, either way i'll learn from this...
     
  9. skelm

    skelm New Member

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    Nope.. that's the weird thing. And if there was I would have known about it...

    It's more that she feels like she wants to work out who she is and get a better sense of identity...
     
  10. Digital_angel

    Digital_angel New Member

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    It was really the hardest thing for me when I asked my boyfriend that I needed a break. I thought that it was him and that maybe it was all to much. The first 2 days that was spent not being able to talk to him see him smiling when he saw me just killed me inside. Its smart of you to give her the space she might just need to get her head together and realize that she wants to be with you.
     
  11. skelm

    skelm New Member

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    Thanks Digital_angel.

    I've been stressing whether it's the best thing to do but at the end of the day it's never going to get better if I don't give her a break... A large part of relationships is sacrifice, time i made some.
     
  12. Abomb

    Abomb New Member

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    you must understand though, i am very untrusting of females

    so my views are pretty pessimistic towards women for the most part

    i dont hate them, i just find it really hard to trust them. when I hear "we need a break" or some shit like that, I automatically assume she is looking for "something else"
     
  13. skelm

    skelm New Member

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    Yup. I can totally relate. Although I know I can compelely trust my girl (and she is the most honest and outspoken person i know) trust is always and an issue in the back of my head, as much as I don't want it to be...
     
  14. Digital_angel

    Digital_angel New Member

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    No one wants to hear i think we need break. I go through the same thing with men. But its more of a i sometimes feel they will find some one more prettier or better. For the longest time i never wanted to get into a serious relationship i didnt want to get hurt.
     
  15. skelm

    skelm New Member

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    I've avoided the issue for so long.. after a couple of bad experiances in the past. It was differant this time though, I actually started feeling like I wanted to commit.. and when I did it's kind of like she was suddenly unsure if she wanted to commit...

    It's all so damn confuddling.
     
  16. Digital_angel

    Digital_angel New Member

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    I hope that you have told her how you feel, make sure that both of you talk about your feelings. Both need to be aware of how you feel.
     
  17. skelm

    skelm New Member

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    I've told her and yeah she knows...

    Unfortunately when I asked her how she felt she said she still thought of me as a boyfriend, still had very strong feelings for me but she was somewhat confused and didn't have that spark that we had not too long ago in the relationship... Bad sign?

    I think giving her the space to work out how she feels as well as the chance to miss me is the best thing I can do for her at this point :big grin: I'd definately consider anymore advice people had to offour though, would be greatly apreachiated.
     
  18. maybeitsyou

    maybeitsyou New Member

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    my gf and i are on a break, but its under some weird terms...we still talk and stuff and hang out just not as much and dont kiss or hug or anything....so strange...i miss her a lot though and i wonder if she feels the same way
     
  19. PocoDiablo

    PocoDiablo New Member

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    You know, this is a very enlightened point of view in my opinion. Only for the fact that it means that you are actually aware of what is going on, you are paying attention to details, and you don't let some one take advantage of you. This, when tempered with moderation, can give you a distinct advantage when in a relationship because you are not BS'ing youself that some chick loves you unconditionally. If Skelm were to do that, he'd probably be acting differently right now. I know I would be.

    Now the situation at hand, to me, suggests that she is ready to move on. In fact, I've written a little article about this over on my site, which you may want to check out:

    http://www.friendzoned.com/content/view/18/1/

    I'm always in the process of refining it, so take a look and give me some feedback that may be more specific to your situation. Specifically, check the section on what you did wrong and what not to do (last few paragraphs.)

    Yeah, that's a VERY bad sign. In my humble opinion, what this means is that you have become boring or predictable if you're the serious type (which you strike me as, by your posts) or maybe you've become too out of control, abusive, mean (if you're the agressive type, which I don't see in you.) Women HATE boring.

    From your posts, it looks like you "talked" to her about "things" which really means you are having therapy with her. For example, last night my fiance and I got into it. She's been in a bad mood for the past week due to some extenuating circumstances, and she's been going off about everything. I finally told her that I am sick of being her therapist and it makes me upset and not want to be with her. After some more talking (sigh) we came to an interesting revelation: We had stopped going out to bars and such and as such the "therapy" had increased. However, the most important thing was that we realized we go to bars and rip on other people, like the crappy service, the bad food, the smoky bar, lack of parking, etc., and THAT in and of iteself allows us to vent our daily frustrations (i.e., work, commute) without actually talking about them or getting on each others nerves.

    So the solution is two fold for both you and I: Go out. Talk less about serious topics. Flirt. Joke. Have fun. However....

    At this point the most important thing you can do, in my opinion, is to pull back as much as possible. Don't call her. When she does call you, keep the converstation light and fun. Avoid all serious topics, especially over the phone, and instead keep it short and have plans to go out. You want her to call and you are not there or pick up while you are at some loud bar so she knows you are out having fun.

    I would recommend you go out with some friends to a bar or club and just have a good time. In addition, as hard as it would be, if you meet some women, flirt and ask for their phone number (but don't go on a date with them.) This is an opportunity to go back to whoever you were when you met your GF. You, the funny, flirty, unpredictable wild party guy. Ideally, you would want your GF to know that other women are paying attention to you, but not that you are dating them or screwing them. And, you can't tell her, either, other than to respond to her question of "What have you been doing lately" with a answer like "Just meeting new people, hanging out with friends, etc." If you talk about other women she'll dump you, just like you'd dump her if all she did was talk about other men.

    All you need to do is realize that YOU have changed in some way, and you are probably violating my understanding of what women find attractive - a guy who has self control, self confidence, and is entertaining but unpredictable. In essence, a gentleman who is fun to be with yet won't be controlled.

    Personally, I think a major issue here is that she has control over the situation, and probably over the relationship to some degree. I find that women do not like to have total and complete control, but instead want to be with a man who will help them make decisions in the relationship. Its like she has to take care of you and you're her kid. Here she seems to be the one who wants a break, and you're just puppy-dogging along saying "Sure, yeah, whatever you want" and kissing her ass telling her "Let's still be friends." She doesn't want that, trust me. She wants you to stand up and say "Hey, if you walk out that door I'll go find someone else." This is the self confidence that you are not displaying.

    This may be a little harsh, but really I think it would have been good for you to tell her something like "Um, hey, I can understand you may be having second thoughts, but when you tell me you want to take a break I interpret that as you saying you want to see other men because you are not in love with me. If you really loved me, you wouldn't do anything to upset me, and this CLEARLY upsets me. You're welcome to take your little break, but you're not going to be dating me again and we're not going to be friends afterwards, so make this decision carefully. I expect my partner to be loyal AND faithful, and what you are doing is neither. I won't stick around to be mistreated like that." This shows her that you have a backbone, which is - in my opinion - something that all men need to have from time to time. If you are the type who has avoided fights for sake of avoiding them, then this is probably a much more real issue than you know. In my opinion, you *have* to stand up for yourself every now and again.

    So what to do? Well, stop being so boring for one. If she needs therapy, get her a psychologist. You don't want to be her child, her dog, her "Yes man" and do whatever she wants.

    You need to be her boyfriend, lover, partner, and more mature like a father figure.

    If you can post some more details about how you interact and what you think went wrong, I am sure people can speak more to that as well.

    Good luck.
     

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