SRS Damnit! Girlfriend's past is getting to me and its turning me off! ADVICE PLEASE

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by GRocks10, Oct 8, 2005.

  1. GRocks10

    GRocks10 New Member

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    DAMNIT! Girlfriend's sexual past is getting to me! What to do? ADVICE PLEASE

    So the woman I'm in a relationship is already a month.. I met her through a friend at a get-together at his place that he was having.. she is down for sex already but I rather wait it out with her till I'm sure because of some things that I've found out from her that has been really bothering me.

    First off, she loves to goto clubs and party every weekend.. she knows I'm not up because I want to stay more serious on my career and our relationship. I have talked to her about how I feel with guys that may just want to use her for sex.. she tells me she would never jepordize our relationship and as much as I want to believe her something tells me that she might fuck up.. because of the fact that shes been with 12 guys and she just turned 18 recently.. I'm 19 years old.. anyhow, she lost her virginity when she was 15 to her ex bf.. I feel for only 3 years that 12 guys is a ALOT for a chick.
    Anyhow, being a guy you would imagine that I'd love the idea of screwing her whenever I want because given the situation shes up for having sex with me when I want.. problem is, I want it to be worth it to both her and I. I want her to feel an attachment for me, not just a "oh, well I got to fuck my bf.. another guy to add to the list there". heh.. but as sad as it is to say this.. I'm IMTIMIDATED by the amount of guys shes been with and I'm not really sure if she takes sex as important as I do... this is coming from a guy that doesn't want to be like every other guy out there that just WANTS SEX but when given the oppurtunity which has been quite successful wants to do it with a girl hes in a commited relationship with and has feelings for her.. and shes starting to have feelings for me and says she cares about me, etc.. but the feeling of knowing how many guys shes been with scares me sometimes.. I feel like she might have an STD.. as much as she tells me she has been tested and is clean I just get worried.. I guess part of it bothers me knowing shes always wanting to goto the clubs and I'm not there and temptation can get the best of her since I currently won't put out.. shes the type that would get hit on alot since shes really beautiful.

    AND NOW its to the point that when I'm around her and she wants to fuck.. I actually sometimes get turned off that I don't even have the "chase" anymore with her.. because shes been with so many guys. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I want a more "pure" chick, and I just don't know if this girl will last for a long time given the circumstance of her passed with guys.. shes never been really commited or treated right and I want to change that mindset of her..

    So what do you guys recommend? Am I beating a dead horse here.. should I break things off, is this something I should talk to her about with all the guys she been with of how its effecting me? I'm confused.. there are many great qualities about her but right now I'm listing the things that bother me so you all can hopefully offer some advice for me.

    If it was me.. giving advice like I usually do.. I would've broken up with her awhile ago but something wants me to stay with her because I feel like she needs a guy who can show her what a REAL relationship should be like.. and I've been wanting a relationship myself lately and I feel sortof like I'm filling the void in my current state.. but I just don't know if this is the right decision I'm making.
     
    Last edited: Oct 8, 2005
  2. rookie

    rookie New Member

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    I like to call that "Superman Syndrome"

    Trying to save the world one woman at a time. My experience is that is USUALLY isn't worth the effort. You shouldn't want to date someone to change them. Find someone more your speed and I think you will be glad you did.

    2 cents from the Avatar-less wonder. ;)
     
  3. GRocks10

    GRocks10 New Member

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    I totally agree with your reply and this is the main stepping stone on why I'm going towards the route of ending things completely with her but any other advice is ofcourse welcome that can help my situation in anyway positive or negative.

    rookie,

    I also thank you for your reply.. I am not trying to change her as a person, obviously I want her to be "real" regarding herself and our relationship but I feel I need to sortof use myself and how I am by talking to her about our relationship issuees and she can see the negative things I don't like that she does so she can I guess change but its more not about changing her.. instead, its more about having her open her eyes to something is that common sense that you shouldn't be out doing these things SO MUCH while being in a relationship that should be considered serious... the added bonus that shes been with so many guys is such a turn off beyond my mind but I give her credit for being straight up honest with me.. she knows that I want nothing but honesty as the # 1 thing in our relationship.. just feel bad that it hurts now to look at her the same way.
     
  4. DiggityDogg

    DiggityDogg Guest

    GRocks10,

    What's your problem with sex? If you want it to be "special" before you do it then you are going to have to look long and hard for someone else like you. As far as this girl goes, you have every right to be worried about her going out to clubs all of the time. Sex isn't a big thing to her at all because she has had a lot of partners for her age, and she enjoys it. You aren't giving it to her so if she continues to go to clubs she will get it from some guy there. A girl going to clubs gets hit on usually at leasdt 3-5 times (at least my gf does, and sometimes even when I am with her!). So a girl like yours is getting approached, shes not hard to bag, she loves sex, and you aren't giving it to her. So from a relationship standing point, you have a lot to worry about.

    That isn't the problem though. The problem is that this girl is not your type. You can't change a girl, and nor should you try to. She is who she is and if you try to change her then that is arrogant of you and wrong. Either you like her or you don't. IMO this is not a good match for you and this will end very badly for you if you continue down this route with her. You're going to find out that she cheated on you and you will be devastated. And that is if she even can stand being with you that long. You haven't been with her long and already you are getting clingy and such by worrying about her going out to clubs. I'm not saying you shouldn't because if you are in an exclusive relationship then she shouldn't even be needing to go to clubs so much. It just shows where her maturity level is.

    Anyways, I am drunk right now so I am kinda rambling, but the bottom line is that what you want in a girlfriend and a sex partner is not her. You can either deal with that at your own risk or you can move on and not waste your time on something that will inevitably backfire.
     
  5. AO

    AO New Member

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    So, what you're saying is that she's had sex but she hasn't been romanced and she's looking for love in all the wrong places. You're looking for love, too. So you have to romance her, you have to show her what love is because she has confused sex with love.

    You're both too young for a serious relationship. But she doesn't know any other way of life. So you should take her hiking, bowling, skating, swimming, to museums, plays, the circus, the amusement park, the symphony, a concert, a walk in the woods (parks won't do), sky diving, cave exploration, sailing, horse back riding, picking apples, a drive in the country at midnight so you can see the stars, a college football game, sharing hotdogs at a baseball game, etc.

    She's fly and wants to be a player. I've been there and passed up a great woman because of my clubbing. You can show her a different life, but it has be be one of sharing, where you share your life with her. Enjoy your time together and see if her eyes "travel" when you're together. If she shows signs that she wants to be with someone else, then she finds your life boring. Then just kiss her goodbye and thank her for being a part of your life and walk away with only the good memories. But if she proves to you that she is trustworthy, is faithful and that she wants to continue to share your life, then accept her for the person that she has grown into and revel in your good luck.

    It probably isn't her past that is turning you off but rather that you find her sex boring. So it up to you to teach her new tricks, to keep the sex lively and fresh. You have to show her that you love her company. So don't blame her, blame your insecurities, instead. Now that she is with you she has no past - she only has a present and a future. The responsibility is yours. Enjoy what you have while you have it.
     
  6. GRocks10

    GRocks10 New Member

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    I'm trying not to be like every other guy out there that just wants a chick for sex.. and because she has this mindset that is ALL guys want from her.. I WANT to teach her that I'm not LIKE EVERY OTHER GUY. Yes, I would love to screw the shit out of her.. its just the fact that I don't want to be another guy added onto her list.. I want her to feel an "attachment" for me before going through with it but thats not really the issuee.. the problem is that I myself have been noticing that I'm getting turned off when I found out how many sexual partners shes had and thats with sex alone having 12 guys before me.. I still wonder how many other guys shes been with by just hooking up that didn't involve sex.. that concerns me.

    The whole club thing.. its something I knew that she did when I met her.. I knew she went to the clubs but remember that I didn't meet her at one so I didn't know she was so into them until we got into a relationship and she wanted me to always come along but I'm not as big into it as she is so I told her to go ahead with her friends and have fun. I guess somewhere in the back of my mind she would've realized that going to clubs now that shes in a relationship would learn that you already found your man.. you don't need to keep going so much to these things so you can understand why I would be abit worried about her because she DOES get hit on alot. Obviously as a bf I'm gonna worry just like she always does when she sees girls smiling and talking to me. Anyhow, she has been realizing that this bothers me and she wants to work it out by doing other things ( bowling, movies, events, etc. ) so I'm getting that figured out with her now. Communication is something I guess you can say that we've been lacking and that was our problem which is very important to me in a relationship.. I guess my problem is that I hadn't been listing the negative things she does straight up with the cards all layed down and instead gave her bits of what bothered me. Its just now the whole knowing how many guys shes been with that concerns me.. I know most if not all would see NOTHING wrong in understanding my situation about catching sexual dieases, STDs, etc.
     
  7. Chicago

    Chicago Unleash The Dragon - Sexy Rexy For President

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    serious ppl in relationships can still go out to clubs etc and have fun, there's nothing wrong with it and it isnt detrimental to your relationship (sp?) .. ive been together w/ my g/f for 3.5 years and its def. a serious one. maybe you could try goin out to clubs with her and try to have some fun. you can still have a serious career/relationship everything while going out every now and then. Disclaimer: not trying to sound like an ass or anything by what i said, but maybe give her a chance, you are young as well, try to enjoy your life while you can before you start workng the rest of your life. this is the best time to do it. Maybe she wants to get it all outta her system and after her 21st she'll get down to bein more serious .. who knows .. give it a chance or talk it out
     
  8. GRocks10

    GRocks10 New Member

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    Yeah, I don't really see anything wrong with her clubbing so I tell her to go ahead with her friends and have fun because I have trust in her that she won't do anything fucked up.. I also go occasionally with her but it doesn't seem like its enough. I just don't want to see her going as much because it seems like she does every chance she gets.. I'm just getting tired of it and am not up for it like I usto be and want to do other things beside just that all the time and shes starting to come around understanding what I mean.

    But anyhow, I did all the clubbing stuff last year and had alot of fun partying/clubbing, etc. You do need to realize that I live in Miami, Florida.. right by SOUTH BEACH.. its like another planet.

    Shes been clubbing before she was even 18.. alot of these clubs don't even card the girls.. they let them in for free and make us guys pay our part which is pretty damn messed up if you ask me. Since its free for her most of the time, you can see why shes so into clubbing.. but I only hope it doesn't take the best of her.

    What can I say.. I guess we both have our heads in different directions as it seems in this point of our life and I really think I'm gonna have a talk with her about these issuees.. possibly end things. I think if I'm going through all this BS a month and some odd week, its just not worth it for the long haul.. might backfire like someone above mentioned. Just confused..
     
    Last edited: Oct 9, 2005
  9. DiggityDogg

    DiggityDogg Guest

    See this is the problem. For one, don't listen to her excuse that "all guys want from me is sex, and I want a guy who will really want ME" crap. It's bullshit. It is. In my time I dated two girls who said the exact same thing and I did the completely wrong thing and tried to prove to her that I was different. They both left my pathetic ass, and I was heartbroken.
    There are a couple of problems here. One, is that she is full of shit, and she is saying that so she doesn't come off as a slut. She's painting herself out to be a victim of bad guys, but the truth is that she enjoys and loves sex. That's it. If you hold off to prove some silly romance novel point, then she will quickly bore of you and leave.
    The second problem is you. If you really are a good guy, then she will know in due course. If you sit there and go out of your way to "prove" that you are different, then it makes you look pathetic and insecure. Read your own post, you sound like a guy that has no backbone and no self confidence. You said that you would love to have sex with her but you want to teach her first that you are a different guy. What the hell kind of crap are you talking about? If you want to have sex with her, then do it. Having sex with her doesn't make you like every other guy. If you are a good guy, then you are a good guy with or without the sex. The fact that you are adjusting what you want to try to "teach" a girl something about you shows that you don't have enough respect for yourself to allow her to find out on her own by you simply being you. If you are a good guy, then she will know.

    If she repeats this whole sex BS she told you about, it's just that she doesn't want to come off as a slut, even though she really wants to have sex. If you want to, then do it. It doesn't make you a bad guy to want sex, that's what this whole feminazi movement wants men to believe. Men love sex, and so do women. Don't be ashamed of it, and don't worry about what someone thinks about you if you do it. If you worry about that, then you don't have enough self confidence, because a self confident man wouldn't worry about whether or not she will think he is a good guy if he wants sex. That's just silly.
     
  10. PocoDiablo

    PocoDiablo New Member

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    Long story short, I've been there.

    Look, everyone has a past. I've decided I would rather be with an experienced woman than a virgin. Experience is much more fun.

    You have a past as well. We all have pasts. Get over yourself.
     
  11. DiggityDogg

    DiggityDogg Guest

    Now that depends on the girl. You are in a serious relationship for 3.5 years, and I am assuming that your girlfriend hasn't been with a truckload of guys in a short number of years either. My gf goes out with her girlfriends sometimes to clubs and I tell her, "Go have fun and he safe" and don't worry about it at all. My girlfriend has only been with two guys, her exboyfriend whom she made wait an entire year before having sex, and then me, and we;ve been together about 2 and a half years.
    This guys story is different. He is in the beginning stages of a relationship, she is only 19 (bad age!), and she has already been with many people. SO yes, he definately has a lot to worry about if he is in an exclusive relationship.

    To the OP, if you cannot get over the fact that she's already banged AT LEAST 12 guys (not so sure I would believe her number-girls generally lie about this), then you need to either end the relationship right now, or drop it and get over it. It's not fair that you continue a relationship with someone when you already know she's been around, and then stay with her and punish her about it. Not fair at all. Either accept it and drop it, or break it off and move on.
    The fact that she is willing to communicate about finding other stuff to do besides clubbing with you is a good sign but doesn't mean she is truly a great girlfriend. Just a step in the right direction, and shows that her interest level in you is decent.
    Just remember, don't try to change her. If you can't accept who she is then don't be with her. And even MORE IMPORTANTLY, if it turns out that you aren't down with who she is, don't settle for it. Always put YOU first when dating. If there are a lot of things about her that make you worry or bring you down, then end it. Show a backbone and don't tolerate stuff that you don't like. Never let her disrespect you, never let her always have her way, never become a pushover. If things go down hill then remember that you deserve the type of girl that you want, and if she isn't it, then it's over and you will break it off with her. There are a ton of girls out there, don't settle with someone that doesn't make you 100% happy.
     
  12. DiggityDogg

    DiggityDogg Guest

    Don't be a fool. I'm not saying that she will do this, but don't be a fool. Trust should be EARNED, not just thrown out there because you want to believe someone. Sheesh!
     
  13. bowrofl

    bowrofl New Member

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    Haha I wish I knew this one a year ago :wtc:
     
  14. GRocks10

    GRocks10 New Member

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    Diggity Dog,

    I really do believe you have this total different mindset of what kind of guy I am.. but the truth be told I am actually a VERY self confident person, everybody tells me this.. my girl gets jealous when I talk to other girls and sees them smiling and getting all flirty. I don't tolerate it and I let them know I have a girlfriend.. she knows this. I have no problem talking to both sexes.. alot of guys get nervous around women and have hard times dating.. I am the complete opposite. The truth be told.. I am a picky person with whom I get in a relationnship with and don't just put out like every other guy does.. I like to actually make the girl wait for it when I know both of us are commited to one another and have strong feelings such as love.. with so much diseses going around these days, you really need to be CAREFUL. THAT my friend, is what it comes down to.. I am imtimidated by how many guys shes rocked the boat with.. therefore, I AM SCARED that she could have all sorts of fucked up stds, herpes, who knows.. and I'm not ready to have my dick fall off by the time I'm 30.

    But anyhow, I am not a pushover.. if anything, I tell guys not to let women treat them that way. I am a "nice guy" with an edge.. I guess in easier terms: a semi ass at the same time.. it plays over quite nicely.. and as sad as I don't put out for this girl, she STILL keeps crawling back more than you believe.

    Its been a month.. she hasn't gone anywhere, she knows how I am as a person yet she still wants me in her life. She knows I'm not a pushover and she knows I'm not the type of guy that will buy her every and anything her heart desires.. if anything, she tells me she likes me because I have leadership qualities, goodlooking and she feels like I'm like a "father figure" to her.. because I'm mature for my age and I actually care about her well being.. which is something alot of her passed guys neglicted on.. really caring about her.

    When it comes down to it.. I don't believe this is the girl for me.. I gave it a chance but realized it might not be worth the hassle.
     
    Last edited: Oct 9, 2005
  15. DiggityDogg

    DiggityDogg Guest

    It may well be that you are giving me the wrong impression about you, but you did say that you want to prove to her that you are different from other guys. If you are different and aren't interested in just sex like some of her other partners, then you do not need to prove this to her. She knows. You also said that you really do want to have sex with her but are not only worried about the disease thing, but mainly about her thinking that's all you were after. As far as diseases go, I don't think you are that worried about it. Sure, it's on your mind, but after a month I think you are fairly certain that she's clean.

    You just tried to pass yourself off to me as a confident guy who has has experience in the past, but I think that if you were THAT self assured then you attitude would be, "hey, I'm not after just sex with her, and if she doesn't know that after a month of getting to know me, then that's her problem. I don't need to change my desires about what I want just to prove that to her." Meaning, if you are about more than just sex, great, but that doesn't mean you have to hold off having sex just to make some silly point. Besides, I don't buy her victim excuse about guys have only wanted sex with her in the past. I think the "one-night-stand" sex that she's had was mutual. This is the experience I have with a few girls in the past who said the same bullshit. They say that because they don't want to be thought of as easy, or as a slut, but the fact is, they aren't hard to get into the sack. If you want sex, then go for it. Don't be oversensitive about her feelings because I think she actually wants sex from you, but as I said, doesn't want the slut label on her.

    Also, her being 19 and having at least 12 partners, likely double, says a lot about her whether you want to acknowledge it or not. My brother had a big problem like this with a girl he was dating. She told him she had been with 14 guys and she was 21 years old. Turns out that number was more like 30-35. Who knows which ones this girl decided to count and which ones she is disregarding. With my brother, after him and that girl split, she went right back to sleeping with everyone on a moments notice. Keep that in mind.

    You sound like the type of guy to whom sex is a big deal, and to have it means something to you. I'm telling you that if this is the case, this is the wrong girl for you. You will not likely ever be able to forget about her past, and trust is a big part of relationships.
     
  16. GRocks10

    GRocks10 New Member

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    DiggityDogg,

    I thank you for your advice.. very helpful. Just to change a thing about it that you made me see alot of truth in what you say regarding her passed with how many guys shes been with.. in reality, she just turned 18 years old, not 19. If anything, this might be worse given the situation of her sexual partners. heh

    Your advice above that made me realize that you're right.. sex is a big thing to me.. a commited relationship should hold something special. This isn't the girl for me.. thanks for letting me see that in a BIGGER picture than how I already did.

    Time to break things off.. I know someone better is out there.
     
  17. GRocks10

    GRocks10 New Member

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    Btw.. cutting all the BS aside, I as a person have more respect for myself to have sex with a girl like this.. I have decided that I'd do it with her when I felt "love" or strong feelings.. this IS why I haven't gone all the way. Despite how many guys shes been with, I STILL wouldn't fuck her until I felt an "attachment" for her... not just for her but for me aswell. I haven't felt this way for her yet except that I do care about her.

    Even though, knowing how many guys shes been with DOES play a big role in whats turning me off about her which is why I made this thread. So what it comes down to basically.. I do want sex but I AM willing to hold out till I find love. Is anything really wrong with that?
     
    Last edited: Oct 9, 2005
  18. DiggityDogg

    DiggityDogg Guest

    Not at all, if that's what you want. I used to always say that as well, but later found out that I really did just want to have sex, but felt that I shouldn't. I look back on some of the babes I screwed it up with. They weren't girlfriend material for me, but I do regret not getting some experience before settling down. The hottest one was coming on to me hard but I didn't go through with it because I thought that holding back would show how good of a guy I was. Well, she broke it off after that weekend. Haha! Not that it is a big deal to me now because I wouldn't have wanted to be her boyfriend now that I know what a real girlfriend is like, but I can't say that I don't regret having sex with her when I could have... To each his own.
     
  19. JohnJohnJohnson

    JohnJohnJohnson Effetely Sipping My Latte OT Supporter

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    Tread very, very carefully, because this girl is obviously capable of having meaningless sex, and you are clearly not capable of that. At least in your current situation. Male and female stereotypes aside, when one partner knows how to have sex without giving a shit, and the other one doesn't, then the other one had better be damn cautious about the whole thing.

    It might also be possible that she does not love you enough to actually have meaningful sex with you. A person who sleeps around can still make intimate love, but whether or not they can do that with you is up in the air.
     
  20. GlassUser

    GlassUser send an email not a pm OT Supporter

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    Sounds like you have a disparity of needs. Your infatuation may be more in your head than reality. You might want to reconsider this relationship.
     
  21. GRocks10

    GRocks10 New Member

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    Thanks everyone for your advice. I have decided to end it all with her.. its not worth the trouble...

    For other news, while at a birthday party today,.. a friend of mine has this friend who is single and she says that I would be perfect for her since she knows what kind of guy I am.. the girl is around my age, beautiful, smart with a good personality, and is looking for a long term relationship. We shall see if anything happens..
     
  22. DiggityDogg

    DiggityDogg Guest

    *In my Napoleon Dynamite voice* Sweet!

    Hook it up brotha!
     
  23. GRocks10

    GRocks10 New Member

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  24. Ranger-AO

    Ranger-AO I'm here for the Taliban party. Moderator

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    Some women look at men as if they are only there to fuck or be fucked by. Those women are dangerous as all hell. Your gf seems to be one of those women.
     
  25. GRocks10

    GRocks10 New Member

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    Well, even better to hear that.. gives me more reason why breaking things off was the best decision. Atleast in my current situation anyhow so thank you. :wiggle:
     

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