SRS Daddy issues

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by JBunni, Feb 12, 2010.

  1. JBunni

    JBunni New Member

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    Not really sure what I'm expecting out of this. But I'm not really in a good place to be berated about this, so please, play nice. :sadwavey:

    Issue:
    Husband and I went to watch the Superbowl at my uncle's house. I had invited my dad to hang out with us. He came, but left in the middle of the game to go pick up his new girlfriend. He obviously knew we were going to be there, and did not bother to mention it to me.

    Background:
    My parents got divorced about 5 years ago. I knew they hadn't been in love for a long time, but it still hit me pretty hard, and was a huge change in my life. I think it was especially difficult, because I had been raised with a 'high moral standard'. No sex before marriage, no sex outside of marriage, no cheating, and divorce only under the most extreme circumstances. The divorce was difficult, but I could handle it. The worst part was my dad was shacking up with the woman he cheated on my mom with. I was very mad for a long time. But through circumstances I met her, had to spend some time with her (if I wanted to see my dad). Eventually I got to a relatively comfortable place with her (she was very nice, did lots of stuff for my sis, seemed like a good person). I was even okay with him bringing her to our wedding.

    3 months later, apparently he has dumped her. (he had moved out a year or so ago, and I knew they were having issues. Although he NEVER discusses that stuff with me). He told me a few weeks ago he had a new girlfriend. I was :eek3:, but let it go. Now he surprises me with meeting her, while I am not mentally prepared at all.

    My husband isnt much of a help with this. He mostly just suggests I should get over it, "like I did with the first girlfriend." As we were going to my uncle's house, I thought my dad might skip with us to hang with his girlfriend (he had said he might have plans). And my husband says "yeah, hes probably banging her right now." :eek4::ugh:

    Since the divorce, my dad and I have never had a super open relationship. And I know I have zero influence over who he would choose to date. I guess maybe I'm looking for an easy way to get comfortable, instead of going through another 4 awkward years, or until he dumps her for some new girl.
     
  2. tenxia

    tenxia OT Supporter

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    That IS uncomfortable...sorry to hear about the situation... :hs:
     
  3. Stilgar1973

    Stilgar1973 New Member

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    There really are not a lot of options. Getting over it is one. Severing your relationship with your Dad is another. Approaching him and saying that his current 'ho of the moment' isn't welcome around you is yet another.

    You have to choose your path.

    Maybe what is REALLY bothering you is that you haven't chosen. Sometimes the worst part of something is deciding on a plan.
     
  4. GregFarz78

    GregFarz78 New Member

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    He's your father not your best friend he doesn't have to talk about his personal life with you and you shouldn't be pissed at him for dating I agree with your husband just get over it you can't tell him who to date.
     
  5. johan

    johan Active Member

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    One of the most difficult stages of growing up is seeing our parents as less of the iconic figures of our childhood, slightly larger than life figures, measured to a higher (and sometimes, impossibly high) standard....

    .... and more for who they really are: as just regular people, with all of the difficulties, limitations and the very same human weaknesses and flaws that plague our own lives. They are most difficult to defend.

    Eventually, you hopefully do though. You don't have to be happy about it.



    But maybe you'll just accept that your dad is trying to be happy in his own little life. And that he doesn't have to really live "up" to your imagined standards.

    Especially as your dad gets older, and older, you definitely will come to a place where you regard all the time you spent begrudging him for his "weak" behaviour, as time wasted.

    This will be magnified 1000x over if his health fails and he spends his final days in a hospital.

    Ask me how I know this. :(



    Hope it all works out for you. If you can't deal with the new women in his life...just put some distance between you all. In a few months or years, it won't seem so difficult.
     
  6. Stilgar1973

    Stilgar1973 New Member

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    But you can tell him you won't associate with her and she is not welcome around you.
     
  7. JBunni

    JBunni New Member

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    I tried several of those the first time around. I don't know if it was time, or a combination of these 'methods' that got me over it.

    I disagree. I mean, I think we should have a somewhat open relationship. I mean, I dont want to know everything, or keep tabs on him. I'm not pissed, I just find it awkward, and somewhat disappointing.

    The new girlfriend, coupled with other weirdness between is just, eh. I dont want to not talk to him (my uncles get upset with me if I do this). I just find it odd he cant open up to me at all. For example, I was trying to find a song for the "Father Daughter" dance at my wedding. And I had some idea of the songs he likes, and stuff we used to listen to together when I was little. He never said "no" to it, but I could tell it made him uncomfortable to listen to it. So I asked him what he wanted, and he pulled out some weird song, and we listen, and he says "yeah, this is what I get my groove on with, this is how I get all the chicks". Me: :eek4::ugh::ugh2: why would you tell me that!?! Had he said that at another time, it still would be awkward, but dang, for my wedding?
     
  8. Socrates

    Socrates New Member

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    As hard as it is for you, this is all probably twice as hard for your dad. Regardless of whose fault it is, your Dad's life has been flipped upside down. I'm sure he has thoughts that he just wasted most of his life with the wrong woman.

    He's just trying to be happy just like you are.
     
  9. Ameter

    Ameter Active Member

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    perhaps you should realize that your moral code does not bind your father, and decide whether or not you want to accept him for the person he is and have him in your life or not
     
  10. vodkacollins

    vodkacollins New Member

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    i'm with your husband. bottom line, i assume you want your dad to be happy, and if this new woman makes him happy, then why do you let it bother you?

    you wanted your family to support you and your husband when you decided to get married even though there was some opposition, why not offer that same thing to your dad?
     
  11. Diesel66

    Diesel66 My standards for women is like rent-a-centers stan OT Supporter

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    .

    What's the issue ? he can do whatever he wants, just like you.
     
  12. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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  13. JBunni

    JBunni New Member

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    I'm not saying my moral code binds him. I'm saying its odd to be told "the right way to live my life" by someone for 16 years, and then have them turn around and walk all over everything they said.

    I suppose I will eventually 'get over it'. The thing is, I dont think hes really happy. Hes just lonely. I personally think he feels guilty over tons of random things he has or hasnt done in his life. He might be looking for happiness, but he'll never find it in a woman. He isnt right with himself. So seeing him reach out for whatever is closest is difficult.
     
  14. Spaceering

    Spaceering I bite.

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    you know, maybe your parents, or just your dad, were not directly responsible for the moral code you developed. Maybe it was solely your mom that kept you living up to the code you now follow today. I am also willing to take a guess and say your dad was doing this your whole life, but maybe it just was not as obvious. when kids grow up, parents tend to suddenly remove the filter they might have once had. An example, as a kid mom and dad always kept dirty jokes from you and just said that is for adults, but now that you are an adult they no longer do that and maybe even send you the jokes.

    take a look back, see if you can recall any strange signs of behavior from your dad. if you look hard enough, you might find something showing his philosophy with girls even when you were 8. other times, just the act of you growing up could change him. You have never had kids of your own and have not seen them grow up and move out and get married at all that, so until then you might not understand what he dealt with. And you don't need to try to understand that-your time will come eventually. Until then, enjoy what life has in store for you now.


    Your viewpoint of
    could be altered. And of course only you can choose to see it the new way.

    change it to, "hey my dads life is what it is. He did a good job showing me the right way to live life 16 years and now I can be thankful for that and I don't want him to have to continue to live his life to show me the right way to live- i can do that myself now!"


    also, just wondering, what caused the divorce? your mom finally having this "realization" after all these years ?

    id be curious to know
     
  15. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    I was listening to the radio going to work recently and they had a story about how how many young adults are shocked and embarrassed by their parents behavior. It seems that more and more parents, once the kids are grown and out of the house, are abandoning the morals with which they raised their kids and are instead embracing a much open lifestyle....often to the chagrin on the kids.

    Your story reminded me of that report. It seems that some moms have taken up stripping, many parents are spending money wildly and taking really extravagant vacations and many are drinking every weekend to the point of not remember what they've done. The kids are shocked that the 'rents have abandoned all of the moral teachings they tried to instill in the kids.

    One of my friends growing up described this as her coming out of "mom mode". She said that when the kids were little, she wanted to make the world a better place and make them really good people. However she found that she could not follow the same moral code. Guess what....the kids knew this already and one of them had a child at 17.

    While it might be difficult you right now, I think it would be helpful to realize that your dad is being more authentic than you are. You talk about "shoulds" how he should do this or we should be able to do that. Guess what....shoulds are all about your expectations. So when you say, "He should do ____" what you're really saying is, "If he was a good parent and we had a good relationship then he should be doing ______" That's your expectation for proper behavior....it's not some objective standard that everyone will agree upon.

    When people don't live up to our expectations of them we usually get hurt and/or pissed. When we explain to them how they should be acting, they get hurt/pissed. The resolution to this is not to make the other person conform to your expectations. The resolution is for you to adjust your expectations of them. Stop expecting him to do anything and just accept him as he is.....warts and all.

    In the AA big book there is a portion that many people have called the acceptance prayer but it's more like a mission statement for many. It goes like this, "And acceptance is the answer to *all* my problems. today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation---some fact of my life---unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment."

    Acceptance is difficult because very often we want to control another persons behavior so we won't be hurt. That might just be the real motive behind your expectations....that you've been hurt by their behavior in the past and you don't want to experience that level of hurt and pain again. In order to prevent the hurt from happening again, you try to make your dad "do the right thing" but when he doesn't you get pissed.

    Acceptance is a wonderful thing but it's not easy to practice.
     
  16. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    Yeah I was thinking the same...that mommy was the moral leader and tried to make her dad "behave". He did for a time but once the kids were grown, he bolted because he was trying to live up to some impossible standard.
     
  17. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    When I'm reading this I feel like you and your husband are destined for the exact same fate.

    He stays a virgin until marriage because it's what you wanted. Now you are married and eventually he might start thinking about how little he lived before marrying you. By that I mean getting married at 19 andr ealizing how much other vagina he's missed out on. Then when you're divorced he'll blindly reach for any girl that gives him a chance.

    Men aren't perfect. Your dad isn't a saint. Why do you think their are priests who touch little boys? Or leave theirs wives and the priesthood after 30 years? The sooner you accept practically no one has morals, the sooner you'll get over your dad shattering your idea of the perfect relationship.
     
  18. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    No one has morals huh? Interesting....not sure I agree.
     
  19. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    "practically no one"
     
  20. schmitty101

    schmitty101 You might remember me from such films as "Dig your

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  21. Ameter

    Ameter Active Member

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    why is it difficult to see him reaching out for happiness?
     
  22. BoomBoomBoy

    BoomBoomBoy Guest

    Yeah, not letting you know up front wasn't very sensitive on his part. Maybe your father is dense, and didn't take into consideration how this would make you feel.

    Maybe a little honest feedback to your father on this particular situation will prevent further future issues.

    Divorces are always tough on kids, but I'm hoping you're pulling for your father's happiness.
     
  23. djshotglass

    djshotglass New Member

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    I'm not going to be much of a help either. It's not your life, get over it.
     
  24. JBunni

    JBunni New Member

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    He might have been with "other women". I know he went out and drank a lot. I knew for a VERY long time that my parents were NOT the perfect couple. They weren't even really a couple. I knew their "anniversary's" were just shows they put on for my sister and I. I would say from the time I was about 5, their relationship had hit the rocks. (possibly earlier) There were several times I had even encouraged my mother to seek a divorce. I'm not sure what the actual breaking point was. We were losing our house (after living their 13 years), my dad had recently chosen a new career path without discussing it with my mom, and it was not panning out. Maybe it was the other woman, I really dont know what.

    What I mean by "should" is not my expectation but his. You know how someone looks when they feel guilty? They know they "should" be doing something, but they cant?

    I suppose I agree with the part of acceptance. I just dont know an easy way to come to accept this. Again, last girlfriend, it took 4 years and lots of awkward/painful moments.

    Okay, how does this having anything to do with my husband and I?? I didnt make him do anything. Before we dated his resolve was to stay "chaste" until marriage. Its not what I wanted, its what we wanted, individually. Also, my husband and I are FAR FAR different from my parents. I know that is going to sound immature, but it is true. My mother was desperate 5 years after her first divorce, and my father thought he found someone he loved. He didnt really know her, and she didnt know him.

    I'm not asking my dad to be a saint. I know he is going to date. But I still find it awkward, just like he still finds it awkward to be around my husband, I know he still sees me as "his little girl". He has had a few years to "accept" him. I've just met this new girlfriend.

    And I do not live by my standards. I live by those set forth in the Bible. I do not see them as impossibly high. I realize not many people want to bother to try to live up to them, but that does not mean they cant. There are many who have. If my father chooses not to, that is his decision, but it is a decision that is difficult for me to accept. I am trying, but I believe it takes time.

    I dont think he is reaching out for happiness. He is reaching out to the nearest source of comfort instead of addressing the problem. For example if you break your leg, you may reach for pain killer to numb the pain, but that wont fix the problem. Sure setting the break so it will heal will be painful, but it is what is needed. I just see him reaching for this pills, and that is what is difficult to see.

    Feedback is difficult. The last several years I've had difficulty telling him how I feel about anything. He either doesn't seem to care, or its just too awkward. The only time I remember telling him 'how I feel' was when I told him I was getting married, and how much I loved my 'fiance.' That didnt go well either. When I tried telling him where I wanted to go to school, he fought me and yelled, and made it so I didnt want to ever discuss it with him. Of course he never tells me how he's feeling about anything, then again "hes not my best friend so he doesnt have to tell me anything".
     
  25. JOJ

    JOJ New Member

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    I would disagree with that statement strongly. If you think "practically no one" has morals, you're looking at the wrong people/hanging with the wrong crowd.
     

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