I haven't been right emotionally since last Feb. I posted in here a few times before after all of that. I get really emotional and I don't think straight. These experiences can last hours, days, a couple times I can say a week or so. I've gotten so depressed at times it has shocked me. It is hard because I am not always depressed or irrational. I think it is anxiety. I know I am getting better but I worry it is only temporary and that I think is kind of showing how this whole thing works. I don't know if this sounds dumb or if anyone can understand but I feel like this irrational, depressed state is like, more normal. I feel odd trying to be happy about things. I don't like myself a lot of the time when I get too happy because I act like a dumb ass half the time. I like myself but I have horrible self esteem. Does that make sense? Everything seems like a contradiction with me lately. I decided to write tonight instead of running to my boyfriend to make everything better. I cling to him. It is bad. If I try not to cling it almost makes things worse. The whole day I knew something wasn't right. When he text me good night I almost lost it and I'm not 100% sure why. I am getting better and making progress. I don't want to see someone. When I am happy it is pretty pointless. I have a very hard time talking about my problems. Even something like this takes me forever. Its like I have a million thoughts in my head but I can't say them. I don't know if I am too afraid, or if I feel like they have to come out perfect? Is there something in your brain that translates thoughts into words because it feels like that part of me is totally broken. I used to fight with my ex when we were going out and everything I said wasn't literal. I would say he was yelling at me because he was mad and lecturing towards me and he would take it as voice level and correct me. Stuff like that, constantly, made me second guess my speech and eventually he would frustrate me to not saying much of anything.. Fights turned into lots of silence with little exchange and I hated it. The problem is I do it now and I see my boyfriend getting mad at the silence just like I did. He wouldn't correct me like that. He isn't as literal. I don't know why I do it. I don't feel like my last relationship was good for me. Honestly I don't feel like I was appreciated like I should have been. I couldn't ask for a better boyfriend now. I miss my ex and I don't know why really. I don't like, miss him like heres a hug and a kiss lets stare into each others eyes. I miss the friendship we had. I miss how it felt to come back to Rockford and sit in his living room on his couch with him and do whatever. I miss how last Halloween we decorated his house and watched a movie while trick or treaters came up to the door. I miss his cat soooo fucking much I loved her. I miss a lot about him. It feels sooo fucking awful to say that because I never want to go back with him and that feels awful too. When we broke up I was convinced he was the only one. Its too much to handle. The other day he wrote about how awful his life has become. He told me he missed me. I think maybe in a lose sense looking at a profile of mine set him off. I don't think he meant, I miss you and I know I can't have you. I think he just misses me and I can feel his point so well. He could be such a fucking asshole. He really could sometimes. I want to tell him that. I want to tell him how bad he hurt my feelings sometimes and he doesn't deserve me. I want to tell him no girl should be treated that way for some of the things he did. But then there is this totally extreme opposite end where we kind of clicked in a whole different way than my current boyfriend. It is like two way different situations and I like the one I have better now so I don't know what it going on. Sometimes I just want time to think but in taking that time I am potentially like...... Hurting things. Tonight I really want to talk to my ex. Last night I did too and I don't know why. I don't want to see him I just want to talk. I guess I am worried this is one of my episodes.. I am just depressed again and I am not thinking clearly. If my boyfriend was here I think I would be happy which I hate. Why would him being here suddenly change how I feel. Why do I want to talk to my ex? I think I really need friends to talk to about stuff.. But I don't have any.. My one friend I could talk to I don't want to because she is kind of over opinionated and doesn't hold back things.. Last time she gave me her opinion of someone, which no one else agreed with, it hurt my feelings a lot and kind of damaged our friendship. I don't want to throw anything out there and I don't know that I always trust her opinions. I just need to vent about this.. I mean I want to hear what anyone has to say about it but maybe getting it out to someone will help me. I don't know why I chose to say what I did about my ex.. I guess maybe that is an issue I don't talk about much.. I'm not always upset about that.... But I guess I am now because I am crying about it to you all. Thanks for listening.