SRS Contradicting feelings for a girl

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by arsbu, May 15, 2008.

  1. arsbu

    arsbu New Member

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    Background story: First girlfriend from HS cheated on me. Girl I still love cheated on me (I dated her a couple years ago and still couldn't let her go).

    Story now: I met this new girl, she cheated on her BF before because she wasn't being sexually satisfied (heard from my friends). I have been getting closer to her lately and have been opening up my heart for her even though I knew this. She's caring and sweet and is usually there for me. But now that she just admitted this to me, I feel like I just rebuilt the "fort" around my heart.

    I don't really know what I should do. I've always been type that forgives and forgets the past. But here I am with two really hurtful experiences...

    I don't really have problems getting girls, but I have major problems getting close to them emotionally and she has somehow worked her way closer than anybody since. I just feel like I can trust her or something stupid...
     
  2. Redbeard

    Redbeard OT Supporter

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    She cheated and you have a pattern of going after women who cheat. It will ruin you eventually if you dont fix it.
     
  3. arsbu

    arsbu New Member

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    Well the last two girls didn't cheat on me until we had to do the long distance thing. They weren't cheaters when I got with them.

    But ya, I know I have a problem...
     
  4. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    Generally, it's not advisable to pursue a woman you know has recently cheated. It speaks a lot about her character.

    If you know a girl has cheated recently, don't even think of approaching her.
     
  5. bunnyblueeyes

    bunnyblueeyes New Member

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    does this go for men as well?
     
  6. Handerhan

    Handerhan New Member

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    No.
     
  7. bunnyblueeyes

    bunnyblueeyes New Member

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    Aren't men, in a primal way, more likely to cheat? Ya know, once a cheater always a cheater? Or like "the offer was there" so why not take it?

    Women usually cheat due to their needs not being met, trouble in the relationship, revenge or to make themselves feel wanted...espcecially if they aren't happy. But not just to cheat for the hell of it.

    guys and girls have very differnt reasons here.
     
  8. durka x 3

    durka x 3 New Member

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    No, this is a false statement. Aren't women in an indirect, sorta cheap way likely to cheat to reaffirm themselves or revalidate themselves?

    Wait you just responded to my question from my post above. And this makes it right? I love this.

    I love your logic here, you need to be a therapist. Don't try and rationalize something you have no idea about.

    Edit: To the OP, do not take a personal experience and frame it on a future one. That is asking for the same thing to happen again. If she cheats, her loss, not yours. Just have fun with her.
     
  9. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    we're not going to even go there. I suspect you're trying to lead into an argument, and I'm not falling for it.

    And yes, I do think my initial post applies to men as well.

    Yes, men are generally more likely to pursue multiple partners...it's the most effective sexual strategy. HOWEVER, that does not mean we can not control our actions, nor should it be used as an excuse.

    Cheating is not something I tolerate. I don't care what the situation is, you can find a way to end a relationship before cheating (unless your SO is in a coma or something, but that's not exactly super common).

    I don't care about reasons, If you cheat, I look upon you negatively for it, guy or girl.
     
  10. bunnyblueeyes

    bunnyblueeyes New Member

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    oh I agree with that, I don't have any tolerance for cheating. If your going to cheat, you might as well just break it off first and be single. Than you can have all the partners you desire(w/out the guilt, hurting someone else or sneaking around)

    I thought it rather funny that they were saying to stay away from the girl for her past. We all have a past and you have to choose if you want to be with that person, no matter where they came from or what they did.

    It is hard to trust others though, for sure :/
     
  11. Handerhan

    Handerhan New Member

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    BTW, my "no" comment was kind of a joke. ;)

    Anyway, I couldn't agree more. One of the most difficult relationships I started to get into was with a woman who was a virgin at 29. The ex-village-slut on the other hand was much easier, no pun intended. But her incessant talking about past partners in public ended that one.

    As far as cheating is concerned, the older I've become, I find my opinion on cheating growing more flexible. There are all kinds of reasons people cheat. I'm reminded of a character in Terms of Endearment, who was seeking an extra-curricular relationship because of his wife's health problems. He loved his wife very much and actually sought out a sex partner so he would NOT hate his wife for something she could not control.

    Nevertheless, I think justifiable reasons are few and far between and love is conditional.
     
  12. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    Eh, I still think it's pretty easy not to cheat. If it happened like once 5 years ago or something, then I'd give her a chance...but if there is a pattern of behavior, or if it is very recent, then no, I am not going to date that girl.

    I interpreted the threadstarter's post as meaning that th cheating on her bf was fairly recent.
     
  13. arsbu

    arsbu New Member

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    From the story my friend told me, it wasn't her fault according to him (i.e. guy was religious and she was going to break up with him). What I don't understand is why she didn't break up with him. It's kind of like what bunny is saying. I guess I just have a strict cheating mentality.

    Another thing that I found weird was that she doesn't get vaginal orgasms and have had limited sexual partners, yet she had a need to have sex?

    What I do appreciate is that she has been really honest with me so far...
     
  14. arsbu

    arsbu New Member

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    And yes, it was the last BF. She basically has had two BF's.
     
  15. durka x 3

    durka x 3 New Member

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    All women need and want to have sex. It's a natural instinct. Believing otherwise is lying to yourself and to them.
     
  16. bunnyblueeyes

    bunnyblueeyes New Member

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    we do need sex just like the next guy and it keeps our grouchiness in check :)
     
  17. arsbu

    arsbu New Member

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    (Bump)

    So I've been getting way too close to this girl. She's studying abroad for the summer and we talk on Skype everyday. I have a feeling that when she gets back something much more serious would develop. She has already been talking to all her friends and even her mom about me (she actually talked to them about me before she left, but now her friends think we're basically a couple).

    What should I do? I like this girl a lot, but I'm afraid 2 years later she'll just end up cheating on me...

    I also worry that if I get into an actual relationship with her I'll just end up being wary of her the entire time and it would be unfair for her.
     
  18. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    If you don't trust her now when will you trust her?

    Think about seeing a therapist, for real. You need to deal with your issues.

    EVERYONE (even you) has the ability to cheat in them. If you are going to constantly be afraid (because you know she has cheated) that she will do it again then you two will obviously never work. You can't have a healthy relaitonship without trust. When she's home will you feel compelled to check her phone? Will you trust where she says she's going at face value?
     
  19. arsbu

    arsbu New Member

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    I "trust" her, she tells me everything (or at least I think so). She's pretty honest with me and I appreciate it. If anything I think she'll cheat on me and tell me afterwards.

    That's actually the main reason I like her, she's honest with me.

    And the ability to cheat vs. actually committing it is what I'm concerned about (like what the first two replies said). I know everybody has the potential to cheat. The fact that there's a slight possibility it'll reoccur is what I'm concerned about. I guess you can also argue that she got it out of her system and not cheat on me, but I won't really know that.
     
    Last edited: Jun 25, 2008
  20. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    You're not even together. Having a relationship right now via Skype is a completely different world than irl. You are freaking yourself out and getting way in over your head. You need to relax and realize this is just another girl! You don't have to think about "will we fall in love?" or "will we get married?!" Just relax and have fun. You are young and should just enjoy yourself.

    When she gets back start to date first. See how things feel. If things progress nicely and you still are having issues trusting her then you need to either get out of the relationship or seek professional help to help you deal.
     
  21. arsbu

    arsbu New Member

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    That's actually what I was planning on. I know I am over thinking things, but I just don't want to drag this on and waste both our time. But you're right, there's nothing I can do other than sit back and relax.
     
  22. iwishyouwerebeer

    iwishyouwerebeer you shut your cunt Moderator

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    I get not wanting to drag out time...but you have to think logically and say to yourself "Well, if we don't mesh as well as I thought then we just have to break up :dunno:" or "Well, I just don't trust her and we're wasting our time! On to the next girl."

    However, you really do have to deal with your issues and insecurities about cheating. The sooner you step back and realize it can always happen the better. That's not to say it will always happen, not at all, but you can't assume every girl will cheat on you either. A lot of immature girls go back to their ex's, and usually the ex was the more masuline. You also have to consciously skip past the irls that just broke up with their ex. Even if they broke up a month ago it's safe to say they are not over them. You seem to come off as a total pushover. Check out this article I posted in the Vag:
    http://forums.offtopic.com/showthread.php?t=3840352

    If you build a strong relationship with a girl and you're not a doormat then you are already a step ahead.
     
  23. SHIFT_blue

    SHIFT_blue OT Supporter

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    You'll probably think this way about all girls that come about. You just have to take the risk if you think shes worth it. Theres always risk involved when trying to start a relationship. If you never risk anything how do you expect any relationship?
     
  24. hbrown023

    hbrown023 New Member

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    Sorry haven't read everyone's reply but I just wanted to say I know how you feel. I've been in a series of serious relationships and only one of the guys didn't cheat on me so I know how hard it is to trust someone when you're trying to get close to them and you find something like this out. BUT this is how I think about it, and just follow me here for a second, I've been in a really bad car wreck in the past and it scared the hell out of me and I was absolutely terrified to get back into a car...but I can't walk everywhere I go and I can't ride a bike everywhere I go so I had two options: 1) stay at home for the rest of my life and never leave the house again or 2) face my fear of getting in a car and getting hurt again. It's kinda the same thing with being hurt in a relationship..you can put your walls up and be afraid of being hurt or you can open yourself up and face your fear of being hurt again. Hope that makes since.
     
  25. Exiled

    Exiled New Member

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    you have no reason to trust her, that shit is earned. I think the first step in that process is being up front with her and saying ever so gently and in some good manly way if at all possible "Hey, if you do feel like you want another man or we aint going to workout please let me know because i'll deal with something being wrong forvever"

    Or in some roundabout way let her know, if she feels those things to be honest with you so you can deal with it as a couple or send her off to better things.
     

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