SRS Continuing the self-psychoanalysis.

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by deusexaethera, Apr 6, 2010.

  1. deusexaethera

    deusexaethera OT Supporter

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    [FONT=Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif]Quoted from a letter to my dad; I'm interested to see if anyone here has any observations.

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    Subj: Differences between [my brother] and me.

    One thing that has been recurrently coming to mind recently is that of having self-interests fulfilled in relationships.

    It's very easy for me to put myself in someone else's position (provided I have any idea what that position is like), probably as a side-effect of [my mom]'s repeated intrusion on my personal boundaries as a kid, so it's very easy for me to provide compassion and validation to people. Regarding women specifically, simply by being a man I'm capable of providing admiration and a sense of security. The ease with which I do these things means that it's also very easy for me to offer them to people, more-or-less for free, with minimal counter-demands if any at all. And if someone can get what they need from me without having to "pay" me for it by giving me what I want or need in return, why wouldn't they? It's a basic rule of self-preservation that you take what you can get and give what you're required to. This explains why I have a number of what I refer to as "platonic girlfriends", because I do enjoy having my efforts appreciated, but I don't make it clear what I expect in return for them.

    The problem is that when you give something away for free and then start trying to charge for it, people are much more likely to resent it than to take it in stride. It's better, in that regard, to make it clear what the price tag is up-front and not to give away too many free samples.

    I don't see this as being a problem for [my brother]; his personal boundaries are more fortified, and he's accustomed to having to be forceful with [my mom] about what he needs and wants (as evidenced by his insistence that [my uncle who pisses him off] not join them for Christmas, among other things). If anything, I foresee him having trouble knowing when it's okay to give back to people, not when it's okay to make demands from them. But I think this is is the side that many more men tend to err on, so I expect when he gets around to dating he'll have an easier time getting his needs met instead of getting taken for a ride like I've been for the past several years.

    That is all.

    [me]
    [/FONT]
     
  2. Nite_Lilly

    Nite_Lilly Member

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    You get what you 'expect' to get, and you seem to expect to be the 'platonic friend'.
     
  3. deusexaethera

    deusexaethera OT Supporter

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    Well...at this point I could certainly say I expect it, but in a resigned "yep, this one'll probably land in the friendzone too, despite my best intentions" kind of way. But hell, for all I know that's exactly what you're talking about.
     
  4. Nite_Lilly

    Nite_Lilly Member

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    Change your expectations and you might get a better result.

    If your mom is the key to the current expectations you have in relationships, then it would make sense to me that you need to sit down with your mom and ask her about the stuff that bothers you about your upbringing?

    How come your brother has no boundary issues with your mom?
     
  5. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Care,for all is like a bonsai tree
    well i think you and your brother can learn from eachother, you by not giving away things for granted, and him giving back based on what he has received.

    In my own experience you can't just give everything selfishly to yourself because this corrupts the enviroment around you,

    The other way around you can't just keep giving to others and completely deplete yourself.

    You give your heart to others, whilst not forgetting to give to yourself. Or in other words, you look at achieving the balance for the 'whole picture' instead of just the inner desires or the external desires from others. All has to be fullfilled. But you can't serve the entire world with a minimal human body like that, you have to stay within a certain task so that you don't step over the border and corrupt yourself as a result of the imbalance that takes place if you take too much hay on your stack.

    This balancing act is not easy, so you just try to do what you can do for others as wel as for yourself. For beginners id recommend a 75% time spenditure on yourself and 25% time on others, you can shift it as you please in the future.
     
  6. ...stimpy

    ...stimpy New Member

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    That first paragraph sounds a LOT like me.

    I didn't land in the friend zone though, because I was always quite clear up front, asking girls "out" - not just meeting up with friends and developing the relationship that way.

    Today's society does NOT appreciate sacrifice, if you are going to live your life for others, you need to do it for yourself (not them) and commit to receive nothing in return. Truly commit, anything less will lead to misery. Or change ...
     

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