SRS Constant fear of her being unfaithful

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Brian May, Jan 2, 2008.

  1. Brian May

    Brian May New Member

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    I know she wouldn't cheat on me nor has she ever given me a reason to suspect her otherwise. Every time she goes out in public without me, I constantly worry about her getting picked up by men or flaunting herself around.

    The thing is, almost every GF or woman i've dated before her has betrayed me in some way. This has left me jaded and very untrusting of women in general. With those odds, I feel as though any woman who will come into my life will be destined to cheat on me. It's not a matter of if she will cheat, but when

    The first one who ever cheated on me (6 years ago) left the deepest of wounds and I don't know how to get over this constant betrayal paranoia. I went to a shrink, went on Lexapro, did a lot of reading online regarding the subject and have tried very hard to improve upon my character and overcome this fear.

    I talk with my GF a lot about this and she's very understanding and reassuring, but for some reason it isn't helping me. I don't really know how to make this fear go away. I want to be able to relax and just enjoy the wonderful relationship that I have with my girlfriend. I want to propose to her, but I don't feel that it's fair to her because of this.

    :ugh:
     
  2. Yuppy

    Yuppy Have a seat right there....

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    yea its tough. maybe stop equating faithfulness with a good relationship?

    Or do what I would do if I had a budget for it.... get her a GPS phone and put a gps in her car w/o her knowing, both of which you can track from your PC remotely.
     
  3. Redneck Shinobi

    Redneck Shinobi Well Jules, the funny thing about my back is that

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    LOL GPS, well thats a bit extreme, but if you can sleep at night lol. My opinion is you're in a vicious cycle, you're feeding your fear. My previous relationship ended with my gf cheating on me. It was only a kiss so I can imagine far worse ways, but that was even hard for me.

    I'd suggest you stop reading about the subject of cheating if you haven't already. It'll only feed your thoughts. I'd also say trust her, but somehow you do, but don't trust she will be in the right mind to say no.
     
  4. Brian May

    Brian May New Member

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    You're right on the money with this statement. :bowdown:

    Nah, I dont want to spy on her. Like I said, I trust her. She knows my feelings in regards to cheating and that I will not tolerate it. I told her if she even raises any suspicion, I'm gone without notice.

    I failed to mention that she cheated on her last serious boyfriend. He was a miserable, manipulative, thieving bastard. However, I do believe that if you're unhappy with someone, you should at least try to work things out or end it. She has a past, she loves sex and did sleep around quite a bit. I caught her lying about how many she slept with on several occasions. I don't care about numbers, it's the lying part that bothers me.

    Her younger sister is a cheater. She has a great boyfriend who spoils the shit out of her and what does she do in return? She dates and fucks another guy behind his back, then cheats on both of them with a random hookup from the slums of Newark, NJ.

    All this shit just doesn't sit right with me.
     
  5. Rivehn

    Rivehn New Member

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    Fear of cheating/unfaithfulness is the worst thing to have in a relationship.

    I been there. It made me miserable. It will rip you apart.

    Give her her space. If she cheats, move on. It sucks but you cant put yourself through that shit.

    My ex cheated on me. I moved on to the next and things were good. I had issues with the ex being unfaithful. This drove the new girl away and caused me alot of worry. I think it has alot to do with self esteem.

    This girl is now my fiancee and I have full trust in her and her in me. I dont worry about a thing and our relationship is stronger because of it.
     
  6. Yuppy

    Yuppy Have a seat right there....

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    sorry man, once a cheater, almost always a cheater.....

    of course SHE will say all that bad stuff about him.... but she was with him so what does that say about her? Just a question you have to ask yourself friend.
    her younger sister views her as a role model...... whered she get these ideas from.....

    just a few things to consider. That gps doesnt sound so bad now does it?
     
  7. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    This will sound harsh..but if you can't get over a fear of being cheated on, you probably shouldn't be in a relationship
     
  8. Hellcat

    Hellcat New Member

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    it's something you can work on, but you're going to have to stop associating her with your past relationships, which is extremely difficult, since we learn by experience a lot of the time.

    but she is a new person, and you shouldn't burden your perception of her with old shit. if you can't give her the benefit of the doubt - like the above poster said - don't keep her in the relationship.

    it's unfair to be untrusted for the actions of people in the someone else's past.

    then again, you are only protecting yourself from harm in a sense. your senses tell you to be wary, but it's kinda like relationship PTSD. instead of being reasonably suspicious if you have cause to, it's more of freaking out for no reason.

    i do hope you can work it out though, and that she turns out to be a decent girl who isn't the type to do that shit.
     
  9. BritishHumpingWitch

    BritishHumpingWitch New Member

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    You are very fortunate that she is understanding, patient and compassionate to your insecurity and fear. It can be very tough on someone on the receiving end of this worry; especially when he or she is innocent.

    Here’s the problem, you’re just going to have to learn how to be trusting on your own, in your own way, in your own time and the only way you can begin to learn this is to start now with your current partner. Let go of the anxiety, let go of the fear and remove the control it has over your daily, negative thinking pattern simply by being Ok with her going out and having faith in her ability to turn down other men because the truth is, if someone wants to be unfaithful, they’re going to be, regardless of how you feel, so you might-as-well accept the fact that no matter what you do, think, say or feel about this, you have no control over another person; nor should you; control issues can be extremely unhealthy and that’s what causes many potentially decent relationships to fail.

    Taking a chance and giving someone a chance is important; if she means a lot to you and has stuck by you through this, she deserves a chance to be trusted.:hs:
     
  10. Punky72

    Punky72 New Member

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    If you are so concerned about someone cheating on you then I believe you lack confidence in yourself, period.

    I don't have a very high self-esteem, however I am confident enough to know that I have a very hugh heart and I love very deeply...(not to mention spoil the one's I love)...but I also feel that if my bf cheated on me he would lose the best damned thing that has ever happened to him. This is not conceited, this is confidence.

    If you can't trust the person you are with because of what others have done to you...well that just saddens me. Those types of relationships almost always end up with one person hiding things (even if they are innocent) because they feel they can not be trusted. Plus they usually end up bad.

    It seems like you are at least heading out in the right direction by sharing your fears with her, however, don't get mad if she hides things from you due to your insecurities. No one likes to be the blame for what others have done to you.

    Have you ever thought of some sort of self-esteem counseling? I know it has helped me a lot.
     
  11. Midgetized

    Midgetized Don't mess with Douche Cat

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    In your case she probably will cheat on you. It's one thing to get cheated on once or twice but if every girl you date is cheating then you need to really look at the partners you are choosing. Something is causing you to ignore the warning signs and choose to enter a relationship which will undoubtably end with her cheating. Until you figure out why you keep choosing cheaters then you will always end up with them.

    It shouldn't sit right with you. Those are warning signs.
     
  12. BritishHumpingWitch

    BritishHumpingWitch New Member

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    You're right!. . .It's not right.

    Most of us have all had some sort of past we'd like to leave behind but just because someone has cheated on someone in their past does not mean they'll cheat in another relationship. I cheated and was also cheated on; which was probably a good thing, as we weren't meant for one another and deep down neither one of us was happy in our relationship.

    I'm happily married now to a man who has a past like mine (someone who has cheated before), but we trust one another 110% because we love and respect one another; we make each other happy and are both content mentally, emotionally and physically with one another. Little things make all the difference in the world.:hs:
     
  13. deusexaethera

    deusexaethera OT Supporter

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    It would probably help if you stopped thinking of yourself as being not worth her attention. Then you wouldn't have any doubt about whether she wants to be with you instead of someone else.
     
  14. black jesus

    black jesus OT Supporter

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    This isn't how it works? I thought women cheating was just a fact of life. I can't imagine a woman not cheating.

    Its crazy, one of my XGF's just gave her husband, and my friend, herpes because she can't stop fucking everyone in sight. You can't always tell when people are cheating, so you never really know, until you get to live with herpes all your life.

    God I'm fucked up.
     
  15. Rivehn

    Rivehn New Member

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    So you cant talk to womens and you think they are all cheaters?
     
  16. black jesus

    black jesus OT Supporter

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    yes...lol. Not to thread hijack or anything.
     

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