SRS Constant Depression for no (good) reason...

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Pen Is Mightier, Oct 6, 2008.

  1. Background info:
    - Physically abused as young teen a lot, dislike my father.
    - 19 year old guy, in college, decent grades and decent life.
    - Came out of the closet (gay...) to parents this summer. Dad beat the shit out of me, left me knocked out laying against the door. Woke up to him telling me to leave the house and never come back.
    - Slept in my car and on the street for a week or two.
    - Found ways to make money, now paying for my own rent, tuition, food, clothing, gas, etc.
    - Previous drug addictions to weed, coke, X, alcohol and cigarettes.

    God damn, I think I have some kind of problem. I have no reason to be depressed right now and I am. Things in my life are starting to pick up and I still feel sad. This weekend was great, I saw my BF, we partied hard, had a ton of fun and I was really happy. I was happy all today...now its 10:45PM and I'm depressed as FUCK. I just want to go to bed but I have homework to do...

    The only things I have to be depressed about are:
    - Dad still hates me, Mom on the other hand is re-accepting me.
    - Poor? But that is not a big issue to me, having more money wouldn't make me happier...
    - The past...but that is the PAST. I shouldn't care about that. Ugh...

    I think I need real help but don't know what I should do. I will not take anti-depressant drugs as I have an addiction problem and I don't believe in taking them as I feel it is the wrong way to go about fixing my problems. I don't want to feel this depressed every day though.

    I know what I could do to fix the problem but I have told myself that I'm stronger than to fall back on old habits...plus I know it will just ruin my life even more.

    Basically, I'm looking for tips or help or anything so I don't feel like this anymore. I don't see what else in my life I can do to "fix" anything. Some people just don't change and I can't do anything about that. I've been depressed off/on for...as I was typing this I was going to count the months...then it ended up being years and now it is as long as I can remember. I've been depressed since I was 12 years old when I was told I had cancer. So pretty much 7 years of hating myself and doing a lot of drugs to feel better.

    Please help me...I don't know what to do anymore.
     
  2. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Care,for all is like a bonsai tree
    Well you need to start loving yourself , and accepting yourself for who you are. You need to start to enjoy,love and appreciate all the small joys that life has to offer. There's really more joy in the small things, then there is in the big things. You can enjoy your bf, walking in the park with him, talking, and you should try to get out more in nature, it gives a sense of calm and joy. Everything thats mechanical and human is also stressful.

    Life is pretty much like sailing on a boat, you need to get yourself into steady waters and make sure your going into a positive constructive and right direction.
     
  3. blaq19

    blaq19 New Member

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    Yeah, man just love yourself more don't let the negative get to you. I know that you are an awesome kid and you've overcame lots of obstacles that others have only had to hear about. You're a strong kid and you'll make it through.
     
  4. That's the thing though...I feel like my "boat" is sailing along decently well, but I fuck up on some things. Like right now I should be working on a project for class but I'm too depressed to do it. I can't even think straight right now, let alone produce something worth my time. And it's not only school that gets me down. I feel like it is EVERYTHING that gets me down. Like, I think it is because I am not living my life how I want to live my life. The way I want to live my life is much simpler and fun, but also more dangerous (chance of being poor for life) and less than looked upon well by society...

    I don't know what I'm saying really, nevermind. It just seems fucked up that life is supposed to feel like this. Why would we be put on this Earth to feel like utter shit for our entire life? When I was a little kid I was too stupid to realize how sad I was but now that I think about it I was depressed as soon as I was in school, if not before then. It makes me sad to say this but I was a little kid in elementary school, and my first year did not speak a word of English really and everyone would laugh at me and I had zero friends...I would just stick to myself. I still sucked at speaking English until I was 10 or so and then I was decent, I could have conversations with people at least, but people would still say words sometimes and I had no fucking idea what they meant. All of this crap just made me really sad and having no friends was no fun. More and probably some of the most depression was from cancer & the treatments for 2 years when I was 12-14. Thought I was going to die for sure so I just kind of said fuck the world. Didn't die, but started smoking weed kind of around there and realized it made me happy and I could finally laugh. Smoked weed pretty much every day of high school and it made me happy but when I wasn't high I was depressed again. Sophmore/junior year I tried coke & X for the first time and those were awesome and made me feel even better. Junior year though I got addicted to both of those and got busted by the cops and sent to drug rehab. Got back from rehab, did some more coke but stopped finally and just started drinking and smoking bud a lot. Now I quit those too, so I have nothing. I think that is why I'm depressed, I don't smoke bud anymore. I know it is a good thing that I dont smoke anymore but it makes me feel so much better, I don't know how.

    Fuck this is long...I'm printing this though and taking it to whoever I can find that wants to be my psychiatrist. I can't speak about things like this openly without crying so it helps to just type it.
     
  5. What are the withdrawls from weed? I smoked basically every day for 4 years, slowed down a little this summer (3-5 days/week) and then quit and have been clean for weeks now, almost a month...ya like a month. Maybe thats why I'm depressed. I fucking love smoking weed now that I think about it. Everything about it is good. Buying weed is fun, looking at it, smelling it, breaking it up and packing a nice bowl and fucking roasting it. Shit.
     
  6. I think I don't know how to love myself. I feel like no matter what I ever do in life I'll never be good enough. I go to a good school and get pretty good grades...I have a good life with a lot of friends, partying, a caring BF and all of you guys who are nice to me but I still am depressed. I think I have been sad my entire life now that I really do think about it and don't know how to feel happy or good about myself...that's the fucking problem. I don't know what it feels like to just be happy for an extended amount of time preferably without drugs.


    Sorry for going off on like every random topic, but this is a way for me to kind of walk through why I'm depressed and I hope people can offer advice or at least ask questions which will make me think of why I'm sad.
     
  7. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Care,for all is like a bonsai tree
    DO IMPORTANT THINGS FIRST the fun things can come later in life.

    Look ,from your point of view it might be weird, but from our vantage viewing point however it isn't 'strange' at all, that you are depressed. Look, you have been going thru a very hard time lately. And you know we can give you all kinds of advice, but winning the war called 'life' is up to you.

    It took me time to realise too, but life is more about 'concrete things/values' then virtual concepts,which are more like additions. Its time to be 'realistic' and work insanely hard to gain those things that give real concrete positive constructive value to your life.

    Its like a little boy alone in the desert who's thirsty, no one is gonna give him water, hell rather a spear in his back. He's going to die if he doesn't find water. Now he could whine and cry all day over being thirsty. Or he could start digging a well or try locating a resource of water, and although that's gonna take him a hell of effort, he'll hopefully be able to find water and survive.

    Or in other words, this kids happyness is his own hands. You also have your own happyness in your own hands. Everything that you want to gain in life requires you to make a sacrifice.

    The reason that we go thru all these things in life, is to make our souls stronger.Therefore you have to fight the odds with all that you've got, and everything in your power to make your life succesfull.

    I know you want a 'certain type of life', but you quickly need to come to the realisation that this isn't tinkie winkie land, this is pure survival. You have to align yourself in the way how society works. Once you've got your life in order, you can make adjustments to live a life that's more suitable to your means.
     
  8. It's good to look at it from that perspective. Where everything I do in my life has sacrifices that need to be made. I am working towards bettering my life though. Right now my goals are to graduate school and just get a job and be done with school and all of its hell. But my other goal is to just be happy and I can't figure out a plan to do that. I don't know if this is how you are "supposed" to feel, I've felt this way my whole life, so maybe, but I don't think so, it doesn't seem right.

    I also want to do other things in life (not going to tell OT what they are, sorry, it is beyond my my outside personal life) but there are restrictions on what I want to do that basically are forcing me to never do these things...and I think that is getting me down. The past also gets me down and I think I need to quit thinking about the past as much. My past sucks and if I think about it all the fuckin time I'm gonna suck.
     
  9. WGD87

    WGD87 New Member

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    The past.. IS the past. I know that never ever got me anywhere. I mean you take lessons with you from it obviously but you don't have to take the memory if it hurts. It took me a long long time to realize that and obviously you can't always forget things but as a general rule if you can let something go don't be afraid to.

    If you smoke weed a lot.. and stop.. it can do some messed up things to you. Everyone is different. People say weed is harmless and I don't really agree or disagree because I don't care enough but it can take a toll on some people. Any drug alters your body.

    I don't know what to say as like any all telling advice since I also have my own problems. However with the school thing I would say factor it out in your head. How far are you, how much does it load onto your life. I had to quit my job to get through this semester. I knew I wouldn't make it otherwise without being a wreck. I come before school because school isn't worth it if I don't come out in the end also. However school is important to me so I need to try and balance it out the best that I can.

    I used to not be able to do school work if I was upset. Somehow I just learned to block things out and stay busy and do all of my work and if I was still upset in the end deal with it. I'm not saying that is healthy but it is how I am going to make it. Honestly, doing school work asap and getting it out of the way has made a HUGE difference in my life. It sounds dumb but it is the truth and I see lots of other people benefit from it. The stress dissapears and stays out of the rest of your life for the day when you know there is nothing needed to be done for that day. If school gets you down maybe other things would feel better when you do them if you knew you could enjoy them without stress?
     
  10. Yeah the past is gone but the feelings/thoughts are still there to me. It would make me a lot stronger if I could "forget" about it but I know that can not happen. The past for me is too fucked up and serious for me to just let it go. I wish I could not think about it though, not sure how to do that though, sadly.

    As for the weed, I did smoke a lot, like way too much...I was basically permanently blazed. Wake up, blaze, shower, go to school, 10:00AM break -- blaze, class, lunch -- blaze, class, out of school -- blaze a couple times with friends, go home, homework, blaze, fool on computer, blaze, sleep. rinse and repeat for about 4 years. :rofl: So I guess that is like 6-7 times a day...say it lasts 1.5-2 hours so like 9-14 hours of being high a day...
    Went from that to cold turkey but I couldnt handle that and smoked once or twice a day for some weeks and now I'm cold turkey again and haven't smoked in a month.
     
  11. I feel like I'm just a pussy cry baby. I've been a pussy my entire life and always will be.

    Little, pussy, Dietrich. Never will do anything right in life.

    Fuck this I'm going to bed. That's the only time I don't feel depressed because I can't think then.
     
  12. Music is a crazy thing. I feel relieved of nearly all of my stress. I get stuck in the moment too easily. I am going to research anti-depressants tomorrow though and their side effects, risks and addictiveness. If they actually do make me feel good I think I will get addicted to them because that has happened with pretty much every pill I have ever taken. Pain killers, X, sleep aids, coke (not a pill but a happy powder, same idea), all got me hooked real quick.
     
  13. I hope I can do something good with today with my 3 hours of sleep. I want to talk to a psychiatrist and a doctor and maybe get anti-depressants if I feel they are not too dangerous. I feel it would be better to use anti-depressant drugs than to start taking other drugs to feel better at night. Recently I've been taking sleepiing pills because it made me feel drunk with no hangover and I could go to bed really fast and that felt good. They are dangerous though and if I take a shit load I could off myself, and that's not too good.
     
  14. WGD87

    WGD87 New Member

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    I think at least trying out talking to someone is a good idea. Especially because of the drug thing. See what they have to say.
     
  15. For sure....I am going after class today to meet with someone that I called this morning. They seemed nice on the phone, I'll see if I am comfortable around them though...meh.
     
  16. I think I'm going to buy some posters or something for my room too so it is not so depressing in here. Right now my "house" is a ~15'x14' (maybe?) room with a desk, a $5 foldout chair and my mattress on the floor. Then I have my clothes stacked in a corner on towels and all of my dry food over there and my other food in my mini fridge/freezer. :o It just looks really boring in here. :o I think I might be getting a housing scholarship though so that will help me economically a lot if I get it. It is based off need-first so I think that will help my chances. I am trying to get food stamps too, I assume I qualify. :dunno:
     
  17. PooP

    PooP New Member

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    I wouldn't look into the drugs right away. See what you can do and how to avoid them. A hobby will certainly help, even though with your money status it would be hard. Try to find a consignment shop, but a cheap bike and go ride around a park. Riding a bike helped me a lot when I just needed to get away and relax.
     
  18. Vysion

    Vysion New Member

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    You talk about what wouldn't make you happy... but what WOULD make you happy?
     
  19. Vysion

    Vysion New Member

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    ...and don't say drugs... drugs just cover up our problems...
     
  20. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Care,for all is like a bonsai tree
    drugs,alcohol,anti-depressants,smoking, they all just make you go around in circles, they're not getting you anywhere, all symptom supressors, but no problem solvers.

    You must steer clear from all the destructive/addictive substances and habits, they've done nothing else but make you feel miserable in the end and destroy your life. Try to build it off, they don't add anything they only destroy the very little that you have in your life.

    Its YOU who determines wether you are a winner/loser in life, not others. You have your life in your hands. It doesn't matter anything either, the only thing you can do is try your best to make the most out of your life, that counts infinitly more then caring about other people's opinions, people who you probably barely even know, and even if they know you they should support you, throw out everyone in your life who doesn't support you, if they don't care for you, then you don't need them into your life.

    Honestly as said winning the war is up to you, therefore do everything in your power in order to lead a succesfull life.
     
  21. I feel a lot more confident in my future today. It is odd how I can fluctuate so much in 24 hours...last night I felt utterly horrible and now today I feel ok. I don't feel good, I feel ok though.

    I had a doctor appointment today and had to have a physical. :eek3: But after that we were talking about my melanoma history and all that shit. I am going back tomorrow to have a mole on my leg biopsied(sp?). I guess all I can do is pray it comes back negative. :dunno: It doesn't look too good but I've had others in the past that looked worse to me and they were negative as well.

    After that he asked me how my life was going in general and I thought that was a good time to bring up that it was ok, but nothing special. Asked about school, grades, friends, and inevitably, family life. I did not tell him about about it and just kind of lied and said it was fine but if I see him again I may tell the truth. He was a good listener and gave me good advice too. Similar to what you guys have said...it is my life and no one can stop me from achieving whatever it is I want to do. No one has more power over my life more than I do...:o I guess I am just going to spend the next months/years working towards what I want in life and hopefully everything works out as planned.
     
  22. Time to wait now and just pray. :wtc:
     
  23. That is my #1 hobby currently actually. I lift 5-6+ days/week and run long distance or sprints 3 days/week.

    It definitely helps. For those 1-3 hours a day, I'm free...I am completely zoned out from my life.
     
  24. After I posted that I did LOL @ how much it sounded like Vin Diesel but was too lazy to edit it. :bowrofl:
     
  25. Ugh, I feel so horribly depressed and anggry again. I don't know how to just relax and love life. I worry all the time and I hate it. I'm sure it's good that I worry because I get shit done but it takes over my life. I'm not embarassed to say that I've been sitting here crying for the past hour at my computer desk. I just feel like I do everything wrong and nothing is ever going to be normal again. I'm sure in reality I'm working towards correcting and bettering my self but the way I think about it all I see is me being fucked. There is a thing in my life I WANT to do but I CAN'T and it makes me angry every day that I can't and it is unfair. Life is not fair though, so what can I expect?

    I just feel like permanently stressed, angry, sad, depressed...all at once, all the time. I don't know how to fix it...I dont think i can. I think there are just lots of forces pushing me towards living this way and no matter how hard I push back they will just keep pushing. At times I just wish I had died when I was in the hospital, it would have been very peaceful. It seems like the brief moments of happiness though keep me going, just waiting for that next moment where I can smile.
     

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