SRS Considering divorce

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by FrEaKsHoW 24/7, Aug 6, 2009.

  1. FrEaKsHoW 24/7

    FrEaKsHoW 24/7 Member

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    I'm 32 years old. Wife is 30 years old. Have been married almost 9 years. Have 2 kids, son is 7 and daughter is about to turn 5.

    About a year ago, my wife who is more or less computer illiterate, decided something was wrong in our marriage and took every opportunity to find out what was wrong. Through her researches, she found a few e-mails I have received from various friends and such containing some porn. Nothing I would classify as overboard, but apparently she thought it was cheating. I can understand a bit, but I was also confused because I thought we were OK with that based on past experiences.

    Anyhow, shit hit the fan major. It's been a long long battle, but we've been trying to work it out for over a year now. It's really starting to wear on me. The fights seem to be getting worse and worse. I keep telling myself that if she does one more thing, I'll end it. Kind of like drawing a line in the sand... But then she crosses the line and I draw another and another and another. It's like a never ending cycle I guess. The more and more I analyze it, the closer I think we are to getting divorced.

    We have good days and bad days. Lately it's been about 1 good day to 5 bad days. She is so paranoid of me cheating on her, she insists on having passwords to every account I have so she can check up on me. She reads all my e-mails, texts, listens to voicemail, etc. Flat out paranoid IMO. I've gone to the extent of changing passwords to help myself feel like I have a bit of control in my life, but it only makes things worse. She keeps insisting that I owe it to her because I am the one who cheated. I really don't care so much about her having the passwords, because I really honestly have nothig to hide. But she finds any little bit of info and immediately finds a way to twist it into something it is not. Always uses everything against me.

    For the sake of the kids I've tried hard as I may to keep it together. I want so bad for them to grow up in a solid home with a loving mother and father. I just don't see it working out though between us though.

    I guess I am just scared of the next step. I am completely fucked financially. I have 2 credit cards with balances of over $6k each. Car loans, a house with little/no equity at this point, many many other misc. bills. I do have a $20K 401K account I could tap into if really needed, but by after fees and taxes, it's not much to mention. I've tried so hard to keep my wife happy and show her love, but it seems all she wants is material things to feel that love. It's costing me dearly. I've spent over $20K in the past year just trying to "buy her love" so to speak. I'm out of money, have more debt than I can imagine, and it's getting worse day by day. Paycheck to paycheck. I have many things going on the cc because we don't make enough. She'll be working soon, but it's not much.

    My wife isn't working currently. She works for the local school district part time and will be starting again in a few weeks. I'm just stressed/worried about the financial logistics and repurcussions of such a decision. Not that it's the major part of my decision making, but it's definitely on my mind. Before my wife started working (last year) she was a stay-at-home mom for the entire marriage. I don't make a ton, but am decent without all the extra bills we've brought on this past year.

    Because I live in Utah, I'm almost guaranteed not to get custody of the kids, even though she doesn't make enough to support them. I fully realize I'll be paying child support. But my wife seems to think she'll be getting all I make plus some as alimoney. I realize she won't really get that much, but it's of concern as well. She can't pay hardly any of the bills with what little she makes. And I can't afford to move out and pay on both places, not to mention I just won't do it.

    Through the little research I've done about Utah Divorce Law, it sounds to me like we would be better off with an uncontested divorce. I think we could come to an understanding about all the property division. But the problem will be with the kids. I can't stand the thought of my kids being raised with such little financial support. Plus I just love them so dearly. I cant' stand the thought of being without them. If I must, I'll do my best to make it work, but I really won't enjoy it. I don't see it going uncontested though. From the things she's said this past year, I can see her turning into a major bitch about every little thing. That right there scares me. I don't have the financial ability to fight this. I realize she doesn't either, but she has wealthy family who would definitely help her out so she could stick it to me.

    Maybe this is just random dribble spewing forth out of my mouth...Sorry if it is. I'm so confused/lost/hurt/poor right now, I just can't think straight. I know my main priorities right now are the kids. I just worry a lot about paying for all the existing bills and possibly getting screwed in a divorce.

    If anyone has suggestions as to what I need to do to prepare for an ugly divorce, I'm all ears. I've got a lot of ideas already, but I'm sure this one is going to hurt, and cost.
     
  2. FrEaKsHoW 24/7

    FrEaKsHoW 24/7 Member

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    oh yeah, about the post count....This is a real post. I had an account here which I created back in '04. I had Fazle delete it when shit started going on last year. Because the original account was deleted, it could not be reinstated. So I got a new account.
     
  3. seismic

    seismic New Member

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    Unfortunately there's no way around the cost.

    Think about your kids though. What is growing up in a household, where their parents are so unhappy, doing to them? Maybe they would be able to understand that everyone would be happier apart.

    I'm not trying to accuse or anything, but I've heard that people who are paranoid of their partner cheating are often cheaters themselves. Maybe she has trust issues because she's been unfaithful? Have you thought of that?

    A divorce would hurt everyone, but sometimes you have to get through the rain to see the sun. :)
     
  4. FrEaKsHoW 24/7

    FrEaKsHoW 24/7 Member

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    Good Points. I was talking with some family a while back, and they said that kids are better raised in a happy single-parent home than they are in an unhappy double-parent home. Fighting all the time wears on them as well. I am starting to see some of it in them too. We try our hardest to keep it away from the kids, but every now and then.....

    Funny you mention her cheating. One day I was checking my FB account and she told me to check hers, and gave me her password. She was expecting a message from a mutual friend. So I checked it and noticed she had contacted an ex-boyfriend. I confronted her about it and she immediately pushed it off like it was nothing and changed the subject. Ironically she changed her password the next day. LOL Dunno how far it's gone though. She didn't do a friend request for him (at the time, who knows now) but you can send a message to someone if they aren't your friend.
     
  5. gkremian

    gkremian New Member

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    :bowdown:

    I hate to agree with him, but he's right. If there are a lot of trust issues on her end, then it's not a healthy relationship for you to be in and it won't be one for your kids. Sometimes divorces are the right choice to make even though they're expensive and painful.
     
  6. GregFarz78

    GregFarz78 New Member

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    Don't be so sure of that :sad2: You'll have to pay enough to "maintain her and the kids current lifestyle" fucking bullshit but thats the way it normally goes. Try to come up with a mutual agreement out of court, is that even a possibility? Give her the house, car and monthly child support for the kids, you get to keep your retirement account and any savings. Best thing would be avoiding lawyers but some women are pretty vindictive when it comes to divorce they want everything including your soul.
     
  7. FrEaKsHoW 24/7

    FrEaKsHoW 24/7 Member

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    I'd be all for avoiding lawyers. If I could catch her in the right mood, she may be willing as well. But I fear as soon as everyone else gets wind of it, they'll push her to go for more. That only equals pain for me. Not that she'd get much more. Realistically she doesn't make enough for the house payment, let alone the car payment, food on top of that, and all other necessary bills.
     
  8. seismic

    seismic New Member

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    However you can, avoid taking money out of that 401(k). Just remember you're not only taking out the money in there now, you're taking out the money that you could have had if you had kept it in. Suddenly that $20,000 turns into $200,000. Not really, but you can get my point. :)
     
  9. kiri

    kiri New Member

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    have you considered counseling? i mean i know she's being annoying, but the original incident seems so minuscule that it seems crazy that she couldn't get over it with some help. getting over your spouse cheating is one thing, but a few porno emails?? give me a break.

    if you feel like you still love each other under all this bullshit, try counseling. if the marriage is just NOT working, and this issue is the icing on the cake, then you've got to end it :hs:
     
  10. FrEaKsHoW 24/7

    FrEaKsHoW 24/7 Member

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    We've been to counseling. We started about 2 months after she found the e-mails, and then went once a week for almost 4 months. Basically the counselor told us that he's done all he can and we need to work on what we've been taught to work on. In retrospect, it was a good thing because I learned a few things from it. I don't think she really cared though.

    I agree, I think it's a miniscule thing to blow up this much over. But it's to the point now that I feel like I am no longer in control of my life. Everything I do has to be approved by her basically. Everywhere I want to go, who I go with, how long I can be there....I feel like a prisoner. It's very frustrating because I care for her, but I can't see this going on any longer.
     
  11. kiri

    kiri New Member

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    yikes :sad2:

    does she honestly think it's that bad? do you think she's using it as an excuse to end the marriage? like, she wants to get out but if you "cheated" then it absolves her of any guilt. or do you (realistically) think she's cheating with this ex-bf dude?
     
  12. FrEaKsHoW 24/7

    FrEaKsHoW 24/7 Member

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    Probably doesn't help that she'd been admitted when she was a teenager for depression. Spent 2 months in the "facilities" as she calls it. She's been on Wellbutrin as long as we've been together.
     
  13. FrEaKsHoW 24/7

    FrEaKsHoW 24/7 Member

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    I don't think she's really cheating. Maybe e-mailing at most. I really don't mind that. I'm not the jealous type. I think she wants it to end, and feels like if I am the one who calls it quits, then it makes it easier for her to get more. Ya know, husband "cheated", now he's the one to call it quits, poor pity me Mr. Judge!
     
  14. kiri

    kiri New Member

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    fucked up, man. and this has been going on for a year? how long do you think you can tough it out? it would be so messed up if she got all your shit from the divorce but you KNOW the judge would side with her
     
  15. FrEaKsHoW 24/7

    FrEaKsHoW 24/7 Member

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    Yeah, it really is. Yup, actually, 15 months actually. I thought I would have called it quits a long time ago. I have a friend I talk to occasionally and he is still amazed we are still together when he hears all the little details. Sometimes I look back and think of all the lines I've drawn in the sand that have been crossed. I can't count that high.

    I know the judge would side with her. Especially in the state of Utah where so many wives are stay-at-home moms. It's tough. Iv'e decided that if I am ever to leave, the only way to do it is to have a list, a few friends, and hit it hard while she's away at work or shopping.
     
  16. FrEaKsHoW 24/7

    FrEaKsHoW 24/7 Member

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    there's really not a lot of shit I want. I'd be happy to give her jsut about anything she wanted. Obviously I have a few personal items I really want, but knowing her vengeful spite attitude, she'd try to get them just to piss me off. Then she'd probably give them away to anyone who'd take them.

    Her brother got divorced 12 years ago and he got screwed. She's vowed to not let that happen to her.
     
  17. seismic

    seismic New Member

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    See if you can convince her to ask her doctor if a different medication might be in order. Maybe hers isn't having the same impact and that's why she's blowing things out of proportion.
     
  18. MissKitty

    MissKitty If squats were easy they'd be called 'Your Mum' OT Supporter

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    I am one of those women who think porn and the like is cheating. I am very insecure and worry about what my husband does when I am not around.
    He is much like you in the way he is very relaxed and draws his line at a different spot to me.
    He has a friend who sends those kind of emails :rofl: He is an old workmate and I have asked why he doesn't just email him and say 'Stop sending them' but he hasn't and to be honest I am now used to it. Some of the things he sends are hilarious and other times it's just pure porn. At the end of the day I trust my husband not to do anything he knows would upset me. He knows all my passwords and I know all his. He knows all the forums I am on and all the emails I have and I the same.

    She sounds insecure. If you have never given her reason to doubt you and you have been together for so long the only logical conclusion I can come to is that she has cheated (or thought about it) and is racked with guilt because if she crossed the line then she knows it's possible for you too as well.

    I don't know if divorce is a good idea, but if you have lost respect for her as a woman and as a wife then it will be very hard to falll in love with her again now you have seen this side of her.

    GGet counselling for yourself. talk to someone about you and how you feel and go from there
     
  19. GregFarz78

    GregFarz78 New Member

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    I hope you don't have joint bank accounts and credit cards the day you leave empty half that savings account and cut those credit cards off
     
  20. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Its time to be dominant Mr.freakshow, you must not allow your wife's insecurities to take over the situation in the household. You must under no circumstances accept your womans BS!!! You must scream to her that there is no other woman, that you are married to her because you love her. And that if she can't accept that to shut the fuck up and get the hell out of your life. Yell at her that you don't trust me, but you do accept all the things that i buy for you, i bought these things out of love for you. Im not going to buy these things anymore, start working for those things by yourself. Then ensue into saying 'Look at our bills, we aren't doing good at all, don't you realise we need to save money? You have got nothing to do the entire day which is why you have so much free time in being paranoid and playing detective on my life ,looking constantly for all my faults well fuck that, you are going back immediatly at working full time and helping supporting this family instead of constantly breaking it down like you have done so far. Its either that, or i am out of your life.

    Firmly take control of the situation in your own hand. Don't allow the scattered emotions to create chaos into the house. There is a clear direction and that is that everyone has to make sacrifices in order to make it a happy home, not just you, it has to be 50/50 going both ways. Everyone needs to be comitted to the relationship.

    And to sature her emotional needs, goto a marriage counceller.

    If all of that fails you may consider a divorce. But not without a 6 month effort to try to steer the relationship back into a proper direction.
     
  21. tibbar

    tibbar aww fennec foxah aww

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    I'd say battle through it, divorce is a nasty and lasting business for your kids. I would definitely stop buying her love, tell her you ("we") can't afford all these things, and I would make her get off your case.



    Of course it's easy for me to say because I'm not in the situation. :hs:
     
  22. calisteph6

    calisteph6 Active Member

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    I would try a different therapist and also go to therapy alone...and her too. Sounds like you guys have worked on it and need to get a divorce...but if you think there is a chance you should try.
     
  23. FrEaKsHoW 24/7

    FrEaKsHoW 24/7 Member

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    Definitely some good advice in here. Thanks everyone! A lot of stuff to mull over and heavily consider before I decide which direction to go.

    I will say though that I have tried to be firm with her in trying to get her to realize how poor we are and to stop spending, and also in trying to get her to get off my case. As you all know, it's easier said than done...
     
  24. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    I would go to another counselor and try again. A one time try doesn't mean that particular counselor was the right guy for the job. If a counselor says (after 4 months) that he has "nothing more" then I don't think that's really enough.

    You wouldn't go to a doctor who spent 4 months on you and couldn't figure out a health problem and simply stop there without seeing others, so why take marriage vows so lightly and not give it more effort.

    I know this is difficult, but once upon a time you loved this person -- perhaps even still -- but something happened along the way, and finding out what's going on is really important. You'll be in contact with this woman for the rest of your life to various degrees whether you like to or not -- so push hard to make this work before going into a divorce. Find out why she's spending money so severely. Find out why she "exploded" emotionally over e-mail including porn.

    Find out, because these things don't just happen for no reason.
     
  25. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    See, this is a smart girl.
     

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