SRS Confronted my mother today

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by SolidRanger, Feb 19, 2010.

  1. SolidRanger

    SolidRanger New Member

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    On the suggestion of my councilor I confronted my mother today about how she always talked negatively about my father and men in general all my life. I was pretty much raised by my mother and she would constantly criticize the male gender and me when I would exhibit normal male behaviors by saying that I suffered from "Y-chromosome disease".

    Through therapy I have sort of concluded that because of all this negativity towards men, I always tried to be different. To be more sensitive, to strive to be unlike my father, which had resulted in me being a typical "nice guy" in the way that I constantly seek approval from people, that I am a social cameleon, adapting my behaviors, attitudes, beliefs based on seeking the approval of people around me. Naturally, this behavior of putting my self last has really hurt my own happiness, leaving me frustrated, insecure, lonely, etc etc.

    We had a really good talk, I explained how her words and actions made me feel it wasn't ok to just be myself and she apologized for her behavior. I feel really good, like I'm finally getting into a healthy mindset, more confident, etc etc
     
    Last edited: Feb 19, 2010
  2. 7960

    7960 New Member

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    when people post shit like "counseling doesn't work" and "counseling is for the weak", can you please post this and promptly tell them to fuck off?



    (congrats on your progress)
     
  3. SolidRanger

    SolidRanger New Member

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    Totally. I was one of those people, afraid to go to counseling because I thought it was a sign of weakness, but it's so not. It's a place where you can completely speak your mind and get a really good alternative perspective on things. In all my deep concentrating trying to solve my own problems I couldn't realize the solutions that are all too obvious to be me now.

    I always blamed everyone else for my problems, like I was right and everyone else was broken, but I realize now that it's the other way around.
     
  4. TheOutlawTorn

    TheOutlawTorn New Consequence Machine

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    This is great news! Very exciting! I'm glad you're able to move forward! Keep an good outlook and positive attitude! :bigthumb:
     
  5. Coottie

    Coottie BOOMER......SOONER OT Supporter

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    The fact that you are in counseling and you discussed this confrontation with your therapist first and only then....confronted your mother, makes this good news.

    One of the HUGE difficulties with this kind of communication is the tendency to blame the other person for shit that they don't have any control over. Yes it's ok to have a, "When you do ______ I feel ______ and I'd like you to stop" type of conversation. When I'm working with alcoholics about this type of communication, I always investigate their motives.

    It's quite common for the person wanting to confront the other to want to make the other person feel guilty, sad and/or to "destroy them" emotionally. Those are all unhealthy motivations and often will only lead to more pain and suffering in the relationship.

    It sounds like your talk was not of this variety and I'm happy that you're working with a therapist on this. Congrats on having the guts to confront your mom....those are truly difficult conversations.
     
  6. Stilgar1973

    Stilgar1973 New Member

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    He didn't do anything that couldn't have been acomplished by working out at the gym for a few hours.

    **all kidding aside, I agree with 7960 on this.
     
  7. Socrates

    Socrates New Member

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    Good to hear! I grew up in a very similar home, but my talk with my Mom did not go well. My mom is a hairline trigger when it comes to going on the defensive.
     
  8. CorpseStreet

    CorpseStreet New Member

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    Congrats and good luck on making more progress!
     
  9. BoomBoomBoy

    BoomBoomBoy Guest

    Congrats!
     
  10. deusexaethera

    deusexaethera OT Supporter

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    Glad the conversation went well. However, don't expect her to change her behavior, not overnight, and probably not ever. It's one thing to have a rational conversation about something like this, but it's a totally different thing to change habits that have persisted for decades. Just because she understands what you said doesn't mean she'll do anything about it. Be prepared to leave a lot of distance between you and her, for your own good.

    Consider spending some time with your dad, if you have the option.
     
  11. VA197

    VA197 New Member

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    .
     
  12. METALLlC BLUE

    METALLlC BLUE New Member

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    Smart people constantly seek guidance and or knowledge from those who know more then they do.

    Seeing a counselor was the right move. You've got balls confronting your mother, which now means you're officially a man (philosophically speaking)!
     

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