SRS Conflicted about staying with gf

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Dmar, Feb 18, 2007.

  1. Dmar

    Dmar Jump

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    I've been with my gf almost a year and a half...and I don't know how I feel about her.

    On the one hand, she is completely perfect. She never gives me any crazy, psycho girl drama. We've had like no serious arguments. She gives me no trouble at all.

    But on the other hand, I feel like there is some kind of deep connection missing. Whenever we hang out all we do is watch TV and other meaningless shit. We never have any "deep" conversations. It kind of seems like everything's superficial. I don't even feel like telling her about some important ideas/experiences I've had because I feel like she's not really interested in hearing about it. Sometimes I don't even feel like I know her...we just sort of go through the motions. I don't feel like she fits in with my friends either...we only hang out alone...and I feel like my friends are kind of hurt by that.

    She's my first girlfriend. I'm a junior in college and I've been going out with her since the beginning of my sophmore year. I feel like she's made me complacent: I quit going to the gym and haven't been able to go back in a routine since...I've gotten really out of shape. I also feel like I miss the "chase". I went to a party tonight with some friends without her because she was working, and I really miss it.

    I would kind of like to break up with her. But there's two things stopping me:
    1) I still love her, but I don't know if I mean it when I say it. We've done a lot of stuff together over the past 1.5 years...and it hurts to think of losing that. I kind of feel like I love her just because we've been together so long...I don't know if I love her in the romantic sense anymore.
    2) I worry about hurting her. I live around all my friends and hang out with them all the time. She lives at home. It kind of seems like I'm the only thing she has right now. Although, she still has friends in the area...she probably would hang out with them more if I wasn't around...but she would still be missing a lot without me...I think.

    These thoughts have been sort of stirring in my head since a few months ago. I just feel like I'm stuck in a rut and need a change, but I'm worried about losing her since we've done so much together and I don't want to hurt her. At the same time, I feel like I should be spending more time hanging out with my friends while I'm in college and having more fun on my own or with other chicks...or at least spending time with someone who I have a deep connection with.

    Anyone gone through something similar and have any advice?
     
  2. johan

    johan Active Member

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    After reading your narrative, I've come to the conclusion that you've outgrown her.

    You should respectfully terminate this half-hearted relationship and set her free. In doing so, you also set yourself free.

    The both of you deserve to be with someone who ignites you inside.


    She may not understand exactly why this needs to happen.
    And there will be pain, you may even reconsider and go back and forth several times.
    You may even decide to put it off and stay with her.

    But you have already sensed what you ultimately must do. Good luck in doing it.
     
  3. eidolon

    eidolon New Member

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    Sounds like my last relationship... I think it might almost be just something that happens over time no matter what you do, and you've gotta find some way to reignite things, accept it, or just call it quits. Or maybe I've just not found the right person.
     
  4. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    Sorta sounds like a zombie relationship , the gf only does so much and for her that's all there's to it. Having a meaningfull meaning of life conversation with her is a thinking frame that she isn't interested, other then wanting to have fun the rest of existance is nothing more then a mere annoyance. Maby you still want to be with her in that you can hold and find meaningfull deep discussions somewhere else.
     
  5. Dmar

    Dmar Jump

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    This does ring kinda true. Especially "half-hearted"...that's a pretty good description.

    For awhile now I've no longer enjoyed talking on the phone with her that much. I see her on weekends only, but we usually talk once a day. At first they were 1hr+ conversations each week...but now I usually try to keep them short but not too short...just enough time to talk about what we did that day...what we're doing the next day....

    Whenever she's coming over to see me I usually am not too excited about it..I would almost rather spend time alone or with my friends. But after she's been here a few days I miss her for about a day after she leaves...but then it's back to normal. This makes me thing I only "love" her now because I'm used to her being around.
     
  6. Dmar

    Dmar Jump

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    Yes, that kind of stuff definitely does not interest her....but it's stuff I think about constantly. She...like a good portion of people...seems to just go through the motions of life. The past year or so I've done a lot of self-discovery I guess you could say...and that kind of living is not really acceptable to me. That's fairly vague, but I hope you get the gist of it.

    Could I be asking for too much? Like I said, she's perfect in a sense. No trouble, no drama... Do most people have relationships where they just work...talk about their day...watch TV...go see a movie occasionally...sex, sleep, repeat?
     
  7. beanolo

    beanolo It does a body good!!!1

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    Its not going to change man, unless one of you makes a move to do so. Either by splitting up, or having a discussion about it. If she is not capable of having a conversation of this sort as you mention, then you have to let her go to catch up or "grow" a bit more.

    If you don't make the move, the routine will continue dormant like that until one of you wants out. For me, I sat through it for 6 years.

    Your definition of her being "perfect" is a bit skewed atm. Once you take a step back to reanalyze the situation you'll really see how "perfect" it is.
     
  8. ian2000gsxr

    ian2000gsxr New Member

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    Hey there buddy, your story sounds very similiar to something I am going thru so I thought I would reply.
    Anyway, I am also in my first serious relationship and am also a Junior in college. My girl for example loves me like crazy and really tries to make me happy...although she can really cause some headaches with some of her drama. Sometimes this just isn't enough, as things just don't seem the same as when we first went out. There isn't that fire...like I will die if I don't see her. The phone situation sounds similar as well. I used to spend an hour talking to her, but these days it's more of a bother and I try to keep it short. Also, I find myself looking at other girls and wanting to meet them...to play the field so to speak...explore my options. In my case I think I have just gotten comfortable with everything...my family likes her, I don't want to hurt her etc. In the end it just comes down to looking out for yourself...if you think this is some phase and you'll get over it, fine..but you don't want to get in deep (marriage, kids) and then realize maybe she really isn't the one.
     
  9. xtremejimmy

    xtremejimmy New Member

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    this man speaks the truth!
     
  10. audrey

    audrey New Member

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    I think it sounds like you would be better of just being friends.
     
  11. Sularis

    Sularis New Member

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    I have recently been having similar feelings and such, but I do have one thought that I might add. I don't believe that that "fiery ignition" where you talk on the phone 3+ hours a day and you feel like you're going to die if you don't see her and stuff like that is SUPPOSED to last forever. From what I can conclude, when you first start falling in love with a person your body ups its hormone levels and things such as that and you feel that way but that after a year or two years those levels return back to normal and you reach a different stage of the relationship (Maybe a married OTer or one with a very longterm relationship could provide more insight?).

    I also think it is probably normal to miss "the chase." I sometimes feel like that is probably one of those grass-is-greener things, but again, I'm just as inexperienced as you so I can't really say for sure. Just know that you aren't alone.
     
  12. Lateralus

    Lateralus New Member

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    You know that you're not happy being with her, and you know that she isn't providing what you need out of this relationship. So you have a couple options, either you end things with her in the best way possible and move on, or you put it off, stay with her and continue torturing yourself.
     
  13. Spiritus

    Spiritus Active Member

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    Start throwing passion into the relationship. Take her out on a walk, and surprise sex her next to your preplanned picnic in the forest with a bottle of wine and good food, grapes, almonds, cheese, and etc.

    You should enjoy it just because it is so unexpected. Tell her you are expecting the same type of crazy surprises too.

    It sounds like you have a great girlfriend, the only problem I see is that you guys are getting too comfortable. Always take it to another level, let it constantly evolve.
     
  14. GregFarz78

    GregFarz78 New Member

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    You guys just got too comfortable with each other sounds like you both have communication problems

    but on the other hand I want to advise you to get out there and play the field since this is only your first g/f
     
  15. Brian May

    Brian May New Member

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    I wouldn't want to be in a relationship like that, it's seems like a big waste to me. let her down gently and play the field. you're young, have some fun and have the freedom to do what you want.
     
  16. asugrl

    asugrl New Member

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    you guys don't ever fight?? yeah, sounds like something is missing. My bf had the same problem with an ex; they were just comfortable after a while, but she didn't challenge him, and couldn't have intellectual conversations with him. He broke up with her, and I guess things have worked out so far: he found me (I challenge him a lot, lol) and we've dated for 3 years, and his ex is now my friend, and she is getting married to his friend. So I'm just showing breaking up with her may be the best thing to do; you could still be friends after a while, since you do have that comfort. It sounds like a good friendship, not a romantic relationship.
     

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