SRS Complicated, but not really...the sad affair of moi

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Lokish, May 11, 2007.

  1. Lokish

    Lokish New Member

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    Good day folks of the asylum, I am not sure if I am looking for advice or just needing to vent, however if you read and feel you need to say something, then by all means go ahead.

    To the issue:

    I made a post here months ago about breaking up with my bf of 3 yrs back in Sept. Well, here is an update on the current state of affairs (oh and the irony of this shall not be lost on you as I continue).

    Shortly after I had broken up with my ex, I ended up talking to someone online a lot who is not even in the same country as me. He was coming to my area for a week and we had made plans to hang out. As we talked more and more, we ended up talking more and more online. At some point, it went from being rather friendly (and I am a horrible flirt but just generally keep it all on the friendly harmless side) to something else. Read into that, that it became more romantic/whatever. First plans were more if things hit off then that's cool, but no plant s to pursure anything further as LDRs just don't work 99 times out of 100 (sure the odds are higher then that to tell the truth). Things get more serious on some note, somehow, hell I don't even really know when that happened. So for 1 - 1.5 months this goes on and then he comes in town. We have a fantastic time (which is easy to do when you only have a short amount of time to spend with someone) and make plans for when he would be coming back and perhaps for me to go visit him. Nothing is set really other then we apparently both had strong feelings for each other and we keep in contact.

    When he left, I got a bit depressed as I admit I felt rather strongly for him, however I would not say that I loved him as I had only known him for a short while. But I was happier then I can remember being with someone. I didn't let that keep me from doing things with friends or going out, infact made it more of a point to do those things in life that you should do in order to get yourself out of a funk (started going back to Aikido, got more into my photography hobby, learned PS CS2 more, got a new job cause my old one was making me miserable and stressed, went out with friends to chill, started to make some new friends, etc.). I don't like to let my emotions rule me as you can get a handle on how you feel as long as you don't let yourself get overwhelmed. All during this time, we are still emailing and saying how we miss each other and so on.

    Now, January. I am sitting home one night messing around on the computer and I get a phone call...from his wife. I am in shock during the conversation on the phone, but the gist of it was she wanted to let me know he is married and wanted to know basically if I had known he was married and just didn't care or if I was unknowing of her. Stunned. I tell her that I didn't know he was married and if I had of...I would have steered clear of him romantically. Course, knowing that he is a liar and a cheater, I would never have maintained a friendship with him as I don't lie or cheat myself and I don't tolerate it in my friends. If you can't be honest with yourself and your friends then you are not the type of person that I need to be around. Had too many people in my life be backstabbers and create more then enough trouble and drama. I hate drama and dishonesty. I make this clear with my friends...and if I won't tolerate it in a friends, I wouldn't in a romantic relationship either.

    Over the next two days, I get text messages on my phone asking me questions and appologizing for shattering this illusion I had. No apologies needed...I would rather know the truth then live with a lie, surrounded by a lie or have my head in the clouds while reality keeps marching on past. (god I rant a lot). So, when I find out, I stop emailing him, get rid of his contact information/phone number/etc. I figure that is the end of that and for some reason...the only thing I feel about the whole thing is numb and sorry for her. Sure he was dishonest with me and I guess some people would think he cheated on me, however he had the commitment with her and he cheated on her. I feel bad for her. I feel mad that he would do that to someone he said he loved and married. I feel nothing for me...it doesn't matter...life goes on.

    A few weeks later, I start getting emails from her asking me details about how it started, who started it, how long it lasted, if he was planning on leaving her for me, if I wanted her to step aside, asking me to leave him alone as he had to work on his marriage, saying she leaving him, saying she was going to stay with him, that she didn't want me to email him, that she wanted me to email him, she wanted me to tell her if he talked to me again, accusing me of talking to him, being upset with me when I would not answer her emails right away, apologizing for getting upset and saying how sorry she felt for me. And so much more.

    I tell my friends about the whole thing as it is happening and everyone says I should block her, tell her to leave me alone. I like to help people, I feel bad that she got hurt by him through being with me even though I know that if he wasn't with me he would be with someone else. It's not my problem, but it is. I hate people hurting...you have no idea how much I hate people hurting. So I answer her questions to a point, I am polite and at the same time, very to the point in what I say. Now through her emailing me, I never get any emails from him...then after she starts asking me to let her know if he contacts me and telling me she wants me to email him and ask him why he did this, I sudden get emails from him. So far, I have got about 6+ emails from "him" asking me how I am doing, if everything is ok, why I won't reply, if it's the right email address, begging me to respond. I won't.

    I don't think about this, but I do think about this. I don't think about him, but I do. I don't think about her, but I do. I feel nothing for me in all this, except on the rare occasion I think "I didn't know him really, she thinks i loved, not a chance, I didn't even know the man apparently since he was married and I didn't know".

    Now we get into March, I decide to try dating...nothing serious cause I still haven't been interested in being with someone in a real way. I end up going out on a date with a guy, not really interested but he is really nice...I don't know. Confused...still confused and numb about the other guy. After I hurt his feelings, he still wants to date me and I feel bad. He plays on my feelings of guilt and we end up dating for about two weeks...I lose 700$. Lesson learned as he was a con with a couple of outstanding warrants. He tried to move in with me, but I thankfully dodged that, however that was part of the reason I got taken for 700$.

    So at this point, I am numb and pretty sure I make the worst decisions ever. I still flirt with my guy friends and love to hang with my friends, but the moment a guy that is local wants to date me...the game changes and I just can't do it. Still numb. There is a good guy who is local and is fustrated that I won't give it an honest go with him and I tried to explain to him that my headspace isn't there.


    To sum it all up, I make bad choices with my love life, I am numb and alone. The only people I am interested in, dont' live local so there is no real posibility of anything happening there. Kind of a safety net if you will, but I would have been interested in them before all this crap happened...just the distance thing gets me.


    I am done...sorry for writing a book and incase you are wondering, no, writing all this hasn't helped.


    Cheers...................................................................
     
  2. 04JETTA

    04JETTA OT Supporter

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    it just takes time just remember that u cant change the past but you can edit the future after all every ending is a new beginning so u jus hafta start fresh figure out what u want and then everything else will fall into place
     
  3. Lokish

    Lokish New Member

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    I get what you are saying, however I don't regret anything I have done. I did nothing wrong and I know that. As for my future, that remains to be discovered. All other aspects of my life fall into place nicely though. Just one of those things right now.
     
  4. Lucky Penny

    Lucky Penny Mr. cut me some slack cause I don't wanna go back,

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    You have a broken man-filter, my love. But fear not, it's an easy fix- though it takes a bit of time.

    Ready?

    K,
    *first- get a pen and paper. Write down EVERYTHING you want from an SO. I mean everything- big things, little things, stupid things, whatev.
    *Then, write down everything you don't want from an SO.
    *After you finished those long lists- write down ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING you're not willing to compromise on in a significant other. Deal beakers if you will.

    Then, once you've had a chance to really reflect on what you want, what you didn't get from your other relationships and what you need from the next one- go out there and start dating again. But take it slow. Make sure that your new potential SO fulfills your requirements before you get in too deep.

    The only way to get what you want is to 1. know what you want & 2. go get it. Sounds easier said than done, of course- but they're simple steps. Give it a try, see how you do. Good luck to you! :x:
     
  5. Lokish

    Lokish New Member

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    Lucky, I think you are right. I do need to sit down and think about what I want in someone because up till now, I have really just been going on an attraction bases and things get way serious before I end up finding out about undesireable traits. I figure I just want someone kind of like me...cept a male and to have a few different interests to make things interesting.

    I will update when I actually write the list out.
     
  6. Toasty

    Toasty Naked people have little or no influence on societ

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    Wow. Certainly a string of bad luck. Sorry to hear that.

    There's 2 ways I might handle your situation if I felt I couldn't trust myself:

    1) Just swear off relationships for a while. Take things VERY slow for a good time. One of my good friends swore off dating or sex with any guys for a full year just to sort out her feelings in her last relationship. Maybe you don't need quite as much time...but certainly some time to adjust to just being content with yourself without feeling like you need someone else.

    2) Like I brought up in another post here recently... there were times in my life where I relied upon other people, like friends and family, to help give me objective opinions about the people I end up seeing. That kind of advice helps when you feel your own filter is misaligned.
     
  7. SpaMan

    SpaMan Mind over matter.

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    This is a lesson to everyone really:

    Be honest, lies only form more lies, and become a web of illusion. Illusion leads to dissolution and ultimately unhappiness.

    And now not only is he going to be unhappy, he's made you unhappy. Very unfair.

    Luckily you've learned from this and you can move forward; Grow from it. It most certainly was necessary and happened just as it should.

    I'm sure you'll find the right person as everyone can and should. You just have to believe in that and wish for it and prove to yourself that you're worth someone worthy of you.

    Make sacrifices, compromises, and all those things that people really tend to lose touch with. That's what love is and that's exactly what you're looking for. With a little patience you'll find that person as if the path was laid out for you all along. A list will turn into nothing more than ink and paper. Limitations will be a memory.

    Trust your heart above all and remember your eyes can betray you and judging a book by its cover is unwise.
     
  8. Lokish

    Lokish New Member

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    SpaMan - I honestly don't know if I am unhappy or not. I know that my desire to date is just not there. The only two people I think I would date don't live here, which makes it easy enough to want to date them, since I know I am not leaving my city anytime soon and they are not leaving theirs. So we can flirt and say a few cute little what ifs, but everyone in the game knows that is as far as it can go.

    When I have been with someone, I make my compromises and sacrifices and want nothing more then for them to be happy. however not always at my expense. I make sure that I am in the relationship how I want to be treated back. I am just thinking that really, I might just be better alone...I have always seemed happier alone even if I do get a bit lonely once in a while and close friends to hang with on a regular basis can fix that up quick enough anyhow.

    Everytime I have led with my heart, something messed up and awful happens, even though my brain tells me that I am being completely stupid. I have an incredible guilty conscience for nothing...I just hate people hurting and will endure more myself in order to try not to hurt people until they push it too far or I finally have enough.

    I think I should lead more with my brain then with my heart. Least if you view reality for the whole you see it as, you don't have to worry about being let down so much. I sometimes think that foolish people harbour ideas of finding the perfect one for them.

    God I could go on a mini rant (being another book long post).
     
  9. SpaMan

    SpaMan Mind over matter.

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    I know how you feel. I have the same kind of circumstances going on for me, wanting people who are out of reach. But really nothing is out of reach if you want it. Most things in life that are great and wonderful have to be worked hard for; I know you probably don't want a lecture and this leads to my point of: As much as you say these two people you want are out of reach they in reality are easily reachable. Don't limit yourself or rationalize what cannot- be done in life, only focus on what can be done. That's philosophy talking though, not entirely my opinion, since it came from other great minds.

    I understand the feeling of not knowing yourself or how you feel too. It sounds like you've been through a rough patch, and you again this is something that a lot of us all go through. Most probably there's someone out there, just like you, with the exact same situation, but only you can't see it, because you're not there - heck they could even have the same name. So you're never really alone, you just think you are. Ever look at an ant colony before? They all look pretty much the same right? It's a matter of perception.

    Love these days has a price tag on it - and that's what we call material love and what I like to call love as a label, rather than a real thing; A convenience or something that people believe is true because it must be true because of what materially or physically is done to each other to prove something that cannot be proven, like roses, a kind word, or better yet the promise of marriage until death. It's the problem of thinking in linear forms of popular culture and accepted ideology that is truly not a fact, but a personal opinion. You're absolutely right, there is not such thing as a perfect person or love.

    In my opinion: It's a matter of faith and trusting what your heart has to say, yet also listening to what your mind is telling you. Your mind can tell you if a person is -not- right for love in the tangible ways, but only your inner heart can tell you if you love someone with that spark of intangibility you can't explain; The soul, the magic dust that surrounds us, who knows? The things in life that can't be explained in numbers or letters or with our own untrained eyes. Love is definable in every and many ways, just like God, just like the very fabric of time.

    Therefore it is a game altogether, the game of love - you are right, make sure to practice your game and you'll find it and yes there is no such thing as perfection, that's a perception which isn't a constant - we're human not Gods.

    Give yourself some credit though and be proud that you've experienced these things and at the end of the night you're still standing, and you're still proud that you did the right things that you believed in no matter how awful you were treated or treated others. Living a life of guilt has little place in this world. On the contrary blaming others and perpetuating what they've done to you has little constructive value. Individuality is what separates the sheep and the truly great people who have graced this world. Accept yourself for who you are, be it a murderer, or a bovine that eats too much, but remember there's always room for change and hope for the future, because that's why there is a future.

    I could go on as well ;)
     

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