I gave up my friendships I gave up my hobbies I gave up my security I gave up my time I gave up my money, all of it. I gave up my life I gave her my soul... All for love, to feel a love that was deeper and warmer than any I have ever felt. I changed my goals in life I rebuilt myself into a better person. All I wanted was to feel her love for the rest of my life. To have her companionship. She saw my weakness, and she exploited it. She used me. She moved on to the next guy. And here I sit, shattered. All I wanted was love and companionship.... She screwed me over, broke my heart, threw my soul away, hurt me more than anyone ever has, but still I don't have enough rage to screw her back. Every cell in my being wants to lash out at her, to make her feel atleast 1/100th of the emotional pain I have to endure. But morally, I can't do it. All it would take is a phone call, 5 minutes of my time, and her life would be shattered. But so would the life of an innocent child. A child I had sacraficed to help. Not only because she needed help, but because I was trying to make up for mistakes I had made a decade earlier... I gave my heart and soul, but because of selfish acts I had comitted in the past, before I even knew her name. She tore out my heart. How do I rebuild myself? I have spent the last 3 months mourning. I have hit rock bottom, looked in the mirror and admitted my sins to myself. I have leaned on the shoulders of friends and family, I have tried medications and therapy. I have even tried getting back into my old career. But nothing seems to help. I can't lean on others, medications make me feel worse than being sober. Therapy is a joke- it's the same shit I was told when I was 12, the same "tools" I use every day. The tools are useless to me. All I want is the love, companionship, and emotional bond. I have been told I "just care too much". But what is it worth if you don't care. I have been told there are many women out there who aren't like this. But where are they? Why does it seem like when I finally open my heart to one, it gets ripped out. It took me 6 years to heal from the last one. I steped very slowly into this one, it took me 8 months to fully give everything, to close my eyes and dive in over my head. But 2 years later, it's the same. The last time this happened I ran. I did everything I could to escape, I tried to fry it out of my brain, I tried to fill in the void with meaningless relationships. But in the end nothing helped... I cleaned myself up and just went along solo. Living with the void. Taking it as a fact of life. Until I met her. She filled the void, and then some. And as a thank you I gave up everything. And now she's gone. I can't do it again. But I don't want to be alone. I have tried to get back into my old hobbies, to work, to keep my mind off of it. To fill up the void with all the positive things I have used in the past. But they don't even begin to help. It seems the void is 3 times larger than before. Love is like a drug that takes you higher than you've ever been before. But the crash will destroy you worse than any man made drug in existence.