SRS completely lost...

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by 00600, Sep 28, 2007.

  1. 00600

    00600 New Member

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    I gave up my friendships
    I gave up my hobbies
    I gave up my security
    I gave up my time
    I gave up my money, all of it.
    I gave up my life
    I gave her my soul...

    All for love, to feel a love that was deeper and warmer than any I have ever felt.

    I changed my goals in life

    I rebuilt myself into a better person.

    All I wanted was to feel her love for the rest of my life. To have her companionship.

    She saw my weakness, and she exploited it.

    She used me.

    She moved on to the next guy.

    And here I sit, shattered.

    All I wanted was love and companionship....

    She screwed me over, broke my heart, threw my soul away, hurt me more than anyone ever has, but still I don't have enough rage to screw her back.

    Every cell in my being wants to lash out at her, to make her feel atleast 1/100th of the emotional pain I have to endure. But morally, I can't do it. All it would take is a phone call, 5 minutes of my time, and her life would be shattered. But so would the life of an innocent child. A child I had sacraficed to help. Not only because she needed help, but because I was trying to make up for mistakes I had made a decade earlier...

    I gave my heart and soul, but because of selfish acts I had comitted in the past, before I even knew her name. She tore out my heart.

    How do I rebuild myself?

    I have spent the last 3 months mourning.

    I have hit rock bottom, looked in the mirror and admitted my sins to myself. I have leaned on the shoulders of friends and family, I have tried medications and therapy. I have even tried getting back into my old career.

    But nothing seems to help.

    I can't lean on others, medications make me feel worse than being sober. Therapy is a joke- it's the same shit I was told when I was 12, the same "tools" I use every day.

    The tools are useless to me.

    All I want is the love, companionship, and emotional bond.

    I have been told I "just care too much".

    But what is it worth if you don't care.

    I have been told there are many women out there who aren't like this.

    But where are they? Why does it seem like when I finally open my heart to one, it gets ripped out.

    It took me 6 years to heal from the last one. I steped very slowly into this one, it took me 8 months to fully give everything, to close my eyes and dive in over my head.

    But 2 years later, it's the same.

    The last time this happened I ran. I did everything I could to escape, I tried to fry it out of my brain, I tried to fill in the void with meaningless relationships.

    But in the end nothing helped...

    I cleaned myself up and just went along solo. Living with the void. Taking it as a fact of life.

    Until I met her.

    She filled the void, and then some. And as a thank you I gave up everything.

    And now she's gone.

    I can't do it again.

    But I don't want to be alone.

    I have tried to get back into my old hobbies, to work, to keep my mind off of it. To fill up the void with all the positive things I have used in the past.

    But they don't even begin to help. It seems the void is 3 times larger than before.

    Love is like a drug that takes you higher than you've ever been before. But the crash will destroy you worse than any man made drug in existence.
     
  2. the ground folds

    the ground folds rest your trigger on my finger

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  3. Darth_Kelly

    Darth_Kelly Morality is the herd-instinct in the individual.

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    The worst thing for you to do right now is to speak to her or get with someone else. If you speak to her, it will just remind you more of the pain and might lead you to "lash out," which you will probably regret later based on what your feelings seem to be here. And getting with someone else will be a terrible idea right now considering the state you're in.
    I say you need to be alone for awhile, so you can learn that you shouldn't have to give up friendships, hobbies, security, money, etc. That's not part of love. Love and a close relationship is about equality, and each person making an effort. It almost sounds to me as if you didn't love her, but were infatuated with her, or in love with the "idea" of you two together, since you seem to have been a walking doormat for her.
    And as for the women who won't hurt you... if it took you 6 years to recover from the last one it shows me that a) you are dwelling far too much on the past and past women and b) that was 6 years you could've been looking for the right girl with a level head. They are definitely out there, but so are the bitches. What you need to do is try and analyze the character traits that led to these women hurting you, and try to look for them in the next women so that you can end it early if she seems to be hurting you. Also, I've been with men who have seemed to be nice at first then turned into assholes who manipulated me. Part of the reason for this, I think, is that I had low self esteem and they new that I *needed* them, so they gave into the temptation to manipulate me. This quote fits perfectly, I think: "Love is about needing someone because you love them, not loving them because you need them." I think you are suffering from the latter part of this quote, and have to learn how to be strong on your own so that a) You don't get in "meaningless" relationships that bring you down, don't fall for bitches just because you "need" them, and so that you have the strength to leave a bitchy woman if she's not treating you as you deserve, because although I don't know you, I know for a fact that pretty much no one deserves to have their emotions manipulated or to lose most of their lives over some person they care for.
    I hope you can understand what I'm saying and that it helps some :hug:
     
  4. 00600

    00600 New Member

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    Yeah, I learned that one the hard way. She had told me she would pay for the $1,200 cell phone bill she ran up. I gave her a month, and got nothing but excuses, after 2 and a half months I ended up paying most of the bill, she still hasn't paid anything.

    Each time I spoke to her or saw her it sent me into a tailspin. I'm not a violent person, I never acted to strike her. I just said some nasty things.

    I'm not even considering looking for a new relationship anytime soon. I'm just trying to figure out how I can keep this from happening again.

    The hobbies were what I had used to keep myself happy, building motorcycles, recreational shooting, drag racing, they are my true passions in life, but they were a serious financial drain, and I figured that since she filled in the void. I would use the money I saved to help us grow together, I spent it on tools to start a remodeling business, and to go back to finish my degree.

    We had planned on buying houses, remodeling them, and then either renting them out or flipping them. Since there's a much larger market in home remodeling than in racecars and choppers.

    I had put my passions on hold, and burned a few bridges in the process, in order to create a solid future for us.

    I wasn't a complete doormat for her, she did sacrafice some herself.

    I was willing to work through the tough times, she wasn't. In the beginning of the relationship I had all of the "power", I had a stable home with roommates, a rocky job (but it evened out over the long haul), and I was making it day to day.

    She was in a relationship with a physically and mentally abusive psychopath. She had nowhere to go, no job, no skills other than bartending and "art". And a two year old to worry about.

    I stuck my hand out, at first she was reluctant to take it, but when she did I trained her in a new career, found her a place to work, took care of her son the times that family couldn't. Found her an apartment, remodeled it with her, bought her a truck and a cell phone. Basically helped her get back on her feet. Not to mention the month I spent by her side in the hospital while she was going through major surgrey (some from physical abuse, which led to them discovering a life threatening disease).

    It went from a friendship, 6 months later it was a budding romantic relationship, after 8 months I went "all in". After a year and a half the endorphins wore off and she wanted "something different". I wanted to work it out, she didn't.

    And once she was stable I became "a contributing factor to her divorce", "it was eating [her] up inside", and she "couldn't do it anymore".


    It took me 6 years to find someone I was willing to sacrafice for. I had been in several relationships, ranging from single dates, to a two year FWB. I don't "need" a piece of ass, I was looking for someone to spend the rest of my life with.

    I actually locked her out of the apartment one night. She was out drinking with friends from work for the third night in a row, I locked the door and went to sleep, I ignored her knocks at the door, she had lost her keys, and ended up breaking the back door to get in.

    I was trying to get the point across that things weren't working, and I tried to talk to her. She didn't want to talk.

    The next day when I came home from work she was changing the locks. She was having a hard time, so I took over and did it for her.

    I figured we both needed some time to cool off and rethink things.

    We both vented, got it all out in the open. I was willing to work things out, she wasn't.


    I am a cancer survivor, I only have 10-15 more good years left in me. I just wanted to enjoy my life with someone I shared common interests and goals with......

    Realtionships are always going to be a give and take. Two people will ALWAYS have to compromise. You reach a point, say "fuck it", and give up. But if deep down in your heart you feel it's right then you work it out, right?

    What's to keep history from repeating itself?
     
    Last edited: Sep 28, 2007
  5. Darth_Kelly

    Darth_Kelly Morality is the herd-instinct in the individual.

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    What you said in the first post and what you said in the second contradicts itself in some ways... so either in the first one you were being melodramatic or in the second you are making excuses for her.
    I'm not going to say your situation doesn't suck, it does, all I'm saying is that your attitude will get you nowhere you want to be. And attitude, though it sounds motivational-speechish and most people dismiss it, really is the most important thing sometimes. And to answer "what's to keep history from repeating itself?" Yes, attitude is one part, and the second is to never, ever get into a situation like you did. How did you not recognize that she was going to use you as a way to get up on her feet? That's the key... never make someone dependent on you, just as you shouldn't be dependent on someone else... it changes the relationship entirely.
    Also, I understand that you only have 10-15 more years left, which I'm so sorry about, btw, but you can't put yourself out there to "find the love of your life." View it as finding someone you can connect with and enjoy life is so you don't place a huge expectation on the relationship from the beginning, so that it can grow and form on its own.
     
  6. Dysfnctnl85

    Dysfnctnl85 IT/Apple/Rotary/(D)SLR Crew

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    :hug:

    Everyone's been there. The most important thing I've learned as a result of my last relationship is that there are plenty of people who have felt the exact same emotions as me -- and they made it through just fine.

    The best possible thing you can do, IMHO, is to remember who you were, independent of any long-term relationship. If you don't have passion, you are already dead, you know? You sound very passionate about motorcycles and drag racing, so rediscover the things you used to enjoy. It's extremely difficult to force yourself into something else after having been so involved in another person's life, but trust me, you CAN do it if you WANT to.

    When I met my last girlfriend, my mind evolved into a completely different machine. There were so many algorithms running that had to do with being set in life: buying a house (I'm 22 btw and still in school), settling down, just things that as a single guy you don't really think about until you are in a relationship where you give EVERYTHING you have to it. I gave everything to my last relationship and it wasn't what she wanted. She had a nervous breakdown and walked out on me...and I was left alone, with no one (because that relationship cost me so many ties to friends...and not by choice, it just happens) to pick up the pieces but me and my family (and OT ;)). It's a hard lesson to learn and it leaves me believing that the quote "It's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all" is the biggest lie!

    I've since rekindled long lost relationships and discovered that there are many sound, stable, and understanding individuals in the world if you are willing to discover them. I realize that she is the one losing here...and that I should be able to be happy by myself. I should be able to maintain all of the friendships and interests that I have as an independent person AS WELL AS the interests of the relationship I will hopefully be in someday. You know?

    I hope that these words provide some sort of comfort, but don't think that you are alone.

    Another thing I thought about by reading your post...it really captures how I felt too: the hand that feeds you needs you.
     
  7. MattThom01

    MattThom01 New Member

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    1200 cell phone bill? In one month? Or was it over a few months.

    If it was over a few months, I would have cut her off after the first out of control month. Well, actually, I would have never gotten her a cell phone.

    Why couldn't she get her own phone/plan?

    Good lord, just reread that post. You had good intentions, but you went about it in the wrong way. Giving her charity money/giving everything to her won't help her solve her problems. It will just put them off for awhile, and her habits will stay the same. Instead of teaching her to fish, you just gave her the fish.

    And from her point of view...why should she pay the cell phone bill when you have already spent all this money on her?

    Next time don't put yourself in a position to be financially abused like that.
     
  8. 00600

    00600 New Member

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    $400.00 the first month, I called and had it disconnected. She called my cell provider, said she was an authorized signer (she had paid the bill twice in 2 years), gave them my social, and had it turned back on. I found out when I went to pay the bill a month later. I had it disconnected and put a password on the account. I told them the situation and they didn't give a fuck. I was going to file a police report but she said she would pay for it. Now it's 3 months later, too late to file anything.

    And I know you're gonna say WTF was she doing with my social, it's really to fuckin' easy- a 7 year old could memorize it.

    I've got her social, birth certificate (I gave it back after making a copy), bank account numbers, mother's maiden name, doctor's records, life insurance policy numbers, etc.

    She listed me on her health insurance plan through work, $100 a month. I never used it, but it was there just in case. Given my history, that was worth a lot to me at the time.

    Though I have too much of a conscious to fuck with her like that.


    The reason I bought her a phone was because I was paying $70 a month and it only cost an additional $10.00 per month to add her line, instead of an additional $40.00 drain on our already slim budget.

    Though now I'm stuck with a broken phone for a disconnected line, a phone that half the keys don't work on, and an $85.00 per month contract that doesn't run out until June.

    I bought her the truck, and titled it in both our names. Though she had taken the title out of my paperwork when she changed the locks, and refused to give it to me. I could have paid $75.00 to get a copy, and another $100.00 to transfer it to a "friend". But since I had spent every penny I had paying the rent for the next 2 months, dropped $400 at the grocery store the day before, and $1,200 to fix the headgasket she had blown on the truck the month before. I couldn't afford it.

    Besides, I have my motorcycle, and my own truck (which I sold to cover the cell bill, and bought another car.)


    No, she's thinking why should she pay the cell phone bill when she can guilt trip the landlord into letting her slip on the rent and guilt trip the landlord's 14 year old daughter into babysitting for free.

    She got her own cell plan, and a new phone the day I cancelled it the second time.

    I don't drink or do drugs, I don't party, I don't cheat, I don't lie. I busted my ass to build a solid foundation. To move forward for a better life for us both.

    I was self employed, some months I'd make $8K, other months I'd make nothing. But it kept my schedule clear to take her to her Dr's appointments, or watch her son (who I bonded with, it really hurts to lose him too), and to go back to school.

    As far as bills go, some months it came down to the 11th hour. But most of the time I'd pay them 2-3 months in advance.

    I'd drop $400-$500 at the grocery store just to be sure we'd have food, should my work be hectic.

    But we never went hungry, she had basically a free phone, and I even gave her mad money on several occasions. $200.00 sushi dinners, $150.00 nights out on the town (atleast every three months).

    I cooked (she taught me), I cleaned half the house, I did the dishes (even though she was supposed to), I tiled the whole apartment, gutted and remodeled the kitchen, and installed a Jacuzzi tub in the bathroom. All in exchange for rent, but it was still ME paying for it in labor.

    She was dealing with crap from work (got passed over for a promotion because the guy was buddies with the head manager), and couldn't deal with my unsteady income (though she spent her paycheck on the electric bill, and buying new appliances for the apartment).


    I won't get into a situation like this EVER again. If I do I'll end up killing someone.
     
    Last edited: Sep 28, 2007
  9. 00600

    00600 New Member

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    I'm just going to fly solo for a while, work on myself, get back into bodybuilding, get my bike running and just zen out.

    I just need to stay focused, it's the hardest part right now. I'll be fine for days, and then I'll just break down crying for hours. It was minute by minute at first, now its week by week. It's just mentally and physically draining.

    It just hurts when you mould your life with someone elses, thinking that it will last forever, that you will continue to work together, and they back out with bullshit excuses.

    I know there are plenty of women who would kill to be in that situation, and who wouldn't fuck me over like that.

    It's fucking hard to find one with all the right "ingredients".

    I just hope I can find one who can deal with the fact it will take years in a relationship before I ever get in that deep again..... If ever....
     
    Last edited: Sep 28, 2007
  10. Darth_Kelly

    Darth_Kelly Morality is the herd-instinct in the individual.

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    :) I think that's a good attitude to take. It is "fucking hard" to find the right one, but nothing amazing is ever easy. Stay strong and PM me if you ever need to vent :hug:
     
  11. 00600

    00600 New Member

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    Thanks
     
  12. 00600

    00600 New Member

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    Jeezus Christ women are fucking nuts!

    I just received a letter from her, it turns out that she broke up with me because I had changed for her.

    At first I was the rebel, the guy who didn't give a fuck, and followed his passions, I built bad ass choppers, I was exciting. I acted on impulse.

    After complaints of "not being responsible, not having stability", I changed.

    And now she says that she wanted the passion and spontanaity of the old me. And that's why she started going out partying again.

    She doesn't want to "hold me down", that I'm "free" again.

    WHAT THE FUCK??!!!:eek4:

    Am I just picking the bad ones, are all you women either boring as hell, or fucking fruit loops??!!
     
  13. Hypno toad

    Hypno toad Guest

  14. Thunderbear

    Thunderbear Yggdrasil's Forester.

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    I think you were onto something with this:

    It's what I've had to do. Getting back into writing, now that I have my demons back, creativity seems to come with them.. working out like mad, since external pain seems to help with the internal pain somehow..

    Just going ahead with your life, ignoring all the shit that wants to drag you back to that 'why me, why now' self centered pity party... that seems to be working for me. But it is a daily, if not hourly process. Memories are the biggest motherfucker of them all. I spend most of my time just dodging them...
     
  15. Hops

    Hops OT Supporter

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    I know the feeling. I'm still trying to get over my one and only relationship...10 years. Not a day goes by that I don't think about her and what I lost. Hang in there, everyone goes through this at some point or another, at least that's what I keep telling myself.
     

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