SRS Commitment (anonymous thread)

Discussion in 'On Topic' started by Darketernal, Jun 22, 2006.

  1. Darketernal

    Darketernal Watch: Aria The Origination =)

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    I’ve been with my BF for close to 5.5 years now, I’m 24 and he’s 27 yrs old. I’ve known that he has about 5K in debt…credit card, cell phone, and other misc. He doesn’t use credit cards anymore, so the debt isn’t being added to, but the interest is accumulating, as he hasn’t paid anything towards it. Most of this debt is from a few years prior to our relationship starting. He also has a very nice exotic car which he could sell now for about 35K, but instead chooses to let it sit in the garage, because he cant even afford to pay the insurance on it, not to mention that I’m not sure if his license is still valid from tickets he got years and years ago that he never paid.

    Here I am, many years into it, and told him many times, that its shit or get off the pot time, I’m not getting any younger…and I wont marry someone who is in debt bc I take pride in making my payments on time and being good in that department. I’m not going to marry someone so they can screw my credit. He never flat out told me about all of his debts…..I know from his mother, we are very close. I cant exactly bring it up, bc he’ll know where it came from. He is very evasive about his debt.

    I have alluded to it in the past, suggesting that he sell his car, pay off ‘any’ debts he has, buy a daily driver and bank the rest…start fresh. He doesn’t comment of the debt part and has shown interest in and off in selling the car.

    The kicker? He just quit his job, approx.3.5 weeks ago. He hasn’t even so much as looked for another one. I came across something in his field on Monster, told him about it, making more money then he did before, and all he said was “see, I told you I was underpaid at the last job” but that’s it!

    I realize that for years I knew about this, and I was just wishing immaturely, that it would work itself out….it hasn’t. I’ve never seen him to unmotivated and lazy…with no concern for making money….to pay his debts. I basically told him a yr ago that by this summer, if he doesn’t clean up and propose, I’m gone. Ive given him plenty of time to clean up and make up his mind as to whether he wants to spend his life with me. Now, I don’t see any hope at the end of the tunnel as the summer is around the corner (we’re talking late July/August) and now he has no job.

    His mother ordered his credit report the other day and will get it any day now. She said she’s going to sit down with him and review it…see what can be worked out. She thinks maybe he feels that if he ran away from it long enough, it would go away (stupid/irresponsible)…and that if he sees that he can straighten out, maybe he will.

    What this comes down to is I feel disgusted in him, and myself for thinking he would take care of things. I never REALLY stressed it till now. I’m established, great credit, make good money and could stand on my own if I wanted to….and he’s 300 million miles behind me as I near the end of the long haul. You know?

    I suppose I can’t understand why someone wouldn’t want to help themselves. Maybe he’s not looking for a job so he can ‘get out of’ making some sort of commitment to me this summer. I don’t know. I do know that I don’t want to/wont spend my life married to someone all fucked up like this…and that’s what scares me the most. I don’t have faith that he’ll ‘fix’ his problem, and all the other redeeming parts of the relationship will have to be laid to rest after so many years. But if that’s the case, then they have to be left behind, bc I have worked so hard in my life, I’m not going to marry someone who will bring me down. I mean that nicely, and I hope you get what I mean.

    I suppose I wanted to vent, see if anyone had a life experience with people or SO’s in debt. It’s not even THAT much money. It’s sad bc I have 4 times that saved up, there for a rainy day, and he cant even pay it off. Any advise with the situation would be great and any consoling words for the potential aftermath would be equally as helpful.

    Thanks for reading.
     
  2. illmaceyougood

    illmaceyougood New Member

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    You could try to work with him on all this, but odds are he would do it again. Just leave.
     
  3. butuh

    butuh New Member

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    The guy that you want/need isn't the guy you're with right now. Trying to change him is no use. If he loves you enough, he'd do those things to make you happy, on top of getting his life in order. Don't look for something that isn't there.
     
  4. Clix

    Clix New Member

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    To my ex I was that person. I started out one person and became another. I had things I could fix very easily but just wouldnt do them even though I had the tools or whatever I needed to. I just thought that things will work themselves out.

    It wasnt until something really shitty (her breaking up with me actually) did I begin to realize these things. Ive been fixing myself, and me and my ex actually recently have begin to I guess patch things up. I know for me that I still love my ex and that im getting my shit together becuase I know that if I ever want to be with her and do indeed love her like I claim then I have to fix alot of things I let break.

    Like said before if he loves you then he would get his shit together. I dont want to say to stay with him becuase he might get it done, something might be there thats a just a HUGE mental block, I know after some threapy and talking about things with her friends and my friends, taking constructive critsim that I figured out what happened and I figured out why I let it happen. If you dont think he will ever change then yeah I wouldnt hang around, I mean maybe he just needs something to happen to him like me for it to sink in.

    This is just my $.02
     
  5. Brigante

    Brigante i'm a lurker without an avatar, deal with it

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    everyone can appreciate your intent to help him improve his ways, but he's 27 years old, if he hasn't learned anythign by now, i wouldn't expect him to change - not overnight at least. and it appears you're running out of patience already. i wouldn't put so much responsibility on your shoulders to pressure him to change. it's just not gonna happen the way you want it to. don't get involved in cleaning up other people's mess just to keep your own good credit. you'll end up with twice as much work and end up with half of the goal you want to achieve. if you're not happy with your current situation, which it appears you're not, i can only suggest fix what you can when you can. if that involves breaking it off, then so be it. or find a way to accept his financial flaws.
     
  6. The Secretary

    The Secretary My domestic skills will rock your socks off!

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    Please do not waste anymore of your time with this boy. He seems very non-commital he wants his cake and eat it too. If after 5 years he cant get things in order to proceed with the rest of your lives as a couple hes wasting your time and his. Bad money management is one of the leading causes of divorce. Debt is a real issue that you both need to be able to handle. If he thinks its ok to be in debt that is not good. I am just like you if I have a bill I pay it, I dont spend out of my means (its why I dont have a cc). It bothers me that I have student loans right now but I am still in school and going to pay them off as quickly as humanly possible when I get out. To me there is good debt and bad debt. Bad debt= credit cards and other various things that are superflous. Good debt= student loans, mortgage on a good house, a good car. Good money management skills dont happen overnight. You need to step back and re-evaluate everything if you marry this man is this the kind of thing that you want to deal with day in and day out?

    For goodness sakes if his mother is involved run the other way quickly. Mommas boys have no place in an adult relationship.
     
  7. Guz200sx

    Guz200sx The man who does more than he is paid for will soo

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    I'm in debt too but I'm working my way through it. I made stupid decisions and now I have no credit cards either but I am working and slowly working with the neccessary people to bring down the debt.

    5k is not a lot of money but if the guy is not even making an effort to bring it down then he's gonna get screwed by the collection agencies that will come after him. Of course though they will let all of the late fees and god knows what else add up until its like $20k and then they will come after him and take his car away or something else. Maybe some jail time. Does he know he could be taken to court over that??? He needs to understand that NOT paying down the debt will NOT go away. It will stay their till the day he dies. It will ruin his credit. It will ruin his ability to do a lot of things.

    Its good that his mom is helping him and stuff but if he doesn't help himself then he will get nowhere. Basically it sounds like he is depressed....He probably says he doesn't care cause thats what he's telling you, for a front, but at nite I SWEAR he is prolly crying about it. I Know! You should confront him about it.

    I would tell him that you're leaving him and if you love him tell him so but that you can't be with someone who is a bum and not goin to help himself out of the current situation he is in.
     
  8. Fattiefalldown

    Fattiefalldown t(-.-t)

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    My Gf is a lot like that, except no to that extreme (as she's only 20) but she has sunk herself into bad debt with credit cards. SHe wont even return movies on time. So what ends up happening is I end up supporting her a lot. For example, I drive her to work (45 minute trip) and pick her up 5 days a week....thats 15 hours of driving I wouldnt have done. Her car broke down, but her credit rating is so poor she can't get another from a dealer unless someone with great credit cosigns... I don't really have too much credit, so I can't.
    Stuff like this is a big roadblock in terms of making that final commitment to marry. I know this stuff is scaring me off. When you get married, its not just vows you share, but money and everything else. Don't feel bad for drawing your line, he needs to get his crap together. I'm thinking about drawing the same line soon.
     
  9. kackel champion

    kackel champion faces always are changing lies and disguise for th

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    DO NOT COSIGN FOR A GIRLFRIEND OR A FIANCEE FOR ANYTHING.

    even if you are married and they default, your credit rating will hit the floor then neither you nor her can get bought for a damn thing.

    working in the car business i see my customer's credit runs every day. i feel so badly for what i see. i haven't started paying back my student loans but once i do i'll be good to go. i never bothered w/ credit cards because if you lose control it's nearly impossible to get yourself out of that hole without disposable income.


    2-3 years from now i should be debt free and then start saving for a condo or house.
     

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