LGBT Comming Out of The Closet...

Discussion in 'Lifestyle' started by Jeremie, Sep 15, 2005.

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  1. Jeremie

    Jeremie Guest

    My family is currently in a state of a severe "cold war" due to my comming out to part of the family. Many members refuse to speak to others over their differing views and values on this topic. I deeply regret ever mentioning anything to my mother (who then spread it around).

    Is there anyone who is in this same boat? My entire family (extended included) is falling to pieces over an issue that shouldn't be an issue at all.
     
  2. boris yeltsin

    boris yeltsin New Member

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    I have had many problems... They mostly still think I'm straight. Eastern European Conservative familes really aren't great for homosexuals.
     
  3. Jeremie

    Jeremie Guest

    My family is well... um Midwestern Culture-less Conservative.

    That is really weird because my imediate family just moved to Mt. Vernon (between Seattle and Vancouver BC)... Culture Shock lol.

    Anyways, I would saw my left arm off if it meant having my entire family actually getting along and not fighting a pointless war amongst themselves.

    EDIT>> Boris, how old are you by the way?
     
  4. boris yeltsin

    boris yeltsin New Member

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    I'm a mere child. 16 Years of age. Doesn't get me very far since everyone immedietley assumes that I am a dumb kid who can't hold a mature conversation.
     
  5. RyRy

    RyRy Active Member

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    :eek3: Holy Shiz you're only 16?!
     
  6. RyRy

    RyRy Active Member

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    I recently came out to my parents and a few friends after the breakup of my 8 year relationship. More like it was forced out of me, but if you want the story search thru the closet it's been my only "release" since then as I don't have anyone to talk to. My mom still talks to me but its not the same, my dad and I rarely talk (however this isn't something new, it's been that way most of my life except the last few years). I wish I wouldn't have came out, but like I said it was more forced out of me so I didn't have much of a choice. For every "Oh I came out any my parents love me more" story there are probably 5-10 if not more "I came out and my family disowned me" stories. If you do come out, do it on your terms, when you want to. Is it really anyone's business of who you love? Well yes and no but thats a whole nother thread! I hope that all has went relatively well for you, and that anyone who hasn't came around comes around soon. Also when you have "relations" please be safe, don't sleep around with 50kabillion men every weekend as well. Feel free to PM me anytime or IM me on yahoo.
     
  7. RyRy

    RyRy Active Member

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    My parents think I'm dating a girl right now, although I'm single again. The sad thing is they started talking to me more. :rolleyes:
     
  8. boris yeltsin

    boris yeltsin New Member

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    Yeah. :hs: What can I say?

    I was dating a girl just to throw them off a bit ago.
     
  9. Jeremie

    Jeremie Guest

    The best method for me is to keep my family life and my social/love life totally seperate. I do not ever want my sig. other (if I ever get one) to meet my family; ever.

    While my mother is not against it, the rest of the family has a deep hatred for homosexuality and she is the one who has blabbed about it. For years, I bent over backward to keep it from them.

    What I find to be truly stupid is the fact that the family crisis isn't even centred on my being gay, but the fact that many people will not speak to other people just because of their views on the subject. Picture someone walking into a room, causing the people already there to get in a fight, then leaving the room. That is how I feel about this.

    Also: Boris, I thought you were much older... You act much more mature than a 16 year old.

    EDIT>> When I lived in Colorado, I had a friend who was a lesbian and had the same family issues that I have, so we both pretended to date each other for sake of keeping both our families at peace.
     
  10. boris yeltsin

    boris yeltsin New Member

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    Keeping social and family life seperate is a very good idea.

    I don't think age should be a restriction to mental prowess as long as you are capable of constructive thinking.
     
  11. RyRy

    RyRy Active Member

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    Yeah I know what you're going thru man. If I ever get a b/f again they will never meet my parents unless I get back with the ex, and they have already met. When I was younger (18-22) my lesbian friend and I pretended to date, but I actually had some feelings for her until I found out she was a lesbian. Only girl Ihave ever had any feelings for, however she's very butch and keeps her hair short and could pass for a boy most of the time.

    The funny thing is I asked my mom this question. "Mom theoretically just answer me this question. If I had been born a girl and dated the same man from the age 15 until now, and he had became the Chief of Police wouldn't you have accepted it?" (My ex is a cop/firefighter/emt, etc. and a few weeks after our break up became Chief.) My mom's response "OMG You took it up the butt" then "Well I suppose so. But he forced you into doing all of this, you're not gay. He told you lies and molested you." :rolleyes: Yeah mom whatever you believe. (BTW since you probably missed the thread I'm the "Pitcher" and he was the "Catcher")
     
  12. RedGoober4Life

    RedGoober4Life New Member

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    I regret telling some people. Not my family, because I really don't talk to them about it with them. I don't make it a huge point with anybody. I just regret telling some people, because they didn't need to know or it really didn't matter. Or they make it a bigger thing than it really is. Or they just suck at everything. Oops.
     
  13. MapleLeaf

    MapleLeaf New Member

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    Hmmm... where to begin.

    As I stated earlier in a thread - to Sholnay I believe, when you come out you suddenly realise who is your friend and who is not. Everytime you utter the words to someone that you are gay, you need to be prepared that they will judge you from that point forward - even though you are the exact same person, they see you different. In some cases they will never speak to you again, others go yeah so... many others fit somewhere in between.

    My coming out has caused huge rifts in my family. My sister and I didn't speak for over 10 years but are now closer than ever after having patched things up. My brother and I only talk at times of necessity - funerals etc., apart from that we are strangers, even though his office is 5 minutes from mine. It has probably been 2 years since i saw him in person (funeral) and have no plans to see him or talk to him again.

    Earlier this year I cut off all communication with my mother - after all these years she still hasn't accepted it and I am sorry, I can't deal with the hurt anymore. The list goes on - my godparents closed the door on me and haven't spoken to me since; same with some "friends".

    What matters is to be true to yourself. Create what I call a family of choice - surround yourself with friends who are your life support network - the surrogate brother, sister and even parents. Since I did that life is much easier.

    If you do find yourself estranged, be comforted to know that you are not alone. No-one ever said life was easy and for whatever reason God has decided that gay people need to carry that one extra burden. Live life your way, live life proud and sometimes the hurt just seems a wee bit less.

    If you wish to talk in anywhere about this or need help processing what you are going through - PM me - I will give you my number and we can talk. Rest assured everything you say is confidential... just willing to lend a hand, heart and ear as I have been through and continue to live what you are experiencing in life.

    Blessings,
    MapleLeaf
     
  14. boris yeltsin

    boris yeltsin New Member

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    Nice post Maple...

    Yeah, none of us are ever alone. :hs: I feel alone sometimes, I'm sure many of us do. But, we shouldn't. :o
     
  15. Josey

    Josey New Member

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    1st rule is to not ever appologize to anyone for being who you are. You do not owe anyone an appology. 2nd, there's no easy way to handle family, my best advice is if they are not cool with it don't ever be ashamed or anything, but try not to rub their faces in it. I think this goes for Your parents and siblings, as far as the rest of the "Family" if they can't deal with it, that's their problem...

    I'm sorry if my attitude seems a little harsh, but I've learned over the last few years that I have to be happy and take care of myself 1st, and sometimes what is best for me may not be right for someone else or "Correct" in their eyes. As long as you can look in the mirror every morning and know you've been honest, respectful, honorable, then all will be ok.
     
  16. Jeremie

    Jeremie Guest

    Thank you all for the kind replies.

    I have decided to do everything in my power to not fight or argue with any member of my family. They are all products of their generations, with their ideals eingrained into them. It isn't worth the turmoil to try and change their minds.

    My ultimate goal is to maintain a state of detante. I will keep my family life strictly seperate from everything else in my life right now.
     
  17. Sam Gamgee

    Sam Gamgee Every tool is a weapon if you hold it right. OT Supporter

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    Wow... So well said.

    Thanks for that post, Josey.

    The more I get to know you, the more I respect and love you...
    :hug:
     
  18. Josey

    Josey New Member

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    Thanks man, that is one hellava compliment. I hope I can continue to gain your respect and love.
     
  19. Sam Gamgee

    Sam Gamgee Every tool is a weapon if you hold it right. OT Supporter

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    The only thing I can say (without repeating Josey's comments) is:

    Sometimes having the same blood doesn't make a family. Sometimes a true "family" are the friends you meet... For example, I have about 5 really wonderful gay friends. We all get together every Thanksgiving and have our own Thanksgiving dinner. It's a wonderful experience. We discuss being "thankful" during that time that we have created a loving family within each other.

    That is why the gays say "I think he's family" or "Oh, yeah, she's family"...

    I understand where a lot of you are, becuase I was there when I came out too. I felt like I had let my family down. I felt some shame for not being the person my parents wanted me to be. I had to deal with them being fearful that my "lifestyle" was going to cause me to be discriminated against and make my life difficult.

    But now, after being out of the closet for so long now, I know it was the right thing to do. And you will too...
     
  20. Josey

    Josey New Member

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    This is the part that I was trying to address in my post. Instinctivley we want to make our parents proud and happy of us. Unfortunatly due to a pollitical view that says it's not ok to be gay/bi/lesbian that is rooted in the Free Mason's Biblical beliefs during the development of our great nation, it's a knee jerk reaction to feel we've "Let someone down", and I understand there is no avoiding this but, I strongly believe that the sooner you start truly believing that you haven't done anything wrong and are only capable of being yourself, you will feel a weight lifted off of you, you'll soon realize how much you had to keep and lie about to the people you love that knowing that there doesn't have to be anymore hiding or lying you'll know you did the right thing by coming out.
     
  21. boris yeltsin

    boris yeltsin New Member

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    I can't imagine me ever being in peace after something like this happening. But... maybe someday, I hope.
     
  22. Sam Gamgee

    Sam Gamgee Every tool is a weapon if you hold it right. OT Supporter

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    I promise you, it will happen someday.
     
  23. MapleLeaf

    MapleLeaf New Member

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    It does happen... for some it is a relatively short journey, for others, sadly, it is a bit longer. Once you achieve it you look back and go wow - how could I not see the happiness to be gained in just being myself.
     
  24. AstroGirl

    AstroGirl If I don't respond it's because I have severe ADD

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    Her mosa? ITS MY MOSA!!!
    Wierd, my family is strictly catholic. And my dad is veryyyy baptist, all very republican. But after all the shit I have been through with men I think they assume, but don't ask. I haven't had a real "boyfriend" for about 3 years. Well a few little flings, but nothing big. My dad calls me all the time and says... "so, do you still hate men?" I say, "yes daddy" and he says, "that's my girl." I don;t think I will ever "come out" to them though unless I am in something that I think will last forever you know? All the girls I have dated have only lasted max 6 months. I do the same with men though, my family has only met... 3 of the men I have dated, as a boyfriend.
     
  25. Sam Gamgee

    Sam Gamgee Every tool is a weapon if you hold it right. OT Supporter

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    I remember the month I came out of the closet... I was saying "I wish I could take a pill and be straight" I was so upset over finally coming out and upsetting so many people...

    My gay friend, Paul, who had been out for about a decade before me turned to me in shock and said "Really? I can't even imagine taking a pill to make me straight! I'm happy with myself the way I am."

    Paul's father, by the way, is a pastor and his mother is heavily involved in the church... Paul is as exactly like Jack from Will and Grace. It's like they made Jack's character from studying Paul.

    Anyway, I couldn't even fathom getting to where he was... comfortable about his sexuality and his life. But, within about two years, I was there.

    It happens to all of us... Once your friends and family realize that you are the exact same person you were before... and, in fact, you're even better than the person you were before because now you are honest... then they will begin to open their minds and hearts back up to you. And everything gets better...
     
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